#dedzidi

She had me at Mexican food.

Born in Houston, Kelly Needham knows what good Mexican food is like - she had been “spoiled with the good stuff,'' even. So, when visiting her well-meaning friends in Nebraska, they took her to the best Mexican restaurant in town, she knew she was settling for something… Mexicanish.

Here as a native Californian in New England, a similar sentiment comes over me time and time again. Try as they might, many of the restaurants here are not able to deliver the real thing. However sad that picture might already make you, this illustration is meant to show something more profound.

As Kelly uses this story to open up the topic of her book Friend-ish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion (coming out August 27, 2019), her main point is that what we often call friendship in our world is not the real thing. It’s something... friend-ish. In her overarching premise is that we as believers should view friendship as “an irreplaceable gift in the life of a Christian”. And she’s 100% right!

Friendship is a gift, but it is one that has never come easy to me. I’m sure many others can sympathize. When I was seeking some wisdom on friendship a few years ago, Kelly’s blog posts came at just the right time in God’s sovereign plan. So, in my first foray into writing a book review on something that has yet to be released, I also make my first foray into reading a book on friendship. Bear with me - here are my brief thoughts.

Cultural Confusion? Comprehended and Called OUT.

The book hits the nail on the head with the analysis of our culture of friendships. I often am hit with inadequacy (and sinfully, with covetousness) when I observe the closeness of other women in their friendships. That covetousness and inadequacy come from a lingering sinful understanding about what friendship should and shouldn’t be, which Needham works to alleviate.

The book helps reorient several of those key observations as cultural confusion. The acceptance of the friendship of the world, which has seeped somewhat into American Christianity, obscures its marriage-mimicry, selfishness, and a replacing of Jesus, as three of the chapters explain. Especially when the book talks about the subconscious (or conscious) covenants that friends make with one another, when friendship really something that is not binding and relatively ever-changing.

In reading her cultural analysis, I often found myself “Amen-ing” from the metaphorical choir loft. No longer are these things marks of true friendship I should desire. Instead, they are marks of counterfeit friendship that I should toss aside.

Christ our Friend? Some Things Left Unsaid.

I felt it was incomplete, however, in its theological unpacking of what it means for we believers to have friendship with God. More pointedly, Jesus is our Friend. But why and how did that come to be?

Jesus is rightly presented as Savior, Mediator, Shepherd, Satisfaction, Judge… but there isn’t a clear mention of Him as Lord in the context on roles that our friendships often play. As such, I also wish there was a look at the passage of John 15:15-16 in which Christ ties together His title of Lord and friend so… well... masterfully:

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and [that] your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.

I believe that understanding Jesus Christ our Lord and that He called us, His chosen slaves, into friendship with Him would have offered a clearer, more robust connection between some of her imperatives and arguments that come later in the book. The more practical chapters of her book still prove to be practical without those mentions, but I know how much I’ve benefited from reflecting on Jesus as Lord when it comes to friendship. I hope others can do the same, too.

--

Though I think there are some areas of the book which would have benefited from a little more unpacking and/or refinement, I still think that this, being Kelly’s first book, can serve as a useful tool as you ever examine the friendships in your life. As I’ve read Kelly’s articles on her website as well as places Desiring God and Revive Our Hearts, something always proves to be helpful to take away.

We do need to stop to recognize friendship as the gift that it truly is. I know I’ve already found this book, Friend-ish useful as I have examined how I do friendship these past couple months. This book, like Kelly’s articles, came at just the right time in God’s sovereign plan. But, as with any Christian book I read, no matter what book is it, I’m reminded to use it a menu to point me to a meal consisting of the Word of God.

For those of you that were children during the Disney Pixar heyday of the early 2000‘s, I’m sure you remember going to theaters and watching the story of an endearing clownfish father and son duo, Marlin and Nemo. (*spoiler alert* for those of you who aren’t in the know) Do you remember the pangs of grief when Nemo got separated from his father, who then dramatically and valiantly journeys all the way to Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia to find him? Who knew fish could tell such a riveting story! A few weeks ago, as I was reminiscing about this movie, my mind flashed back to the scene where Marlin and Dory finally locate the fish tank in the dentist office where Nemo had been living. Yet, the reunion was threatened by the infamous fish killing Darla. Nemo thought he could escape her grasp play dead in this bag and get flushed down the toilet. Instead, he was vigorously shaken by Darla to put some life in him - “WAKE UP, FISHY,” she says. Darla is delusional. Darla is frightening. And sometimes... Darla is me. Yes - Darla is me as I shake the bag of my seemingly dead or sleeping “love life” and yell with imaginary headgear and all, “WAKE UP!” hoping that by some measure of effort, it will be shaken from sleep (or resurrected from the grave). Ridiculous, right? “Gone fishing,” more like, “fishing gone wrong.” I never thought I would be drawing comparisons between Finding Nemo and my life... but yet here we are. I also never thought I’d be writing something about singleness (and my singleness at that) for the world to see but, again... here we are. However, as I’ve been comparing my life and examining my heart against the Scriptures this summer to look for more ways to be transformed by the renewing of my mind and made into the image of Christ, it seems like something like this was inevitable. When I look and think like Darla, I “conform to the world”, trying to give life to something that I do not, should not, and can not control. When I think more like Christ, I, Dedzidi, whose aim is to be “transformed by the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:2), try and give glory to God who does, should, and can control my life as the Holy Sovereign Creator that He is for all. Moreover, as a believer, who has trusted in God through the Lord Jesus Christ, I also have been reconciled to and know Him as a Gracious Father that works all things for His glory and for my good (Romans 8:28-30). So, here I am, letting a little bit of my life get out in the open, to let you know that maintaining contentment in singleness is not a walk in the park, for many people, including me. Lest you think that I for whatever reason am floating on clouds, it is work, pretty hard work, as is the whole Christian life. But do you know what makes it easier, what makes me able to grow in my ability to persevere with joy, to be content in my circumstances, to submit to the Lord’s current plan for my life, to obey Him above all else? The truth. 

Here are a few truths I’ve been thinking about over the past few years, this summer… basically my whole life in Christ. So though there’s a possibility the Lord might be preparing me for marriage…

… I have 100% certainty that I will fail at being content in singleness on my own strength. 

I know that because I have failed at being content in so much else. Before I believed in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ, my quest for contentment was futile. I either thought myself able to sustain my happiness by myself and by believing in myself or in other things. 

Saying I put my hope in the wrong place would be an understatement. With my inherent sinful nature, I “worshipped the creature rather than the Creator” and with every action, attributed honor and thanks to anything other than God (Romans 1:21, 25).

But God opened my eyes to my futile speculations and changed my darkened, foolish heart into a heart of flesh finally enabled to please Him, to be at peace with Him (Romans 5:1).

Even now, as a believer, I struggle daily to grow in contentment in all areas of my life. Though saved because Christ’s death on the cross paid for my sin, justified me in the eyes of God, and enables me to be righteous and godly in my everyday, contentment is still something I will fail at if I attempt to go it alone. I’m grateful to have learned early on in my faith from the example of Paul:

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phillipians 4:11-13)

Paul, at that moment, though in chains, though in great need, learned to be content in anything and everything through Christ. He could withstand the discontent, be strengthened through suffering, be satisfied when in need, in Christ. Lest you think this verse refer to anything else, in Christ we are continually strengthened in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and always for “better”, never for “worse”. If singleness is what He has for me, I know that He will be enough. (And I can’t do it any other way).

... I have 100% certainty that God’s plan for my life might not line up with my plan for my life.

“I know I’m going to get married.”

I hear statements like that somewhat often from single women referring to themselves, or from others referring to me. I’m sure that even if I haven’t said it aloud, I’ve thought that such a statement in my mind. I know, you might mean well, and I can’t speak to others’ motives, but I can speak to mine. Thoughts like that, once viewed through the lens of Scripture must be taken with a large grain of salt. 

Though you or I might have the desire to be married, there’s no promise, no “writing on the wall” that anything I desire for this life, let alone marriage, is guaranteed. A passage in the book of James, full of practical wisdom on what it means to not only persevere in trial, but to be “doers of the word” gets at the heart of what these statements often reveal:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. (James 4:13-16, emphasis mine)

Instead of making plans for your tomorrow, submit your plans to the Lord for His today (James 4:7; Psalm 118:24). Submission to the Lord’s will is something that must happen in full, not in part. Yes, thinking and planning for what tomorrow could be is not foolish, but wise. However, when we purport our perceived sovereignty over God’s, we show immense pride in the face of a God, who ultimately “directs our steps” though we may “plan [our] ways” (Proverbs 16:8). What “the Lord wills” for you as part of His sovereign plan could or could not include a spouse, a move to a new city, a successful career. Be reminded that He, indeed, is the One who gives and takes away.

… I have 100% certainty I’m called to grow in my ability and desire to love Him wholeheartedly and to love others.

So, what has this Sovereign One given us to do? As is often quoted, He has called us to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and secondly, to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37, 39). But what does this love look like? Christ unveils this to His disciples in John 14:

"He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him. ... If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me.” (John 14:21, 23-24, emphasis mine)

This love of God is not lip service, but true obedience to the word of Christ and, therefore, the Word of God. It involves not only having the commandments, but keeping them. As with learning contentment, this is a task that none of us can do on our own strength. The very one who tasks us with keeping His word keeps us. God comes to us!

Though this obedience begins inwardly in our hearts with God’s hand, it ends outwardly in our actions to other people. With other brothers and sisters in Christ, it looks a lot like Ephesians 4 through 5:21, which starts out:

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ... for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:1-3, 12-13)

It means that you should strive to use the gifts that the Lord has given you to serve other believers for their benefit and not your own, to live and grow alongside a local group of like-minded believers to grow in maturity together.

With those outside of the body of believers, it looks like holding your main calling in high esteem:

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:20, emphasis mine)

If your focus has been dead set on seeing that you fulfill the targeted directives in Ephesians 5:22-24… well, you’ve missed the mark. You may consciously or subconsciously think that the role you were born to play is future wife, future mother, future grandmother. However, as Christians, we must remember what is of first importance - we are present and constant slaves of Christ, constant stewards of the gospel, in all life stages and in all circumstances. So, “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called” (Ephesians 4:1). Keeping your focus on understanding what is “worthy of [that] calling” will likely prepare your heart for whatever comes next.

… I have 100% certainty that He’s preparing me for eternity.

As believers, we may not have the plans of today or tomorrow to trust in, but we can be assured that what comes next is not only eternity, but eternal life. John 3:16 says, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” 

The Bible tells us more about this eternal life that those who believe that “He gave His only begotten Son” looks like. We await a bevy of promises given by God in His sovereign grace and abundant mercy to those whom He has chosen as His own:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to [obtain] an inheritance [which is] imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (1 Peter 1:3-5, emphasis mine)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18, emphasis mine)

At its heart, though this eternal life brings all these promises, may we have great joy in knowing what eternal life really is:

“This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” (John 17:3, emphasis mine)

Though we look forward to an eternal inheritance, to future glory, what we will have no longer in part but the whole is an intimate and deep knowledge of the One who created us, the One who sustains us, the One who saved us. What a blessing it is that we can now spend our lives growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 3:18)! 

But… how exactly can we do that? Paul connects what is heavenly to what is earthly this way:

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. (Colossians 3:1-2)

In keeping our eyes and motives heavenward, we can continue to get better at resting in the guaranteed eternal promises of God and, most importantly, in God alone.

It can be a hard pill to swallow that nothing on this earth, even a good thing like marriage, is guaranteed. But the reality is that God is still good and still is faithful no matter what our lives may look like. May I continue to be less and less fearful about the future, whatever it may look like. Instead, humble myself and cast my anxieties on the One who truly cares for me (1 Peter 5:6-7).

PS - I would be remiss if I don’t say that it is practical to seek wisdom on marriage before you get married. As I also try and remind myself, I would also be remiss to look at marriage as a “level up” from singleness. I did not, because I cannot scratch the surface on this topic, but whether in it for a season, or for a lifetime, learn along with me that it is wholly good and wholly satisfying for those to whom it is given by God to some for His glory and for the benefit of all believers. 

References and Recommended Resources:

As we celebrate a formal declaration of independence in the United States, I declare… my ultimate dependence.

Pretty interesting personal declaration, you’d say. Why not, “my independence,” “my freedom,” “my liberty”? Or you might say, I totally get it. Through this cultural hierarchy, we marginalized people are not figuratively, but actually oppressed by the systemic ills of the world and by those who succeed through their privileges.

But, no.

On the contrary, these past few months have brought me into greater recognition of the fact that I am a should be a humble, obedient, dependent, willing slave... of God. ---

At the beginning of this year, I somehow resolved to be more keenly aware of what it means to grow in my constant obedience to God. I think we often can separate the bad from the good, the wrong from the right quite easily. However, at least to me, this desire to be more thoughtful, more fervent and more active obedient to please God meant (and means) something more. 

Charles Spurgeon is helpfully quoted in saying, “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” This quote points to the fact that knowing right from wrong is not the main piece of growing in wisdom and therefore growing in obedience, but sifting through seemingly good things and crystallizing our knowledge of what is right.

Since all believers regardless of gifting are charged together to, in short, attain “the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man” and to “grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ” (Ephesians 4:13-15), it is our responsibility to “no longer be like children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine”, “move past what’s elementary” and “press onto maturity” in this way (Ephesians 4:14; Hebrews 6:1).

With the help of the Holy Spirit and with the help of fellow believers, I had and have been working to discern the right and almost right in my heart, soul, mind, and strength so I could love God more fully with all of my faculties and, therefore, serve Him wholeheartedly with all of my faculties.

This meant persisting past the black and white commands, but entering the gray and discerning what His revealed will for my life, that is my sanctification (1 Thessalonians 4:3) and what that looks like practically. It meant resolving to try and please the Lord in everything, even though answers didn’t (and don’t ever) shine down like a beacon. This meant say yes to more and more opportunities that came my way to glorify Him, since everything is (1 Corinthians 10:31).

As I examined my heart I was struck with this reality, that deferred obedience is disobedience. That even as a believer, this concept of freedom that we are presented with in places like Galatians 5:1 doesn’t mean that we can let unfulfilled, future desires take the place over our call to be obedient now.

But, why?

In God’s sovereignty, I’ve been working through two things with lovely ladies that are helping to cement the why. The book of Romans and the book Slave by John MacArthur have helped me learn (and relearn) that I am a slave of God.

Romans 6:16-18 says it this way:

Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness? But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that from of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you because slaves of righteousness.

If you confess Christ as your Lord and Savior, you must first come to grips with the fact that you were a slave to sin, resulting in death. But something is oft left out, maybe because of the cultural implications of slavery, but mostly because of our ever-lingering pride. We Christians, we aren’t free to roam like the buffalo. This type of freedom, which is often spoken of, is not the freedom that we actually have. Because we are slaves “of obedience resulting in righteousness”. As it says earlier in Romans 6 and in Romans 5, for our sanctification, we become slaves of this perfect faithful Master who orchestrated our redemption from the slavery of sin in the first place through the death and resurrection of His Son.

Because of His death on the cross and His resurrection, I’ve died to sin and am alive with Him in the likeness of His resurrection (Romans 6:5). This means, that though I’m not free to sin, I’m free in regards to sin and its power and guilt over me. That freedom is more than I could ever imagine. Even more, this means that I’m able to obey, something I couldn’t do on my own accord.

The reality is that Christian life is one of slavery, of complete submission to God and complete obedience to His commands and purposes. But how often do you and I let this theological reality guide my life? It’s a difficult pill to swallow and it can pushed to the back to collect dust in our minds. But may I, and may you, continually wipe off the dust and put this in full view like it belongs.

2016 was a year of survival for me. 

In January 2016, the Lord picked me up by my bootstraps and taught me personally, solidified through reading the Word, how marvelously and how perfectly He sustains, strengthens, and protects those who find refuge in Him. In December 2016, I started my time off from work and at home seeking to reflect and grow from the same thing.

In 2017, I’m not going to lie, I’m probably going to need that again (ngl homies ngl), but I’m ready for the Lord to embolden me to work more consistently for His kingdom.  The Lord has equipped me with knowledge of Him that, long story short, has changed my life for the better, such that the only appropriate response is to worship, praise, and obey Him.

Follow through. This is the verb I’m using to characterize the attitude I want God to cultivate in my heart, to then control my actions, to quell my often anxious, hesitant response and move myself rooted in Christ more confidently to action. 

A reflection on a semester year in this place I’ve called home.

For once, it doesn’t feel like my life is chopped into semester-long pieces, and finally it feels like one whole year has elapsed. It is very crazy to think that it is almost 2015, and I have been going to school in Ithaca since August 2012. I passed by my freshman dorm last week and although it seems so familiar, it seems just as far away because I’m in that awkward middle stage called Junior Year, officially 3 semesters away from graduating.

When I came back to Cornell for Year 3, I arrived with a mission to change people’s perceptions of me – very selfish, and kind of prideful, yeah… I know. However, my experiences over the spring semester and summer made me more aware of who I am in the eyes of our great God, and I felt like many people didn’t see the person that now stood in front of me as I gazed into a mirror, and most importantly, that person that decided to trust the Lord with everything and in everything, even if it meant letting things go.

Yes, I adjusted my priorities a bit this semester, but that didn’t immediately change my heart. And so I asked something strange of God this semester – that He do the hard work of sanctifying me endlessly. That is where the real change began. He made me realize how so much of my struggles and sin come from the busy-ness. My activities made me complacent and okay with only being there physically to save face instead of being fully invested spiritually. There is so much more to being present than just showing up. My lack of passion for the cause of Christ was because when I was with the Lord, I had nothing left to give.

So, I devoted more of my time and of my heart to ministry. This semester, I started co-leading a small group of freshman girls in learning about the gospel that changed my life. Each meeting was a learning experience for them, but also reminder of my own inadequacies. I thought that explaining the gospel and seeing growth would be so simple given my “expertise” in the Word of God. But every week was a reminder that I am simply the sower. I have to trust God that the truths displayed with impact their hearts and strengthen my ladies’ understanding of His Word. But my trust in His saving and sanctifying work has brought good things to my group without question, and has made me love them all so much more.

On the other hand, it meant I had to embrace hard changes in other aspects of my life, some things of which I still don’t necessarily understand the repercussions just yet. But I know it all has occurred according to God’s great purpose, and in His grace, I am still somewhat valued in the upheaval. I have gotten to know some people better, others less, but in the midst of it all, one thing still remains. He made me aware of so many of my own injustices and my insecurities, but, overall, He made me ever aware of how much I need Him over anything and in everything. Throughout the trials of this semester, the one thing that has remained steadfast is my dependence on our great God.

I felt like this needed to be shared with the masses so that I can be accountable with more people than myself.

1. BE FOCUSED: Every day, I will have 2 hours of study time in the library with exceptions when I have an event of sorts. It's really important to me that learning doesn't just happen through my friendships, but in my classes. There's a lot to be learned about life in academia, and I think I've lost sight of some of that.

2. BE UNPLUGGED: With that, every day, I will have at least 2 hours where I will be unplugged from the world, unless there is an emergency that has to be dealt with. We live in a fast-paced world, but it is not okay for me to be glued to my technology 24/7. Life got along just fine without it all, why can't we have a few hours without it. 3. BE MERRY: Although I'm definitely going to have a different perspective on academics, that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the last 2 years I have at Cornell. I have such a beautiful campus to explore and such a diverse student body to encounter. I have to remember to lift my face out of my books and face the world, too. 4. BE INTENTIONAL: Friendships don't grow on their own. God has placed some interesting characters in my life and, through conversations and community, I will continually grow. 5. BE AVAILABLE: I must make myself available not only with my time, but emotionally. Having a wall up in every aspect of myself is harmful to everyone, especially myself.

Think of these as guidelines, not by which to live, but to help continue a life of truly living. A life to be. And, remember, in everything, keep looking up. Remember the Lord - always consider what He's done.

 I am marked: I have shirt and nametag to wear to prove it. It's more than just a way for us to gather together when we reach our destination, but a way for the organization to be represented.

I am not mentally prepared: If you've talked to me in the last couple weeks, I definitely keep on forgetting I'm going on this trip... awko-taco, but when I do remember...

I am ready: I have what I need, and I'm so ready for something new. I love California and all, but being in the same place for such a long time, you lose a great sense of awareness. Through traveling, I hope to regain a clear awareness of the beauty of the DR!

I am ready to be humbled: Today, I was telling someone about my trip and she doesn't even know, but she set me straight. I don't think that any amount of posts about the history, religion, and culture of the country will really prepare me for what He's going to do to my heart. 

I am real: Every day is a reminder of how the things of this world are real in that they will soon pass away. I am real and growing older and passing away. Hey, it's true! Just thought I'd end with that. (: