they steer the topic to talk about themselves almost all the time. The attention they give you will be always less than what they give to themselves in a conversation. Every topic you start will serve as an excuse to talk about their life.

they will switch between bragging and telling you stories in which they are the victims. Details of these stories will be vague, and if you ask for details, they will worm out of telling you

Their words and actions will not match. They could be telling you they care for you, like you, flirt with you, tell you they love you, and right afterwards start ignoring you, forgetting about you, be too busy to talk, give you less and less attention and time (devalue-discard phase)

There will be phases to your relationship with them, it will usually start with a lot of warmth, adoration, potential, praise, admiration, mirroring (they act like someone perfect for you), only for you to then be discarded, neglected, devalued, and accused of being annoying or overbearing if you try to be close to them like before

They will eventually blame you for something so outlandish and untrue it might feel like it's coming out of nowhere and completely stun you; this is projection, they're actually doing the thing they accuse you of, they're diverting the attention from themselves by accusing you

If you stick by them and patiently await for them when they neglect you, they will play by neglecting you more and more, just to see how far they can get away with it; they love to experiment with this and test the limits, you waiting for them feeds their ego

Even if they manage to get you to praise all their accomplishments and devalue yours, they will still be competitive and try to compete with you in every area, nothing will ever be enough for them to maintain superiority

They will make you feel like you have to keep following 'the script' they made for you, you will feel uneasy coming out with how they hurt you because you feel that you're breaking the role they had created for you in their life

Once you do come out with your pain and ask them to stop, they will either play it nice the first time, to establish their reputation as a kind person, but afterwards they can get cold, vicious, lash out, discard you, focus on how this makes them feel to the point where your initial pain feels irrelevant

They will take your support for granted and always want more, if they get used to it, it will be the 'minimal requirement' expected of you

You will be able to tell that this person lives in a personal bubble where they decide the value and importance of everything, and if you want to be in their life, you have to make yourself not only small but perfectly molded to fit inside of that bubble, and they will act like they absolutely want you there, but once inside, your value will plummet in their eyes, and you will become a toy to be picked up or discarded as they please.

Typically, one isn’t aware of how far a toxic person is willing to go—and particularly the full extent of the lies that he or she is willing to tell—until the final discard phase begins. It is in this sense that a toxic person’s mask is said to completely drop in the discard phase, for the first time.

The unprecedented extremity and viciousness of the person’s behaviour during this phase tends to function a bit like a destructive Rosetta Stone, with which one obsessively looks back and pores over the events of the abusive relationship, attempting to explain the as-yet-inexplicable, and uncover as-yet-undetected lies and manipulations.

Stuck between Bombs and Love Bombs: How Splitting and Projection Got You Here

In the first part of this video, Sacha Slone talks about how the idealisation phase continues to haunt the targets of narcissistic abuse, after they have been discarded. To oversimplify, targets continue to experience cognitive dissonance after the discard, and thereby recapitulate the intermittent reinforcement that bonds them to their abusers. They are denied any understanding or closure, or else there is just no satisfactory explanation for how they were treated. As a consequence, they can’t reconcile the dream with the nightmare. They can’t reconcile the fact that they were idealised, and the way their abusers behaved during the idealisation phase (the love-bombing, future faking, extremely positive proclamations and promises) with the fact that they were devalued and discarded, and the way their abusers behaved during the devaluation and discard phases (the viciousness, hostility, contempt, indifference). The narcissistic abuser’s abrupt shifts between idealisation and devaluation are instances of splitting. Splitting, in turn, often involves psychological projection.

In this connection, the second part of the video covers splitting and projection, along with projective identification. These are unconscious defense mechanisms that typically underlie narcissistically abusive behaviour. Much narcissistically abusive behaviour can be explained by the assumption that these defense mechanisms are amplified, rigidified, and more regularly employed within the narcissistic abuser, as well as by the fact that the abuser is either unwilling or unable to subject the products of these unconscious processes to timely self-reflection.

I think it is especially important that the mechanism of projective identification is more widely understood, even though it is the more complicated of the three mechanisms discussed. (Projective identification is discussed by Rune Fardal at the end of the video.) If there’s a most helpful defense mechanism to learn about when it comes to explaining narcissistically abusive behaviour (and especially covertly abusive behaviour), then that mechanism is projective identification. The abuses that are explained by projective identification are among the most mind-fucking and crazy-making of the lot. Accordingly, even just knowing that this mechanism exists is a huge help, when it comes to dissolving some of the toxic mess that remains after the discard.

The Shape of Extreme Narcissism in the Intimate Romantic Context

Shahida Arabi discusses narcissistic abuse in the context of intimate romantic relationships, which consists in an idealisation phase, then a devaluation phase, and then a discard phase. In the process, she touches on a number of narcissistic strategies of emotional manipulation and deflection, as well as how the target is affected during the discard phase.

Idealisation Phase

Mirroring

Love bombing

You are put on a pedestal and can seemingly do no wrong

You are ‘so much better than my crazy exes’

Apparently sincere proclamations of romantic love

Future-faking (fantasising about, and even planning, a future with you; expressing the desire to travel with you, or move in with you, or grow old with you, etc.; constant reassurances of how perfect you are for each other, and how stable, long-lasting, and self-sustaining the connection is, despite being so new)

Intense attention, praise, affection

Apparently sincere references to an unexpectedly deep bond (perhaps even a magical, transcendent, or spiritual bond)

Intense emotional closeness and engagement

General emphasis on the special, valuable, unprecedented nature of the new intimate connection

Devaluation Phase

Abrupt emotional withdrawal

Inconsistent treatment (i.e., ‘blowing hot and cold’)

Dosing and intermittent reinforcement

Covert or overt put-downs and insinuations

Brief instances of narcissistic rage (usually cold rage)

Bouts of stonewalling (silent treatment)

Gaslighting and minimisation

Punishing normal reactions to the emotional withdrawal, or describing them as clingy, needy, dependent, too intense, etc.

Psychological projection (the abuser’s bad feelings, or the things that the abuser dislikes about himself, are attributed to you or blamed on you)

Belittling, dismissal, or mockery of your needs and feelings

Avoidance of conversations about your feelings and boundaries

Avoidance of conversations about the abuser’s own feelings

Triangulation for the purpose of gaslighting and self-validation (foreshadowing the smear campaign and flying monkeys of the discard phase)

Triangulation for the purpose of manipulating self-esteem and jealousy

Discard Phase

Abrupt abandonment and rejection, without explanation, compassion, conversation, or closure

Total emotional disengagement (indifference, contempt, and aloofness; unless challenged, in which case, rage)

Indefinite stonewalling

Possible smear campaigns, gaslighting, and use of triangulation and flying monkeys to deflect accountability

Projection, and the deflection of resolution and accountability, by playing the victim and painting you as the harrasser or abuser

Experience of the target during the discard phase:

Initial shock, and the assumption that there’s been some kind of mistake, confusion, or miscommunication (this is less about denial and more a problem with sense-making)

Unresolvable emotional distress (the intensity of which is often unexpected, out-of-character, and confusing for the target)

Extremely low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness

Near constant desperation to resolve the tension, and the apparent (and inexplicable) conflict

Feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and humiliation

Shame and self-blame

Obsession and intrusive ruminations

Intense confusion

Unresolvable cognitive dissonance, especially regarding the abuser’s true nature, and the abuser’s true attitudes towards the target and the relationship

Feelings of betrayal, violation, and objectification

Anxiety, nervousness (‘jumpiness’), restlessness

Sleep disturbances

Anhedonia and lack of motivation

Difficulty concentrating

Self-isolation

Continuing (self-generated) intermittent reinforcement

Everything was perfect three weeks ago. He called you his soulmate. Talked about moving in together. Then your mom got sick, and you needed support. That’s when his face changed. Not gradually—instantly. Like someone flipped a switch. Within 48 hours, he told you he “never really loved you” and blocked you everywhere. You’re sitting there wondering what the hell just happened. That’s the…