#difficult conversation

… my wife is done with dating. Sure, it was such an ego boost to get that positive attention. But she says the high is worn off. And she’s done.

Surely, she doesn’t mean that. Surely, she means she’s taking a break. She hasn’t even gotten what she wanted.

To be fair, when she says things like this it’s usually because she’s feeling discouraged. It’s a chore finding the person that will give you what you want, even when you are single. (When you add ENM (ethical non-monogamy) you have the added challenge of finding a person that can handle that, and if that person is actually ethical, that is, not lying that their partner is okay with them possibly sleeping with you.)

“So, you don’t seem to be that into dating,” she commented.

“Well, I don’t really have time, and I guess even though my new friends is really far away, just knowing he cares is… um, comforting.” Well, not exactly. Some days I felt like I would explode out of my skin when I don’t hear from him.

“How is that different from me?” she asked.

I wait for the server to pass us before I say, “When was the last time you told me you loved me?” She had to think about it.

“I love you, M,” she said.

“I love you, too.”

In this same conversation, I can’t remember exactly how we got to, “I’m jealous that he has this access to you that I don’t have.” She is referencing this tumblr. I expect she’ll be hurt if she reads it, so I don’t want her to. Not that she would learn anything new about my complaints. I’ve repeated them to her and she says, “we’ve been over this,” like it’s old news, which she finds hurtful because it reminds her of her failure. It’s still current events for me.

For example, I have had to say things like, “Please don’t talk to me like your coworkers at [huge online bookseller she doesn’t work for anymore], because I am not your coworker and I deserve your gentleness and respect.” This comment is met by, “I shouldn’t need to talk to you any other way. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells with you.” Translation: she shouldn't have to change. She's not changing. That’s her answer. That was her answer. She may now be realizing that no matter how much she does love me, she needs to say it, because a relationship can die from a thousand cuts.

For a while I labored under the thought that I clearly have not been a good enough reason for her to change and as my efforts continually went unrewarded, I shifted them elsewhere, I shifted them to where I was wanted. Because I do need to be happy. Don’t I deserve to be happy? Do I? She makes me wonder if I do. Lately, I have wondered this less.

This is another portion of the conversation with my wife that came up around my IUD. 

“So, what’s happening with it? Our open relationship? What about Hal?”

I’m out of the room, so she can’t see the look on my face. “I haven’t heard from him in months.” It’s the only truth I can manage to tell her. I can’t tell her he didn’t want me. I don’t want her to know how hurt I was when he ended our friendship forever. I don’t want her to know how much I was in love with him. Because I don’t want to hurt her. Because I love her.

“I thought we were going to work on our relationship before we opened it.” I thought she said our relationship could be open as long as we were working on it. Work in progress. “That’s why I brought it up in the car.”

“Yes. I’m glad you did. But it wasn’t a good time to have that conversation. And then I got covid and we weren’t exactly spending a lot of time around each other.” So little in fact, I was becoming depressed.

“Multiple sex partners and IUDs means you are more likely to get STDs.”

“I don’t plan on having unprotected sex just because I have an IUD. In fact, I plan to absolutely lie about having it so condoms will get used.” A little tip I heard from a listener on Savage Lovecast.

“Okay. Insist on seeing the printout of their tests.” 

“Yes, of course.”

“How are you going to feel if I start going on dates?”

It’s not the first time she asked me this. “I think you should feel free to do that. It’s only fair.”

“What are the rules? Is once a week too much?”

“You said no sex at home. I would want you to be safe. Health and safety first. Vet the people you go out with. Use all the prophylactics.”

“What if I want to go out on a date but you say, ‘we were going to watch a show?’”

“I would of course want you to honor any plans we made together. I think it would be a different conversation if you started canceling our plans for someone else.”

“What if I want to stay out all night?”

“Please just let me know if that is going to happen. Don’t make me worry.”

“You do realize you coerced me into this.”

“Yes, I’m aware that you do this under duress. Which is funny, because it was you that wanted to open the relationship all those years ago. 2013, when we were at Burning Man.”

“I just want sex. You are the one who fell in love.”

I didn’t attempt to deny it. 

Of Promises made and promises kept

By | Nathan SV | Partner and Chief Talent Officer at Deloitte India

It was one of those moments that was he feared – a difficult conversation. This was with a manager, a good woman of great potential and someone well respected in the company. He wanted to promote her to head a unit. He had a thumbs up from the leader with whom she had to work with. On that basis he had called her and told her…

This NBC news article gives parents and caregivers information on how to take action to help both protect the younger generation and how, as a parent, to feel grounded. It is important to not just have simple conversations with our youth; it is more important to be honest, take action, and always continue to have these difficult conversations. I always like to say that children and teens learn by having multiple, spaced out conversations rather than one big, long lecture. When you read this article think about the younger generation and how to apply these techniques. I have given more perspective on this article below and I hope each reader gain more insight as well.

Our society currently continues to experience heartache and which more recently involve the safety of our children who we want to do nothing more than protect and love. With all of the school shootings at the beginning of 2018, the conversations about gun control and violence are directly affecting the younger generation. Being a professional who works with children and teens experiencing anxiety and depression, processing the realities of our world can feel sticky and confusing. We want our kids to feel safe and at the same time know the realities of the world we live in. Within the last few weeks, I have done my own processing and have found this article above to be both informative for parents as well as realistic about how to engage children when these difficult conversations occur.

One section of this article that I find so important is for each adult who interacts with the younger generation, (teacher, parent, therapist…), needs to have his or her own outlet and support system. We are their role models and feeling grounded in how we share our emotions is highly important. Processing and venting about our own fears and frustrations with another adult allows us to be present with children, which allows their voice be heard and listened to. This permits each adult to be truly empathetic and provide a safe place for the child’s emotions to be validated.

The bigger reality is that we cannot make these empty promises to children when we do not have control over it. Our job is to not increase their anxiety, but tell them the truth. We want to provide protection, yet we cannot be with them each hour of the day. The balance of our reality is highly important and helping children focus on what they can control and continue to advocate.

To balance all of these realities, here are three positive tips for parents to do when having these discussions.

Provide space to have their voice heard. Allow them to share all of their thoughts and emotions. Do not be afraid to start these conversations because most children are already trying to process these difficult concepts.

Validate their emotions. This can be accomplished by simply repeating back what they say because it confirms that they were understood- with love and empathy.

Point out the facts and the positive experiences they have each day. This helps them hold all realities. You do not want to change it to positive until you have genuinely discussed the hard emotions.

Overall, know you are not alone. Most parents or professionals are working their best to help each child feel safe and develop in to their best self. Make sure your needs as a parent are being met and always ask for help. Each day their generation continues to amaze me with their drive to make a difference. It is our job to foster this incredible development and continue to listen with our hearts and minds to each emotion and words for change.

I have spent years working with and specializing in treating gifted children, adolescents and adults. The gifted person comes with many wonderful qualities, but often struggles on many levels, for many reasons. The gifted population is disproportionately comprised of introverts. I remember working at The Logan School, a gifted school in Denver, as their school psychologist and walking through the halls filled with kids and you could hear a pin drop. A distinct difference from most schools where if kids are in the halls they are filled with noise and conversation.

Knowing and identifying yourself as an extrovert can be very powerful. Many introverts compare themselves to extroverts who appear to have an easier time socially and to have more friends. But when people realize that they are an introvert and introverts operate differently with many gifts there is a relief in knowing what they need. For example most introverts expend lots of energy being social and then need to spend time by themselves or in the comfort of their own home to recharge. This is not something that makes them less than an extrovert, it is just different and it is normal for an introvert. Knowing just this one simple fact about how one is socially has brought great relief to many people I have worked with and known. It gives permission to give yourself what you need and to know that taking one on one time with friends versus big groups is okay and taking time to yourself to regroup is important.

Knowing your kiddos tendency is also important. Parents who are extroverts can get very frustrated with their introverted children, who they feel pull away or want to spend time alone. But if their need for recharge time can be named and respected it can change family dynamics! This TIME article is one of the best I have read and highlights the positive and powerful qualities of being an introvert.