#dilmil

Part 1

​I want to reveal the mistakes I made along the way and how I corrected them. Each of these posts will give you an inside look at what I did on my journey to Mr. Right. These rules apply to men and women. I am NOT into the sappy soulmate stuff. But now, finally, being in a kick ass, loving and supportive marriage has lead me to believe that there is some method to all this madness. I made some terrible choices along the way. Many of you have heard those stories, especially if you have worked with me in my relationship coaching program. Granted, it has been about four years since I actually dated. But with clients, friends and family who use online dating every day, I am sure that these mistakes are still the reasons so many are unhappy. MISTAKE 1: Skewing From My “Must Have” List or Making It Too Particular. You’ve all heard this before. Make a list of things that you are looking for in a man or woman. I tell clients to keep it to 3 but not more than 5 things. Any more than that and you’re practically a google analytics bot. I had no clue what I was looking for and when someone would ask me, I would say, “Tall, funny and smart.” but that was so vague. When I finally made parameters of who I wanted to meet, I made exceptions for people who were extra good looking, or highly successful. But that just lead to more bad dates and more frustration. I struggled to narrow a long list of trivial things down to just a few that truly mattered to me. For the longest time I was obsessed with a man’s height. Some of these online dating sites let you input the height of a person in inches! I mean….COME ON! Why does that detail matter? When you are old in a rocking chair, will you regret not having someone by your side who is exactly 5’ 11”? Probably not. So, I learned to get rid of that notion. As I went on more bad first dates, I realized that I was limiting myself just because I love high heeled shoes. This was way too particular. I will give one example of my “must have” that I skewed from the most: a graduate degree. You can take contention with this, many of you may, but it was important to me and still is. I’ll tell you why. I worked my ass off in Law School. The process of taking the entrance exams, figuring out life logistics so you can live, work, eat, sleep and study are no joke.  And, having a crazy schedule during the best years of your life, is a lifestyle that sucks. I believe that only someone who has been through that in their 20’s or early 30’s would have understood where I was coming from. It stays with you for years. I always planned to create a home that respects and promotes learning and education. And, when I dated people who fell out of this category, I was disappointed. This is not because they weren’t smart, interesting or successful. They just didn’t share the background that I needed them to understand. For some of you, experiencing other life changing things may be a “must have”. For example: finishing any degree, having kids, a pet or being artistic. 

CORRECTION: Understanding Why I Wanted What I Wanted Eventually my “must haves” list was tailored by really digging into why certain things were on my list. Removing items that were pure vanity, materialism or selfish were easy. But finding the rooted reasons for wanting to meet someone successful or highly educated was tougher. It wasn’t until I looked into what I respected about myself and wanted for myself, that I realized who Mr. Right needed to be. After only a few weeks of sticking to my “must have” list, I met my husband. We took two years  getting to know each other. It was not easy to stick to the list, but it made sense for me. When you meet a person and you know what you value about them, it is a lot easier for them to be receptive to you. Mr. Right and I have so many differences and if I had met him before tailoring my “must have” list, I don’t know whether I would have met someone so perfect. But, I am so glad I did. We are in sync on a level I just can’t explain. The funny thing is, I am now happily a couple inches taller than my husband when I wear some of my favorite shoes and he thinks it’s hot. Lesson learned. 

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