#drunk jay

Wdym you’re wiling to beg me to tickle you knowing full well you’ll beg me to stop 10 seconds later?

Wdym you WANT me to make you giggly and light?

Wdym you want my fingers to hover over your worst spots while I describe all the things that they’re gonna do?

Wdym you want me to lightly circle just above or below your worst spots that isn’t enough to make you laugh but squirm uncontrollably

I’m sorry if this sounds overly sadistic or doesn’t make sense I’m having a fun ass tipsy night

Dick : *hears laughter coming from the living room*

Dick : *finds Jason and Roy laughing it up on the couch*

Dick : *takes into account the two bottles of Tequila on the coffee table and variously colored shot glasses*

Dick : where’s Bruce ? 

Jason : AYE ! LOOK WHO’S BACK ! IT’S SEXY ASS !

Roy : HEEEY ! MR.SEXY ASS !

Dick : *rolling his eyes* that’s Mr.Sexy Ass Officer to you two

Jason : daaaamn girl, kinky

Roy : *holding his wrists out* officer, i’ve been naughty as hell. please. cuff me then ride the shit out of me

Jason : *laughing too hard*

Dick : I’m gonna ask again. where’s Bruce. doesn’t this sort of drunken party usually happen hidden away in the Lounge Room ?

Jason : *head lolling back* yeeeaaah but B is outta Gotham for a few days, an’ Alfred ain’t around, he’s on vacay visitin’ some folks er some shit. soooooo, I mean damn, why not bring the “drunken party” to the livin’ room?

Jason : *takes another shot* 

Jason : *glares at Dick* AND I AIN’T FUCKIN’ DRUNK for yer info ! I’m tipsy. NOT drunk. I can handle my liquor

Dick : mkay. 

Roy : join us, Dickie

Dick : god. i don’t wanna drink with you dumbasses, who knows what i’ll be roped into....but it has been a stressful week, and, i feel the peer pressure

Dick : *taking a seat across from them*

Jason & Roy : *cheering happily*

Jason : *pours Dick a shot* here ya go, Luscious

Dick : *takes the shot*

Roy : *already holding out another for him* here ya go again, Tasty Vixen

Dick : whoa, already again ??? I haven’t even recovered from the first shot ! slow down shit

Jason : lightweight ass

Dick : no. I’m just not an avid drinker like you two

Roy : *nudging the shot impatiently towards Dick*

Dick : *takes the shot*

Jason : *holding up another*

Dick : shit. stop. what are you trying to get me wasted or something ?

Roy : *smirks at Jason*

Jason : *smirks back*

Jason : *sarcastically* noooo baby, I’d never do that to yoooou. especially with Roy here. what ever on EARTH would we dooo ?? a THREEsome ??? ewwww. . . .

Roy : *just as sarcastically* OMG ! groooosssss. . .

Dick : get me lit enough and it just might happen

Jason & Roy : *hopeful little puppies clumsily pouring more shots for Dick*

Dick : NO ! STOP ! I WAS KIDDING !!

Roy : don’t just go messin’ with my soul like that baby

Jason : yeah. shit, doll. got a mother fucker all excited’n shit....damn.

Dick : hm. sounds like a personal problem to me

Jason : *stares offensively for a second before sitting back dramatically and crossing his leg*

Dick : *sensing some bullshit coming along*

Jason : got a question for ya, sweetcheeks

Dick : oh yeah ? and what’s that ?

Jason : why you not lemme smash ??

Dick : . . .

Dick : excuse me. but what ?

Jason : why you won’t lemme hit it an quit it ??? 

Dick : *blinking*

Jason : ejaculate and evacuate, rock your box and then change the locks, shoot my jizz and then out I is-

Dick : yeah yeah I fucking GET it !

Jason : then if ya get it, darlin’ *leans forward* why haven’t ya lemme in ??

Dick : excuse yourself but i’m not just some item on a shelf. you can’t just casually pick me up and then take me home. I get to chose who I sleep with as well, and let me tell you something, I don’t just choose anyone

Jason : oh really ? ‘cause I can name at LEAST 6 son’s’a bitches that don’t even PAAAAAAAASS grade A fuckin’ rank in my books

Jason :  NUMBER 1; SLADE Yes I Kill For Pleasure WILSON !!! NUMBER 2; WALLY Horny Ass Air Head WEST !!! NUMBER 3; BRUCE I’m A Brooding Janus-Faced Crackpot With Unresolved Emotional Instability Who Likes to Put Boys In Green Panties And Then Send Them To Their Deaths WAYNE-!!!

Dick : *blushing* OH. MY. GOD. that’s enough Jason. shut up

Jason : *smug as hell* now tha’s what I thought

Roy : whoawhoawhoa 👐 hold the fuck up. you fuckin’ The Bat ?? for real for realz ?

Dick : that’s none of your business

Jason : sure as fuckin’ HELL was MY god damned business every fuckin’ night I heard that headboard hittin’ the wall in B’s room with ya sobbin’ his name like--

Dick : --okaysoumYEAH !! NEXT conversation PLEASE !

Jason : considering the fact that YOU have suuuuch poor selection in dudes....imma ask again *sexy smirk*....why you not lemme smash ??

Roy : yeah dude; knick knack patty whack let my man bone

Dick :

Dick : . . .

Dick : *pours himself another shot*

Dick : *stands up*

Dick : *grabs both bottles of Tequila*

Dick : mkay, this parties been officially canceled due to apparent derangement 

Dick : *leaves the room*

Jason : . . .

Roy : . . .

Jason & Roy : *exchanging glances*

Jason : *gets up and casually saunters after Dick*

Roy : *gets up and casually saunters after Jason*

*Eventually*

Dick : *upstairs* OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM YOU WEIRDOS I’M TRYING TO CHANGE !!!!

Jason & Roy : *getting their drunk asses thrown the fuck out of Dick’s room*

Roy : shit, he really knows how to tease a guy

Jason :  tell me ‘bout it 

Roy : ‘an he took our Tequila

Jason : baby boy really knows how ta hurt a brotha too

Jason : *turns to pound on Dick’s closed door* YER BREAKIN’ MAH HEART, BABY !!

Roy : *starts singing Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart*

Damian : *comes out of his room at the opposite end of the hallway*

Damian : *starts throwing hangers at Jason and Roy*

Jason : DIIIICKIIIIE !! OPEN UP !! WE FORMALLY REQUEST SANCTUARY !!

Roy : YES ! AND WE SWEAR THAT WE WONT TRY AN’ FUCK YOU !

Jason : *looks blankly at Roy*

Jason : . . . .speak for yourself

Damian : *coming at them with a sword and Titus hot on his heels as back up and noble steed* you immmoRAL BASTARDS BETTER KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM GRAYSON !!

Jason & Roy : AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH--!!!

Damian : LAY A FINGER ON HIM AND YOU ARE DEAD ! DO YOU HEAR ME ?! D-E-A-D !

*Meanwhile*

Dick : *laying across his bed with his earphones in/sipping Tequila and catching up on Real Housewives*

Dick : uh....you ?

Jason : *staring at Bruce for a whole 4 minutes*

Bruce : *doing laptop work*

Jason : *takes drink from glass* ...

Bruce : *uncomfortably typing*

Jason : *drunk as fuck*

Bruce : ..

Jason : .. . so aye, lookit, are you a virgin or not

*Tim’s uncontrolled laughter*

Cameraman :*zooming in on Bruce’s momentary confusion and grief*