#dearconnor

"Your music isn't sad. I feel like I can feel it softly playing in my chest. Like I could zone out but still realise it's there. "

I'm still learning that I deserve to be treated

With kindness and respect.

To me, love meant someone staying around,

Because I lost so many people when I was young.

Kindness and respect is love.

And now that I've met you,

And nothing has even happened,

I can feel your warmth and kindness and respect,

Like a weight,

It’s been forever! I just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday (missed it by a couple hours) and say that I’m hoping to get back to running these eventually. I adore you lots, and I hope that wherever you are in life in terms of family/friends/relationships, you’re happy and healthy and safe and comfortable. You deserve that much.

I’m reading A Work In Progress (haven’t been caught up, so stressed lately), by the way, and I’m loving it so far. I’m so nostalgic--did you know you’re the first person I ever watched on YouTube? Crazy, right? It’s been amazing to see you come this far. 

Best of luck, and hopefully talk to you more soon. Have a wonderful night/day, and take care.

With love,

Dear Connor,

December 8, 2014. You came out today. 

And I want you to know that I'm so, so proud of you.

I admire that you gathered up the courage to tell all of your fans, your three and a half (or is it more, now?) million subscribers and share a part of yourself that is vulnerable, and afraid. But I'm also extremely proud that you took your time. You didn't let anyone, any haters or simply curious fans pressure you into coming out before you were fully accepting of yourself, which is important too. I'm glad that you're comfortable in your own skin, and that you don't have to hide anymore. I hope I speak for the rest of your fans as well when I say this won't change anything. You are still one of my absolute favorite YouTubers, not to mention just one of my favorite people in general, and I hope you're getting the support you deserve. I know your family is very kind and supportive and I hope friends like Tyler and Troye that have gone through similar processes have been helpful as well. If you need people today, or in the near future, I'm sure you'll have people there, and you'll have me as well, even if you don't really know me.

Honestly, I just want to say that I know today is scary for you, Connor. I know today is full of anticipation and nerves, but in a perfect world, it shouldn't be. It should be a great day for you, maybe even a celebration, and I hope that in some ways it is. You finally get to be you, no more hiding, and that's pretty amazing. Congratulations, Connor. 

With love,

The usual: I’ll try to put this paragraph into each of my own letters: Connor, if you ever come across this blog, I hope that what you find makes you smile. This is run by me with the help of any willing fans of yours, and each of us love you and hope that you’re doing well, whenever you read this. When the letter is from me, the manager of the blog, the signature will always be the same: “With love, a friend” with maybe a few x’s or ♥’s. Other letters will be signed or anonymous from other fans, but I think I’ll remain a mystery for now. My goal isn’t to let you know all about me. My goal is to let you know that even if you don’t know me, you’ve always got a friend in me. 

Hey! So I was in the VIP group at INTOUR yesterday and got to take a couple pictures with you! It's part of my lock-screen collage now. I hope you're doing well and that yesterday wasn't too stressful even though I'm sure you had plenty of fans trying to get to you all day. I tried not to take too long--I didn't bring up my blog or show you my O2L case with your name on it. As much as I'd have loved to spend more time with you, I get that it must be exhausting for you to try and socialize with so many strangers.

That being said, yesterday's show was f(r)antastic! I'm not sure how everything looked from back/sidestage, but I was in the first/second row for about half the show and everything was great. I was super excited I finally got to see Sam Tsui live, and had a blast watching you, Jenn, Ricky and Jc. I didn't know a lot of the other people before yesterday, but now I'll definitely have to check them out. And when Dylan thanked you and Jc for everything my heart almost melted--I wonder if you guys will have a new brotp after that ;)

Well, I just wanted to drop in and say thank you for everything--thanks for being such a great inspiration and role model as always, and for being so kind at the VIP meet up and for taking pictures with me and signing my INTOUR phone case. Take care, Connor. Talk to you soon.

With love,

The usual: I’ll try to put this paragraph into each of my own letters: Connor, if you ever come across this blog, I hope that what you find makes you smile. This is run by me with the help of any willing fans of yours, and each of us love you and hope that you’re doing well, whenever you read this. When the letter is from me, the manager of the blog, the signature will always be the same: “With love, a friend” with maybe a few x’s or ♥’s. Other letters will be signed or anonymous from other fans, but I think I’ll remain a mystery for now. My goal isn’t to let you know all about me. My goal is to let you know that even if you don’t know me, you’ve always got a friend in me. 

I'm trying so hard to get INTOUR VIP tickets, ugh. I might have a soccer game on that day, though, so I'm pretty sure my coach will be extremely pissed at me if I go. And I need someone to go with, since I don't want to go alone. 

Ugh, I want to meet you (again) so badly! Even if it is only for a few seconds or if I'm lucky, a full minute, it's incredible seeing someone you admire in person, and even more amazing to get to hug them and speak to them and take a picture with them. 

How have you been, Connor? I'm afraid I haven't seen or heard much about your life lately, because I haven't been home a lot and I've been freaking out over Tyler's Special Auguest, and worrying about the start of school. Was your senior year stressful? Because I have a feeling mine is going to be, which sucks. I'm happy I've got some great friends in a couple classes, but it still worries me that maybe my schedule is a little too... much.

I guess I might be pushing my luck with all the concert tickets I bought, too. It sort of comes with being a fangirl, spending all my money on stuff like that. Hopefully it'll be worth it. A lot of the shows I'm going to see are on school nights, so... oops.

Take care, Connor. I'll write again soon. 

With love, 

The usual: I’ll try to put this paragraph into each of my own letters: Connor, if you ever come across this blog, I hope that what you find makes you smile. This is run by me with the help of any willing fans of yours, and each of us love you and hope that you’re doing well, whenever you read this. When the letter is from me, the manager of the blog, the signature will always be the same: “With love, a friend” with maybe a few x’s or ♥’s. Other letters will be signed or anonymous from other fans, but I think I’ll remain a mystery for now. My goal isn’t to let you know all about me. My goal is to let you know that even if you don’t know me, you’ve always got a friend in me. 

3 million subscribers, huh? That's incredible, Connor. I'm so proud of you and so happy for you. I feel like it wasn't too long ago that I was smiling my face off. You just tripled that, and I cannot imagine how amazing that must feel. Congratulations. 

So, I saw that you're going to be at INTOUR. I really want to buy tickets to your VIP group, but I'll have to beg my parents. $80 is a lot of money, but I absolutely love you, JC, Ricky, and Jenn, and Sam Tsui, of course. Do you know Sam Tsui? He has an incredible voice and is a singer on YouTube. I guess if you don't know him already, you'll be meeting him soon. 

Just a random question--are you ever going to film a video with Troye or Korey? I know you're really good friends with them and I see you hang out with them and with Tyler all the time. You guys are my four favorite YouTubers, and the thought of any combination of you guys doing a collab together is really exciting! (Or all four of you could do one together. Hint, hint.♥)

Take care, Connor! I'll try to write again soon.

With love, 

The usual: I’ll try to put this paragraph into each of my own letters: Connor, if you ever come across this blog, I hope that what you find makes you smile. This is run by me with the help of any willing fans of yours, and each of us love you and hope that you’re doing well, whenever you read this. When the letter is from me, the manager of the blog, the signature will always be the same: “With love, a friend” with maybe a few x’s or ♥’s. Other letters will be signed or anonymous from other fans, but I think I’ll remain a mystery for now. My goal isn’t to let you know all about me. My goal is to let you know that even if you don’t know me, you’ve always got a friend in me. 

So, Connor, how have you been? I know I just talked to you about three days ago, but I haven't posted a letter on any of my blogs today and I was feeling lonely. So even if I say these letters are for your benefit, I guess maybe they're a little bit for mine, too. 

I finally finished my last day of work today. And yesterday night I updated the themes of these blogs--the sidebar photos are pictures from VidCon. I think yours looks pretty awesome, to be honest. And I also made a personal blog to go along with these, so I can put up stuff that's not just letters. I know this probably isn't a big deal to you, but I personally am excited. 

I wonder what you've been up to. I'm not on twitter a lot, so I don't get many updates on what's going on in everyone's lives. I've seen a couple pictures of you with Hannah Hart and if they're recent, I know you must be having fun. I'm glad you're happy and surrounded by friends, if that's the case. That kind of summer sounds like a dream come true. 

And I guess if that's the case, my summer hasn't been too bad. I've gotten more social lately, even though you would probably think of me as a hermit if you knew me. I go out a couple times a week now, but I'm the kind of person who never used to hang out with my friends, and any sort of social activity for me is somewhat of a miracle. I might go to the beach tomorrow with some friends--Santa Monica, I bet. I've never gone to the beach with my friends, even though I'm a senior in high school. It just dawned on me recently that I have one more year with these people, and it's about time I start spending more of my time with them.

Well, Connor, it's getting late, and I need to finish up a few things if I want to go out tomorrow. Which I do, so unfortunately, that means the end of this letter. I hope you're having a fantastic summer. Take care.

With love,