04. entry made after experiencing a nightmare. ( for kim mayhaps? :0 )
DEAR DIARY... // always accepting!!!
poised vertically among a dozen and a half of its brothers on a shelf that is not cramped, but in equal measure begins to lose its space, is a notebook. hands pluck it out by the top ridge along the well-made blue spine, the skin of it covered carefully in a deep navy, the papers a pristine white. inside, the handwriting is dense and thick and fast, bunched together on each line, a code with it's cipher in the language itself. it has not sat here long. the date on the inner cover like the notice of an eviction in black, fluid pen; '50 - '51.
you open it. its pages rustle as though a guarded cage has been opened, rendered vulnerable, almost meek despite the intimidation of straight iron and pressed paper, rustling like a snarl. you sit with it, you learn it, it learns you. it is uncomfortable with what is asked of it. you ask anyway.
you reach back into the memory it holds. it gives way, like sticking your hand in the guts of a soft oily thing, or jello, reaching for a pearl in a clam-shell.
━ I have had more nightmares in the past two weeks than I have in four months. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Maybe the stress is getting to me. Seeing the recently deceased is never good for your health, but I can't afford to take leave. If I did, all the ground I'd been covering my entire career will be torn out from under me. I'm lucky. I think it's more than just the corpses.
I keep watching him die. There is blood drawn. Kortenaer aims higher. Shoots. The bullet ruptures his liver as a virulent bomb inside of him. he is unconscious after an unimaginably painful half-second. Someone shouts. I panic. I attempt to stop the bleeding. I do not see de Paule. She aims. Shoots. I wake up in the 57th infirmary. I am forced to ask what happened to him instead of being told. I am informed there was nothing they could do, dead within the two days I am unconscious, an excruciating death as the liver and gallbladder poisons his bloodstream even as the bleeding stops. I do not get to see him again. I do not even know if there is a funeral held. The trial never happens. They were gone. We remained. I remain.
The dream changes often, sometimes being so abstract as if only pertaining to the color of his existence or Martinaise itself, but the point remains the same. somewhere in Jamrock, another little light blinks out.
This hasn't happened since Eyes, and never this constant.
I wish I could call him.
I don't know. I'm tired. I want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him again. It's late. He'd answer.
The ink is allowed to dry for a long, long time. the pearl is clutched in your right hand. your reaching the end, oblivion, always cut short.
I'm going to work on the Kineema. I can't really, the only thing to do is something to I want to do with him, but an unnecessary tune-up is enough to keep my hands busy.
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@deathwis sent: 025. an abandoned scrapyard . // seems dale and tylercore methinks ... / accepting!
“one day, i’m gonna build a car,” announces dale, obscured by the heap of scrap he’s digging around in. but he’s quick to poke his head around, level tyler with an extremely serious look. “i’m serious, yanno. that’s why we’re here. to get enough crap and start building an engine.” he knows, deep in his heart of hearts, that tyler wouldn’t ever say no to one of dale’s schemes. wouldn’t ever question dale’s ability to build a car like he says he’s gonna. he’s just gonna stick around and rustle through the junk for any shit that’s salvageable. “we’ll rig it up so it can really rip through the streets. fast as lightning.” dale chuckles, a sort of peaceful joy touching his expression. “you found anythin’ yet? people throw all sorts of shit out, all perfectly good stuff.”
@deathwis sent: “i remember your bare feet, down the hallway.” ( song lyrics, red tv pt 5 ) » dennis to anthony ,, rockstar may be getting sentimental <3 afjakdk / accepting!
the statement gets a chuckle out of anthony, soft and pained like nostalgia always seems to be for him. there’s always a sinking feeling that accompanies him these days when he thinks too hard about it — how the best years of his life have passed him by, and there’s nothing left for him but decline. if he thinks about it too much, he’ll definitely go crazy, so he chooses to keep his mind elsewhere — on dennis, usually, sometimes on tanya. megan always seems to remind him of centuries-old guilt, mistakes he doesn’t know how to undo and mistakes that can never be unmade. so he looks over to dennis with that tired smile he always seems to have reserved for the rockstar (more tired these days, it’s been a rough couple months).
“when we were kids,” he adds fondly. “or, i guess i was a kid — you were twelve years old, basically an adult — remember how you used to rub that in my face?” that’s not the only thing dennis rubbed in his face, though — adolescent armpits getting rudely shoved in anthony’s space just to prove a point come to mind, but anthony had never minded it. anything was a sign that he was getting closer to his new roommate, that this place was going to be one he belonged in. and he and dennis had relaxed into each other, taking solace in the other’s breathing (anthony’s sometimes interrupted with his chronically light sleep, dennis’ raspy from years of smoking). it’s something anthony’s always taken so much pride in, so much comfort. dennis, his roommate. dennis, the star of whatever stage he takes. dennis, his cruel saviour and the only god he’d execute himself for.
whether dennis responds to that or not, anthony keeps talking, poisoned by the familiarity and needing to fill the empty space with something. “i miss it, you know? sharing a room, being able to turn around and you’re right there. i don’t know how it all fell apart, but i’m glad you’re here right now.” he chuckles, and when he raises the bottle to his lips, he catches a glimpse of a withering hand, wrinkled and old, clad in a blue uniform he lives and sleeps in. but the light in this dingy apartment is dim, and dennis looks the same as he always has — has to be a trick of the light, he’s seeing things. “you should invite tanya sometime, too. it’s great to see you two together — finally, right?” that’s why he and dennis aren’t close anymore, after all, why tanya is never around to ruffle his hair and call him her baby brother. it happened a couple months after january, them deciding to just up and move out, making their relationship public like dennis had always wanted. …or something like that; his memory is a little fuzzy, and he keeps remembering something about tanya swinging from a harsh wind.
he offers dennis the warm beer he’d been drinking, realizing suddenly that he should be more hospitable and pretending as if he doesn’t miss the moments where the two of them could swap spit in the dark of their bedroom and no one knew a thing. that’s always going to be their dirty little secret now that dennis has chosen her. “want some?”
@deathwis asked: [ txt ] bottom pride ( sentence starters: random shit i’ve said and thought about saying pt 2 ) » from dennis *eye roll* / accepting!
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🔥 and one fire symbol just for the heck of it. free space, go off about whatever!!
send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion. / accepting!
THE INEVITABLE LEGACY DISCRIMINATION POST.
i was gonna make a meta on this but i’ve decided that actually this is the perfect opportunity to Get Into It tm. so for those of you who do not know, i have long theorized about legacies being an oppressed group in the percy jackson series (notably in heroes of olympus, since that’s where they get introduced). this obviously influences the way i write octavian, since he is a legacy, and it’s also why i generally dislike the “what if octavian was actually a demigod all along!” posts. i think it kind of... takes away from what his character means. so let’s get into what’s going on with legacies, and why i have the unpopular opinion that they’re discriminated against. please note that i haven’t read trials of apollo, so i don’t really take anything from that.
okay, so i’m going to split this up in two. the first part is the meta stuff: like how the author actually crafted the narrative to make legacies seem inherently bad, evil, and unworthy. and the second part is the in-universe stuff: about how, systemically, things seem to work when it comes to legacies and why.
i do want to start off by saying that legacies are inherently less cool than demigods. from a storytelling perspective, legacies are more able to blend in in public without getting targeted by monsters for their godly blood, they’re less likely to have cool powers, and they have no ingrained sense of being able to read greek/latin texts and no hardwired battle instincts like demigods have. so... they’re just not as fun to write. but if it was just about there not being many legacies at all, i’d probably write it off as a decision made to appease a younger audience with flashy powers and cool light shows. but i think what makes this interesting is the introduction of biased narration and villainization of existing legacies.
let’s start off with biased narration. what quickly marks octavian as a villain is the narration from percy, hazel, and frank, all of whom dislike octavian. even reyna, a certified girlboss tm, does not like octavian. these characters, who are cool people that we like, are sympathetic to us as readers, so when they say octavian is nasty, we’re kind of inclined to believe them. i do think it’s also worth mentioning that people generally don’t hate octavian for, like, starting a war or whatever. it’s almost always that he killed percy’s panda pillow pet, and then (as an afterthought) that he blackmailed hazel into voting for him for praetor (which she didn’t even do). it’s also interesting how demigod villains who do similar things (like drew using charmspeak to get everyone to elect her the leader of the aphrodite cabin) does not get her widespread death threats or even much in the way of talk about her not inherently being deserving of the position she has. but i’m getting ahead of myself here. biased narration makes octavian seem more insidious than he is by describing him as “crazed” or whatever. but there’s a stronger example of biased narration during the war games, when gwen is stabbed by a pilium from the first cohort. it’s stated in the previous chapter that percy had knocked octavian unconscious, and percy’s strategy did include stealing people’s piliums. it’s entirely possible that someone picked up someone else’s pilium and stabbed gwen with it. what’s absolutely certain, though, is that octavian would not and could not have murdered her. for one thing, it goes completely against his moral code as a roman, which is something octavian adheres to extremely strictly. roman law is very important to him, and there’s no reason why he’d break protocol to kill some random centurion. but since he was unconscious, it literally actually rules him out. and the pilium, by the way, was not octavian’s. if you go to the actual chapter, you’ll see that frank noticed it was a pilium from the first cohort, and then immediately checked only octavian to see if he had his. which he didn’t. so octavian was blamed for this, and the setup begins to show octavian as some crafty manipulator who kills people for fun and profit.
and then we come to our only other named legacy: bryce lawrence. oh boy! our only two legacies being two people who are widely considered to be dangerous, violent, and sociopathic? it’s almost like there’s a narrative being constructed here about legacies being a danger to the superior group! like, was bryce lawrence constructed to be an awful bad guy for nico to kill so that we wouldn’t care that he kills octavian? yes. but also in the story itself, he’s a character that’s pretty much cherry-picked to be like: oh no, a really mean legacy! just like octavian! if bryce were a demigod, it would have had the exact same narrative point, but since he’s a legacy, it perpetuates that same, legacies are expendable, they’re power-hungry, they need to die rhetoric going on. i also do think it was a deliberate choice that bryce’s backstory is that he was exiled for murdering his centurion in cold blood. it continues to establish that rhetoric of legacies killing others, legacies being dangerous, legacies breaking the rules... legacies needing to be stopped for everyone’s good. it’s a lot, you know?
the final aspect that i’d like to touch on, which i think is a deliberate writing move, is that octavian is the only character whose powers are repeatedly called into question. many, many people have suggested in canon that octavian might be faking his divination powers, something that people generally don’t say for demigod counterparts. it comes back to the idea that legacies don’t usually have special powers, but it also feels very insidious in the sense that it implies that octavian isn’t fit for his job — another thing he regularly gets teased for. like, i cannot stress enough that it is so weird to think about someone walking into the temple and being like “ha-ha! octavian’s doing his job! what a total loser!” but that’s also besides the point. the main thing i wanted to point out was that octavian has been accused a couple times of faking his powers, and this kind of notion that this would make him somehow unfit for his position, like... that the absence of special powers would make him unfit to be augur, when lowkey i doubt a demigod son of apollo who was faking divination powers would face the same kind of scrutiny.
so now that i’ve mentioned some of the narrative stuff, i’d like to point out some of the in-universe systemic stuff, starting with my last point about legacies being lesser than demigods because they don’t have hardwired fighting abilities, demigod features, or special powers. first of all, like, i see you frank, i know you have a Legacy Power tm, but i don’t think that’s very common at all, plus you’re also a demigod, so you have rights. sorry about that. but frank is a very interesting example here, actually, since frank, if you recall, does not have adhd or dyslexia. which means he does not have hardwired fighting abilities nor can he automatically read ancient latin. still, he has a place in camp jupiter because he’s a demigod. another example is annabeth. despite having demigod features like hardwired fighting abilities and the ability to read ancient greek, annabeth has no special powers to speak of. actually, her main talents are learned! pretty much all aphrodite kids are similarly powerless, save for the few special ones with charmspeak. so the question then arises — in a space like camp jupiter, where there are allegedly thousands of legacies all being trained to read ancient latin and to fight effectively, why aren’t more of them making centurion? why aren’t more of them praetors or augurs? why is octavian the only one? (i know in toa, there’s like claudia’s unnamed father, but like fuck you, i seriously cannot handle this. toa is a sin anyway bc the main villain is yet ANOTHER legacy of apollo, like fuck off actually)
i mean, the narrative that legacies have “thinned-out” godly blood is probably a good reason to consider them weaker and inferior, right? like, will actually literally calls octavian anemic, which... yes he probably is anemic, but isn’t it interesting that will insults octavian’s blood, while in the same breath referring to himself as the “real” son of apollo? like, it’s the way that legacies get dehumanized and discredited when demigods never do. truly. even if there’s no systemic discrimination against legacies (which i doubt), there’s definitely unconscious bias at play here.
but! systemic discrimination! let’s talk about that too, since we’re on the subject. i think it happens. i believe that in order to make centurion, there needs to be five years of service and the person must go on a quest. however, this idea that legacies are inherently weaker could lend itself to some bias in picking demigods over legacies for quests. adding this up, it’s then more likely for demigods to meet requirements for becoming centurion, which is the gateway to higher ranks in the camp. like, listen... you can’t tell me that there are thousands of legacies here and literally like four of them in all of history made centurion. like that is so ridiculous. im literally not functioning.
anyway, another take of mine is that octavian is the first legacy to make augur in all of history, and i do think it’s absolutely ludicrous that he’s shooting for praetor. like, yes. octavian is rich and his family has a lot of influence. but i truly don’t think he ever would have made centurion if he hadn’t had those things, let alone being an augur. and while “octavian has friends, most of them bought” (thanks hazel), i think he kind of... needed to resort to methods like that in order to secure a position as prestigious as augur and to even consider trying for praetor. i just don’t think that lifetimes of discrimination and unconscious biases would be dismantled as easy as that. and knowing all this, is it any wonder that everyone wants to kill octavian with their own hands when villains like luke castellan were given the benefit of the doubt until the end? that everyone thinks octavian’s weak, cowardly, manipulative, and dangerous? that at the end of blood of olympus, there’s a ceremony for all the fallen demigods?
considering how much power plays a role in the pjo/hoo series, with all the prevalence placed on power equalling influence, and how the children of the big three are always practically gods themselves, i seriously don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that the inverse is true for legacies. that they’re considered insignificant, unable to effect real change, and ultimately deserving only of being considered collateral instead of heroes.
🔥 for an unpopular opinion abt hmm huxley from hello charlotte !! or lilian, whichever you prefer !!
send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion. / accepting!
ohhhh my god. huxley is not your anime boyfriend. he's not your little meow meow. he's an awful perso
ok. no. let me back up. the crux of this ask is that i do not think huxley should have a spinoff game at all. i don't think he ever should have been a particularly deep character. having him be generally good-intentioned but also oblivious and kind of bad at communicating works very well in the first two games, but the introduction of his whole... plotline in hc3 could have been done much better. of course, i doubt this is something people would agree with, since that particular plotline gives birth to a lot of felix/bennett content, but whatever. i just think that him mentally detaching from q84 and using her corpses as experiment material (or even trying to study her to learn the truth of the world!!!) would make complete sense for him while maintaining that... you know, he's not the nicest person out there. he doesn't do things for morals, he does them for science! but i think hc3 made the change extremely jarring (especially with that random exposition monologue he gave, like, when were we supposed to find out you had rapidly-progressing dementia?? girl??).
i just can't see a spinoff achieving anything but either a) badly humanizing huxley by trying to convince us that kidnapping children and making them into literal addicts so they can work harder (AGAIN, something that was ABSOLUTELY not needed but was included for felix/bennett propaganda) or b) making him out to be much more malicious and downright evil than he was ever supposed to be.