#wolfstar parenting

remus woke to his first alarm, which was an absolute miracle. here, in the london flat they had moved into before james and lily’s wedding, it was commonplace for him to hit snooze on his alarm and sleep through everything. he was twenty-four with a four year old child, for fuck’s sake. did he and sirius really get any sleep anymore? and god, sirius. sirius had lost everything in wake of the wizarding war, in a way remus couldn’t bare to imagine. sirius had lost the only people he considered family, one of whom tried to blame him for it. sirius, with his distant gazes and his days where he couldn’t leave their bedroom room, was an apparition in their flat. the only times he seemed all there were when he first woke up, and when he was playing with harry, and even those days seemed to be getting fewer and farther between. it alarmed him to no end, and still sirius wouldn’t see anyone about it. he wondered if there was something more he should be doing. but right now, he had something much more time-sensitive to do then worry after sirius. he needed to get harry up and ready for nursery school, which included making breakfast and getting him dressed, neither of which were easy. he pads into his boy’s room, all warm smiles and holding his first cup of tea for the morning waking the boy gently and beginning to lay out his clothes. 

“tad?” harry asked, the sweet babe’s voice thick with his sleepiness. remus lived for these moments with his son. he loved nothing more than baring witness to the quiet moments of his life, and his heart swelled with love for harry every time he laid his eyes on him. he would love for james and lily to be here, to see him growing up. but he was so glad that in their absence, he and sirius had been allowed to take him in, to raise him as their own.

“good morning, fy machgen. time to get up, sleepy head.”

“do i get to see miss clarke today?” the young boy was so full of excitement, remus couldn’t help but be endeared. the way harry grinned at the idea of returning to his nursery school left remus with an overwhelming sensation of love he wasn’t sure he was capable of just three and a half years ago. 

“aye, you do. so you’ve gotta get ready, or you know what happens.”

“no!” harry giggled, “i don’t want the tickle monster to come!” leaping out of bed to help his tad pick through his drawers for his uniform.

“too late!” remus grinned back, pulling harry close and tickling his sides. the way the young boy giggled, his voice high pitched in his youth, could have brought a tear to his eye, if not for the loud crunch of porcelain meeting tile in coming from the other room. 

“you think you can handle getting all dressed for school?”

“yeah! but you ‘ave t’ come back to help with the tie. maybe when i’m bigger you can teach me to tie it!”

“of course, cariad, but right now i have to go check on si– daddy.”

–

sirius woke to remus’s side of the bed warm, but empty. as the sunlight streamed through the window, he wished he was watching it illuminate the gold of remus’s hair, and the speckling of caramel freckles covering his body. but his side of the bed was empty, which meant that rolling over to curl into his side was not an option. so instead, he pulled himself out of bed, leaden legs heavy as he regains his consciousness. some days, he wished that he and remus could just sleep in a little while longer, and he knew that was a thought he would be desperate to hold on to if he thought through it any deeper than that. he knew it, because the reason they rose from their bedroom so early was prongslet, ergo, if james and lily hadn’t become casualties of a war they were too young and too naive to fight in. that was a dangerous path for sirius, one that would always lead to him spiraling, and merlin, remus worked too hard to pick up his pieces for him to go and ruin it before a morning cup of coffee. he padded into the kitchen, silver eyes wide and unfocused. he was in a daze this morning, one that he was glad there had been no one around to see. with minimal effort, he prepared the coffee maker and put on the kettle, somewhere far off in his mind knowing that remus would be due for another cup soon. pale fingers ghosted over their variety of mugs, before settling on the familiar shape of the one sirius used every morning, and despite the fact that he was still a million miles away, his cup made it to the counter top unharmed. it wasn’t until his shaking hands reached for the kettle of hot water that he knocked the ceramic off of the counter. it shattered on the floor with a crunch that on a good day would have caused sirius to jump six feet in the air. but this was not a good day. today was a bad day, so he barely registered the noise. he registered so little that he stepped through the shards of ceramic laying discarded on the floor, and he didn’t notice the splotches of blood on the tile in his wake. 

then there’s the fiery heat of skin on skin contact, and it feels like sirius is standing a few meters from a bonfire, with how distant the contact feels. his body is on autopilot, while his mind roams without any boundaries to hold it back. usually, remus’s touch could tether him to reality, but right now he was floating, drifting off to sea peacefully without so much as a glance back to shore or any fight left in him. he was not trying to fight this, fighting it only ever made it worse. 

“would you just hold still?”

where had that come from? when did remus get this close to him? why did his foot hurt? why was there blood all over the floor? where was james? where was harry? the questions that come to him, as his eyes refocus on the world around him cause a strangled sob to force itself out of his throat. but then there’s remus, ever the empath, pulling his head gently against his chest, while he remains seated on the counter top. 

“fy nghariad aur, dwi'n dy garu di.”

“where-where’s–” but then his voice was cut off by another sob, because james is not coming back. his brother was dead. there was no way to reach him. not even with the two way mirror tucked snugly under his pillow, all the way back in their bedroom. 

“it’s okay, i’m here, i’ve got you.” remus’s heart ached in his chest as he held on to his lover. he was trying so desperately to brave the storm that weathered on in sirius’s head, but he was no legilimens, nor would he want to be. it was a place sirius had to face alone so frequently. 

when sirius’s breath finally slowed down, remus released him, in favor of examining the wound on his foot. he cleaned up the gash to the best of his ability, summoning salve and bandages from the bathroom as necessary. then he set to work on cleaning up the fallen mug, sirius looking on with tears in his eyes. that mug had been a gift from lily, one of the few things that he had to commemorate all of those sleepless nights in the common room bonding over their fractured families in a way no one but them understood. the tears only pick up when harry bounds out of his room, his tie tied in a sloppy, completely incorrect knot. 

“daddy, tad, look! i tied my tie!” 

as remus sweeps up the mess from sirius’s early morning haze, sirius gives him a knowing, albeit watery, smile as if to say i’ve got this. he crouches before the young boy, his smile widening from ear to ear.

“yes, you did prongslet! look at you! all grown up!” harry beams at this, his tiny arms wrapping around his godfather in a tight hug. 

“daddy, why are you sad? don’t be sad! i’m big now, i’ll scare away whatever made you sad! was it a spider? they’re scary.” harry’s youthful, unknowing babbles make the tears well up in his eyes even faster, but he takes a deep, shaking breath to steel himself against them. not right now. there’s no time for it, really. so instead, he reaches out to harry’s tie, his once confident fingers now shaking as he unties the knot. 

“can i try to tie it as well as you did, prongslet?” 

“yeah daddy! but it won’t be as good!” 

despite the shaking in his hands and the tears threatening to burst forth, sirius’s hands make quick work of retying the tie, as per uniform standards. he presses a light kiss to harry’s forehead, before the boy is bounding back to his room to look at his godfather’s work. 

in his absence, sirius unfurled himself from the ground, and pressed closer to hiss lover, who was leaning against the counter and watching the two of them. remus whispered affirmations in his ear as he combed his fingers through sirius’s thick black locks, although he was sure they fell on deaf ears. sirius was distinctly not having a good day, and he knew it. he only wished there was something more he could do about it. he had been thankful sirius was receptive to putting harry into muggle school, despite their wizarding roots. it had been a good way to keep harry from the messiness of their trauma, while remus was out at various appointments with mindhealers, with the lawyers of his estate, and with trying to steady himself enough to get a job. it was also good for harry to make friends, and they had no true close friends with children left for him to interact with. 

when their godson returns from his bedroom; however, he doesn’t return with an actual verdict on the knot. instead he’s shoving a stuffed bear into sirius’s hands. “harry, love, why are you giving me your bear?” sirius asked, bending down again to be level with harry. 

“aaron’s mum said you look sad all the time. i don’t want you to be sad, daddy. an’– an’ mister skilton makes me happy so– so he’ll make you happy too. but can i have him back when– when i have t’ go to bed? the dark is scary an’ mister skilton scares away all the monsters.”

that feels like enough to send sirius over the edge once more, but he pulls harry into a hug to prevent the child from seeing him cry any more than he already had. soon, remus’s long arms were wrapped around them both, and sirius can’t help the way gratitude washes over him. he turns to look remus in the eyes, as if the eye contact was one of the only things keeping him from completely falling apart.

“i love you so much, prongslet.”

remus was worried, as soon as harry started a sentence with aaron’s mum said, because just last week when aaron’s mum came to collect her child from a playdate, she had said something to remus. she had asked after sirius, because bless her heart, the woman worried after him in that way that only women over forty really can, like a concerned mother figure to the two of them. she had asked him if he was feeding sirius, and why the man always looked so haunted? why did his clothes hang off his frame like that, he was far too skinny, and wasn’t he feeding him? remus had come up with a story that wouldn’t alarm the muggle woman, but would be as close to the truth as he could get, when he replied with, he’s had a rough go of it since his brothers died. harry’s mum and dad, and his younger brother all passed the same year. and then, like the angelic, albeit chatty woman she was, she had offered to cook for them whenever they needed it, offered for them to pop by for dinner anytime, and that there would always be a place for the young men that lived next door to her at her dinner table. thinking about the woman made him stop to glace at his watch, and merlin, was it already that late? harry needed to be downstairs for mrs. dickson to take him to school in just twenty minutes!

he watches remus as he mouths we’re running low on time here. but then harry is saying, “i love you too daddy. don’t be sad anymore, okay?” and his heart aches in his chest. 

“okay, love. now it’s time we get you some breakfast, yeah?”

“oh, oh! can i have the lucky charms?” 

“you can have whatever you want.” and he means it in every way, because sirius, even in his grief and depression stricken haze, the one he has barely shaken since the end of the first war, would bend over backwards if it meant harry would smile the way he was beaming at him right now. 

as sirius prepares the bowl of cereal, remus places an apple in front of the young boy. sure, harry whines about not wanting the fruit, but he eats it anyways, after finishing his bowl of sugary breakfast. when he and remus finally walk downstairs from the flat, guiding strapping him into the car seat beside aaron in mrs. dickson’s car, there’s nothing that makes them grin wider than the way their boy enthusiastically waves at them from the window. 

they slowly climb the stairs back up to their flat, and as soon as they make it inside remus is pulling sirius into his arms once more, and whispering dwi'n dy garu gymaint. mae gen i ti. rydw i yma. mae'n iawn. rwy'n dy garu di like a mantra, over and over. remus guided him over to the couch, his arms still wrapped around his lover, even though the tears had stopped coming long ago. 

“hey, re?” 

“yeah, padfoot.”

“i’m glad that you and prongslet are my family now.”

“me too, pads.”