#dlmg

No matter how long Lexa stands in the kitchen, staring at the clock, she swears the hands aren’t moving. They haven’t shifted, ticked, rocked, clicked, whatever…

“I think your clock is broken.”

Anya, her cousin and one of her temporary roommate, rolls her eyes. “Or it needs batteries.”

“No.” Lexa shakes her head slowly, her eyes never shifting off the clock. “It’s definitely broken.”

“Stop thinking about her.”

The statement comes down like a ton of bricks on Lexa’s chest. Finally, her eyes move off the still hands mocking her, dropping to the floor and closing tight.

“I’m serious, Lexa. Stop.”

“Don’t you think I would have if it was that easy?”

Anya moves to stand in front of her. She grabs Lexa by her shoulders and gives her a slight shake, wanting her to look up again. When she meets her eye, Anya speaks.

“You made a mistake. It happens. Now you can either suck it up and deal with it, talk to her, or you can move the fuck on. I’m with you not matter what you do but I need you to do something!”

“Tired of having me sleep in your spare room?”

“No,” Anya says. She pulls Lexa into a hug and sighs. “I’m tried of seeing you walk around like some kind of husk. I’m tired of you trying to smile when I know you feel like crying. And I’m really tired of this hardass routine you’ve had going on for the last five years.”

Lexa tries to back away but Anya’s arms only tighten. “Stop.”

“She has been there through it all with you. Through your parents dying, through your coming out and everyone in school giving you shit, through the entire mess that was Costia. She was there, picking up the pieces of you that you didn’t even realize you were losing.”

“She’s my best friend. That hasn’t changed.”

“Yeah. I know. But it’s easy for anyone to see your feelings for her have.”

Taking a deep breath, Lexa reaches for Anya’s arms and pulls them off her neck. She glares into her cousin’s eyes and snarls.

“Yeah. Sure.” Anya says with another eye roll. “Go feral. Pretend you don’t have feelings. Let Costia win another battle she isn’t even trying to fight. It’s getting old, Lexa. Really fucking old.”

“Does Raven want me out? Is that why we’re talking about this instead of buying you a new clock?”

Anya bristles at the mention of her girlfriend. “Raven couldn’t care less that you’re here. Except that if you’re here, you aren’t there. Don’t try to put this on her. This is me. And I’m telling you it’s enough.”

“If you don’t want me here, just say so.”

“I didn’t say that!” Anya shouts, throwing her hands into the air. “I want you to fix whatever you broke!”

That has Lexa standing taller, her chin rising just a bit. “I didn’t break anything!”

“It takes two to tango.”

“So it wasn’t just me.” Lexa snaps. She moves to grab her jacket and thrusts her arms into the sleeves. “We both made the decision to… for it to happen. And we both decided to keep on doing it.”

Anya nods and crosses her arms over her chest. “And who is the one who ran away at the first sign of feelings? Who is the one who lashed out and packed a bag and fled?”

“Fuck you, Anya.” Lexa hisses as she wrenches open the door.

Somehow, against her better judgment, Lexa found herself standing outside her apartment building. Inside, on the 13th floor, Clarke was probably getting ready to host this week’s game night.

A quick glance at her watch tells Lexa their friends will be arriving in less than an hour. That’s just enough time for her to go inside and get cleaned up. She’s sure walking around for the last couple of hours in the rain has her looking like a drowned raccoon.

Before she could think better of it, she heads toward the door, smiling at Bill the Doorman as he hurries to hold an umbrella over her head.

“Hello, Bill.”

“Miss Woods,” Bill dips his head and touches a finger to the brim of his hat. “It’s been a while since I last saw you. Did you go on a trip?”

Lexa shrugs. “I guess you could say that. Do you know if Clarke is home?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Bill nods. He reaches to open the door for Lexa to walk through. “She came through about twenty minutes ago with her arms full of groceries. That fella was with her too.”

That has Lexa pausing. She stands in the vestibule for a second, stalk still, before turning back to Bill. “Which fella? The tall one with the curly hair?”

“No. Though I don’t like that one much either. It was the other one, the pretty boy.” Bill replies with an eye roll. Then he clears his throat and stands a little straighter. “Apologies for my candor, Miss Woods.”

“No worries, Bill,” Lexa assures him with a smile. “I’m not a fan of either of them myself. Your secret is safe with me.”

She offers him a wink and smirk before heading toward the elevator. She unwraps her scarf from her neck and punches the buttons. She wants a hot shower and her own comfy clothes.

Less than a minute later, she’s approaching the door to the apartment she and Clarke have shared for the last five years. It had been Clarke’s originally but when Costia… well, when Lexa needed a place to stay, Clarke hadn’t hesitated to open her home to her. They’d been roommates ever since.

She opens the door quietly, chiding Clarke for once again not locking the door. New York City isn’t safe enough to not lock your door. Even if you live in a supposedly secure building.

Stepping inside, Lexa hands her scarf and jacket on the coatrack, slipping her shoes off at the same time. She pads her way toward her room, hoping to have her shower done and comfy clothes on before she sees Clarke.

Unfortunately, Clarke is standing in the living room with Finn Collins, her high school sweetheart. The same Finn Collins who has recently moved to New York and reinserted himself into Clarke’s life. And the same Finn Collins that started all the issues between Clarke and Lexa two weeks ago.

“C’mon, Clarke.” Finn says with a small smile on his face. His brown eyes were wide, like he was trying to look innocent. “You know we were good together. We always were. We only broke up because you moved here for school and I moved to California.”

“Finn,” Clarke sighs and shakes her head. “For the millionth time, I’m not interested. Not even slightly.”

“You’re not serious though.”

Clarke has her arms crossed but Lexa can see the tension in her shoulders, she knows Clarke’s fists are clenched.

“I am. And if you can’t respect that, you can leave.” Clarke snaps. “Lose my number too.”

Without another word, Finn turns to leave. His eyes meet Lexa’s and his grimace turns into a snarl.

“Of course you’d be here.” He snaps.

“Well,” Lexa says evenly, glancing around, “I do live here?”

Finn snorts as he shoulders his way passed her. “Could have fooled me. I haven’t seen you around much the last two weeks.”

“Just leave, Finn!” Clarke orders.

And just like that, Lexa finds herself alone with Clarke for the first time in nearly two weeks. They eye each other up, making sure the other is okay and trying to shield themselves from the other’s eye.

“You’re back?”

“I’m going to go shower.”

They speak at the same time.

“Oh,” Clarke says with a series of rapid nods. “Right. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I’ll be quick about it.” Lexa promises, hurrying toward her room to gather what she needs.

Clarke opens her mouth to speak before snapping it closed again. Then, just before Lexa’s door closes behind her, she says, “Just talk to me. Please?”

Freezing in her doorway, Lexa glances over her shoulder. “Don’t do this fifteen minutes before everyone is supposed to be here, Clarke. There isn’t enough time to sort it all out.”

“Lexa –”

“Later, Clarke. Please?”

The shower has always been Lexa’s refuge. When her parents would fight, she’d take a shower and drown out the noise of their shouts. When they died, she’d take a shower to hide her tears. When Costia started to drift away, she’d turn the water to near scalding and wait for her to leave their apartment.

It is her safe place.

So Lexa takes her time.

She knows their friends are due over any minute now. Still, she washes her hair methodically, conditioning thoroughly and rinsing for far longer than normal. She glides her washcloth over her body, scrubbing away the last of Anya’s coconut scented body wash.

By the time she steps out of the shower, it has been nearly a half hour. She reaches for the doorknob at the same time she scrubs at her hair with her towel.

Instead of an apartment packed with nearly a dozen friends and food and booze, Lexa finds Clarke lounging in her favorite armchair with a book in her lap. She can’t stop the small smile from bending her lips. She only bought that garish yellow chair to mess with Clarke, how was Lexa supposed to know she’d love the chair in the end?

After blinking herself out of her revelry, she glances around, trying to figure out where everyone is hiding.

“They aren’t here.” Clarke says softly, her eyes on her book.

“Oh.” Lexa says. She steps out of the bathroom and moves toward her room. “Are they late?”

Clarke shakes her head, turning a page. “They aren’t coming at all. I canceled game night. A few days ago actually. I’d have told you but you weren’t here.”

That has Lexa freezing. Clarke has never, not one single time in all the years they’ve known each other, canceled game night.

“Everything okay?” Lexa tries, hoping to avoid what she’s certain is coming.

Silence stretches and looms over them.

Honestly, Lexa isn’t sure she’s ever heard anything as loud as that silence.

“You’re hurting me, Lexa. Can’t you see that?”

“Clarke,” Lexa gasps, turning on her heel to face her best friend.

Shaking her head, Clarke closes her book and places it on the coffee table. She lifts her eyes, the blue intensified by the tears slowly filling them.

“Don’t cry.” Lexa shakes her head, moving toward her quickly. She freezes just a couple of feet from Clarke. “Please don’t cry.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

In a flash, the last six months race through Lexa’s mind. The first night she kissed Clarke when they got home from the club. She’d looked so breathtaking, Lexa couldn’t stop herself. She had to do what she’d resisted for years.

So she’d cupped Clarke’s face and leaned in slowly, wanting to give them both time to change their mind. But Clarke had leaned in to her too.

It was easily the most mind-blowing kiss of Lexa’s life. It left her weak-kneed and her heart racing wildly in her chest. And Clarke had kissed her back!

A week after that, they’d been watching something on Netflix when Clarke had cuddled up to Lexa’s side like she always did. One minute they were mocking someone on the television and the next Lexa found herself pinning Clarke to the cushions, her lips on Clarke’s neck, her teeth nipping and teasing.

Two weeks, and several make-out sessions, after that Lexa came home from dinner with Anya. She’d changed into her favorite sweatpants and hoodie, settling in for an evening of reading case law for work. Instead, she found herself in Clarke’s bedroom an hour later, making love with her best friend.

They never discussed it. They never established what it all meant. They just… existed on a new plane of intimacy. It was easy and comfortable and domestic.

Lexa loved it.

Then two weeks ago, Clarke had announced she was going to dinner with Finn Collins.

“It isn’t a date,” Clarke said, her eyes meeting Lexa’s.

“Wouldn’t matter if it was,” Lexa replied with a shrug. She bit her lip and tried to keep herself from saying the nest thing that came to mind. Her mouth didn’t listen. “It’s not like we’re together, Clarke. We’re just having fun.”

Clarke bit her lip, nodding slowly. “I’m not doing this with you right now.”

“Nothing to do.” Lexa shot back.

Clarke’s voice finally cut through the fog in Lexa’s head. She’s standing right in front of Lexa, her eyes begging her to say something, anything. “If you don’t open your mouth and start talking to me, really talking, whatever this is, whatever this could be is done. It’s over.”

“That isn’t fair!”

“But it’s fair for me to go out to dinner with a friend and coming home to a note?”

Lexa shakes her head. “I’m trying, Clarke.”

“You think showing up is trying?”

“I’m here!”

“After two weeks!”

Lexa clenches her jaw and shakes her head again. She can feel the burning behind her eyes. “I’m not good at this. You knew… Clarke, please. I didn’t expect any of this. I was overwhelmed.”

“And you think I’m not?”

“I told you not to fall in love with me,” Lexa says softly, her eyes lifting to meet Clarke’s. “I told you I’m damaged and not… I’m not worth this. I’m not good enough for you.”

Clarke snorts out a laugh, but the sound is empty of all joy. “Isn’t that up to me? Don’t I get to choose who I want to spend my time with?”

“Of course –”

“I can’t do this anymore, Lexa. I can’t do this dance of ‘will we, won’t we’ anymore. I’m telling you that I’m choosing you. I chose you a long time ago,” Clarke says, moving closer to Lexa, catching her hips in her hands when she tries to back away. “I’m telling you right now to choose this. Fight for us.”

“Clarke,” Lexa whimpers. She bites her lips and stares into blue, willing her to give her an easy way through the fear.