#dreamsharing

“It took at least 45 minutes after the soundcheck for the concert to actually start. Not that anyone was counting. My heart would skip a beat everytime the screen changed from the raindrops, but it was just merch commercials. I was expecting to see MVs while we waited, so I was a little bit frustrated, and after Natalie went to the front, I didn’t have anybody to talk to, and people around me were not the kindest, but that’s fine.”

“How was it when it started?” Your roommate asks.

“Ah! It was everything… All of the ARMY Bombs started to shine in orange and blue, it was so beautiful, then, there was a trigger warning. I couldn’t believe my eyes, this guy is so thoughtful. At that point it was obvious that it was going to start. And when it did, the whole rain ASMR made sense. He could be an actor if he wanted, the video intro? I was screaming so loud, you have no idea!”

“ I can hear it in your voice, _____ I wonder how you’re gonna teach today”

“That’s why I’m eating apples for breakfast, you know how they help your throat, that’s why teachers get apples from their students in cartoons”

“Okay, okay, how was it when he actually showed up?”

“ It may sound dramatic to you, but when I saw him again after the soundcheck, was like all of the colors around me were brighter, and my poor heart…I could’ve died, my whole body felt like I had a fever all the time he was on the stage, I feel a little bit guilty to say that, but it felt like he was the only man for me, which is totally weird, but I really felt like that, and he looked so good. But when he started to sing, seriously, it was everything, he started with Haegum and Daechwita!!! Do you have any idea of how close to dying I was?!  Then he said he wanted to tell his story with less anger??? Why would he say that?!”

“Isn’t it a good thing?”

“Yes!” You exclaim. “ It made my heart swell, I wanted to hug him so bad, seriously, he sang People and SDL twice in front of me, then he said that, I swear.  I won’t even talk about the stunt he played with Seesaw.”

“Alright, I won’t even ask”

“He played the fucking guitar in front of little old me!” You say “ I don’t know how I didn’t cry. I kept thinking about it as he was in front of me, like how was I not crying, Cami?! He was singing in front of me and was on my side of the stage multiple times, I can’t believe I was so lucky to live that, but I was not crying! How’s that possible? I usually cry a lot about everything.”

“You were feeling all of the other stuff too, maybe you were just overwhelmed, it happens… You don’t need to cry in a show just because everyone says it’s what you have to do, that doesn’t make you any less of a fan, you know that, right?

“ I know, but I actually felt like crying, I just couldn’t… He is such an artist.”

“He sure left an English teacher without words. What kind of description is that?”

“You know when you see someone so good at what they do that you can’t stop looking at them? They captivate you in such a way that you can’t take your eyes off of them because they do it so beautifully and it’s so special? I wasn’t expecting it to be like that, and the fact that I keep dreaming about having conversations with him doesn’t help, you know!? Yesterday felt like one of my dreams, and it makes me feel good in a certain way, but it also makes me feel like I’m going crazy, because it feels so real but it’s all in my head.”

 “You should look into these dreams, ______. There must be people that could help you with that.” Your roommate says, getting up from the table and taking her coffee mug to the sink.

“If I say it out loud to anyone but you, I’ll have to admit that these dreams are more than what they are, and they aren’t, I’m just a fan that might be slightly obsessed with her bias” 

“You are literally dreaming about this guy with things that actually happened in his life! If this isn’t real, or more than regular dreams, then you are already going mad!” She finishes rinsing her dishes and stares at you. “Look, I wouldn’t read too much into it if you were his fan before these dreams, but you didn’t even know who he was… You’re just in denial, it costs you nothing to search for at least a reason why this happens to you in the first place.”

“Then what, he’s dreaming about me, too? He’s aware that he’s talking to me while he sleeps as well? That’s delusion, Cami. I’m already feeling delusional about the concert, I don’t need more of that.”

“What do you mean he’s talking to you?”

“The way you have conversations with people when you dream sometimes.”

“And you say these are just regular dreams… I know you’re smarter than this, _______, just think about it, okay? ” your friend sighs. “Now, teachers can’t be late for school, let’s go.”

You got your bag and left your home, trying not to think about what your friend had said. With a long busy day ahead of you and a mind filled with memories of the night before, you couldn’t afford adding dreams to your list of worries.

The uneventful subway ride in the morning gave place to an eventful school day. The concert was a topic of all of your lessons. Your students were eager to know why you were absent the day before, hoping to get some sort of information about your personal life. Some of them were ARMY, and were excited to share a bit of their experience with you too.

“You are so lucky you could skip school to go earlier and get a good view” one of your high schoolers said. “My mom didn’t let me miss one class and I was probably the last one to arrive for soundcheck. My view was terrible, Ms. ______, terrible! But I’ve got seats for tonight’s show and I’m going on Saturday as well, they say Jimin is performing in one of these shows!”

“I was so close he even baptized me! I can’t believe it, he looks so fine.” you hear another voice say.

“I had lower bowl seats, I could see him after the whole stage was up, so I was lucky” you hear it in another class”

“I’m seeing SUGA in Chicago next week” oh, that’s a lot of effort.

“They are saying he’s going to the Knicks game on Sunday! I wonder if my dad can buy me tickets” someone says in your lesson right after lunch.

“Ms._____, aren’t you too old to skip work just to go to a concert of some guy? He doesn’t even know you exist” you hear one of the boys say on your last period.

“Aren’t you too old to be that stupid?” one of the girls comes to your defense before you say anything else. “ Ms. _____ can do whatever she wants.”

“Back to English, my friends” you say grinning “The day is almost over but we have a lot of work to do.”

By the time lessons are done, you find yourself grading papers. You are used to being efficient after creating a routine and following it for so long, but it seemed like thoughts of Yoongi would linger around for longer than you expected. Not that you are complaining, the man has always been a source of comfort for you. It’s just that after seeing him and experiencing joy like never before, it’s hard to know you might have to wait much longer to see him again, or any of the BTS members for that matter.

You take your phone out of your bag and, distracted as you are, watch some of the videos of the concert. The damage has been done, video after video, you smile at your phone screen like a teenager in love, laughing loudly at your own energetic screams at the beginning of a song and at your beautiful (read: awful) singing in a language that not even you could understand. The work at the desk was forgotten for a moment. You had time, at least another hour before the meeting of the English department.

 You select some of the videos and pictures to share on your Instagram. One with your ARMY Bomb, a video of Yoongi singing People, a picture of him with his guitar during Seesaw and a video of Daechwita that portrays nothing but flashes of light and screams. You try to write a caption for what it feels like hours, just to delete every single word. You do that again and again, then grade some more papers, and go back to your phone. 

I’m so proud of this guy and his work. So proud of his music. I’m astonished by his talent and I love him so much it’s hard to put into words.

There was life before Min Yoongi and after Min Yoongi (I learned that yesterday!) I just know my life will never, ever be the same.

What a fucking good day @agustd! The best moment is yet to come 💜

What a lame way to explain how you feel. At least you got a little bit off your chest. Putting your phone away, you go back to your religious work routine. Contract hours are over, but your work day isn’t finished. Little did you know, at 5:00 in the afternoon, when you were walking to the meeting room, that the day was far from being over.

You were supposed to leave the school at 6, and that would be late enough, instead, the meeting ended an hour after that. The coordinator talked and talked, and you had to go through ice breakers. Why? You didn’t know, you and the other English teachers knew each other, you could say that your relationship was friendly, so it felt like a waste of time and energy. It was almost the end of the school year, was the lecture about the importance of curriculum really necessary at this point? An email wouldn’t do?

It’s almost 8 when you open the door to your apartment, dropping your bag in the living room and going straight to the bathroom for a long hot shower. You take time and enjoy the relaxing moment, get dressed and use what’s left of your energy to reheat leftovers you found in your fridge.

“You work too much.” Camila says, dragging herself to the kitchen to get her usual glass of water before bed.

“I wish I was this late by choice” you respond, taking your plate to the dinner table. “Had a two-hour meeting with the department.”

“Two hours? What? Are you planning for next year now?”

“Same old curriculum” you say in between bites.

“Ugh, that sucks.”

“Don’t tell me about it, I can’t understand why it took us that long.”

“Just make sure to sleep well, okay? We still have tomorrow.”

Oh, you would do anything to skip to Friday afternoon. You turn airplane mode off and watch people’s Instagram stories while you eat, not really paying attention, until the melody of Haegum blasts through the speakers of your phone and scares you. You see the user and stop. Natalie?! That wasn’t the view from soundcheck last night. Did she go again?! She must have. These are not the same clothes Yoongi was wearing yesterday. You open your iMessage to text her, just to see she had already sent you a bunch of texts.

Natalie (Army) 5 pm

I know it may be too late, but I was wondering if you’d like to go to tonight’s show with me?! I’ll check the prices.

Natalie (Army) 5:20 pm

There are nosebleeds for 35 dollars!!! The show starts earlier tonight. We might be able to get there in time  if we get on one of the LIRR trains from GCS, but we need to go now! I just got my shoes on, leaving the house, tell me if you wanna go.

Natalie (Army) 5:45 pm

You are probably busy, so I'll buy my ticket and I’ll send you the link to the website so you can buy it too! Text me when you can!

35 dollars! What the fuck?

You know that even if you wanted to go to tonight's show, you wouldn’t be able to. The work day was long and there was no way to go from Brooklyn to Long Island in time. You sigh in frustration. You text her back.

You 9:03 pm

Hey, Nat! Sorry for not texting you back! I was at work until 7 :(. I saw your stories and hope you’re having fun!

It’s hard to swallow your dinner after that. You couldn’t do anything about it, of course. You hadn’t planned going to this concert anyways, so why are you feeling like you lost something that wasn’t even yours?  It’s not like you could have gone in the first place, you were working. You had your responsibilities, you are an adult after all. You feel a bump in your throat. What now? You shouldn’t cry because of something like this. You are supposed to be happy. Happy that you saw him, happy that you had the chance, happy for your friend that is seeing him again. Happy, not jealous. Happy, not frustrated. What kind of person can’t feel happy for their friends?! You are happy for her. You should be. Right? Then what kind of feeling is that?

You clean up after yourself, brush your teeth and do the most adult thing one can do before bed: scroll down your Twitter timeline.

Nine out of ten posts had Min Yoongi’s face on them. And of course, you interacted with every single one of them, from the soundcheck videos to the most amazing pictures the fans had taken, not only of tonight’s concert, but also of the one you experienced. 

Is this what it's like to be a fan? To dream about a moment that is over so quickly and miss it for the rest of your life knowing that you’ll never feel that way again? Well, never is a dramatic way to view this, but it’s what it feels like. What is it like when you see the seven BTS members just to miss them all after the highest of highs? You’d die, you are sure of it. Missing Yoongi is already hurting too much.

After what felt like hours of doom scrolling, you unpretentiously download at least three ticket resale apps, and fall asleep with your phone on your hands and your heart on your sleeve.

By the time you wake up, in front of the familiar stone house, you are surprisingly dry. The cold spring breeze touches brand new tree leaves making a crisp sound, proper for a night like this. The moonlight reflects on the stone in front of you and for the first time in your lucid dreams, you can say you’ve had a pleasant arrival.

When you open the door, you are welcomed by the usual smell of vanilla, cinnamon and coffee and everything seems in place. Everything except for the soft piano sound traveling through the air. You take your shoes off and walk in the direction of the sound, going up the stairs and notice two pictures on the wall. The one you took right when you arrived at the venue with your ARMY Bomb in your hands and a picture of Yoongi with his guitar during the concert.

You stop on your tracks and stare at the wall in front of you, wondering why those two moments were there and why the rest of the frames were still empty, unaware the music had stopped.

“You weren’t there tonight.” You hear Yoongi’s voice say from the top of the stairs.

“I was not.”

“You didn’t come here yesterday”

“Don’t blame me, I barely had any sleep”

“Come” he says, giving his back to you and walking in the direction of the first floor. “I have something to show you.” And you follow him and smile as he looks back at you just to make sure you were following along.

Yoongi takes you to the last door on the left and opens it effortlessly. 

“How did you do that?! You gasp.

“I was alone and bored last night and it just opened when I tried.”

“The other ones too?” 

“Just this one, but it had all I needed, come in”

He gives you space to go in and you almost choke when you look at the corner of the room and find the most beautiful piano you’ve ever seen, surrounded by tall windows. There is a big couch and a record player right beside you and an enormous shelf filled with records on the farthest wall of the room.  By the side of the piano, there’s a support for a guitar and you can’t believe your eyes.

“That’s where the music came from! I can’t believe this piano was here this whole time! This room is so you! Oh my god, it’s beautiful!” You throw yourself on the couch.

“You heard me play?” Yoongi asks and 

“Just when I arrived, would you play again?”

“You wanna hear me playing?”

“Of course, I always want to listen to your music!”

“Did you like it yesterday?”

“The concert?” You ask and he nods. “Where should I start? It was beyond my expectations, so much more. Felt like a dream, I can’t believe it happened.”

“Were you happy with the soundcheck? Could you see everything well enough? 

“Happy? I still can’t believe I heard my favorite song twice! Well, three times if I count the rehearsal.  And SDL??? Twice?? My heart was beating so fast. And pointing at the crowd?!” You look at him and see his mouth turning into a gummy smile. “You think it’s funny? When you pointed in my direction I almost passed out. It’s like I had a fever or something.”

“Good. I thought you would like to hear those before the show. I was kind of sick yesterday, I felt better tonight, but I missed you.”

“You couldn’t even see me in the crowd, how could you miss me?”

“I couldn’t see you but I could feel you looking at me.”

“There were thousands of people looking at you, Yoongi”

“It’s different.” he crosses his arms over his white oversized t-shirt and pouts. 

“How so?” 

“It just feels different when you look at me.”

And your heart clenches in your chest, how could it not, when your dream is like the plot of a romcom?!

“Well, I guess it’s over until…”

“You should go on Saturday”

The two of you say at the same time.

“Go ahead” you say.

“You could go to the concert on Saturday. If only I can get your information, I can get you good seats.”  Yoongi clears his throat “I’d like you to be there, if you want to.”

You look straight into his eyes, stunned, scanning his face and trying to process what he just said. Just to turn and stare at the instruments in front of you and remember, that as much as you like this. This is just a dream.

“Wow. Amazing how my brain knows exactly what I want to hear and makes sure to torture myself just so I can think about what I can’t have.” You snort in amusement.

“Amazing how my brain is the one reprimanding me for indulging in its own ideas.”

Yoongi lowers his head, frustrated, he must be going crazy, because there is no way he feels the way he feels when he looks at you, and dreams about you and believes you can be in his own concert just to be reminded that what’s happening now is a dream. Why does he feel that much if it’s just a dream, then?

“I’m sorry if I was rude, it’s just that… This isn’t real.”

“I know.”

“It feels too real sometimes.”

“I know”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s fine”  He stands up and offers one of his hands to you. “I think I owe you a song”

You hold his hand and he walks you to the piano. As you both sit and the idol beside you plays the first keys to one of his songs, you wish these dreams weren’t dreams at all. All Yoongi wants is the girl of his dreams to look at him for a little bit longer, even if she’s only a figment of his imagination.

🪷🪷🪷

You feel horrible when you wake up. You can’t understand yourself and how one time you are pretending and acting like you are actually having a conversation with your bias, just to shut down and start thinking rationally all over again. The conversation with your roommate was stuck in your head and you can’t help but feel confused. You must be really creative to read into soundcheck setlist choices and even more delusional to think an idol with so many fans would feel your presence amongst thousands. Yes, he pointed in your direction multiple times, yes, two of the songs during soundcheck were your favorites and you mentioned that in your dreams. But dreams are just dreams, right?! Is this obsession too much? Hell, you are traveling to another continent just to go to his concert again, maybe it is too much. You toss and turn and groan in your pillow. You can’t believe you were sarcastic with dream Yoongi. Even if he’s just your creation, you shouldn’t be rude, he is still Yoongi, after all.

Needless to say,  thinking about it too much left a sour taste in your mouth. Dreams with Yoongi usually make you calm and content, but it’s a Friday and you are a complete, irritated mess. 

Everybody around you could see it was not your day, Cami gave you space after a brief good morning wish, handing you a mug with hot coffee and eating breakfast in silence. Your students were quieter than usual and your peers looked at you like there was something wrong with the usual bubbly coworker they know.

It’s hard to understand how your mood went south in a matter of two days, you felt like something was missing. You felt sad thinking about how happy you felt just two days ago, afraid that your mind would make you forget everything you lived on that Wednesday. You end up spending your free time during the day checking the resale prices for the last show in the NYC area, internally hoping the prices were low enough to be justifiable. They were not, of course they were not. Why would they be? You wanted so badly that Dream Yoongi’s offer was real. You need to give more credit to your creativity, only a wild creative mind would think of that in their sleep.

The classroom gives place to a full subway train, and as the afternoon comes to an end, you are back home, blaming yourself for not giving your best to your students that day. There’s a heavy weight pulling your body down and you have to make a lot of effort to go take a shower and prepare something to eat. You take your time and do it either way, and find yourself under the warm blanket on your bed soon after. 

There’s noise outside, like a great start of a Friday Night in the city that never sleeps. You can feel time passing by due to the amount of light that enters your room through the curtains. You hear your roommate entering the apartment, then leaving, then arriving once again, some time later. Your body is tired but your mind is pretty much alive, and sleep doesn’t come to you, even hours after you went to bed.

Reaching for the table lamp beside you, find the switch and close your eyes when you turn the light on. Then you reach for your pen and your journal, and you write, write and write. Words that don’t make sense, thoughts that follow you, poems to express how you feel, love letters addressed to the void. The first signs of morning light interrupt your moment, your mind decides to give in, and you close your eyes surrendering to your slumber. For those few hours, you don’t dream about a thing.

🪷🪷🪷 

It’s past 2 in the afternoon when Camila decided it was time for you to get over it. 

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty” she says after slamming the door open and opening the curtains. 

“What the hell, Cami?!”You squeeze your eyes shut and stretch one of your arms.

“You have two options” Camila’s tone is assertive “You either talk about it first and then get ready, or get ready and talk about it on the way”

“On the way to what?” You stare at your friend.

“To the concert of course, unless the reason for this isn’t that kpop idol and your denial, amongst other things, then I apologize. Otherwise, I’m not letting you wallow in self-pity”

”I’m not wallowing in self-pity”

“Really? Seems like it to me” She rolls her big brown eyes, and sits on the end of your bed. “Look, _____, I don’t really know what’s gotten into you in the last 24 hours, I know that you are very in touch with your feelings and it’s a beautiful strength to allow yourself to feel everything, especially the bad stuff. If you have post-concert depression or whatever they call it and you still want to go, it’s okay. What you want is so simple to get, why are you acting like it’s so impossible to see your guy again? Just go…Writing like a maniac in the middle of the night won’t change anything.”

“How did you …” you gape at her.

“Your hands are so stained, dude” she exclaims. You look down at your hands and snort.

“I already have tickets to another concert and I’m happy about it, I didn’t even plan to go tonight”

”Still, it’s not about the planning, it’s about the wanting. If you wanna go tonight, why are you denying yourself something that you want?”

”I feel like I’m too old to be so obsessed with someone that doesn’t even know I exist” you sigh “He’s in my head even when I’m not awake, it just feels wrong.”

”There’s not too old and you know it. You are not doing anything wrong and dreaming about people isn’t a crime, you know?! Just enjoy it while you can, you think too much. There are people that invade their privacy and their space, now that’s wrong. It’s something so simple to do. Can we just go?”

“We?”

“You know, for an English Lit teacher, you lack a bit of interpretation…” She tilts her head “I want to check out what kind of concert makes you go euphoric then the full mode Bella Swan depression scene in Full Moon, even though I think it’s more about your Korean Edward Cullen than anything else.”

“His skin is actually really bright”

"Ugh, It’s so unfair” she pauses then jumps “But there’s no time for this. Get up, we’re going to Jersey.”

And that’s how you found yourself in front of the arena, under the rain, covered with a 5-dollar poncho and without any tickets an hour before the show starts. It didn’t take long to change your ticketing situation, though. Once you got there, there was no point in waiting too much for ticket prices to go down, you were already waiting for the concert, so you and Camila settled for second row center lower bowl tickets. They were not so close to the stage, but you were going to see the whole concert with ease this time.

You get nervous as the start time approaches, and there are still so many people in front of you. Camila, on the other hand, beams as she gets freebies from ARMY.

”There are so many photocards! And bracelets! I even got chocolate from someone, look!” She shows you a handful of plastic bags. “I love this!”

Loud cheers erupt from the inside of the venue and you grab your friend’s shoulder hard. Throughout the glass windows, you can see people running inside after they pass security. 

“Oh no, we’re going to miss at least Haegum and Daechwita” you cry.

”You don’t know, maybe they are screaming about something else, there are so many people out, they should wait a little longer”

You listened to your roommate this time, even if your whole body was shaking in anxiety. You passed smoothly through security five minutes later, Cami wasn’t so lucky, as the staff was not letting her take her film camera inside.

”Listen, lady, with all due respect, there are hundreds of people behind me, in the rain. The concert is about to start and you are making this really hard. Bringing my camera isn’t against the rules, just let me get it and go my way” You hear your friend speak, frustrated. “Just go to our seats, ______! Run, I’ll meet you there”

And so you do, going fast to your section, so fast to the point you almost slipped because of the water in your shoes. When you get to your seat, you are relieved to see that the concert is yet to start, you throw your jacket, bag and poncho under your seat and turn your ARMY Bomb on. You can hear your loud heartbeat in your ears and you take your time to look around you and at what you are doing now. You are so happy you could cry right now. Camila runs to your side throwing her stuff on her seat. 

“God, they were being so rude to so many fans. There are so many people outside, and it’s just infuriating, the patronizing tone, poor boy band fans have to go through this. I know they work to keep us safe, but is it hard to be nicer?”

“We are talking about an event that has women as the majority of the public. Do you think they know how to be nice?”

“I’m glad I didn’t miss a thing”

“I’m glad you convinced me to come. I’m so happy you are here with me!” You hug your friend. “It’s way past the time, I think it’s going to start at any minute now!”

The trigger warning appears on the screens right after you say that. The light sticks start to glow in synchronicity and the legion of fans inside of the arena just screams. You join them with a high-pitched yell that makes Camila giggle by your side. It’s electric and almost overwhelming. The VCR video starts and you react to it like it’s the first time. Until he gets on stage, and your body immediately reacts to him. The feverish touch of your skin and your  rapid pulse combined make you feel dizzy, especially after hearing his voice at the start of the first song of the night. Still, there’s nothing that could stop you from looking at your bias on that stage.

”What are these girls recording on the upper level?” Camila points, 4 songs into the concert.

You turn fast, your gaze following the phones of the girls beside you and you gasp.

”JIMIN?!”

You think your eyes are playing tricks on you, but you could recognize a BTS member anywhere, even in the dark, feet away from you and covered with a mask and a bucket hat.

”Oh my God, Cami, that’s Jimin!” you dance, the smile can’t leave your face “This is the best day of my life!”

You didn’t know how any other day would compare to this. The joy in your body was only intensified each time you looked where Jimin was seated. Your heart melted under Yoongi’s gaze at the public, and how cute he looked even after breaking the guitar string right before playing Seesaw. Having your friend by your side made you even happier, you were beaming every time she sang a familiar song or made a comment about Yoongi.

”This guy is hilarious” she said after he made sure to pick a fan with a Galaxy phone. “Samsung must be so happy now”

 And when he walks out the stage, without looking back, your world feels a little numb again. Camila is energetic and spends most of her time on the way back home showing you the videos she took of you and of Min Yoongi.

”Girl, the guy had the guitar and you were whipped” she hands you her cell phone. “And him, he looks at the crowd like he is in love, I’m not even his fan and I felt it” she says and you laugh in response.

”It ended so fast, Cami. I know I will see the same concert again, but it was so fast, I barely had time to process everything and it was over. It was so much fun, then he just left…” you say “ I wish I could live this night forever”

”I can see why you like him so much. And you even saw the other guy! I’m so happy you decided to come”

”Me too, thank you for calling me on my bullshit”

”That’s what I’m here for.”

It’s late in Brooklyn when you finally arrive at your apartment. Both you and your roommate have a late-night snack and take your much needed relaxing showers. As you lay in your bed, with a body still electrified from the tour and with so much joy in your heart, you are invaded with a deep sense of yearning.  You watch one, two, ten videos of tonight’s concert with a smile on your face, and, when you least expect it, you shed a tear. The first tear in days soon becomes a river of emotions that overflows from your eyes to your ears. You are so happy that it happened. You can’t wait to do it all over again.