Dealing With Fae Entities, a Helpful Guide To Managing Elves, Faeries, Pictsies, and Other Annoyances
Hi, kids! This is Dr. Snow here, your friendly neighborhood Fae expert, as of this afternoon. After several very irritating encounters with the Fae, Dr. Clef and I agreed I should record some tips for dealing with them.
First thing first, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE, NO MATTER HOW FRIENDLY A FAE MAY SEEM AT FIRST ENCOUNTER, GIVE THEM YOUR TRUE GIVEN NAME. Names have power, give them yours and you are screwed.
Second, never enter any contract without reading it three or four times and running it through both Legal and Ethics first. Dr. Venser failed this crucial test, and had to give up her first born child. Don't be like Venser. Fae contracts are almost as hard as Hell contracts to break.
If cornered, bonk the bastard relentlessly with cold iron. Burns them worse than a bloody flamethrower, plus the added hilarity and embarrassment of being nearly clubbed to death by cookware. Skillets are the best option, but never underestimate the humble fireplace poker.
Do not, no matter how hungry you are, or how good the food or drink look, accept "free" gifts from the Fae. That's how you wind up in their debt. Plus, the Fae are worse cooks than Clef, which is saying a lot. THERE IS NOTHING FREE WITH THE "FAIR FOLK"! Bunch of scheming, cheating arseholes. Again, remember Dr. Venser!
Never believe a word they say. They lie more than Clef.
If a Fae raiding party approaches, throw candy at them then call in the MTFs. They're distracted by sweets, much like children. Plus, they are compelled to pick up every single piece of thrown sugar. Candies that shatter against hard surfaces, like jawbreakers, are ideal.
If captured, AGREE TO NOTHING, EVEN THE ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS. Agreeing with the Fae on anything is practically giving them consent to torture you.
Carry silver on your person at all times. To think, Dr. Harrigan laughed at me over my silver snowflake Scranton pendant. She's not laughing now, seeing as she's now the Fae King's newest plaything. Silver burns Fae like cold iron, plus it renders their unicorns too weak to do much.
Trust nothing in the presence of the Fae. They bend reality just by being here. Cold iron jacketed hollow point magazines will be distributed by Munitions. Treat them like your average Bixby, aim for their head once distracted.
To ward against the Fae, salt the entryways and windows. While this works on vampires due to the purity of salt, the elvish arseholes will be compelled to pick up every last grain of salt spilled. You may then headshot them to your heart's delight.
If attacked by six inch tall blue pitcsies with red hair and a tendency to fight, steal, or drink anything they come across, offer copious amounts of alcohol, and hide. The Nac Mac Feegle may be tiny compared to him, but those scunners managed to kill SCP 076-2 with minimal effort. One of them even climbed in his loincloth. Look, if even ABEL is afraid of these guys, don't try to take them on. Abel barely lasted ten minutes.
Refuse ANY item offered. We do not need another "Anomalous Ring Of Inconsistent Waterbreathing" incident. Poor Dr. Mariner needs a tank now, and that damned thing is fused to his finger.
Unicorns, while beautiful, are... not very nice. How not nice? They'll gore you as soon as look at you.
Do not look at the Queen of the Fae. Two reasons: one, she's incredibly vain and will pester you to no end on how beautiful she is, and then... she'll try to get you into bed with her. Bad decision. She's got a higher (dead) body count than a black widow spider, and like a preying mantis, bites her victims heads off. Two, the King is hella jealous and you may not even live to accept that invite to the Queen's bed. Bigger dick than the Scarlet King.
Glitter also distracts the Fae long enough to dome them easily. Especially if 035 coats his junk in it. Wasn't ever expecting Disco Dong Dyo to be helpful, but the bastards were so confused killing them was easy.
If all else fails to repell the elvish dickheads, threaten to summon Dr. Clef. Not even their King wants to hear his ukulele.
If, for some reason you are tired of life, you decide to really annoy the Queen, insult her appearance. Again, she's extremely vain. She'll be so busy trying to become your version of the "perfect" woman it's easy to distract and kill her. Use their weaknesses against them.
Those perfect, 7 foot tall walls of elvish muscle in the invading forces? That is not at all how they really look. The average Fae's no taller than 5 feet tall, max. And uglier than a Hollywood divorce. It's a glamour, pretty convincing one too. Distract them enough, and it crumbles.
Speaking of distractions, these dickheads are compelled to dance whenever they hear music. You can thank Dr. Myriad for this one, they had the entire army grooving along to the "Safety Dance". Yes, there is video footage. No, the Fae do not have rhythm. It was like watching the most awkward mass dry heave set to '80's pop.
Grimhounds, much like Wu-Tang Clan and the Ethics Committee, ain't nothing to fuck with. Think hellhounds on massive doses of steroids, pcp, with the most advanced and aggressive case of rabies, with teeth sharper than Abel's swords. They are fast, relentless, and the only sure way to get them off your arse is to blow them off the map with high explosives.
While it is possible to bribe the Fae... they're not trustworthy. Just don't bother.
Mousetraps work well against smaller entities. As do cats; Liam caught one last night. Was really funny to see my fluffy boy dragging this cursing little sod all around my kitchen like my cat was doing a victory lap. Theiving bastards won't raid my pantry again anytime soon, heh heh.
Clef discovered if you use enough rocks, you can weigh them down enough to drown them. It might have helped that the portal opened upon the Red Pool instead of the ocean as I intended. Oopsie. Mea Culpa if the Ethics Committee are reading this. I know, three months Keter Duty. Still worth it.
If you're thinking of poisoning the Fae... don't bother. It simply doesn't work. No one knows why. They can, however, succumb to the zombie prion disease, but then... you have to deal with feral, infectious, and above all quite undead Fae.
For once, those damned bloody Tesla Gates are useful. Fae and electricity do not react favorably, for the Fae. They explode. Bone shrapnel is an issue, but if you get far enough back it's minimal. Still, wear your goggles kids!
073 is immune to the Fae glamour. He confirmed the Fae being unattractive, and I think it was the first time I ever heard him drop the "mf" bomb. Dr. Gears dropped his Foundation issue mug so hard it shattered. You know you're hideous if CAIN, the nicest guy in the Foundation, calls you "one ugly motherfucker" to your face. Dr. Clef and Dr. Cimmerian nearly hyperventilated laughing in shock.
In need of a quick distraction, but trapped in your office? Simply scatter whatever is on top of your desk, book it out of your door, and flag down the fine friendly folks in the MTF. While the Fae reorganizes your desktop, the MTF can shoot them. Even if you don't believe Clef on this... we had one in his office last month, he scattered his massive pile of paperwork on the floor, by the time we got the clear to go back in, his desk had never been better organized. Aside from the blood splotch on his Shooter's Bible.
Fun fact: Fae are highly flammable. A raiding party caught the backblast from one of 682's Volcano Chili farts, there was nothing but ash in seconds after the flame hit them. Must ask if we can weaponize the big lizard's flatulence, that stuff burns hotter than even thermite! Pity R&D could never quite replicate it, even if it reeks worse than a zombie skunk in a manure pile.
By all means, allow 049 access to the Fae should they attempt another invasion. With his skills and knowledge, we'll soon know exactly how these bastards operate on a physical level. For once, Ethics Committee has authorized 049's request for live test subjects, provided they're Fae. No, Agent Dennis does not count, he's just short, not an evil magical arsehole.
One last thing: I cannot stress this enough. NEVER TELL THE FAE YOUR TRUE GIVEN NAME, AGREE TO ANYTHING THEY ASK, OR THINK OF TRUSTING THEM FOR A SECOND. I realize this sounds incredibly species-ist of me, however, it's truth. The Fae cannot be trusted, even less so than you'd first suspect. They will trick you, use you, then drop you harder than the atom bombs. Shoot them first, don't bother with asking questions.
Okay, I think that's everything. Oh, wait... never mentioned how to spot one before it spots you. Grimhounds are obvious. Hellhounds on steroids with rabies. The Nac Mac Feegle, once you meet them you're either broke or dead. The others? People who seem way too perfect, too good to be real, you meet in life? Those could be Fae. The hot chicks in the bar everyone is flocking around despite them being mean vapid idiots? Fae. The super smoking but arrogant dickhead every straight girl in 10 miles is lining up to be rejected by? Either Lucifer Morningstar post marriage or Fae. The guy in Soho offering unbelievable deals on top line stuff like PS5s or suchlike? Fae. And shimmering lights where no such lights could possibly be, Fae. They can be anywhere. Stay alert, stay aware, trust your instincts. Keep on, carry cold iron and silver, and Secure, Contain, Protect on.
Dr. "Rabbit" Snow and Dr. Alto Clef
