#dizzymisssally

in all that time alone, remus had acquired many skills. he was lucky enough to be raised muggle, to have muggle friends from his youth to go back to. he was lucky enough to know what a world looked like, that didn’t toss him aside or label him a monster, or lock him in a cage once a month. he was lucky to have a dad who worked in the ministry, who could get his hands on wolfsbane to control remus’s furry little problem, who had a rural cottage fenced in around the perimeter so remus could not inflict damage upon the world as greyback once tried to convince him to. during that time, remus had rekindled his love for music, had stoked his writing passion with odd jobs as an editor, and settled down into the quiet life of a librarian. that was, until albus dumbledore turned up on his front step. albus, who made remus feel like he owed him something, who had abused his power over sirius and forced his hand, who used remus’s condition to his political advantage, who was now using harry the same way he used sirius. remus had a complex relationship to the man, and to his greater good platitudes. he didn’t like dumbledore, but he understood the cause. what he didn’t understand was how he could let sirius rot in that cell without trial for twelve years, how he could let his lover come back this broken. he didn’t understand how he couldn’t help remus until he needed something, despite how thankful he was that it put him in the right place at the right time to reunite with something that had been taken from him. 

remus was lucky still, that he had outlets for all of his complex emotions. ways to make the wizarding world feel less like a prison cell. things like his guitar, something he learned to play when he was twenty two, in cardiff, and completely alone. so deeply lonely, were those nights when he stayed up trying to remember sirius’s favorite songs so some day when sirius woke him up and told him it was just a nightmare, he would be able to play life on mars? and watch sirius’s rosebud lips burst into the widest smile, because he knew it was one of his favorites and he had done something for him for once. the denial eventually ended, and then came the guilt. the guilt he felt for not telling james and lily to be more careful, the guilt for not suspecting sirius, the guilt for not protecting peter. all that guilt would culminate in remus playing crazy little thing called love because james put it on when the marauders all got drunk for the final time during seventh year and he and lily danced like no one was watching. he would play dream police and remember the excitement peter had when he returned from christmas holidays with a record for their player because “remus you didn’t tell me muggles were so cool.” and it would wash over him like high tide that everyone was gone and the only person who knew why was in prison without a trial and probably never really loved him in the first place if he would hurt him like this. 

but then the map changed everything. the map that showed him peter pettigrew was alive. a best friend he once mourned turned traitor who stole his best friends and his lover out of his arms, out of his life, and didn’t even bother with an explanation. but he still didn’t regret mourning, because he was not mourning the man peter became, he was mourning the friend he once was. and now, here he was, at thirty two, in the bright light of the early morning sun, watching the beams of light illuminate his once lost lover’s face. he was watching him wake up peacefully for the first time in a long time, and when his amber gaze was met with the cool silver of sirius’s early morning haze, he felt like his broken pieces were so much more mended than they had been in years. 

“alright, moonshine?” “just glad you’re home.” 

sirius’s eyes glanced around the room, and there, poking out of the closet, was something he didn’t know remus even had. there was the silhouette of a guitar, something sirius had so desperately wanted in his youth. sirius, who grew up playing piano and string bass, who never met an instrument he didn’t like, who wasn’t allowed a guitar because it bred rebellion. sirius knew the shape anywhere, but he didn’t know why his moony had one. 

“you play guitar?” “yeah. i uh– picked it up a long time ago.” i was trying to replace the melody of your voice between my ears. i was trying to relive the happy memories we had by recreating the soundtrack. 

“moony, you’ve been holding out on me. a whole year, and you didn’t think to mention it once?” he whined, sitting up in bed and stretching his long arms above him. remus was so glad that in the last year they’d had the opportunity to relearn each other. that sirius had allowed him to relearn the way his vertabrae stuck out from his spine, like a long line of knots that tethered his body together. sirius had allowed remus to reacquaint himself with the dips and peaks of his body, both the ones he recognized and the new ones. to understand what remained of him, and to learn not to miss the parts that had rotted away in that cell, but to find beauty in the things that bloomed in the decomposition.  

“teach me?” an arched, dark eyebrow rose, and remus thought the sight of it would drive him mad. this was a glimpse of sirius, in his whole and absolute form. not sirius, who just woke up from a nightmare, nor sirius who was struggling to differentiate between past and present. it was sirius, without the qualifiers of the trauma and the war marring his mind. this was sirius who was doing as well as he could be, and sirius who was healing and progressing in ways neither remus nor his mind healer thought possible.

“yeah, i’ll teach you, you bloody prat.” he feels his eyes glass over, and his head is suddenly heavy as his heart swells with pride. he leans into it anyways, tawny curls falling across sirius’s angular shoulder as remus rests his head. 

“what’s wrong, re?” his voice is laced with concern, reminiscent of all the times that he’s had to put remus back together again. those twelve years apart had aged them, and even now, recovering from the trauma and the turmoil they suffered, the two were still slowly putting themselves back together again. sirius was just as responsible for the masonry of remus’s sanity as remus was for his, each taking every good day like bricks and stacking them one on top of another to someday have rebuilt the structure of their lives. 

“nothing. just happy for us, padfoot.” 

the guilt feels like it’s going to swallow him. sirius doesn’t know why he’s put himself in this position, but he feels so SELFISH. it’s all he can think about, every time he sees remus, which is quite unfortunate since they share a dorm. he doesn’t know what else to do, other than avoid the other boy. it was stupid to think that this could work– that the night at the astronomy tower could be anything more. how could he think that he could have anything more than a friend in remus, when his mind was a chaotic mess and he had no way to sift through it. he didn’t know how to handle the gentle touches or the kind whispers into his hair, the way remus’s fingers against his skin felt like they set his soul ablaze. he couldn’t bear to bring remus into the endless torrent of sadness and guilt, worthlessness and weakness, that spiraled within him and threatened to swallow him up. it wasn’t fair to do that to someone. and remus, poor, sweet remus, already had so much on his plate. he was a lycanthrope– a fucking werewolf– he couldn’t be asked to carry sirius’s baggage on top of all he was carrying. it would burn him out, make him grow resentful. it was unfair to remus. perhaps that was why when james told him not to break remus’s heart, that he was being too flirty, and that remus might be gay– might fancy him– he freaked out. perhaps it was the sadness within him, that stole his oxygen and forced his hands to tug on his hair, that kept him from being able to turn around and say that he fancied remus, and that he had for the better part of two years. maybe that same sadness was why he kissed remus at the astronomy tower, desperate to find something to fill the gaping chasm his heart contained. 

but it was unfair. he couldn’t let remus fill the hole. he didn’t deserve to be the plaster over sirius’s wounds, and he definitely didn’t deserve to see that all of the smiles had been a ruse. it was hard enough having friends, keeping this secret from them. he didn’t know that he could handle adding another layer of secrecy to that without slipping up not when it was so obvious he was falling apart. the skin stretched over his bones had taken on a pallor, and his eyes seemed so sunken in his face. it was only a matter of time before remus confronted the knocking of his knees and dips between his ribs, and how was he supposed to explain that his mind ran so far from him that food tasted like ash because he didn’t deserve it and he couldn’t take care of himself because he couldn’t get out of bed without a fight. he couldn’t find the words to tell remus that his mother’s voice was louder in his head than his own, or that every time something good happened all he could think about was the punishment he would have received for it. how do you tell someone you care about, someone who cares about you that your chest aches like you’re having a heart attack or your lungs stop working at seemingly random times because the past crushes you like it’s the heaviest thing in the world even though you know other people have it so much worse? how do you justify being that weak? those were questions sirius knew he’d never be able to answer. perhaps that was why he’d resolved to end this. this relationship, along with all the other ones he was withdrawing from. it wasn’t just remus he was trying to avoid, but all the marauders. and these days, it was working. a few well placed fights and he was home free, protecting them all from the way he was imploding. he was keeping them safe. keeping them from disappointment. one day, he was sure they’d understand that. even if that day didn’t come soon, he was sure it would come eventually. and then it will have been worth it because he can’t bear to hurt the only people he’s ever cared about. not when reg was already so far gone, and the marauders were the only family he had left. 

perhaps that was why he told remus to meet him at the astronomy tower that night. maybe it was because he was minimizing casualties. maybe it was because he was afraid of someone seeing through him. regardless, he was seated on the edge of the parapet, feet dangling over the side. he was staring at the ground, wondering how high up he truly was. how devastating a fall would be, in this moment. how unfair to remus. sirius was starting to think his whole existence was unfair to remus. it never took long for the poison to set in, to choke up his relationships. not when it was so easy to see why he had been a disappointment to his family. it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t know how to shape up to be the black family heir. he had no chance to make things last with his friends. not when this darkness has always been within him, just begging to be let out. and then there’s remus. remus who lights up the dark with his smile, who’s voice reminds sirius how to breathe again and who’s touch convinces his blood to keep pumping through his body instead of freezing him up. but he can’t ask remus to be his savior. it’s too much. so when the other boy arrives, sirius has already convinced himself of what he must do. time is moving so quickly, and so impossibly slowly all at once, and sirius doesn’t notice but he winces when the werewolf’s arm is slung over his pointed shoulders. he sees remus’s face fall in slow motion, and his voice is muffled by the sound of his heart beating in hiss ears. he’s nervous and scared and he doesn’t WANT to do this, but it’s not about him for once. for once sirius needs to stop being selfish, and to do what’s best for remus. 

“what?” his voice sounds so far away, and it catches him off guard. had sirius always sounded like that? was he just noticing now? 

“what’s wrong, padfoot? you’ve been avoiding me all week.” he takes a deep breath. how do you say something like “i’m in love with you but i’m too fucked up for us to actually be together?” you don’t. it feels like someone poured a bucket of ice water over him when he realizes it. he had the intention of being sort of honest, but he realizes that’s not an option. not with remus, who cares and is selfless, who would try to help. so instead, he lies. he lies, like he always has. 

“we can’t keep seeing each other. i can’t keep doing this.” “can’t keep doing what?” the way remus’s voice breaks chokes him up, and the pressure of all of his sadness is resting right behind his eyes. god sirius wants to cry.“are you fucking serious?” “yeah, and you were fucking sirius. it’s over.”

he can practically see remus’s lack of understanding written across his face, and sirius desperately hopes that he’s not going to ask why because sirius doesn’t know that he’ll be able to answer the question without breaking. because the universe doesn’t ever give him peace, and because remus is so sweet and so caring, of course he has to ask. 

“did i do something wrong?” 

the question sends sirius over the fucking edge because it hurts to think that remus wouldn’t immediately understand that it’s not his fault. logically, sirius knows remus has no way of knowing that, but he doesn’t want to explain it. perhaps that was why his eyes had glassed over with tears, that were running down his face in quick succession. he doesn’t want to do this. he doesn’t think he can. he isn’t strong enough to be alone anymore. but he can’t put remus in a position where he has to see all of the broken parts, all of the damage that’s already been done. “padfoot, what’s going on? i know something is wrong but i can’t help if you don’t tell me what it is.” sirius let’s out a sob at that, and remus is pulling him into an embrace. “please, pads, just let me help.” 

“i can’t do that to you rem. i can’t.” “why not? i’m sure whatever’s going on, we can sort it out. just like over summer holiday. we can figure it all out.” “you don’t understand rem. i’ll break you if we keep doing this. i break everyone.” “sirius you don’t break anything?” he can hear the panic in remus’s voice, but he’s too far gone to stop now. the words are pouring out into the space between them before sirius even has a handle on what he wants to say. “ i hurt everyone. i’m too much too fast and all at once. i’m too full on with these catastrophic emotions and i can’t tell you i won’t hurt you because i will. i’ll hurt you with my selfishness and i’ll disappoint you and then there’s this sadness. this raw, awful sadness that you’re too good to see. i can’t put you through it remus! i’m done hurting everyone when i could just disappear from your lives and stop.” 

and then it’s out there and he can’t take it back, no matter how desperately he wants to. he’s clinging to remus’s shirt and shaking and he just wants to take all of what he said back, to keep it in so no on has to hear it. because for as much as it hurts to be him, in this moment, he knows that things are harder for remus and how dare he put it all on the other boy. he never asked for that. 

“sirius, love, i don’t think you get to make that choice for everyone. it’s not on you to decide what we are or aren’t too good for. me included.” remus sounds calm and collected, and sirius wasn’t expecting that. but what caught him off guard, even more, were the silent tears rolling down remus’s cheeks. why is he crying? had sirius really done that to him? why couldn’t he do anything right? was it so awful for sirius to be honest with someone? even if it was only to explain why he couldn’t be with remus, it still ached to know that he had hurt one of the only people he cared about. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean– i didn’t want to hurt you i just–” but then remus is cutting him off with a kiss and it’s chaste and gentle and so full of love that sirius’s chest hurts again. “pads, i think you should talk to someone. james, pete and i just wanna see you happy, and we’ve all known something is wrong for a while. i’m just worried about you, we all are.” “you don’t– i don’t want anyone to worry i just– i don’t–” “don’t say you want to disappear again, please.” remus is pleading with him, but sirius doesn’t understand. he doesn’t understand why remus sounds so desperate. “pads, i love you. i’ve been in love with you for a year. fuck’s sake, you’d think you’d have figured that out.” “fuck, i–” that was precisely what sirius was afraid of. what he wanted to avoid. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean for that to happen.” “sirius don’t you get it. you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me, you bloody nonce!” that get’s a laugh out of him, albiet a wet, sad sounding laugh. and then they’re kissing again, and sirius is just trying to find some way to convince remus that this is not a good idea. but he’s reaching in his pockets and coming up with lint because he’s selfish and he longs to be cared for so badly, despite it all. but when he pulls away, he’s pulling himself out of remus’s arms. “I can’t do this to you. i’m sorry because i love you too but i fucking can’t put you through this.” 

and with that, he’s running off, away from the astronomy tower and to find somewhere to be alone. because he can’t let remus get sucked into the chaos that is his mind. he simply can’t put remus through the emotional turmoil it would cause. it wouldn’t be fair and he knows it. so he has to be alone, despite the way he wantswantswants remus. it’s too much. too unfair. too broken. 

You don’t deserve someone like me wolfstar, also from this prompt. 

1k words

remus is so unsure of himself. his heart hammers away in his chest as he returns from the shrieking shack. he doesn’t know what happened the night before, all he knows is that when he came to, only james was in the shack. he and madam pomfrey were walking the path back, well pomfrey was walking, holding remus up and preventing him from stumbling as he limply made his way back. he knows something is wrongwrongwrong because sirius wasn’t there, and sirius was always there. sirius didn’t miss the moons. he vaguely remembers sirius being there before he turned, but all of his memories were running together muddied as the bottom of a stream. it’s only when they arrive in the hospital wing, and remus catches a glance of inky black hair on a bed far from him that he puts together what must have happened. he must have hurt sirius. fuck was he okay? was he going to be okay? what had they told pomfrey to explain what happened? what happened? he had so many questions running through his mind, and no one to answer them. pomfrey handles remus’s own wounds, before walking over to sirius to change the bandages across his chest. it’s then that remus can see the damage he has done. the jagged tears across sirius’s chest make his stomach sink. he feels like he’s had the wind knocked out of him, and his eyes prickle with tears. how could he do this to someone he cares so deeply about? but as time passes, his eyes stubbornly refused to stay open, and he fell into a restless sleep. 

when he woke up, a bandaged sirius was beside his bed, their fingers slotted together, and remus found such a comfort in the skin-to-skin contact. that was, until he remembered what happened. how they had arrived here. “pads, what did i do to you?” 

“it’s my f–” sirius starts, but remus is shaking his head before he can even finish the sentence. because how can it be sirius’s fault when the wolf is bigger, stronger, faster, and so much better equipped to hurt him. how could sirius even want to be around him right now. he was a monster. fuck, he is a monster. and he always will be. there’s no cure for the shit that’s wrong with him, cursed to crave the hunt, cursed to hurt anyone that’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, with no regard for his best mate, for his boyfriend. his bruised arms wrap around his midsection in a self-soothing position, as he whispers something he never wanted to admit to. “you need to stay away from me.” 

“moonpie,” remus winces at the nickname, “i promise, it’s my fault.” “sirius i fucking HURT you. you need to stay far fucking away from me.” “but i don’t want to– i care about you, moony.” “you don’t deserve someone like me. i’m a monster.” “you’re not a monster, remus. you’re a person.”“a person who turns into a bloodthirsty beast once a month, who can’t be stopped from hurting the people i love. you can’t– we can’t do this. you can’t stay with me.” his breath is labored and he feels like he’s panting with the force of his words. it hurts to say it out loud, but remus’s worst fears have been realized. the very thing he and his parents had tried so hard to prevent for his whole twelve years from the bite had happened. someone he loved had been injured by the wolf. this was something he wasn't sure he’d come back from. not when it was so deeply ingrained in him that he was a dangerous monster. not when his boyfriend had already been hurt so many times at the hands of people he cared about. if he couldn’t control the beast, how was he any better than the family sirius had run from? if he couldn’t keep the wolf from hurting sirius, how could sirius ever trust him again? would he even know to leave? would he be able to? remus wasn’t going to wait to find out. not when sirius was loyal to a fault and self-sacrificial, and remus knew there was no way sirius would prioritize his own well being over remus’s.

“i don’t think it’s your choice whether i stay in this relationship or not, moony.” “i might hurt you again, sirius!” “let me worry about whether or not i’m getting hurt, remus. please.” 

his brow furrows even deeper, as his fingernails press into his palms tightly. he’s trying so hard to keep it together right now. “i can’t because you’re a self-sacrificial prat who won’t keep yourself safe! if you would worry about getting hurt i’d leave it to you! but you don’t! you never think about the consequences! and i can’t bear hurting you! it’s fucking over, black. just fucking go.” 

his pale arms were outstretched, reaching far beyond his toes, hands wrapping around his feet and pulling himself impossibly closer to the floor. sirius liked stretching. he liked pulling his muscles taught and feeling them loosen into leaner lines. it was a good way to end the day, because when he spent the day beating his body into submission, taking care to make the job just that much easier made all the difference for the routine tomorrow. routine was sirius’s bread and butter. he loved the way habits formed in seven days, loved the way it was so simple to predict where he would be, and what he would be doing. he loved it so much that he was here, inside of remus’s apartment, waiting for him to come home from the studio in order to make sure his dance routine and his routine with seeing his not-boyfriend could intertwine. he sat, for an hour, stretching on the floor of remus’s small sitting room, his phone blasting wasteland, baby! by hozier. sirius felt like he might be waiting in vain when it hit three am and remus hadn’t returned from the recording studio. he wondered where he was, if everything was okay, and why he hadn’t received a text back. but all of that aside, he knew remus wasn’t required to tell him where he was, even if remus had given him a key to the flat. he unlocked his phone, scrolling through the texts between them, the text where he told remus he’d come over after the show, the one where remus said don’t wait up, the one that inquired about when remus would be home, that went completely unanswered. he wanted to say hey! i’d like to see you. come back soon. but there was absolutely no part of sirius that as ready to admit that he missed having the blonde at his side. 

he sucked in a deep breath, trying to steel himself against the whirlwind that was beginning to brew in his mind. why had he thought this was a good idea? why did he think he was welcome in this space, when remus was gone? sure, this wasn’t the first time he had gone to remus’s instead of going home. but that didn’t keep his insecurities at bay. in the months since they started seeing each other, the two had spent a lot of long nights together, and james claimed sirius slept at remus’s more than he slept at home. but that did nothing to quiet sirius’s chattering mind. he changed out of his soft trackies and tight fitting tank top in favor of remus’s sweater and boxers, and climbed into the other man’s bed. it was far too late to go home, and still far too early to start his morning routine. so instead, he laid in the other man’s bed, and wished he would return to the flat. he had the intention of inviting remus to the end of show gala for firebird, but he couldn’t bring himself to bother the man again. not when he knew how busy remus was with his music, his passion. 

it’s three-thirty when the door opens. remus is exhausted down to the bone, and he’s so disgustingly hopeful that sirius is still here. he knows that, even though when sirius had first shown up at his door, in the pouring rain, that they had said something like love, sirius still ran away from his affection. he still put up a front of needing isolation, despite his behavior, like some touch starved, broken down thing. he said he needed to be far from remus, but he showed up with glassy eyes and a need to be held and touched with the utmost delicacy. sirius was insane if he thought that remus had gone back on those feelings of love and appreciation. he was insane if he thought that remus didn’t fall just a bit more in love with every time sirius curled up in his arms, or every time he fell apart, lithe and pliable in remus’ss hands. 

that overwhelming feeling of adoration only grew when he walked into his bedroom, and in the dim light from the sitting room, sirius’s sleeping form was illuminated in his bed, wearing his clothes. he tries to be quiet as he strips down into his pajamas, but the dip in the bed is enough to wake the other man. his grey eyes were bleary with exhaustion, and his voice sounds raspy in its groggy state. “how was the studio, angel?” there’s that term of endearment that sirius only uses when he’s exhausted, and remus thought that he might melt on the spot. “it was good. go back to bed, love.” he replies, standing once more to turn off the lights in the flat. but sirius clearly had other plans, because he reached out for remus’s scarred arm. his hand traces the raised, pink skin. “i um–” sirius started, his rosepetal lip crushed between his whitewhitewhite teeth. it was enough to drive him crazy on any normal day, but tonight, with all the frustration of writing and recording music about his not-boyfriend it’s enough for remus to reach forward. calloused fingers cup sirius’s jaw gently, and the pads of his thumb swipe over sirius’s plump lower lip. “keep biting your lip like that an’ i’ll keep you up until your hike tomorrow morning.” he stated, his voice filled with the way he wantwantwants this man that’s situated between his sheets, in his clothes, and positively to die for with how sweet and beautiful he looked. 

“i don’t know how to say this without it coming out wrong.” sirius sighed, but just like a million other things that sirius said, his actions seemingly did not match up to his words. he made it sound like he was trying to say something in the way of we’re not dating and you should stop acting like we are, as he had said a multitude of times. but he leaned in to the touch, his breath hitching as if he needed it more than he needed air. “just say what you’re thinking, an’ we’ll go from there, yeah?” he replied, the same way he always did to that statement. remus had learned long ago that sirius liked ritual, predictability, and habit. if those were things that made sirius feel secure, than there was no reason, in his mind, not to give them to him. 

“will you go with me to the company gala?” well that was not what remus had expected. he felt like he looked as gobsmacked as he was, his jaw might hit the floor if he wasn’t careful. 

“not as my date or anything...” “i’m not sure that’s how this works.” he grinned, as if it was obvious he would say yes. “you’d have to wear a suit, which i could take you to get and stuff because nothing in your closet is up to the type of people that will be there. an’ you might have to see a bunch of high society assholes, so like –you can say no if you want to it’s really not a big deal, james will be there so it’s not like i’d be alone or anything.” 

“pads, love, you’re rambling.”“oh–i– sorry.” “no need. i’d love to go with you.” the look of relief that crossed sirius’s face was something remus couldn’t describe, but it made his heart ache. he looked so deeply uncomfortable at the idea of the gala, and like remus’s presence would bring him some much needed ease at the event. 

“pads, hey, is someone going to be there that you’re worried about?” “i just– you never know with these things.” he mumbles, arms curled around himself in that same self soothing posture remus has come to know. he always holds himself across his midsection, as if trying to give himself a hug. remus takes it as a sign and pulls the other man into his arms, whispering sweet proclamations of support in his ear.

“That’s distracting.” #55 asked from this prompt

900 words

remus knew sirius wanted his attention. but that didn’t mean he was going to stop working on his song. he had brought sirius here in response to the fact that sirius had welcomed him into his world of outstretched legs and mirrored wall at the studios he reserved. and sure, remus had distracted him at the studio, the image of sirius pressed against the wall, and the mirror reflecting his face as he came undone in remus’s arms was burned on the back of his eyelids.  but that doesn’t mean remus is willing to do that right now. the thought of his fingers dancing across the neck of his guitar, fingers expertly moving from fret to fret, was too much. he had too many idea,s and no time to play them, let alone to be distracted by the way sirius’s hips moved to the music in the most hypnotic way. remus definitely was not staring at the way sirius’s hips swayed with every chord, or the way a grin was plastered across the other man’s sharp features. he definitely was not jealous of the way sirius’s hands ghosted over his own hips, or his hair brushed against his collar bones. that would be ridiculous. 

remus refused to have his focus broken by the man before him. he would not have sirius, with his ink-black hair, his long lines of muscle, and his carefree attitude, distract him from his music. music was supposed to be his first love, the one thing that came before everything else. so right now, he was not running his tongue across his lower lip as sirius swayed and turned about the room.

“That’s distracting.” he finally choked out, and sirius’s grin went from casual affection to shit-eating in a split second. clearly, he had achieved his goal of pulling remus’s focus from his music towards sirius. and honestly, for as much as remus wanted to pout and moan that he was being distracted, he couldn’t. not when sirius looked at him like he was care-free for once, like this was a moment no one could ruin. 

“so indulge, remus. sometimes, it’s okay to be unproductive.” sirius replied, his body still swaying to the drum beat remus had previously recorded. sirius looked hungry, and remus would be more than thrilled to satisfy. but right now, he needed to focus. he couldn’t think about the way sirius’s lips looked pillow soft, but they were a bright red from the way he bit them. he couldn’t keep thinking about the way his tight shirt left little of his lean body to the imagination, or how absolutely fantastic he looked in remus’s cardigans. instead he needed to focus on his song about the sad eyes that piqued his interest at the bar, and the way they loved pasionately but spoke distantly. he needed to focus on the music that came out of that. 

“remus, i love your music. you know i do. but i think you’re missing a lot of untapped potential with the way that mouth sounds.” 

“you’re filthy, black.” “you love me, lupin.” 

sirius pressed closer to remus, his elegant, thin fingers ghosting over the scar that ran along remus’s neck and under his jawline. those same, skilled fingers than lifted his chin gently, and sirius pressed forward to connect their lips with all of the passion remus was failing to encapsulate in his music. it felt like fireworks exploding in his chest, because sirius was both a physical and emotional tease. but when the two connected, they connected with a fiery passion that was few and far between. despite all the words between them, all the things they didn’t say, the things they didn’t do, when sirius and remus kissed it felt like magic. at least, remus thought so. he couldn’t speak for sirius, but the fact that sirius kept kissing him felt promising. so remus put down his guitar and opted to put his arms around sirius instead, pulling their bodies flush as their mouths moved in synch. the way they touched each other was filthy and feverish as if they were hoping that the other person didn’t disintegrate when they let go. it felt unsure, rushed, clunky, and yet perfect all at the same time, and remus couldn’t get enough of sirius’s intoxicating mouth. the way they fit together was enough to drive him wild. but then he’s pulled away, because, for as much as he wants this, there were some other things that he wanted more. he wanted sirius to know how he felt, he wanted sirius to feel as adored as he was. so instead of giving in, he whispered in his ear a brief “later.” 

“but moony” sirius whined, and remus was a liar if he said that wouldn’t break him any other time. but not right now. this was too important. 

“let me play a song for you, okay?” 

remus picked his guitar up once more, his fingers expertly moving across the instrument, and the sweet sound of his voice permeating the small space. he’s pouring his heart out, all of his love and appreciation, how thankful he is for that first night at the pub, how deeply he wants to protect sirius from his demons. all of it is suddenly, melodically in the space between them. and sirius has never felt more appreciated than he did in that moment. 

“Wait a second.. are you jealous?” #57 asked from this prompt

1.2k words

sirius black didn’t play second fiddle to anyone. he was the oldest child, the principle at a prestigious ballet company, and by far the most dramatic and over the top of their friend group. sirius black did not take the back seat. perhaps that was why he looked so perturbed, sitting beside remus, who was having a conversation with their waitress entirely in a language he didn’t understand. he didn’t like that she and remus clearly had a past, that remus had whispered ex-girlfriend in hi ear before launching himself into the conversation. he didn’t like the way remus looked so endeared by what she was saying, or the way they would laugh occasionally. sure, it wasn’t like they were dating. sirius had made it abundantly clear that they weren’t, despite the fact that he had gone with remus to cardiff, and met lyall lupin just a few hours ago. he didn’t stop remus from introducing him as his boyfriend the way he usually would, because he was not going to do that to remus in front of his dad. maybe this glimpse of all the things they could be, all the dates and the pride lyall beamed with at dinner, and the way remus came to him for comfort after he and lyall spent some time visiting the final resting place of hope lupin, maybe all of that was too comfortable. maybe sirius was getting too invested, because despite the distance he tried to keep, the boundaries he tried to set, he found his blood boiling over how little remus seemed to care that he was sitting there. he wanted to interject, but every time he opens his mouth, the words die in his throat. he doesn’t understand what they’re saying in the first place, so how could he jump into the conversation. when there was finally a lull between this woman they had run in to, sirius can’t help himself. he seized the opportunity, full force. 

“i’m sirius black. remus’s welsh deficient boyfriend.”“oh, i didn’t know remus had a boyfriend.” she replied with a sweet smile toward remus. it made sirius crazy really. he didn’t like whatever it was that went on between them. “yeah, well, between his music career and my busy schedule being a principle dancer, we don’t have tons of time for dates like this.” he still sounded aggravated, because why couldn’t she just go away? he just wanted to spend time with remus. getting to know where remus came from. 

remus gives him a pointed look in response to his irritated tone, but it softened at the word boyfriend. well now he’d gone and done it, giving remus all the wrong ideas because he wanted to be included. the woman mutters some kind of apology for intruding on their date, before scurrying away with their drink orders. 

“the fuck was that, sirius?” but his usual bite is gone. remus kept looking at him like a lovesick puppy, and if the idea of holding remus down with some kind of commitment didn’t make sirius sick to his stomach, he would find it adorable. he found it adorable anyways, fuck the boundaries he was trying to set for himself. sirius tried to be cool and casual. he really did. 

“i was just trying to introduce myself. i don’t speak welsh, and i felt like a weirdo just sitting here not saying anything.” it wasn’t entirely a lie. but he definitely didn’t say that they were dating because he felt awkward, and remus knew it. he felt like the jealousy was locked away within him, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. it was written all over his angular features. 

“wait a second, are you jealous? is that what the whole boyfriend thing was about?”“no! i’m not jealous! i’m sirius black what does this girl have that i have to be jealous of?”“you’re jealous of a girl i dated in high school!” “am not!” sirius felt the way his cheeks flushed, and he didn’t need a mirror to know how ridiculous he looked. his voice was an octave higher, as if to punctuate the way he lied through his teeth. 

“sirius black, jealous of a girl that a basic indie singer dated in fucking high school. that’s so endearing.” “don’t make me regret coming with you this weekend.” “i just think it’s adorable, love. no need to get all indignant.” “chuffed, that you think it’s adorable. i think you’re humiliating me.” “as if the reputation of the esteemed black heir might get hurt in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in tiny town in wales.” sirius pretended not to wince at the mention of the black heir title, the same way remus pretended not to notice. instead he presses his body closer to remus’s as the waitress walks back towards the table with their drinks. remus’s arm wrapped around his waist in a minute, and he tried not to think about just what it meant to him that they hadn’t talked about the title of boyfriend. 

“how’s pete, mary?” remus asked, and sirius’s ears pricked up once more. remus was clearly trying to prove a point, otherwise he would’ve spoken in welsh. sirius was sure of it.

“he proposed last month! that man is an idiot, but he’s an idiot i’m going to marry.” “really? i was always convinced you guys would get married right out of school. thought you’d already tied the knot and he was just lying about it when you went on that trip out to cardiff.” “believe me, i also thought we were going to get married on that trip to cardiff. gwell hwyr na hwyrach.”  

another group of people walked into the restaurant, and mary scurried off again to get their table settled. sirius’s cheeks burned with embarrassment

“feel better, love?”“much.” he breathed, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. sirius black did not like playing second fiddle, and now he was sure remus knew it. 

“so about this whole boyfriends thing?” “i hate you.”“is that any way to talk to your boyfriend?” remus said it in jest, but sirius would have to be blind not to see the glimmer of hope in the other man’s eyes. remus, with all of his lovesick smiles and the way he stressed over how he was dressed in front of sirius, had stolen the dancer’s heart a long time ago. but that didn’t mean he was willing to admit to it, to undermine all the work he had done trying to prevent this very thing from happening. so instead, sirius just shook his head in resignation. “we can talk about it later, love.” 

he feels giddy on his way up to the astronomy tower. sirius had been avoiding him all week, and remus was starting to think that he had messed things up somehow. but his insecurities had been quelled, for the most part, upon this invitation to the tower. he and sirius were finally doing something about the stupid endless pining they’d both been doing for over a year. it was so nice to finally get what he wanted, and remus could not have been more excited about it. not when sirius, all long lines and ink-black hair, sharp bones, and scathing tongue had been so soft and pliant in his arms, lovesick grins and gentle touches. the thought of it made remus wantwantwant and it was amazing. over the past few weeks, even before this had started, he knew something was wrong with sirius. he’d been fighting with pete and james at every turn, which was deeply troubling to the marauder. he knew that fights between sirius and james were uncommon and usually lasted half a day at most. but these days, he’s been fighting with james for a lot longer and their fights were. a lot more intense. remus would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried, but he also simply had no real way to help. not if sirius wouldn’t talk to him. and there was nothing else to do. not really. not when sirius wouldn’t tell him what was going on, and no one else seemed to know. james had said that something was wrong and that he wasn’t going to be the one to fix it this time, and if remus knew james, he knew it would take a lot to push him to that point. so it was up to remus, and he was okay with that. glad he could do something for his group of friends that wasn’t homework or listing off muggle pranks that he knew about for them to adapt to the magical world. 

when he finally gets to the astronomy tower, he sees sirius gazing down over the edge, armss wrapped around his midsection in a self soothing position. remus wanted to pull him into an embrace, and tell him whatever was going on, he was here to help. he wasn’t used to seeing his best mate look that forlorn. especially not when they were spending time together. as he approached, it struck remus just how small the other boy was. his arms were rail thin, long pale lines extending from a soft muggle t-shirt and tucked beneath a leather jacket. remus wondered if sirius knew how effortlessly cool and beautiful he could look all at once. he wanted to tell him, but something about sirius’s posture made him hold his tongue. perhaps it was because he recognized the emotionally tapped look on sirius’s face like everything was becoming too much. it was a look remus often wore before the full moon. maybe now was the time to figure out what was going on with sirius. given the animagus’s body language, remus could only assume sirius had asked him here to help him through whatever was going on. 

“hey love, what’s up? you look like someone just shot your puppy or something?” humour to cope or because he’s uncomfortably bad at this sort of thing? the world may never know. but sirius sounds like he’s a million miles away when he asks remus to repeat himself, and whatever low-level thing remus thought was going on is quickly thrown out the window. something is very very wrong with sirius black. something that remus suddenly feels like he won’t actually be able to solve. he’ll do his best, he’s sure of it, but this version of sirius is one that he’s only ever seen once when sirius showed up at james’s in the middle of holidays. when sirius tells him that this fling they’ve had is over, remus feels his already scarred heart shatter into a million fragments. it splinters off in a way that’s new to him, and the pieces of what he feels for sirius threaten to choke him. the way he felt about sirius had bloomed in his chest, love and appreciation for all of the quiet moments and the way he and sirius had grown together. but right now it felt like the garden of his emotions had been uprooted, and god it had been so delicate, to begin with. nononono this couldn’t be happening. what have i done wrong? he can’t help but think it. not when sirius is practically spitting that he doesn’t want to be with him anymore. but then he sees the way sirius reels at the question and even though he knows somewhere in his head that this is probably his fault, he also knows that sirius will say things he doesn’t mean if it will protect someone. and remus recognizes that sirius is trying to protect him, the same way remus tried to protect him from the wolf. but just like sirius refusing to be protected from the wolf, remus is refusing to be protected from whatever is going on inside the other boy’s head. whatever it is, if it means he can salvage this love he has for sirius, he’s willing to do it. so he points out that something is wrong again, that he cares, and it’s then that the truth comes out. 

“i’ll hurt you with my selfishness and i’ll disappoint you and then there’s this sadness. this raw, awful sadness that you’re too good to see.i can’t put you through it remus! i’m done hurting everyone when i could just disappear from your lives and stop.”

oh. that is enough to give remus pause and trigger his eyes to gather with tears. because he can see it, as clear as day, that this boy that he cares about so immensely is hurting so badly, and he’s done nothing to lighten the load. he never wanted to make sirius feel like a burden, like he was going to get hurt. all of the things that he’s never said but he should have, all of the times he wanteed to explain how much he cares but he never did start running through his head and he’s doing his best to just keep it together. but how do you keep it together when everything falls apart around you? remus is too afraid to ask the question out loud, but that doesn’t stop it from ringing in his ears. but his heart hurts at the way sirius is talking about himself, and all remus wants to do is make it better. he wants to find some way to help, but there just isn’t one that he can see, and that makes it worse. why can’t he solve this problem? was he really that shit at interpersonal connection, that he couldn’t find a way to make sirius feel more at ease, more worthwhile than this? but then they’re kissing and touching and remus feels like he’s on fire in the best way because sirius is close to him and he can smell the way sirius smells like tobacco and fresh dew and sandalwood, and all he wants is to bury himself in it. so he’s letting go of the fact that he’s been in love with the other boy for a year, and how sirius is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. but remus guesses he’s misread the room again, despite pouring out his soul to the other boy, because then sirius is saying i love you too but running away and remus is so lost in the whirlwind of what’s going on. if sirius loves him, then why did he leave, and leave a dog-shaped hole in remus’s heart on the way out. why did he pull on the emotions that rooted themselves so deeply in remus’s chest that topsoil is turned over and he can feel that something’s missing? was remus really so incapable of helping that it wasn’t worth the effort? 

the werewolf feels so lost and so confused, his fingers ghosting over the scars on his face, and his fingers press deeply into his palms, leaving crescent-shaped cuts in their wake as he tries to understand what just happened. he doesn’t realize he’s crying until a tear slides off of his face and on to the jeans he’s staring a hole in, and everything hurts in a way it hasn’t in a long time. it hurts as bad as it did when sirius told snape about his furry little problem. but this is somehow so much worse, because this time it’s not about sirius telling someone remus’s secret, and almost making a killer out of him. this hurts so deeply because something is so wrong with sirius, but he doesn’t trust remus with it. this betrayal is so much more painful because he and sirius have never kept secrets from one another before. not like this. and remus can’t tell if it’s because sirius can’t talk about it, or because remus can’t be trusted. that is the uncertainty that is wearing on him. he spends a lot of time at the astronomy tower, mulling it over as the tears slide down his face, and wondering how, merlin, how the fuck does he help this boy he’s come to love. rejection aside, remus just wants to help. because he can’t stand the idea of sirius thinking about himself the way he has been. 

when he finally returns to the dorm, it’s well after curfew. james and pete are in the gryffindor common room, and remus greets them warmly. but he can’t put effort towards anything when sirius wears on his mind like this. he knows he can’t bring it up to them, because james and sirius are still fighting, but he so desperately wants to. so instead, he makes his way up to the dormitory, fully intent upon writing a list of things he can do to help as a way to brainstorm. maybe, he’s just trying to do for sirius what sirius had done for him by becoming an animagus. what he doesn’t expect is to see sirius, wrapped up in a jumper remus gave him, crying in his bed without even a silencing charm. but he can’t do anything about it. he desperately wants to, but he can’t go against sirius’s wishes like that. especially when he hasn’t figured out what he had done wrong to avoid this scenario. so instead, he makes his way over to his bed, and tries desperately to fall asleep. when he’s restless, he does not go over to sirius’s bed to expend some energy, no matter how much it’s tearing him up inside that he can’t. 

the week passes, remus and sirius avoiding each other. remus wishes he’d see sirius in the great hall, or at least in class, but sirius has disappeared from the marauders’s day to day. he doesn’t go to quidditch practice, he doesn’t appear for lessons, he doesn’t come to meals, and he doesn’t spend time in the common room. the only time that anyone in the group sees him, he’s curled up in bed sleeping, or crying but pretending to be sleeping. it hurts, when they do see each other, because remus misses him so desperately. his chest aches and his throat runs dry, and remus is sure he’s spent more time with his fingernails embedded in his palms than doing anything else this week. it hurts that sirius doesn’t want him there, when all he wants is to be beside the other boy, promising that things will get better tomorrow. but he can’t, because sirius doesn’t want him to. by the time the end of the week has come around, remus can not take anymore. he doesn’t want this, so he resolves to talk to sirius. when he returns from lessons, pete and james remain in the common room, but remus disappears into the dormitory on the hunt for sirius. what he finds is the love of his life looking impossibly small in the four-poster bed, curled up in a ball and crying into his arms. 

 “can i– can i come in, pads?” 

“i– uh- yeah, i guess... did you just get back?” he scoots over, to give remus the space to sit in his bed. and then remus is besidee sirius and he’s close enough to smell again, and the scent drives remus crazy in the best way. “yeah, i was thinking about what you said.”  “you come to any brilliant conclusions about how you should have a self-preservation instinct for once and trust me on this?”  “you know i trust your decision making and self-preservation instinct about as far as i can throw them.”  “h-harsh.” sirius grins, and merlin, remus wishes that the two of them could have this kind of banter all the time– that sirius wasn’t trying to keep remus from caring.  “i’ve decided i’d like to respectfully decline your offer.” remus smiles, hoping that maybe if he breached the subject kindly, and with an air of understanding, sirius would hear him out, and be willing to continue with the budding relationship they had.  “didn’t realize that was an option. go on?”  “well if you’re saying that we can’t do this because you want to take care of me i respectfully decline you doing that, and instead suggest you let me take care of myself, and let me be here for you while you’re going through this.”  “i-i dunno remus i– i know it hurts to watch people you care about hurting.” sirius mumbles. “i can’t expect you to fix this for me, an’ i don’t want to h-hurt you remus.” his voice catches on a few letters, wavering with the tears he’d just spilled.  “to be fair, i’d be watching it anyways. i live here, you know.” remus mumbles, slinging an arm around sirius. “but if you let me, i can hold you when you need it, y’know. help you plan a prank when you need a distraction, steal food from the kitchens when you’re feeling down.”  “what are you saying?” “i’m saying let me be here for you, sirius. you’d do the same for me. and i thought i made it pretty clear in the astronomy tower that i’m proper in love with you. you can kick me out of your bed, but i’ll still be in love with you from across the room.”  “i guess that’d be okay...” sirius mumbles, pulling his lip between his teeth. that was enough to drive remus crazy. but he won’t do anything about it, instead opting to pull sirius into his arms.  “just talk to me when you’re ready, pads. i’m here to listen.” and he means it. he really does. he doesn’t need sirius to explain right now if he doesn’t have it in him to do it. he just needs sirius to let him be there, let him help. he needs to be able to be close to this boy, to promise him his heart and deliver on it.  “i’m not ready to talk about it yet.”  “that’s okay. i love you padfoot.” 

remus woke to his first alarm, which was an absolute miracle. here, in the london flat they had moved into before james and lily’s wedding, it was commonplace for him to hit snooze on his alarm and sleep through everything. he was twenty-four with a four year old child, for fuck’s sake. did he and sirius really get any sleep anymore? and god, sirius. sirius had lost everything in wake of the wizarding war, in a way remus couldn’t bare to imagine. sirius had lost the only people he considered family, one of whom tried to blame him for it. sirius, with his distant gazes and his days where he couldn’t leave their bedroom room, was an apparition in their flat. the only times he seemed all there were when he first woke up, and when he was playing with harry, and even those days seemed to be getting fewer and farther between. it alarmed him to no end, and still sirius wouldn’t see anyone about it. he wondered if there was something more he should be doing. but right now, he had something much more time-sensitive to do then worry after sirius. he needed to get harry up and ready for nursery school, which included making breakfast and getting him dressed, neither of which were easy. he pads into his boy’s room, all warm smiles and holding his first cup of tea for the morning waking the boy gently and beginning to lay out his clothes. 

“tad?” harry asked, the sweet babe’s voice thick with his sleepiness. remus lived for these moments with his son. he loved nothing more than baring witness to the quiet moments of his life, and his heart swelled with love for harry every time he laid his eyes on him. he would love for james and lily to be here, to see him growing up. but he was so glad that in their absence, he and sirius had been allowed to take him in, to raise him as their own.

“good morning, fy machgen. time to get up, sleepy head.”

“do i get to see miss clarke today?” the young boy was so full of excitement, remus couldn’t help but be endeared. the way harry grinned at the idea of returning to his nursery school left remus with an overwhelming sensation of love he wasn’t sure he was capable of just three and a half years ago. 

“aye, you do. so you’ve gotta get ready, or you know what happens.”

“no!” harry giggled, “i don’t want the tickle monster to come!” leaping out of bed to help his tad pick through his drawers for his uniform.

“too late!” remus grinned back, pulling harry close and tickling his sides. the way the young boy giggled, his voice high pitched in his youth, could have brought a tear to his eye, if not for the loud crunch of porcelain meeting tile in coming from the other room. 

“you think you can handle getting all dressed for school?”

“yeah! but you ‘ave t’ come back to help with the tie. maybe when i’m bigger you can teach me to tie it!”

“of course, cariad, but right now i have to go check on si– daddy.”

–

sirius woke to remus’s side of the bed warm, but empty. as the sunlight streamed through the window, he wished he was watching it illuminate the gold of remus’s hair, and the speckling of caramel freckles covering his body. but his side of the bed was empty, which meant that rolling over to curl into his side was not an option. so instead, he pulled himself out of bed, leaden legs heavy as he regains his consciousness. some days, he wished that he and remus could just sleep in a little while longer, and he knew that was a thought he would be desperate to hold on to if he thought through it any deeper than that. he knew it, because the reason they rose from their bedroom so early was prongslet, ergo, if james and lily hadn’t become casualties of a war they were too young and too naive to fight in. that was a dangerous path for sirius, one that would always lead to him spiraling, and merlin, remus worked too hard to pick up his pieces for him to go and ruin it before a morning cup of coffee. he padded into the kitchen, silver eyes wide and unfocused. he was in a daze this morning, one that he was glad there had been no one around to see. with minimal effort, he prepared the coffee maker and put on the kettle, somewhere far off in his mind knowing that remus would be due for another cup soon. pale fingers ghosted over their variety of mugs, before settling on the familiar shape of the one sirius used every morning, and despite the fact that he was still a million miles away, his cup made it to the counter top unharmed. it wasn’t until his shaking hands reached for the kettle of hot water that he knocked the ceramic off of the counter. it shattered on the floor with a crunch that on a good day would have caused sirius to jump six feet in the air. but this was not a good day. today was a bad day, so he barely registered the noise. he registered so little that he stepped through the shards of ceramic laying discarded on the floor, and he didn’t notice the splotches of blood on the tile in his wake. 

then there’s the fiery heat of skin on skin contact, and it feels like sirius is standing a few meters from a bonfire, with how distant the contact feels. his body is on autopilot, while his mind roams without any boundaries to hold it back. usually, remus’s touch could tether him to reality, but right now he was floating, drifting off to sea peacefully without so much as a glance back to shore or any fight left in him. he was not trying to fight this, fighting it only ever made it worse. 

“would you just hold still?”

where had that come from? when did remus get this close to him? why did his foot hurt? why was there blood all over the floor? where was james? where was harry? the questions that come to him, as his eyes refocus on the world around him cause a strangled sob to force itself out of his throat. but then there’s remus, ever the empath, pulling his head gently against his chest, while he remains seated on the counter top. 

“fy nghariad aur, dwi'n dy garu di.”

“where-where’s–” but then his voice was cut off by another sob, because james is not coming back. his brother was dead. there was no way to reach him. not even with the two way mirror tucked snugly under his pillow, all the way back in their bedroom. 

“it’s okay, i’m here, i’ve got you.” remus’s heart ached in his chest as he held on to his lover. he was trying so desperately to brave the storm that weathered on in sirius’s head, but he was no legilimens, nor would he want to be. it was a place sirius had to face alone so frequently. 

when sirius’s breath finally slowed down, remus released him, in favor of examining the wound on his foot. he cleaned up the gash to the best of his ability, summoning salve and bandages from the bathroom as necessary. then he set to work on cleaning up the fallen mug, sirius looking on with tears in his eyes. that mug had been a gift from lily, one of the few things that he had to commemorate all of those sleepless nights in the common room bonding over their fractured families in a way no one but them understood. the tears only pick up when harry bounds out of his room, his tie tied in a sloppy, completely incorrect knot. 

“daddy, tad, look! i tied my tie!” 

as remus sweeps up the mess from sirius’s early morning haze, sirius gives him a knowing, albeit watery, smile as if to say i’ve got this. he crouches before the young boy, his smile widening from ear to ear.

“yes, you did prongslet! look at you! all grown up!” harry beams at this, his tiny arms wrapping around his godfather in a tight hug. 

“daddy, why are you sad? don’t be sad! i’m big now, i’ll scare away whatever made you sad! was it a spider? they’re scary.” harry’s youthful, unknowing babbles make the tears well up in his eyes even faster, but he takes a deep, shaking breath to steel himself against them. not right now. there’s no time for it, really. so instead, he reaches out to harry’s tie, his once confident fingers now shaking as he unties the knot. 

“can i try to tie it as well as you did, prongslet?” 

“yeah daddy! but it won’t be as good!” 

despite the shaking in his hands and the tears threatening to burst forth, sirius’s hands make quick work of retying the tie, as per uniform standards. he presses a light kiss to harry’s forehead, before the boy is bounding back to his room to look at his godfather’s work. 

in his absence, sirius unfurled himself from the ground, and pressed closer to hiss lover, who was leaning against the counter and watching the two of them. remus whispered affirmations in his ear as he combed his fingers through sirius’s thick black locks, although he was sure they fell on deaf ears. sirius was distinctly not having a good day, and he knew it. he only wished there was something more he could do about it. he had been thankful sirius was receptive to putting harry into muggle school, despite their wizarding roots. it had been a good way to keep harry from the messiness of their trauma, while remus was out at various appointments with mindhealers, with the lawyers of his estate, and with trying to steady himself enough to get a job. it was also good for harry to make friends, and they had no true close friends with children left for him to interact with. 

when their godson returns from his bedroom; however, he doesn’t return with an actual verdict on the knot. instead he’s shoving a stuffed bear into sirius’s hands. “harry, love, why are you giving me your bear?” sirius asked, bending down again to be level with harry. 

“aaron’s mum said you look sad all the time. i don’t want you to be sad, daddy. an’– an’ mister skilton makes me happy so– so he’ll make you happy too. but can i have him back when– when i have t’ go to bed? the dark is scary an’ mister skilton scares away all the monsters.”

that feels like enough to send sirius over the edge once more, but he pulls harry into a hug to prevent the child from seeing him cry any more than he already had. soon, remus’s long arms were wrapped around them both, and sirius can’t help the way gratitude washes over him. he turns to look remus in the eyes, as if the eye contact was one of the only things keeping him from completely falling apart.

“i love you so much, prongslet.”

remus was worried, as soon as harry started a sentence with aaron’s mum said, because just last week when aaron’s mum came to collect her child from a playdate, she had said something to remus. she had asked after sirius, because bless her heart, the woman worried after him in that way that only women over forty really can, like a concerned mother figure to the two of them. she had asked him if he was feeding sirius, and why the man always looked so haunted? why did his clothes hang off his frame like that, he was far too skinny, and wasn’t he feeding him? remus had come up with a story that wouldn’t alarm the muggle woman, but would be as close to the truth as he could get, when he replied with, he’s had a rough go of it since his brothers died. harry’s mum and dad, and his younger brother all passed the same year. and then, like the angelic, albeit chatty woman she was, she had offered to cook for them whenever they needed it, offered for them to pop by for dinner anytime, and that there would always be a place for the young men that lived next door to her at her dinner table. thinking about the woman made him stop to glace at his watch, and merlin, was it already that late? harry needed to be downstairs for mrs. dickson to take him to school in just twenty minutes!

he watches remus as he mouths we’re running low on time here. but then harry is saying, “i love you too daddy. don’t be sad anymore, okay?” and his heart aches in his chest. 

“okay, love. now it’s time we get you some breakfast, yeah?”

“oh, oh! can i have the lucky charms?” 

“you can have whatever you want.” and he means it in every way, because sirius, even in his grief and depression stricken haze, the one he has barely shaken since the end of the first war, would bend over backwards if it meant harry would smile the way he was beaming at him right now. 

as sirius prepares the bowl of cereal, remus places an apple in front of the young boy. sure, harry whines about not wanting the fruit, but he eats it anyways, after finishing his bowl of sugary breakfast. when he and remus finally walk downstairs from the flat, guiding strapping him into the car seat beside aaron in mrs. dickson’s car, there’s nothing that makes them grin wider than the way their boy enthusiastically waves at them from the window. 

they slowly climb the stairs back up to their flat, and as soon as they make it inside remus is pulling sirius into his arms once more, and whispering dwi'n dy garu gymaint. mae gen i ti. rydw i yma. mae'n iawn. rwy'n dy garu di like a mantra, over and over. remus guided him over to the couch, his arms still wrapped around his lover, even though the tears had stopped coming long ago. 

“hey, re?” 

“yeah, padfoot.”

“i’m glad that you and prongslet are my family now.”

“me too, pads.”