#diaryblr

1 out of 6

I stole a lighter once when I was walking around Hemlocke with some "friends" at the gas station. I tucked it in my sleeve since I had a bunch of layers on. A bunch of layers similarly to right now. I used that lighter to burn through the window screen, I had to blow it out but it made it easier to slit and rip that weird fabric. I went to their room, took one last look at my mom’s sleeping form, debated, then I slipped out, walked down the driveway, walked around, went uphill, then slid into the apple orchards.

It was all because of everything that happened, after the hospital I just felt restless. Restless and unable to explain myself. I had so many chances to just leave, but I didn’t. I should have. On December 14th 2007 I had drunk Dayquill in an attempt to well, y’know. I told Rhett and the very next day he snitched on me, I ran away with some friends after school. I don’t feel like talking about it now, I have loads of time later and I can just explain it all later to pass some time. Bye.

pros of being a housewife while disabled & neurodivergent & mentally fucked (as well as just other personal pros because ramble list time!)

♡ routine!!! routines i can build and maintain myself, while also having the outside motivation from wanting to make my husband happy!

♡ housework can be a mindful ritual & not a rushed chore that feels overwhelming. moving = less stuff at first so its less to go thru and make a mess of, and easier to clean. and moving into a cleaner house hopefully should help me stay motivated to clean

♡ less of a need to deal with the outside issues for the most part, no anxiety inducing awkward social interactions as often (unless dr appointments or shopping lol)

♡ speaking of appointments since he has better insurance than me thru his job i will get on better health insurance as well! and hopefully that makes it easier to cover a new better wheelchair, silver ring finger splints, as well as meds and stuff in general. because of his job i also have access to new good doctors and specialists as well ^w^

♡ husband working & his parents working = personal time to reset my brain from social interaction which is a must in my life (we are not having kids because both our genetic issues + just don't want kids so i will have the time :3)

♡ alone time also gives me the ability to not mask and let loose a lil bit more than i can living with my parents since i am never really ALONE alone in the house, so i can stim or tic loud without feeling embarrassed or can let out frustration in whatever way that feels good without concerning other ppl

♡ he will buy me things i want and not just need uwu (i get guilty asking for tooooo much but he tells me to shush and we will budget things)

♡ since i am the one home the most i get to make our bedroom more of my own space, and i can just shape the sensory world around me to be the most comforting and safe, especially to self regulate after a huge life change

♡ i can integrate my medical needs into my regular homemaking schedule to make it accessible, at my own pace, and making sure stuff gets done properly. especially for my nutrition as i eat organic mainly & he is normie and eats everything so i gotta not cheat on unhealthy stuff too much, and i also get to cook healthy things for my love! i will make his favorite foods more healthy hehe

♡ romantic domesticity in general but especially as a form of self expression!!!!! wearing cute aprons & dresses when doing chores (also helps even just having the apron as that will = productive mode), learning to cook all his favorite foods, making sure to put his laundry in the dryer for work late @ night when he too tired & needs to sleep, taking care of him & him taking care of me in general. i wanna take care of him just as much as he would care for me while i am in a bad flare up

♡ submission as safety & not subjugation: i see the submit to ur husband thing as trusting him to protect and provide for me, and help leading me on the right path and making sure i get what's good for me. it feels both freeing & structured in a way that makes my brain happy hehe, and i know he will keep me safe always

♡ more excuses to get girly and dolled up and pamper myself in general, cuz i will actually have a reason to lul i get to embrace my feminine side more again especially after detrans-ing it's been awhile of embracing it again. not like i regret my choices or anything (besides maybe taking T at a young age, but i don't exactly regret it either you just can't change some things after even if u were on it for only like 6 months but i appreciate the experience it gave me ^u^ ) but i am just evolving and it feels easier to just follow my sex and not rlly label it & hyperfem stuff just is fun xD and existing thru the lens of gender roles of a wife feels soft and gentle and safe and just yay

♡ i am home and have space so i am safe to regulate as i need to however i need to, if i have a rage attack most of the time i dont need to worry about witnesses xD but even if my husband or his parents were home they would understand, they know about my neuro issues and imma make a care sheet for that sorta thing

♡ i get to spend my life with the person i love and wanna care for forever, who loves me back for who i am & i wouldn't have it any other way