#down days

artist: emi_boz

Artwork by drogod

I know this is just a moment; I just wish I had a soul to listen.

He was a sk8er boi.

TW: body image and self harm-ish I've been getting bad again, everytime I look at myself I feel the need to put on jeans and a long sleeve shirt in this Texas heat. I don't want to see my body, I don't want to see my skin. The parts I can see I want to tear at then hide away. I haven't felt this low about my flesh prison in a long time and I'm not sure what's brought it on. I braved this outfit and I usually wear others similar to it as way to not go completely back and it's generally well received but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I wanna crawl out of my own skin #screamingintothevoid And if you know me irl leave this post alone, I'm just venting, okay? Okay.

sweat lodge life

The worst part of being replaced is the bit just before it happens. For weeks, you tell yourself that you're being paranoid, that you're making it up. You tell yourself that they're allowed to have other friends, of course they are. You tell yourself that the lack of conversation is because they're busy, they have a life. You talk down on yourself for even thinking those things, because in your mind, that person has done nothing wrong. After the denial, comes the realisation. You can see what's happening. You know. It's not just paranoia, not anymore anyway. You see them around, barely, but only with their new friend. When you talk, they gush about how great this new person is, and you can't help but feel like you're lungs are getting squeezed because your chest hurts, it's hard to breathe. You start to notice all these signs. You replay conversations from months ago, trying to see where you went wrong, because /surely/ it's your fault. It has to be, right? During this time, you'll try to hang out with them more. You can't just let this happen, you need them. They're your friend. You get clingy. You want to be around them all day, every day. You want to hate the person that took them from you, but you can't because from the looks of it, the new person makes them happy. That's when the accepting hits. It's not so much accepting as finally getting that there's nothing you can do. You understand. The person is just about to replace you completely, and after everything, all you can do is watch. You can't cry or show any signs of being sad, of being fucking lonely because then they'll come back and ask if you're okay. They'll want to know the reason, and if they did, they'd feel bad. So you fight back tears, bite your tongue, hide your face, do whatever it takes to get to the safety of your home or anywhere that you can finally break down. This moment, right here, this is the worst part. This feeling of helplessness, this feeling of loneliness, it consumes you. It tears at your insides and you can only sob, but your chest feels so tight and you just want to scream, anything to relieve the pressure. Knowing you weren't important enough to that person, knowing you're not worthwhile, it breaks you. It tears you down, leaves you weak and bleeding but there's no one to help you up anymore. That person is long gone. So you just sit there, crying your heart out because you just lost someone who was - still is - so damn important to you and there was nothing you could do about it. They're happy, that's what matters, right? You'll cry until there's nothing left of you to give. You're left empty, only a few memories of happy times left. Even then, completely broken, you can't help but feel that this is all your fault somehow.