#poly vs cheating

Been in relationship for almost 19 years. Partner over the years has secretly had relationships with various woman at different points in time. Eventually I find out. I am hurt by the betrayal and lack of honest communication. I forgive and partner never wants to stop having relationship with me. We recently started looking at polyamory. Still navigating and seeing what this looks like for myself. Partner begins talking to a person he has cheated in past with multiple times. I have strong negative feelings about this. I want open and honest conversation but this does not make me feel this the case. I feel that polyamory discussion was brought up to open the door for relationship with this other woman. I see a lot of positive in polyamory and would like to explore but Partner messaging this woman causes jealousy that I am having a hard time processing. He reassures that he loves me and would never hurt me but is standoff on discussion about polyamory. He states "I will control who i text, call, talk to, like, hate, love or want." which I respect but I would like open communication. This woman is supposedly poly as well according to partner. Who is in relationship with a man who is not interested in poly. He says they both agree not to go forward past friendship with my consent. But I resent they had this discussion prior to my partner and I having discussion on what poly means for our relationship. My partner says he doesn't want to be controlled. I am the major decision maker for our house, family and finances by default. He tends to not want to be and puts the final say to me. Does he resent that?? Am I wrong to want more open communication about our relationship and this relationship with this other woman?

I understand that the dissolution of a 19 year relationship is a major thing, but my recommendation is to throw the whole man out. He has a history of being dishonest with you and secretly going behind your back to do things he knows you’re not okay with. Whatever he is promising you now, I doubt he will keep those promises.

He is already not doing a great job at making this relationship transition. He is refusing to have open communication and accusing you of trying to “control” him when you express ANY needs or desires here. And it sounds like he has you convinced that this is somehow your fault, or at the very least, not his fault.

Leave this dude. You are not wrong. You have given him MANY chances to demonstrate that he is capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship with you on a variety of different terms. He has never succeeded. You have made compromises, but he has not met you halfway.

Do you consider it cheating when your partner hides the fact they have other partners? My partner is poly but he often hides when he's started a new relationship or he hides how serious the relationships are and this has really damaged my trust in him. I'm not sure if it can be considered cheating since he is in fact poly but I don't think it's okay for him to hide these other partners? What is your opinion?

There is no standard "cheating" that you can measure various behaviors against. For some people, this wouldn't feel like cheating - but it feels that way to you, and it's not a dynamic you want in your relationship. That's what matters.

Talk to your partner about this issue. Tell him that he does not need to hide his relationships, and that when he does, it feels sketchy and cheat-y. Let him know that you're okay with things as long as they're out in the open.

Ask him if there's anything you've done or said that makes him feel like he should be doing this. Figure out why he seems to be more comfortable hiding and downplaying his other relationships. Work out a way that's safe and comfortable for both of you to be open and honest.

If my polyam girlfriend dates someone else at the same time as me when I've made it clear that I'm not comfortable with it, that it hurts me, isn't that cheating? She acts like I'm not even there, and it hurts so much.

If you have not given your consent, and you consider it cheating, then it's cheating. End of sentence. If your partner is doing something that hurts you and makes you uncomfortable, especially after you made it clear to her that you weren't okay with it, you should probably leave the relationship.

No one is obligated to change their behavior because someone asks them to. I could say to my partner "if you wear a green shirt, it would hurt me, make me uncomfortable, and I would consider you wearing a green shirt after I told you this to be a betrayal." Then, he could decide to wear a green shirt - he still has that right. But then I have enough information to know that we're probably not compatible, since I'm not comfortable dating someone who wears green shirts.

It sounds like polyamory is a dealbreaker for both of you - she needs to be in a relationship where she can date other people, and you need to be in a monogamous relationship. So the deal has effectively been broken. 

My boyfriend just told me he's been dating someone else behind my back, but it's ok and it's not cheating because he's polyamorous. I don't know the person and from talking to them over the phone they're really annoying. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but also I feel really bad he didn't even tell me he was dating someone else.

What!? Your boyfriend is wrong. Your boyfriend cheated on you, full stop. He doesn't get to tell you what is and isn't okay. If you're not okay with it, it's not okay. 

"I took your stuff without asking, but it's not theft because I'm a communist." No, taking people's things without permission is stealing, even if you don't believe in the concept of private property. They also need to be in on the philosophy. 

What your boyfriend is doing is not practicing "polyamory," but cheating. Polyamory requires open communication and consent of all parties. Just because he has a fancy word for what he's doing doesn't mean you need to go along with it. Stop talking to his other partner on the phone, stop bending over backwards to accommodate his twisted worldview where he can do whatever he wants without consequences. 

My fiancé is seeing a girl who has a bf but the bf doesn’t know about my fiancé. I know that polyamory preaches ethical practices. While I would never choose a partner that didn’t have another partner’s consent, I believe it’s my fiancé’s right to choose who she sees and the girl’s right to keep it a secret, as long as it does not directly affect me. I guess I’ve made a decision for myself but just wanted to hear someone else’s thoughts.

I personally would not be okay in such a situation, but I recognize that my options would be limited. I could make it clear that I was not okay with this situation and would not stay in a relationship under these terms, but if my fiancé chose to keep seeing this person, I would need to break up with someone I loved enough to get engaged to. Which is a pretty major choice and serious compromise. Different people will make different choices about what their core dealbreakers are and are not.

Consider what might be at stake in terms of drama. If the boyfriend finds out, he might make vengeful choices that blow back on you. If your fiancé's partner feels the need to act irresponsibly or selfishly to protect herself, that also puts you at risk. Are there any personal or professional threats that would be too big to make this worth it? Consider also that STI risks are much higher when all partners are not open and honest about their multiple partners. Again, different people have different risk tolerances. Make sure you know yours.

Consider what this says about your partner as well. Are there any questions about her judgment or character that this raises for you? How has she explained this situation to you? Has she asked you to do anything you find questionable to help her maintain this secret relationship? Are you okay being engaged to someone whose values differ from yours in this way?

I’m gonna sound hateful or like an anti but please hear me out. My friend has vented to me before that they have issues with commitment and are scared of being in a relationship because it means they’re "trapped", now they’re apparently poly but I feel like they actually aren’t and are just making things worse for themself by dating a bunch of people and keeping it secret from all of them (so each partner thinks they’re the only one) What do I do

You could do nothing, because this isn't your circus or your monkeys. Your friend being wrong and making bad choices is not your problem or responsibility. Maybe they're polyamorous, maybe they're not; it's not your call to make, and being skeptical of someone else's self-stated identity is rarely a good look. 

The bigger issue is their behavior, which is decidedly not polyamorous, but is cheating. Seeing multiple partners who all think they're the only one is immoral and cruel. But, again, there is nothing you're obligated to "do" about this - you did not make this choice and you cannot do anything to change or mitigate it.

You could tell your friend that what they are doing is wrong, and try to convince them to stop. You could take a step back from this friendship, not because you disagree with what they say about themselves, but because their behavior makes you question whether you want to be friends with someone of that character. 

You could get more involved and tell their partners what is going on. Some people feel a moral imperative to tell victims of cheating about the situation. Some people feel strongly that it is not their place or business. Some people just have to decide on a case-by-case basis how much they want to get involved.

There is a separate issue in just about every sentence here, so I’ll try to break this down.

When you say you had a heated discussion about “being able to love other people equally to your original partner,” what made that discussion heated? Do you believe being able to love multiple people in the same way is impossible while she believes it is? Why did this difference create so much tension - is it possible that both of you may experience love differently? Is the argument about whether such a thing is ever, objectively, possible, or whether it’s possible for you? Remember there’s a difference between “I can’t do that” and “that is not possible.”

When you say she has been “inappropriate” with other people, what does that mean? Is it behavior you consider cheating or borderline cheating? When you got upset with that, how did she react? Is she trying to stay within the boundaries of your relationship, or insisting that what she did wasn’t inappropriate and you need to get over it? Do both of you agree on what you two have a right to ask and expect from each other?

You say you don’t want a poly relationship - that’s fine! If your partner does want one, that might be a problem. One of you will need to make a compromise, or you may need to decide not to continue this relationship if she wants to be poly and you do not. When you say you especially don’t want a relationship if her “extras are hidden,” does that mean she is currently seeing other people without your consent and hiding it from you? That is cheating, not polyamory. Or does it mean that what she’s proposing is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of open relationship, and you’re not okay with it? If you’re not okay with something, you don’t have to do it.