These word, wishes tied to earth by ink
12/25/2023
Te following is taken from the calendar book “The Tibetan Book of Days”.
In the book, I chronicle my last grueling days at the Stanislaus County Public Defender’s office. And, the days just after I was fired on August 29, 1997.
The following entry from the book was written on the last page of the book. The page is entitled DECEMBER and includes spaces to write notes for December 28-31.
I , instead, included the following entries dated September 9, 1997 and September 15, 1997. Since I wrote it on this December page, I reference December in my opening line. Truly, this time was the Deep Dark December of my life up to then.
So, following is the entry:
September 9, 1997
We sit now in darkening December.
We generate our own warmth.
Our own light.
In their world, I am a Pariah..
In my world, I am a man with dignity and even an odd kind of serenity.
Life takes care of life.
The above entry is followed by the continuation of the 9/15/1997 entry begun two pages prior:
In my psyche, it all still plows along. It’s like their long cold grey world is part of my own, a reality.
It’s like, in a dream, when Mom came and knocked on my door and told me to get upland to see—to come with her out the front door of her Atwater home. She said, very concerned “The last girl is dead”. I thought, “What last girl? I sensed a young asian Cambodian girl, or, did she mean her sisters? I got up to follow her. I had no shorts or glasses on, but, as she reached the doorway part of the hall, she disappeared. I woke up. The dream seemed so real.
Just like the memory of that job from hell. After 10 solid years, it feels like it’s still here. It’s ugly, grotesque, humiliating demands, still here.
It’s OK to let them linger as long as they need to. Make a soft space for them, long time tenants.
Remember, however, they are not real…the job, like the dream, gone. Over. Done.
In the mean time, while you nurse these aching memories, mend sails.
Like Herman said “You’ve got time now….””Use it productively”.
My definition of productivity includes “healing time, healing activities. Continue soul study projects. The perfect time. This time is actually precious.
These words, wishes tied to earth by ink, will be a fascinating read! How did he pass through this incredible time?
End of entry
Note:
My Mother had six sisters. She was the youngest, born in 1930. My mother and all of her sisters have now, as of 2023, died.
I was raised in the house in Atwater from 1959 when we moved in when I was 4 to 1973 when I left to go to college at CSU Chico, Chico, California.
Herman was probably Richard Herman, a fellow criminal defense attorney in Modesto 1997.
