#drunk characters

The night had finally arrived, and everyone was bustling to make it a great one. Usually Nate would be the only one taking a while to actually get ready for a reunion event, but when the announcement came out that it would be a costume party, all of the other previous Jack hosts started planning what they’d do a couple weeks in advance. After everything that had happened, Nate was honestly surprised Buzz had agreed to not only join, but to take part in a group costume. Schmitty, Cookie, and Guy were easy. They were still around and still close, each of them was quick to join in.

The plan sounded pretty straightforward. Each of the hosts was going to dress up as one another, using whatever they had on hand, and however they perceived whoever they decided to emulate. This happened to be where the planning ended, unfortunately, as Nate didn’t just see Cookie pulling on a pair of Nate’s own skinny jeans and doing his best to style a shitty Elvis wig, but almost crashed the car when they saw Schmitty quite literally shapeshift into a near perfect clone of her. Thankfully, with Nate’s new incentive to never take her eyes off the road, the trio made it to the studio, being some of the first to arrive. Guy and Buzz had also arrived, and much to Nate’s dismay, seemingly had the exact same idea as their partners.

“You think maybe we should’ve planned this better?” Cookie sighed, adjusting his sad excuse of a wig.

“Yeah, while I’m flattered you wanted to be me so much, the plan was to go as one another.”

“Where’s your costume, then?” Buzz narrowed his eyes, pointing a finger at his cousin. He had chosen to go a far more…casual route than the others, with an oversized Abba sweatshirt being the sole giveaway of who he was dressed as.

“Hey, at this rate, I couldn’t bear to change my extensive skincare routine on such short notice.”

“We had a whole month to plan this out!” Cookie pinched the bridge of his nose as the dull headache this conversation was giving him drained out the discomfort of the Party City wig.

“And that would’ve been more than enough time to get the theme right!” Nate paused, taking a breath as she turned towards the Fibbage host. “Why didn’t we talk about this before? I mean, we live together.”

“You three are practically married, and somehow all ended up in the same costume?” Buzz gestured to Cookie, Schmitty and Nate. “Remind me how something like that happens?”

“Look, we’ve all got a lot going on in our lives, Buzz. Of course someone’s bound to forget about something!” Schmitty barely noticed Buzz’s horrified glare. Even with her bright purple skin, the last thing Buzz wanted to see was Schmitty’s painfully recognizable voice coming out of his cousin’s body.

“Please do not talk for the rest of the night. I’m begging you.” The former Jack host could hardly look his ex co-worker in the eyes. Schmitty, in return, only shrugged, and went off to do god knows what before the party actually started.

“Anyway, what are you doing here so early?” Guy sounded eager to change the subject. Nate honestly had no complaints about her outfit. Somehow the obviously sprayed black hair and old figure skating costume went together really well.

“Wanted to beat the traffic.” Nate’s answer was half-true, but she wasn’t quite in the mood to get into the driving escapades she and her partners had constantly gotten into.

“I get that! I got here early because my husband had a thing and-” That’s when Guy was cut off by a hissing sound, and immediately after, smoke began to fill the room. Within seconds, the clouds were so thick that the group could hardly see a thing.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“OW! MY LEG?!”

“WHOA! WATCH OUT!”

And then the smoke cleared.

Nate blinked and looked around. The smoke had cleared, but somehow his vision hadn’t. He barely had time to process everything before noticing that something felt off.

Was it possible to feel too horny? Yes, it was. That was exactly what he was feeling right now, and it did not feel good. As he thought about this more, he began to wonder out loud.

“Why does wanting to fuck feel so wrong? And why do I even want to? And why with a guy named Ricky for that mat-OOOOOHHHH NOOOO!” Buzz looked up from his hands as the realization dawned on him. Through his fogged-up glasses, he saw the silhouette of who appeared to be his cousin turn to him. It seems like she must’ve heard him.

“Damn, cuz, I thought I was the only one. You’ve got great taste, though.” Horror struck Buzz as he heard the response. That was not Nate’s voice.

“SCHMITTY?!”

“Uh, nope. Think I saw her head to the snack bar.”

“Look, I know you can’t stand me, but please stop with this bit! Clearly, I’m not in the mood!”

“Hey, I’m not doing any bit right now!” Schmitty raised its hands defensively. “I was just trying to help!”

“Well, stop!” Buzz rushed away from his former co-worker. Somehow, he still hadn’t wiped down his glasses. “NATE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

“Right here, cuz!” Four voices rang back, all scarily in unison.

“Cut the crap please!” Buzz covered his ears, squeezing his eyes shut. His glasses had caused a dull headache to strike. “I just want my cousin! The real Nate Shapiro! Not to be a part of whatever fucking improv exercise this is!” Buzz had hit the wall by this point. He barely heard the quick footsteps rushing over.

“You okay? I thought I heard you scream my name.” Buzz let himself relax upon hearing the familiar voice. He hesitantly opened his eyes, to see Nate in the flesh, standing right in front of him.

“Oh, thank god it’s you!”

“Who else would it be?” The older cousin raised an eyebrow, waiting for Buzz to explain

“After the smoke…I felt weird…and wanted…Ricky…and then Schmitty…and everyone…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! At least catch your breath before telling me!” Nate cut off their cousin, resting a hand on his shoulder. “And what was that about a Ricky?”

“I wanted to fuck…”

“Oh shit, this is bad.” Immediately, Nate’s eyes widened. “But why a Ricky ? You know I’ve got dibs!”

“I don’t know…but I guess Schmitty was in earshot, and she was pretending to be you when she heard me! And she didn’t even cut the act when I told her to stop!”

“That’s also kinda weird…” Nate tapped their foot, their voice getting quiet. “If she were that committed to the bit, it would’ve started acting like me long before the smoke went off.”

“That wasn’t even the worst part!” Buzz flung his hands into the air as he took a breath. Before he could go on, Guy passed the two, heading in the direction of the bar, and turned to face them on the balls of her feet.

“Hey, cuz! Hey, other me!” With that, she continued on her way, leaving the cousins utterly shell-shocked.

“See what I mean?” Buzz gestured towards his former co-worker.

“Yeah. Guy wouldn’t just…” Nate trailed off, mumbling something indistinguishable. It seemed like she was beginning to piece together what was going on. “Hey, cuz, you ever seen that one Buffy Halloween episode?”

“One, there’s a ton of them, and two, how is that relevant?!”

“Season two’s, and I promise I’m going somewhere with this!” Nate barely waited for her cousin to tell her to go on. “Anyone who bought a costume from one particular shop gets put under a spell to become what they’re dressed as.” They stopped for a second, noticing the realization dawning on Buzz’s face. “It isn’t a perfect comparison, but it sure feels close enough.”

“And that’s why nothing happened to you!” Buzz practically jumped a few inches off the ground, pointing at his cousin. “Though how was I able to break out of it so quickly?”

“Maybe since your costume was so half-assed, it had a weaker influence on you.”

“Look, you only get to say that because you’re my cousin.” Buzz rolled his eyes, looking around. “I was honestly looking forward to this party!”

“Hey, at least it’s not like the episode where everyone’s worst fears come to life!”

“I think I’ve got a new one.” Buzz shuddered, glancing over to where he could just barely make out Schmitty. “We need to get everyone back to normal now!”

“Hey, we’ve got this!” Nate tiled back onto their heels, glancing around at the others. “Okay, so you broke out because you got so uncharacteristically horny, it was impossible to ignore, right?”

“Come on, Nate. Did you really need to bring that up again?”

“It’ll be the last time, I promise!” This time Nate did get a response from their cousin, in the form of a skeptical nod. “We just need to give the others something they can’t ignore.”

“And how are we supposed to do that?” Buzz crossed his arms, still not getting the other’s plan.

“Oh, just like this!” Nate positioned himself, so he was slightly cheating out towards Guy. She then took a deep breath, preparing to raise her voice as she spoke. “Hey Buzz, you catch the baseball game last night?”

“Why the fuck are you asking me-” Buzz immediately stopped, as his cousin jabbed their elbow into him, and nodded towards their former co-worker. Suddenly his cousin’s outburst started to make more sense. “Oh yes, Nate! I sure am glad our team won!”

“Oh, me too!” Nate continued to yell about some made-up game that was only a hypothetical. People were beginning to look their way, and from a distance, they noticed Guy quickly blinking. “That really was such a great, um, home run, the, uh, baseballer hit in the…third…half…?”

“Third half?! Really?!” Although Buzz was whispering, there was a clear sharpness to his tone.

“Look, do you think I know anything about baseball?”

“I thought you knew about basic fractions!” Buzz sighed and shook his head. Before either of the cousins could say something else, Guy rushed up to them.

“Were you talking about the Cubs game!”

“Yeah! We were just getting into-” Nate paused, looking Guy up and down. There was no mistaking the glint in her eyes for anything other than pure curiosity and excitement, were missing that they’d had moments before. “Guy! You’re back!”

“Why would I be back? I didn’t go anywhere!” The former Sports host took a big sip out of her glass. And then immediately spit it on the ground. “Why was I drinking wine? ”

“Long story!” Nate was quick to answer. “Well, not the wine part. We’ll explain in a bit.”

“Cool.” Guy gave the others a quick thumbs-up. “And by the way, in baseball, they’re not called halves. They’re called innings! And there’s nine of them!”

“Guy, that’s not quite-” Buzz just sighed and stopped himself. This might be a battle he’d have to fight another time. Nate seemingly didn’t hear her cousin, and just continued to execute his plan.

“Buzz! How about you go fill Guy in while I go look for Cookie or Schmitty!”

“What?! Why me?”

“Just trust me, cuz, okay?” Without giving her cousin any time to respond, Nate headed into the crowd, trying to look for either one of their partners. Judging based on how easy it had been for Buzz and Guy to break out, Cookie seemed like the next best option, since he hadn’t made himself into what was essentially Nate’s clone. The former Jack host stopped when she got close enough to the rest of the crowd. Cookie was bound to pick up on something she was saying.

“Man, someone should really do something about all those interns!” Nate started with a classic, raising her voice the exact same way she did to get Guy’s attention. There was no response. “Okay, uh…I wonder when the caterers are gonna get here! I heard there’d be ma po tofu, sweet and sour pork, and a whole mountain of fortune cookies! ” Once again, no response. Nate quickly glanced around the room once more, their eyes landing on Cookie, matted wig and all. He definitely looked like he was sweet-talking one of the other guests, resting his hand on the nearest wall.

“Damn…Is that really what I’m like?” Nate muttered the question to himself, hoping nobody would hear him and answer. That must be really weird to hear without the context anyway. Eventually, they headed back towards Guy and Buzz trying to think of something that would work. If Cookie was going to completely ignore his hatred towards interns and his love of Chinese food, Nate needed to think bigger. They couldn’t just mention the things that would catch his attention, but had to shove them in his face as well.

“I’VE GOT IT!” Thankfully, Nate had made it back to Guy and Buzz as an idea hit her. Unfortunately, she was met with some confused looks from the others. “Buzz…I take it Guy’s up to speed!”

“Yep! All caught up!” Guy nodded, taking a step forward. “I can’t believe you guys saw me acting like you, Nate! I would’ve paid to see that!”

“Well…I guess you can! For free though!” Nate looked between the two as she went on. Buzz’s expression hadn’t yet changed. “You two, keep the others distracted. I’ve got a small errand to run!”

“Wait…you’re just gonna leave us with two of you?” While you go shopping?”

“I said an errand , not a shopping spree, cuz!” That hardly got Buzz to budge. “And besides, This is gonna help, I swear!”

“You’ve been making a hell of a lot of promises tonight.” Buzz rolled his eyes.

“And have I not delivered on any of them?”

“…No…”

“Great! So I’ll be right back. One of you get Cookie, and the other get Schmitty, and just…keep them from doing anything I would do!” Before either Buzz or Guy could respond, Nate had rushed out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roughly 25 minutes later, Nate burst back into the room, panting, drenched in sweat, and holding one of Cookie’s beloved cats, Poopsie.

“Did you really run all the way back to your house and back?” Buzz failed to stifle a laugh as he stared at his cousin.

“I panicked a little, okay?” Nate took a second to catch their breath. “This better be worth the breakout tomorrow.”

“A little?” Buzz raised an eyebrow, a smirk still clear on his face. It was only when he got an exasperated glance from Nate in response that he changed the subject. “I left Cookie with Guy, by the way. I don’t know where Schmitty went but she might.”

“Perfect.” Nate sighed, clenching her shoulders for a moment. “Well, at least we’ve got one of them.” They quickly scanned the room before going to set Poopsie down on the floor. As Nate was doing this, they lowered their voice, and nodded towards Cookie. “Go get your dad, Poopsie! I’m sure he misses you!” Poopsie immediately started heading towards Cookie, eventually nuzzling against his leg when she was close enough. This got him to turn around, and for a second, it seemed like the marathon Nate had just run had been in vain.

“He snuck one of his cats in again ?! I thought we’d be past this by no-”. Cookie stopped as his gaze fixed on Poopsie. The poor cat had a look on her features that could only be described as aghast. She didn’t know what was wrong, and for a moment, neither did Cookie. The Fibbage host’s expression softened as he quickly rubbed his eyes.

“Oh my god, Poopsie! How did you get here!” Almost immediately, Cookie scooped up his beloved cat. “Oh, you must be so scared with all these people around, but don’t worry! Daddy’s here!”

Nate let out a sigh of relief as she watched her boyfriend cradle Poopsie. They glanced towards Buzz, extending a fist towards him, getting an eye roll, and a reluctant fist bump in response.

“We don’t have time to celebrate, cuz. Remember?” Buzz tried once again tried to find Schmitty in the crowd, but once again, couldn’t quite spot her.

“Hey, you said you thought Guy knew where Schmitty went, right?” Before waiting for her cousin to respond, Nate cleared her throat. “Hey, Guy! You seen Schmitty anywhere?!”

“Shhhh! She’s already stressed enough!” Cookie briefly looked up and shook his head before going back to focusing only on Poopsie. Guy on the other hand, made her way over to Nate, seeming more, swaying a bit even when she wasn’t actively moving.

“Nate! What happened to you?” Guy chuckled a bit as she took a sip from the glass she was holding.

“‘I’ll tell you later. Just…how much did you drink so far?”

“Oh, this is just my second glass! I went to get some beers for me and Schmitty, but when I got back, it was gone! So I just figured more for me!” Guy let out another giddy laugh, almost losing her balance. Thankfully both Nate and Buzz were close enough to catch her.

“Great.” Buzz pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “Did you at least see where she went?”

“Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh…” Guy paused for a bit, squinting as she glanced at the rest of the partygoers. “Nope!”

“Well that’s helpful.” Nate’s remark was just loud enough for the others to hear.

“Thanks!” Maybe Guy was already too drunk to pick up on the sarcasm. Nate didn’t have the energy to explain it to her.

“Look, how about I stay here with Guy, and maybe you get some water or something before looking for Schmitty?” Buzz was quick to interject as he began to lead Guy over to a table. “You really look like you need some.”

“Yeah…yeah, good idea, cuz.” Nate nodded, letting out a breath they didn’t even realize they’d been holding. “I’ll just stop by the bar real quick.”

*************************************************************************************

“Are you okay?” The bartender’s question didn’t seem to startle Nate that much. They simply treated it as a cue to lean forward and sprawl their arms and chest across the counter.

“Look, I’ve got a killer headache right now. Just give me the biggest, strongest thing you’ve got.” It wasn’t water like her cousin had suggested, but at least it would be something to take the edge off so Nate could get through the rest of this search. The bartender reluctantly went to prepare the drink, while Nate hoped she could continue her plans of wallowing in her misery until she had acquired some alcohol. Unfortunately, those plans would be cut extremely short.

“Ricky, you say? Well, then you’ll be perfect!” Nate immediately rose from her spot at the bar counter. She knew that voice and she did not like what it was saying. Sure enough, Schmitty was against the end of the counter, arms draped around who Nate could only guess was another employee at the studio. After everything, she should’ve expected this by now, but she alone had dibs on all the Rickys, and she was going to break Schmitty out with a very unkind reminder.

“Sorry to interrupt, but don’t you think you’d rather talk to the real Nate Shapiro?” Nate lightly shoved Schmitty out of the way as she took a step closer to the other staff member. Upon hearing a scoff come from her girlfriend, she immediately turned towards it with a growl. “What was that.”

“In what world would the real Nate Shapiro come to an event looking like that? ” Schmitty dramatically gestured towards Nate before going on. “If you weren’t drenched in sweat and didn’t have runny eyeshadow or a single hair out of place, you’d actually be somewhat convincing!” Nate had to stop herself from snarling at Schmitty. They weren’t feeling any less threatened, and that seemed to make their headache get even worse.

“Really?” The former Jack host took a breath as she quickly pieced together a counter-argument. “Well, at least I actually had the balls to show up looking like this! I think it makes me complex, rather than a two-dimensional, off-brand copy like you!”

“Hey! I’m very three-dimensional! Just take a look at my ass if you want proof!” Well, that didn’t sound like something Nate would say at all. “And besides, not all of us can afford Coco Channel.”

Nate had to process the response a few times before she felt her headache start to lessen. The more the two of them threw around insults, the more Schmitty was starting to act like herself again, and while the last thing Nate wanted to do was to hurt her girlfriend’s feelings, she didn’t have much of a choice.

“Coco Chanel ? Damn, your French really has gotten so rusty, it’s become dull!” She barely gave Schmitty time to gasp before going on. “And you really think I’d wear Chanel? You really don’t know me at all, do you?”

“Well, I certainly know that I’d have far better things to do with my time here than just sulking at the bar. I mean, which one of us was out there mingling on the dance floor?” Well, that was certainly a step backwards.

“I’ve been having a rough night! I’m sure you’d know all about that?”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t let it show! You really should’ve done more research before claiming to be me!”

“And you should…” Nate paused. In any other circumstances, they’d be able to talk circles around an opponent, but right now, they were grasping at straws. “You should just shut up and let me win this one!” She let out a long exhale, and leaned back on the bar counter.

“Aww, out of clever comebacks already?” Schmitty’s smug expression was hard for Nate to ignore. It was so unsettling, she had to stop herself from visibly recoiling. Instead, the former Jack host glanced around at the rest of the party. Everyone seemed to have their eyes on the fight and Nate heard the Guy distantly chanting ‘Nate fight!’ over and over again. Unfortunately, they couldn’t leave Schmitty hanging for too long.

“No! I just need a minute!”

“The real Nate wouldn’t need a minute, so ha!”

“Well, uh…” Nate only had one idea for what she could say next. It was risky, and she’d most definitely regret it if she said it, but it was still worth a shot. “Quiplash is boring!”

Within a millisecond, Schmitty had flung herself at Nate, no longer appearing like their clone, but instead some indescribable amalgamation of several beasts. Nate hardly had time to let out a sigh of relief before shifting into a different form herself. Thankfully, as a fox, she had managed to get far from Schmitty’s reach. This didn’t stop the Quiplash host from continuing her retaliation at all. Nate was quick to slide in front of her partner, wanting to make sure that nobody-the two of them included-would get hurt.

“Hey! Easy girl!” For a second, Nate forgot that she currently needed the support of her front two legs to stay balanced, but her words enough seemed to calm Schmitty down. The two locked eyes, and Schmitty bent down until its nose was touching Nate’s, the two of them both taking this as the cue to shift back into their human forms. Sure enough, Schmitty’s initial transformation had torn Nate’s clothes to shreds, but that would be an issue for another time.

“Holy fuck…what just happened?” Schmitty squinted its eyes and pinched its forehead. “Oh god, I really shouldn’t have left my glasses at home.”

Almost immediately, Nate wrapped their girlfriend in a hug, and rested their head on her shoulder.

“Everything okay?” Schmitty was very clearly startled by the hug, but by no means was she complaining.

“I just missed you.” Nate gave Schmitty a quick kiss on the cheek to further emphasize her response.

“I was here the whole time…”

“I’ll explain later. What do you say we find the others and get out of here?”

“I really need to. My head is killing me.”

“You and me both.” Nate began to guide Schmitty over towards the others, leaning on it as they walked. It seemed like Buzz, Guy, and Cookie only needed to see the two of them curled in on one another to deduce that everything had been resolved.

Thankfully, everyone else was pretty much on the same page about leaving. Cookie was desperate to get Poopsie home, and while Guy was up for doing anything, everyone figured she’d need as much rest as she could get before the impending hangover. Buzz just wanted to finally get to relax, and spend some time away from his ex-coworkers after everything they had all just gone through.

Just as they were about to pass through the lobby, they were unfortunately stopped.

“Hey! Have you guys seen my smoke bomb? I had a killer prank I was gonna pull on the party, but I lost it!” All five of them visibly froze once they heard [REDACTED]’s voice. Nate slowly looked towards the serial killer, eye twitching.

“The smoke bomb was yours?”

“Oh, so you saw it then?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Huh…” [REDACTED] paused as he stared at the others. “Well, I’m sure I have a spare somewhere! Plus, I really should get to the party. I’ve been dying to show off my new Malibu Barbie costume!” The murderer gestured up and down at his ensemble, hoping for a reaction.

“Well, then we’ll leave you to it then!” Nate quickly shuffled the rest of the group out the door. As soon as it closed, a faint hissing sound was heard. Everyone quickly turned back towards the window to see smoke filling up the lobby room.

“I’m guessing he found his spare?” Even though Schmitty still hadn’t been filled in on the night’s events, her comment couldn’t have been any more spot-on.

“Thank god we’d just gotten out here.” Buzz turned back to the car, trying his best to ignore what was going on inside. “I swear to god if I had to deal with all of you becoming my cuz again, I would scream.”

Even though Buzz had turned away, everyone else still kept their eyes locked on the window, watching intently as the smoke cleared. [REDACTED] simply stood there, standing terrifyingly still. After about one second, he fell out of frame, and presumably onto his side. It looked like this smoke bomb had the exact same effect as the other.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine!” Nate glanced back and forth between the rest of the group before straightening up. “Well, shall we?”