The pungent smell of magic filled the air. The Great Hall was full of people. I had never seen it so crowded and I had never perceived such a strange atmosphere. I let my gaze pass over the people present, my heart tightening in my throat. The final battle against Voldemort was over, I should have felt lighter, more euphoric, more relieved. And instead the only thing I could feel was a vague sense of nausea and a tiredness that made my mind slow and numb. If there was one thing I hated, it was this feeling. I breathed in deeply. Ron, sitting next to me, was talking and had his arm around my shoulders. I felt like I was caged. A cage with golden bars, but still a cage. And I felt the need for a person. A being whose spirit was a mirror image of mine. Draco. Just thinking about his name confused me. It was like a dagger that wounded my very being. I looked around, in a vain attempt to distract myself. I noticed Harry and Ginny. In love, they were enough for themselves.
I almost jumped, torn from my thoughts. I turned my head slightly, my hair sliding down my cheek, just enough to look at Ron's friendly face. He was my friend. It probably would have been something more if it hadn't been for him… Draco Malfoy. My torment, as only impossible loves can be.
-Are you not okay?- Ron continued, not hiding a hint of worry in his voice. I found myself thinking that Draco would do it. He would deny being worried and then check that I was okay. With him it was always like this, a denial, an exhausting fight to see who was stronger, better, simply better. And yet I couldn't live without him.
-I… yes, I'm okay- I lied. An inevitable lie.
Someone was laughing out loud. It was a celebration, yes, even if it had the faint, bitter taste of mourning. I noticed Neville recounting the events in words, more certain than he had ever been before.
-If you want to rest… - Ron tried, letting the words fall like that, in the air thick with joy, like stones thrown into water.
-I need the bathroom, - I murmured. I slipped from his light grip. I slipped away. I couldn't stay there, I couldn't fool him like that. It was wrong. Maybe it was inevitable, though.
-I'll be right back, - I said quickly. I certainly didn't want him to offer to accompany me or follow me. My legs carried me outside. Halfway there I realized that they knew where I had to go. To him. To Draco. To my mirror soul. It was as if they knew where he was. The cool night air caressed my face.
And there he was, sitting on the ground, the grass brushing his ankles, his gaze lost up, looking at those huge, cold stars. Indifferent to everything. I froze, petrified by him, by his mere presence. I watched him, the way a child might watch an exotic animal, because to me that was Draco. An exotic animal walking among people. His blond hair fell, unkempt, over his pale face. His elbows rested on his knees, his legs were close to his chest. There was something tormented about him. I swallowed the fear of rejection. With Draco it was always possible. He was unpredictable. I never knew how to act when I was near him. A snake. Yes, a snake that could bite you, for almost no reason.
-Are you going to stand there and watch me for much longer, Granger?-
I flinched. Of course, he had seen me. He always saw everything. I sighed, feigning a calm that I didn't have. With him I was never calm. The world exploded inside me. Black dots fell in front of me. I ignored them.
"Why are you here?" I asked. I wanted to sound confident, but my voice was shaking. Why was it so hard?
"Where else would I be, Granger?" and my name almost sounded like an insult between his lips.
"Celebrating, like the others."
"Celebrating? But what is there to celebrate?" His face burned, his fists clenched, his eyes narrowed. Anger. He felt anger. It was a common feeling for him… and for me too. We were connected by an invisible thread. Painfully invisible. Anger and a hint of despair.
"We won," I tried, but I couldn't pretend to be happy. Draco was right and that upset me.
"Is this winning?" He made a sweeping gesture, indicating the destruction that was blazing everywhere. I knew what he was referring to. The deaths, the pain, the misunderstandings. -I think we all lost-
I didn't speak. Draco's words were strong, restless, aggressive. They were words that reflected his personality.
-No, I don't think so… we lost- he whispered, darkly.
-Your mother will be looking for you- I murmured, to change the subject, to drag him away from a thought that could only hurt me.
-I know, but I needed to be alone… did you get together with Weasley?- and his voice was strange, high-pitched, painful and bloody with
me a wounded animal. He wasn't looking at me, his eyes turned to the stars, but I was sure that somehow he saw me anyway.
-What do you care?- the question, too abrupt, came out spontaneously.
Draco stiffened. The magic moment was over. The tension was creeping between us again. I was confused. Very confused.
I jumped, a wave of nausea suffocated me.
-Weasley- Draco said. A word full of hate, anger, desperation. -Run to him, your boyfriend is waiting for you-
I opened my mouth to deny, to say that Ron wasn't my boyfriend. But I would have lied.
-Go to him- Draco continued.
-Hermione- Ron again. Why wasn't he silent? Why didn't he leave me alone? My temples began to throb. I didn't move. My legs wouldn’t obey me. Maybe it was for the best. Ron would see us and understand. A sense of freedom shook me. Everything would be resolved this way. Cruelly simple. And then Draco stood up. I looked at him, my mind clouded with confusion. I opened my lips to say words that didn’t come out, frozen in the back of my throat. I watched him go. His back straight, his carriage elegant, his blond hair shining in the soft starlight. I didn’t move when he disappeared. I didn’t move until Ron found me like this, my mind blank, tears digging into my eyes, my heart simply broken.
