#disfellowshipped

As a cult survivor (ex-jehovahs witness, now an athiest) Gabriel's story is scarily similar to mine to the point where it feels like Gabriel was intentionally written as a parallel to what leaving a Christian cult feels like. To what leaving Jehovahs Witnesses feels like. I know exactly what it feels like to grapple with the reality-crushing realization that everything you believed in, everything you so adamantly preached to everyone around you, everything you centered your entire existence and identity around was all a lie. And then to recognize the harm its existence continues to cause and to reckon with your own participation and culpability in said harm. And to *know* that the only option is to destroy it. In a way its a bit of a power fantasy for ex-cultists too, because while I am near powerless to destroy a multimillion if not billion dollar cult, Gabriel has the power to destroy the pillars of his former allegiance. Gabriel has agency where as cult survivors have none in the face of truly destroying the cult so that it can't harm anyone ever again. I can't help but feel tremendously jealous.

Gabriel's revelation, or wake up call, was also external, as it is for lots of cult escapees. His identity crisis was forced upon him by what is essentially a crack in the brainwashing - losing to V1 twice. Once he started questioning that and followed it to its natural conclusion he was forced to reckon with the reality that everything he was taught and believed to be the truth was incorrect. When youre in that state, your only options are radical acceptance or cognitive dissonance. Most survivors will go through several instances of choosing the cognitive dissonance (largely due to the pressures and fear tactics utilized by cults to retain members) before being faced with something they cannot will away and that becomes the catalyst for their rejection of the ideology which is the groundwork for escape. This is why cults like JWs discourage using information sources other than their own or engaging with "apostate literature". It only took Gabriel two instances (of losing to V1. Once is a fluke. Twice is much harder to hand-wave away) for him to make the logically correct decision and to have the bravery accept that decision and all the pain one invites upon themself when you choose to make it yours. He saved himself a lot of heartache by getting around to it so quickly. It takes a special kind of strength to do that. Maybe its because hes an angel.

Gabriel also faced an excommunication, similar to the JW practice of disfellowshipping (a label I carry), being literally cut off from Gods light. In the cult, it was understood that you had Jehovah's protection (from satan/demons and their devilish influence but also just like, bad things happening to you) if you were a good and faithful Witness but you lost that "protection" when you are disfellowshipped. In an instant, you go from being a special servant of God - personally called from the masses, hand picked for His light - to a mere human alone against the horrors and difficulties of the World standing no longer with the Almighty at your back but by only the strength of your own two feet. Its a tremendously heavy loss. The motives behind both are the same in Ultrakill as in a real life cult - for the sake of the believers. Gabriel's failure was not allowed to exist, because God is perfect, so it *must* have been entirely his fault, and thus he deserved the rejection. It serves as a mental block for the retained members: while it is weak against stopping the cracks in the brainwashing from forming in the outcast, that is secondary to the more important goal of protecting the minds of the other members. It acts as sort of a thought-terminating cliche for the retained members. "They sinned (were wrong) so they were punished". The blame is placed squarely on the shoulders of the outcast. The cult/ideology didn't fail, this member did, and thats all you need to accept and think about. And it is much better to lose one member than all of them.

What Gabriel came to accept and realize in a matter of hours took me years to sort out. To reach the realization that his life had been a lie, to face and accept his complicity in the wrongdoing, to immediately grasp the need for the old way to be destroyed AND THEN to immediately get to work slaughtering the council is the undoing of centuries of brainwashing in practically an instant. Most ex-cultists will probably never reach this level of clarity and introspection in their life. For Gabriel to do it in an afternoon, well, you can understand why it makes me suspicious that Hakita must have some cult association in his past, whether directly or indirectly via watching friends/family/loved ones go through it or share their experience.

At the very least, Hakita has created a character whos story portrays the exact mental process of leaving the cult you were raised in, distilled down from an entire lifetime (I was raised in it and left for love when I was 22. At the time i planned to rejoin when I got married. Im turning 25 this year and am absolutely never going back. Gabriel could have continued trying to kill V1 and regain God's favor, make everything go back to how it was - but he knows how worthless that old reality is) into less than 24 hours. It is cult survivor speed run and it is SPOT ON in an eerily similar amount of ways (I could go on. Theres a lot more) and I am DYING to know how he got it so perfectly. It is a very rational process so it is feasible he simply imagined and reasoned what it would look like if a very rational character faced these series of events but like.... its so similar 😭

My dad has recently developed a condition that's made his muscles severely atrophied to the point that he can't even sit up on his own. I asked my mom if I could come visit my sick dad, and she said yes. I was allowed a half hour visit.

The first person to greet me at the door was Daisy, the two year old dog. She was very sweet and gentle and a bit shy. This was my first time meeting the new addition to the family, since they'd adopted her after I left. We never had a dog while I lived with my family.

My mom was holding Daisy by her harness at the front door. She looked like she had been crying recently. She asked us to put on our face masks before going upstairs to see my dad.

The furniture had all been rearranged, but it was mostly the same house that I'd left; small, clean, and crowded. I didn't feel nostalgic for it the way I thought that I would.

My dad was so skinny he was drowning in his t-shirt. His face was scruffy from lack of shaving. He was exhausted just sitting in his chair. He looked rough.

His voice was a raspy whisper, and it clearly took some effort to speak. I remembered being a little kid and him yelling at me and my siblings. He had a booming, deep voice. His laugh was hearty and warm. I think hearing his voice affected me even more than seeing his withered body.

We were both wearing our Star Trek t-shirts. I gave him a gentle hug and a "kiss" through my mask. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. I sat down next to him on his hospital bed.

We talked casually, but there was an obvious awkward tension hanging in the air in every pause. I don't remember everything we talked about, or in what order we talked about it.

My dad asked me if I had been doing much baking and cooking. He was the one who had taught me to cook and instilled a passion for food in me. I told him yes, and went on to tell him about the various recipes I'd been making. I couldn't read his expressions, mostly because he could barely move his face, but I thought he was pleased to hear about my cooking success.

We talked about Star Trek. My parents have differing opinions on the new Picard series. My mom said it was great, and my dad rolled his eyes.

My fiance told them about his job and about his music career. I'm not really sure how they feel about his music career. They seem mildly interested, but not really. Maybe they think he's chasing wealth or fame or something.

I asked my dad how he ever let a dog in the house. He was the reason we never had any pets larger than a rat growing up. He said that it was only Daisy's very sweet and calm temperment that persuaded him.

I asked where my brother and sister were. My mom said they were "out and about." In other words, they were away from the house so I wouldn't see them and they wouldn't see me. It hurts to think that my siblings need to be "protected" from me. Or worse, maybe they just didn't want to see me. I brought two scarves that I knit as gifts for them. I wish I could have given them in person.

One of my uncles stopped by the house while I was there. My mom sent him away, so I didn't see him. When she went downstairs to answer the door I almost said "Go warn him there's an apostate in the house" but I thought better of it.

My fiance and I left when my dad's nurse aide arrived to help him shower. My mom thanked us for coming. As if I hadn't wanted to come home to them for years. As if this half hour meeting was anything but on their own limited terms.

I don't know why I keep setting myself up for heartbreak. I should have known my siblings wouldn't be there. I should have known visiting relatives would be sent away. The sole reason I was allowed to come was to see my sick dad. It wasn't an invitation to be part of their lives again. I knew that, but I couldn't help but let part of me wish it was more.

I feel a lot of things right now. I'm glad that our interaction was pleasant. I'm hurt that I couldn't see my brother and sister. I'm disappointed that this half hour will probably be the most time spent with them for another few years and that it was a totally superficial conversation.

I wish I could just purge them from my heart. I want to stop missing them and holding out hope that they'll take me back as I am. I'm not dangerous. I'm not hopeless. I'm not doomed. I want so much for them to wake up one day and realize that nothing is worth trading me for. Not even eternal life. Why can't I just accept that that is never going to happen?

If these are not a conspiracy then I want the exjw community to stay safe on here. I know some of you are teens or not in a situation where you can afford to be shunned yet.