↳ I had this idea and couldn't wait 8 months for Daichi's bday so fuck it, here it is. Happy early birthday to Daichi.
↳ Notes/Warnings: timeskip!Daichi, Daichi is 21+ years old, playful/joking mention of necrophilia, death and death-related themes (fucking spoilers), those with a distaste for morbid senses of humor are likely to find this reprehensible, otherwise you're welcome.
You and Suga are the masterminds behind it all
Old teammates and friends are invited
Hell, y’all even get his siblings in on it (his parents think it’s a hilarious scheme but decline to attend since it would be too difficult to play along. Understandably so.)
When Coach Ukai caught wind of the plan he insisted on being there
All in all, about 30 people gather inside your and Daichi’s shared home
Everyone’s wearing black and several of you have handkerchiefs
There are drinks and refreshments
Everyone chipped in to buy a cheap urn and one of those huge funeral wreaths and a tripod with a tasteful plaque that reads “In Loving Memory of Daichi Sawamura”, compliments of Hisoka
You and Suga lay down the ground rules: “Absolutely ignore Daichi, no matter what. If he starts getting to you, excuse yourself to the restroom so he’ll leave you alone. Try your very best not to laugh, but if you do lose your shit and start laughing, pretend you’re crying really hard. We’re going to keep this up for a half hour, minimum. Or until Daichi starts getting mad, whichever comes first. When (Y/n) gives us the signal, we’ll all turn to Daichi at the same time and yell ‘Happy Birthday!’ What’s the signal, (Y/n)?” “The signal is…CACAW CACAW!”
Daichi comes home from work, expecting a party when he sees everyone’s cars in the driveway and parked along the road. But his big grin falters when he walks through the door and sees everyone moping around, talking in hushed tones about what a great guy he was, just…
KAGS: “Daichi was always so good at pulling people together. He truly was an excellent team captain.”
SUGA, fake-sobbing: “He was my best friend. Oh gods, I already miss him so much!”
DAICHI, his expression knitted in confusion and concern: “Suga. What’s going on? Who died?”
SUGA, fake-sobbing (read: laughing) harder: “It’s like I can still hear his voice…”
TSUKKI: (legit laughs)
COACH UKAI: “Tsukishima, you sick fuck, why are you laughing? This is serious!”
DAICHI, chuckling: “Okay. Alright, I get it. I’m dead ha ha.”
TANAKA, shaking his fist and gritting his teeth with tears in his eyes: “I’ll never be able to forgive myself…”
KIYOKO: “That you didn’t call the receive that day will haunt you for the rest of your life…”
TANAKA: “Savage woman!”
DAICHI: “Yeah, Tanaka. You asshole.”
TANAKA: (buries his face in his hands, racked with laughter guilt)
…Daichi notices the memorial plaque with his police academy photo in it, along with the giant wreath hanging from the fireplace just below where the urn sits on the mantle. He opens it with great curiosity…”REALLY, YOU GUYS? RICE??”
DAICHI’S 4 SURVIVING SIBLINGS: “The best big brother we could’ve ever asked for.” “He always took such great care of us.” “Yes. Made sure we always did our homework and brushed our teeth. It was like having a third parent.” “Maybe that’s why Mom and Dad had so many of us. It really takes a village, doesn’t it?” The others hum in somber agreement. His youngest sister runs to the bathroom when Daichi waves his hand in front of her face.
ASAHI, legitimately crying: “My heart goes out to you and the rest of your family. Daichi was like a brother to me, too.”
NOYA, rubbing Asahi’s back: “There there, Asahi.”
HINATA, putting a comforting hand on your shoulder and handing you his handkerchief: “I am so sorry for your loss, (Y/n). Daichi-san really was such a good man.”
YOU: “Thank you, Hinata. I know I will never find a kinder, more loving boyfriend. And our wedding was only just a few weeks awayyyyyy…” you trail off, laugh-crying into the handkerchief
DAICHI, smirking, turning the tables a bit: “You’re in so much trouble, sweetheart. Faking your fiancé's death like this? Seems you’re the one getting the birthday spankings tonight.”
EVERYONE: (shoulders shaking from violently sob-laughing)
TSUKKI, shaking his head: “That’s too bad, (Y/n). You might’ve at least found solace in Sawamura’s badass pension if he’d just waited a little longer to die…”
DAICHI: “Alright, guys, that’s enough! The jig is up! Little Miss Corpse Fucker over here has blown your cover!”
YOU, through tears: “CACAW CACAW!”
EVERYONE, losing their shit: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAICHI!”
DAICHI, hugging everyone: “I have the best worst friends a guy could ever want.”
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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