#depressiveepisode

So yeah I don’t even know if anyone’s gonna even see this really but I just need to vent to someone and seems as I don’t wanna upset the balance within my friendship group I thought you guys (if there’s anyone seeing this) would be a more sympathetic audience for the ramblings of a 29 year old gay man with manic depression 🤗 social anxiety 🤗 and the icing on the cake is I’m GAY 🏳️‍🌈 there is a point to this but I thought getting that part out the way would be easier done first...

So lately I’ve been feeling rather godamn shitty... well not shitty... more like there’s been a void inside me where my emotions should be... all in all a manic depressive episode fit for anyone... pretty sure there’s a song out there somewhere that says “the pills don’t work, they just make you worse” and I kinda agree.... well they don’t make me worse they just keep the episodes more spread apart but then when they hit they bear hug the fuck outta me....

Well this particular mother fucker has been going on for 6 weeks... and now today I’ve had what felt like a normal day... all be it I was hungover to hell and back and i looked like absolute shite I went out for food with the family.... then there was work... oh joy of joys... social media policy tellls me that I’m not allowed to tell you where but it’s like hell but hotter... nothing knocks you back down to earth like being overworked, underpaid and kinda paranoid that they’re trying to give you the proverbial boot.... I just need to get that off my chest because right now I’m just so tired... tired of not being okay... but it’s okay not to be okay but this episode seems to be lasting like a mother fucker and I’m fed up of feeling like I’m living a dream where in I can’t wake up and feel life around me, now I’m just sort of surviving, not caring... just a ghost... and its kinda hurting... it’s weird as fuck and as I’m sat here now at 1:28am at the time of writing this exact sentence.

And I’m not saying I feel better because it’s not gonna just snap... but I can sort of feel the presssure lifting off my chest... just enough to think I might actually make it through tomorrow alive...

Some time ago, while I was dealing with a very dark depressive episode, I was walking through a long corridor in a hotel I was staying in. As a matter of fact, the corridor was longer and bigger than the entire block I was living in back then, I didn’t expect it to be like that. However, I had to keep wandering through a corridor after corridor looking for that one room I was staying in. I can confirm that the best part of that so-called journey was when I eventually got to reach my room. At that instant time, I abruptly loved the idea of corridors. It alarmed me how they seem like they never end, but they eventually do.

I couldn’t help but compare the idea of corridors to my agony, I felt like it perfectly sums it up. And I’m not gonna lie, I loved the idea. And I still live up to it.

I’m still waiting for the moment I eventually reach my room; where I can find the arms that would want to hold me, and allow me to rest.

I love corridors

I love to believe that there is a strong resemblance between corridors and my agony

My agony keeps going and going and going

But eventually...

Eventually, it will end.

♡ ничего не чувствую.

♡ панические атаки с каждым днем случаются все чаще, а галлюцинации забавляют все сильнее.(ГЛАВНОЕ НЕ ПОДДАВАТЬСЯ НА ПРОВОКАЦИИ)

яркие цвета в глазах мешают сосредоточиться и трезво мыслить,не могу спать.

♡ во время галлюцинаций все становится ярко малиновым , как-будто феи надевают на меня очки с розовыми стеклышками.

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