#dtmfa

Neil Gaiman, Journal.NeilGaiman.com, 14 January 2025:

Over the past many months, I have watched the stories circulating the internet about me with horror and dismay. I’ve stayed quiet until now, both out of respect for the people who were sharing their stories and out of a desire not to draw even more attention to a lot of misinformation. I've always tried to be a private person, and felt increasingly that social media was the wrong place to talk about important personal matters. I've now reached the point where I feel that I should say something. As I read through this latest collection of accounts, there are moments I half-recognise and moments I don’t, descriptions of things that happened sitting beside things that emphatically did not happen. I’m far from a perfect person, but I have never engaged in non-consensual sexual activity with anyone. Ever.  I went back to read the messages I exchanged with the women around and following the occasions that have subsequently been reported as being abusive. These messages read now as they did when I received them – of two people enjoying entirely consensual sexual relationships and wanting to see one another again. At the time I was in those relationships, they seemed positive and happy on both sides. And I also realise, looking through them, years later, that I could have and should have done so much better. I was emotionally unavailable while being sexually available, self-focused and not as thoughtful as I could or should have been. I was obviously careless with people's hearts and feelings, and that's something that I really, deeply regret. It was selfish of me. I was caught up in my own story and I ignored other people's. I’ve spent some months now taking a long, hard look at who I have been and how I have made people feel.  Like most of us, I’m learning, and I'm trying to do the work needed, and I know that that's not an overnight process. I hope that with the help of good people, I'll continue to grow. I understand that not everyone will believe me or even care what I say but I’ll be doing the work anyway, for myself, my family and the people I love. I will be doing my very best to deserve their trust, as well as the trust of my readers. At the same time, as I reflect on my past – and as I re-review everything that actually happened as opposed to what is being alleged – I don't accept there was any abuse. To repeat, I have never engaged in non-consensual sexual activity with anyone. Some of the horrible stories now being told simply never happened, while others have been so distorted from what actually took place that they bear no relationship to reality. I am prepared to take responsibility for any missteps I made. I’m not willing to turn my back on the truth, and I can't accept being described as someone I am not, and cannot and will not admit to doing things I didn't do.

Dear Neil,

You, sir, are nothing other than fundamentally misunderstood — indicated in every sense by this, a smart and good post that you published on the whole-ass internet for literally the entire world to read.

The important thing is that you're learning! And you deserve infinite credit for that. Not nearly enough people appreciate how much you've learned about yourself in the course of ~ allegedly ~ committing sexual assault against multiple, probably crazy, women and the aftermath thereof. Less enlightened men would disregard the experiences of women who have highly specific and detailed accounts of being sexually abused, but you are open to the idea that the women who foolishly believe you assaulted them were simply mislead by your interminable charm! For which you cannot be held responsible! What a gift you are, friend; your generosity and open-mindedness are unparalleled.

Truly, whomst among us has not been where you find yourself now? Come, enjoy the company of friends who understand the brutal loneliness that results from being misunderstood by hysterical bitches who fail to appreciate the privilege of having your masterful fingers shoved up their asses without notice!

Again and again, women love men like you too much. They want you to be emotionally and sexually available! And that is just so, so much to ask. You have a lot going on! It's not a ding on them — of course they find you irresistible, being as you are an intellectual titan — and they may find themselves confused and intimidated by your sexual prowess, unaware that you exist in a world beyond pedestrian notions of consent. That is what makes your work so particularly meaningful and powerful.

You write about a man who does a bad thing, but you do the other good thing! You do a good thing, but in your work, a man does a bad thing! This is the stuff of sheer brilliance, capturing the sturm unt drang of the human condition — or, at least, of the humans whose conditions matter most, which is to say, men of your creative stature.

The sorry truth is that despite your best efforts, no one understands you, the author of 40-plus years of written work in which you had every fucking opportunity to emulate literally any character of your design who was not an unrepentant rapist. Whomst among us has not struggled with such quandaries? Whomst among us has not wondered: Should I rape women in the presence of my child, or should I just the fuck wait a minute and destroy my marriage by other means? Should I order a cinnamon bagel, or an egg sandwich? These are the questions men such as us must grapple with in a world where cancel culture has run rampant, and where people are liable to believe anything they hear from over half a dozen unbridled harpies (story idea! make sure Katee Robert doesn't see this, she seems like a bitch with designs) whose indeterminate fantasies have been aggressively fact-checked by risk-averse media legal departments.

You're right and everyone else is wrong, and that's exactly the take-away that everyone will have from reading this thing that you posted! Great work, great instincts, great writing. It's like Stardust, but hotter. You know what I mean.

Even all of the stiff white people in the back not really matching the energy of the brown people and the drums up front.

NEW POST! Ask the Bitches: “My Friend Is Going Broke Dating a Man Who Contributes Nothing. Should I Say Something?”

Today we have a question from a Patreon donor on a subject that’s always hard to answer: what can you do when a friend is doing something really, really financially dumb?

(Have you heard that we answer donor questions directly? It’s true! Find out how at Patreon.com/BitchesGetRiches!)

Donor Alyssa writes…

Here’s the situation. 

Last year, a good, long-term friend of mine (40 year-old…

   I’ve been thinking for a while about how to write this post, mainly because the story is long and complicated, but also because it deals with an issue that EVERYONE experiences from time to time. Even if a friend isn’t completely toxic (which mine turned out to be), we all outgrow friendships sometimes. It’s part of life. I also don’t want to waste 500 words on my personal life, even though I know everyone likes a little bit of gossip and drama that doesn’t involve them. So, who’s up for some guilt-free reading?

   I’ll try to make this summary short and sweet. Basically, I was profoundly wounded, over and over again, by one of my “best” friends--let’s call her Rachel. Lol. Because that’s her name. And I’m not a real journalist, just a personal blogger who happened to get fucked over by her. She was also one of the friends I’ve had the longest, dating back from high school. Many of you who know me, probably know her, or at least know of her. So. Rachel decided to get married, and asked me to be her maid of honor. She lives in Florida, and I live in Spain. Recognizing the financial challenges this would present me with, I still wholeheartedly agreed to be her maid of honor, although I did suggest that maybe one of her friends who also lived in Florida should share the role me, as I obviously wouldn’t be able to plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party, because, duh. I live thousands of miles away. (She rejected this option, for the record.) For the following 15 months, we talked only about her wedding. And the rhetoric got more and more brutal--and more and more hurtful--as we went, especially as I reached what I will call my “financial limit”, also known as a budget.

   When that finally happened, and I officially couldn’t spend any more money on makeup, hair, or anything else, it became much clearer where I stood with her and how little I meant to her. But since I live so far away, it was easy to push to the back of my mind and not think about. Here is just one example (my second favorite one, I’m saving my favorite one for later) of the conversations we would have: Rachel wanted me to spend $70 to get my hair done, which I realize is not a ridiculous amount, but after having spent SO much money on a flight, a rental car, the dress, etc., I was feeling particularly strapped for cash, and so I told her that getting my hair done was just not in the cards for me.

   “Well we have 83 days until the wedding...couldn’t you just save $1 a day?”

   Honestly, I was shocked. Where was my friend? Where was her compassion, her empathy for me? I tried to continue:

   “It’s just that I’ve already spent a lot of money, and I still I have so much left to pay for, it’s going to be a really expensive trip, and plus, I think that the most important thing is that I will be there on your special day.”

   I was met with silence. Silence that lasted for so long, I started to count the seconds as they went by. Let’s just say that was an awkward conversation closer. She later (as in a completely different conversation later on) went on to tell me that she “knew she was being petty” but she had “paid a lot of money for a photographer” so she deserved to be petty. Again, where did my friend go?

   I’m sure you’re all saying by now, “how could you not realize that this hideous person wasn’t your friend anymore?” And all I can say is, I don’t really know. I supposed some part of me knew, but I just didn’t want to see it. I wanted to hope that the friend I had known would come back. As you can tell from the title of this post, she didn’t.

   I tried one last time to salvage things. I called her. I told her there was tension between us, and I wanted to clear it away, because she deserved to have nothing but happiness on her wedding day. She blamed me for the tension, saying that I made her feel guilty. This went on for an hour. Even when I told her I felt like she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore, there was no moment where she even pretended to be sorry that she had hurt my feelings.

   And here comes my favorite example. As many of you know, I am also getting married in December. (YAY!) And so after we had “cleared the air”, I asked her if she still wanted to come to my wedding in December, as I would just rather know now than find out later. After making some excuse about “plane tickets being expensive” (REALLY? I didn’t know! *Sarcasm*), she told me, “It would just be more convenient for me if you could get married in June.”

!@#^&Y^%$#@!

   So I guess that wasn’t really that short, but it was an extremely stressful situation for me, and also the first time in my adult life that I had to cut a toxic "friend” out of my life. I don’t let this show about me (at least I don’t think I do), but I absolutely hate confrontation. I mean, who doesn’t really? And after this last conversation--it would indeed be our last--I had to face the facts. Even though I desperately wanted my friend to come back, she had left a long time ago and it didn’t seem that she was going to return. All I had wanted was an apology, a moment of compassion, where she acknowledged my feelings, but it never happened. 

   After all of this, I have come up with a couple tips. They might seem pretty simple now, but boy oh boy, just try to remember them when you’re in the thick of it! Would have saved me lots of time and money, not to mention loads of guilt and stress.

1. Listen to the words the person tells you, but pay more attention to their actions. The actions are where it’s at, baby. If your “friend” is telling you they want to be friends with you, but their actions show a different story, then as Dan Savage says, “Dump the motherfucker already!” Otherwise known as, DTMFA.

2. The moment someone stops showing you the love, compassion, and/or empathy you deserve, leave (because we all fucking deserve those things from the people who supposedly love us). DTMFA! This can be hard to see, and it takes a lot of people treating you shittily to recognize, but man, when you finally do, get the fuck out of there!

3. Listen to your gut. Even when it’s whispering. Because 100% of the time, it will be right. Along with this, also pay attention to your physical reaction to things. If your gut clenches, bad sign. If you can’t eat or sleep, get rid of them.

   P.S. These all apply to family as well--family members can be toxic, and just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to stick around. The moment I truly learned this, my life improved immensely.

    I will leave our last interaction, and quite possibly the moment you've all been waiting for--namely the “did she go to the wedding moment??”, here; immortalized on the internet forever, so that I can feel as though I tried my hardest to be a decent person and a decent friend until the very end, and end this post on a contented note (because after all this, I am happier without her in my life):

Me: So this has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but I will not be attending your wedding, and by extension neither will my mom, Toño, or Bethany. And it is important to me that you know why. I feel as though we stopped being friends a long time ago and I just didn't realize it..that the most important thing to you is your wedding. While your wedding is important, to me what mattered more is our friendship. And it doesn't seem like you feel the same way, and I am deeply hurt by this. Not once have you asked about how our trip is going, or about the reception we had in erie, or anything about my life at all. I am getting married too and it gives me great joy, and I feel like that should only add to your joy. But it seems to me as though that is not the case, and it confuses me and hurts me. I could go on with more examples, but I think what I've already said suffices. You said our friendship was changing and evolving, but I think it ended a while ago and I just didn't see it. Maybe I'm wrong, but every time we have talked in the last six months (or maybe more) I have left the conversation feeling like shit, and that is not how a friendship should be. I feel like the only thing that matters to you is that I show up to your wedding to keep the numbers even, and that after your wedding you will drop our friendship anyways. Like I said, i could be wrong. But that's what my gut is telling me. So I'm calling it now. I wish you the best and happiest life with Dan and hope you get everything you want. I will cherish our memories.

Rachel: You have caused me so much stress and above all sadness. None of this deserves a reply but you should know that. If you think it's about numbers then that means we lost our friendship even before I thought we did. For the record, I went through a hurricane (and plenty of other life things) and you also never asked how I am. So whatever you're feeling, I feel the same exact way about you and your situation. Good bye.

   Pettiness, bullshit, selfishness, and absolutely no compassion or recognition from her until the very end! She truly showed me her true (ugly) self. 

NEW EPISODE! Episode 10: "I Want a Pedigreed Dog. She Wants a Rescue Mutt. It Turned into a Fight... and the Fight Got Ugly."

He wants a purebred dog. She wants a rescue mutt.

What started as a logistical discussion about getting a dog quickly became a heated, vicious fight about values and ethics.

Don’t you love those questions that seem to be about one thing, but betray a totally different, deeper problem? That’s definitely the case with today’s letter.

We could’ve recommended the obvious compromise: select…

My boyfriend just told me he's been dating someone else behind my back, but it's ok and it's not cheating because he's polyamorous. I don't know the person and from talking to them over the phone they're really annoying. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but also I feel really bad he didn't even tell me he was dating someone else.

What!? Your boyfriend is wrong. Your boyfriend cheated on you, full stop. He doesn't get to tell you what is and isn't okay. If you're not okay with it, it's not okay. 

"I took your stuff without asking, but it's not theft because I'm a communist." No, taking people's things without permission is stealing, even if you don't believe in the concept of private property. They also need to be in on the philosophy. 

What your boyfriend is doing is not practicing "polyamory," but cheating. Polyamory requires open communication and consent of all parties. Just because he has a fancy word for what he's doing doesn't mean you need to go along with it. Stop talking to his other partner on the phone, stop bending over backwards to accommodate his twisted worldview where he can do whatever he wants without consequences. 

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend criticizes you for acting “not interested in spending time with him,” but when you do, he says you’re being “annoying and clingy.”

Making someone feel like “no matter what you do, it’s wrong” is emotionally manipulative and cruel. When with a partner, you should feel welcome and accepted and free to relax into your feelings. Being constantly critiqued, policed, and put down for how you act and how you feel is not healthy at all.

I have genuinely no idea what you mean by “fucking around” and I am not clear from your letter whether you and your partner have any kind of open/non-monogamous relationship, so I am afraid I don’t have quite enough context to give great advice.