this thing called life...

If I've given you praise or gratitude in the past year, pls know that I really meant it... And the moments where I let myself let loose, be free...

Sugar is sweeter when you've grown accustomed to a sour taste in your mouth.

To those who genuinely made me feel safe,

To those who sent me into a fit of laughter,

To those who let me expose my sorrows and emptiness?

So disappointing that it’s 2019, I’m 24 years young, and I’m waiting for a boy to call. Oh wait, that’s not the disappointing part, it’s moreso the fact that it’s a boy that I’VE ALREADY BLOGGED ABOUT. It’s Louis. We were texting last night (haven’t engaged in continuous text conversation like that in YEARS, it feels like - kinda comforted by the fact that i was texting alex, jody, and HS classmates about Mrs. Spradley at the same time), and today we decided to chat on the godaamn PHONE. 

I remember when we used to talk and I would just be a big ball of “feelz” omg smh. And like I sit here today worrying about boards, quizzing myself on the glasgow coma scale, dead tired from errands/grinding all day, and yet I find myself still checking my phone to see if he’s said anything smh smh smh

You’re not moving to the bay for him. You’re moving for yourself. Y’all tried dating before. You learned about yourself, proper communication, sexual preferences, religion, travel.....  and it was fun while it lasted but you both played games with each other - of course, he’s an Aquarius. 

I used to tell myself that 24 was going to be the year that I look forward to the most... I remember being in Auntie Grace’s kitchen and asking Manang Gina her age. I thought to myself, “24 is going to be so cool.” 

But here I am, almost done with 23, and I’m filled with more melancholy and longing than ever anticipated... I miss my classmates, my friends, my accumulated independence. 

In my book, there are two kinds of lost. One kind of lost is spurned by the need to survive in a new environment you’re swimming to the stability of the shore, even though you can’t see it. The other, you’re drowning - this one obviously sounds more morbid, and maybe I should figure out a more positive wording, but for now, it’s “drowning” - and you’re hoping to get washed up somewhere and be miraculously revived. 

Both incite a sympathetic, fight-or-flight response and I hope to God/the Universe that they both create good change in the end. 

Spent the weekend blissfully lost in a group of beautiful ABGs. Nobody knew me, really. Other than my name, it was the perfect solution to the “my name precedes me” thing that I had been encountering after moving back home.

There was a blur of little moments, living so in the moment that not much was committing to memory. 

But I can feel the memories already blurring away. I just have to let this out somewhere, so here we go.

Friday, June 21st (the first day of summer, my period, and the summer solstice).

Jody’s flight got delayed by 4 hour (at least) and I found myself drowning in intimidation. These girls knew exactly how to do their hair and makeup, what to wear, etc. Found myself regaining some confidence as I successfully put on lashes (really well too, tbh) for the first time since I was 18yo about to perform at recital and was empowered to ditch my Spanx.

While we were waiting in line for Wynn’s XS Nightclub someone raised his voice at me, “Hey, I know you.” I subtly rolled my eyes, assuming he was the first creep of the trip. But then, “It’s Rochelle, right?” I passed along the velvet rope to get a closer look at him. “Arsenio,” he said. The name didn’t ring a bell. 

“I’m Annie’s cousin.” 

“Annie, who?” 

“Luspo!”

“Ohhh, Christy?!”

“Yeah, we met when I was staying at her house in Houston. I think we’re friends on Facebook.”

I quickly looked him up. He was right. Our mutual friends shook the cobwebs from the old connection. It had been TEN YEARS since he last saw me, completely crazy. We tried meeting up for shots in the club, but it didn’t work out. He said he was living in the Bay area now. I looked up his profile, he has a 3-year-old kid now. 

We spent the majority of our Friday evening tediously scouring XS for a table, waiting for Jody, and denying the inevitable fact that a group of 13 young women were not about to ALL get drinks at the same table let alone maneuver a dark nightclub without getting separated. 

We hunted for tables big enough for the majority of us, got half-assed efforts from promoters, and eventually some guy rounded us all up to his table for [free] drinks. It was there that we meet the “thirty-something” Miami guy. We danced, he twirled me, someone later told me they thought he was gay, it definitely didn’t feel like it (but then again, I literally have the world’s worst gay-dar). He even gave me a lap dance -- what an odd feeling to have someone’s nuts rub on your leg... blegh.

We eventually left their table and stopped like ten feet away (the crowd was thick enough to be out of obvious vision). My feet were screaming and I asked if I could sit. He had a sleeve of tattoos -- hello, talking points! At this point I could have talked for hours as long as it meant that I could sit. I don’t really remember his face, but it felt like I had him wrapped around my finger. At one point I was sneaking ice cubes out of their bucket because I was that desperate for some hydration. He said something about being warm, and I don’t know what came over me but  I instinctively leaned in and asked “Did you say you’re getting hot? Come here.” Our faces were close enough and just said “kiss me” before passing an ice cube into his mouth. It was the smoothest and sexiest I’ve ever felt in my life. 

I nonchalantly pull away and feel completely detached from the romantic gesture. He boyishly blurts out, “Thanks for making me look cool in front of my friends.” I’m glad it was dark so I could hide my chuckle. Finally, we head home and we recap the night over Chex Mix and Gardetto’s. Night ended around 2-3am.

Saturday:

Woke up around 8am (I think) and continued recapping the night. Realized my feet were insanely dirty from walking around the hotels and drop-offs sans shoes. We started getting ready for day club and I accept 

omg i’m tired of writing. here comes the word/phrase vomit.

AB&G smoothie, morton’s neuroma, small boob insecurity, “thicc” girl empowerment, big boob empowerment. lowkey strutting and hopping around the suite proud of the muscle on my legs, jiggle on my chest, and less fat at my abdomen than 7 months ago. looking like bougie bruno mars as a woman. fhearing those first beats at day club. USC med alumni. “what job would you have?” “I would enjoy being a PT,” “I’d be humans of new york,” “I’m just now starting to pay off my loans,” his name was Patrick, he’s a urologist either “operating or in clinic.” the exotic Mediterranean guy “She just like a fun, nice girl.” Billy was just one of the cute guys, idk i naturally kept tabs on him i think. Felt like I was successfully flirting with and then getting subtly rejected by Nikolai - with the twin friends (ft. dance move guy), he is an electrical engineer graduated from UCSB who would get a 2x4 lego tattoo if anything and taught me a few phrases in French - because I assumed he’d rather get with one of the girls in the group (Later on Payne would convince me otherwise - that he kept looking around for me and was just talking to everyone because I kept leaving, classic Rochelle scenario, no?). The support I felt when they all encouraged me to go after him. One of the doctors didn’t pick up on my sarcasm when I said he was the oldest (obviously the youngest), it was sweet to see all his friends play along and to have his thirsty ass wanna make me his girl hahah. Some guy named Ty who was turning 21, filipino with great tats - ended up asking for his insta bc i kept running into him. OMG the handsome, potentially gay Black man who stopped me as I got out of the pool and lowkey-strutted towards the bathroom with a “girl you are naturally gorgeous - and you know it!” ugh idk why but it was the most believable comment I’ve ever gotten from a passerby (along with the random ladies that would compliment me omg i cry).

For a while I thought everybody bailed on me and left me with Nickolai just as things were fizzling out. But thankfully we found Kim, Payne, and Mary. We weaved through the crowd, over velvet ropes, and just danced our asses off to Marshmallo’s set. As we were gathering our things at the locker, Jody happened to be walking by (I swear, technology is the biggest cockblock for serendipity). I hadn’t had enough of Day Club at that point so I stayed and saw Jody and Kathleen in action with these guys at their lounge area. Man they really committed to fishing. Finally the delirium of Day Club became a bit overwhelming and we made our way back to the hotel. At this point I felt natural and confident enough to shower naked in front of an also naked Kim. It’s amazing how much confidence I had on reserve strictly from a fresh bikini wax and the knowledge that I’ve been consistently active.

Freshly showered and freshly napped, we started getting ready for Night Swim. (Seriously, the partying never really stopped - just paused for attempts at nourishment/rest.) There was something even more heightening about this round. I played up my freshly-fallen bun-curls and took a FIRE selfie on snapchat (although it didn’t get that much feedback, whatevs bc who was i even hoping for feedback FROM?) 

Donning Kathleen’s kimono and my “naked” swimsuit... (man, looking back where did this person come from?) 

Started talking to this Filipino-Black guy in line and his friend in all white came back and asked if we wanted to join them in their cabana. None of the girls wanted to go, but I figured why not? (the guy was so tall, I think this was my subconscious, amateur attempt at jersey chasing LOL) Also they were from Brooklyn, and I’m a sucker for a good nyc story. Bopped back and forth with drinks form their cabana to our lily pad. 

In classic form, I eventually said goodbye to the cabana boys, grabbed someone from the lily pad, and headed off to do laps. This naive, potentially-gay gentleman at the dance floor tried teaching me how to salsa, as I kept reiterating, “honeyyyy, I’m from Houston! I know how to dance!” We met this Brazilian sounding guy literally because he was standing there an just put his hands up -- got us drinks and saw a poor attempt at line dancing in Vegas, encountered a PTA named Jery (classically shocked that I finished school already hehe). Kept encountering this older gentleman who was charming but creepy, gave Katy a lesson in public strutting, and finally circled back to lounge at the lily pad. 

Eventually Katy came over and whisked me away to a table in the pool. About six girls were already there. There were only two guys so of course I assumed my role as a poolside, go-go dancer. I looked down and realized that I recognized this guy’s dance moves from day club!! And sure enough Nikolai was there! I called him over asking why he wasn’t backstage at the Zedd show. Got in the pool and of course dealt with the same ambiguous vibe as earlier that day. 

(At some point during this, Kathleen came over and dropped off my things - holy shit i just looked it up, it was around 1am - and I asked her to take my phone and wallet back to the hotel at the risk of getting it in the water) Kathy had just offered me some WatEr and I ended up just chillin’, enjoying the vibes and visuals by the side of the pool. I vaguely remember seeing Nikolai leave and honestly just dgaf about it. Kathy explained that it was ok to want to feel physical touch so I just leaned the fuck in to the virgin experience and let everyone and their mother scratch my head, massage my back, and just love on each other hahaha we ended up closing the club at like 3:30am or something.

As we were leaving, one of the two guys (the half-Jap-half-Russian who I was initially told was gay - found out his name at like 5am, and then ended up not being gay) bluntly says, “you’re really pretty and I’d like to make out with you” - looking back, it was almost perfect... I was already comfortable with him because he had been [orgasmically] pulling my hair all night and massaging my neck. He said later that he thought he was being obvious in making a move, but i’m pretty sure he was doing that with everyone, esp considering Kathy was deadass wrapped around his back like a monkey lolol he later said he was only pulling my hair, my rolling ass had no fucking clue ahahah

Anyway, I hadn’t had someone suggest making out in so long and had been recently longing for that exactly, so after several minutes of inner turmoil (at this point i was still getting used to him not being gay, but also i was on my period, freshly waxed, and headfirst in my first Experience). I stayed back with Kim and James (literally a total ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ vibe with his british accent and her stunninnnggggggg looks), Kathy, and Mr. Makeout. There was a cool breeze accompanying us on the late night streets of the Strip and we just let ourselves walk and blow away with Mr. Makeout’s EPB/APL. We ended up at their room at the Palazzo and sure enough, when Kathy and Kim went to talk in the bathroom, he point-blank says, “are we gonna make out now?” 

He was odd in his own way -  a balance of nonchalant, poignancy, and just enough flirtation. Stolen smiles and glances had become our forte at this point, I was really wishing that Kathy could see what was happening, and that I hadn’t given my phone away. The three of us decided to leave to give Kim and James some privacy. Kathy lagged behind to talk to Kim and we continued to make out in the hallway. Kissing him was somehow so erotic yet so professional/respectful. 

The sun was beginning to come up as we headed to the guys’r extra room at Caesar’s and awkwardly laid in bed, in our swim suits, unable to sleep, just waiting for Kim to need us since we had a key card. Let me just say that damn Kathy is such a good friend. She had her phone out the whole time even though battery was draining fast, making sure that Kim felt safe and that she wasn’t ubering alone or anything.

There was a moment that Kathy was going to leave and I was going to stay back with Daniel (I now knew his name), I decided against it and as I got out of the bed he beautifully clung to my waist with his previously whispered “I’d like to make love to you” twirling through my head. I playfully tried getting away, knowing full well that he had me locked down (If I was smart at all, I would have remembered James’ subtle mention that Daniel brought a NCAA National Judo Title back to Harvard, i.e. their ALMA MATER, which I barely cared about at this point because I was so out of it haha). We convinced him to come back to the Venetian/Palazzo with us (and he paid for the taxi, bless).

We kept stealing a few kisses in various lobbies as Kathy essentially babysat all of us lmao. Before heading up to our room, I threw my number onto his phone internally plotting how I can sneak away to him. After all, it was only 6am at this point and everyone was deadass asleep. 

Immediately I realized how not sleepy I was in comparison to everyone sprawled out on their air mattresses. I updated Katy and Jody and replied to his immediate texts:

“Hello

OK come now.

Can we make out a little more?”

I trotted out of the room in a sun dress, no bra, and my bikini bottoms. I told you, it was the start of Cancer season. Walked through the adjoining hotels (seriously, how convenient) and eventually he found me. 

“You changed”

“Well I didn’t really want to walk around in a sheer kimono at 7am,” then alluding to the lack of bra underneath. 

He was surprisingly disciplined in the elevator, undoubtedly catching me smiling in anticipation for his lips to be back on mine. Thankfully, he deviated towards a corner wall to kiss for a bit before heading down a very long hallway. It was the most seamless a makeout has felt in a long time. We were eye to eye whenever I’d rise up onto the balls of my feet. I grabbed at his jet black hair and his hands ran all over me with an energy I’d never felt before - I had gotten used to greedy hands on me... his were appreciative, almost even respectful. I could feel him near the hem of my dress and he’d lightly lift it up, but never yanked at it or slid it up too high... we continued down the long hallway with the same style of kissing, even getting caught by a couple, oops hehe. 

We got to the room and decided to continue in the [pleasantly spacious and conveniently mirrored] full bathroom. Knowing fully well that we only had time to makeout, we started slow, just weaving back and forth. We took our time, taking turns unbuttoning each others tops, one by one, kissing to celebrate the each exposure of new skin (forgetting the fact that we were already half naked when we met or that we had already laid next to one another in our underwear). 

Eventually the clothes were off and he didn’t question when I said that underwear has to stay on. It was 45 minutes of bliss. He leaned against the counter for the majority of the time and our hands ran free, up and down each other’s bodies. His musculature perfectly balanced - I seriously don’t think I’ve ever been so dumbfounded, I literally had no critiques. But I couldn’t properly articulate myself because I was so shocked by his whispers and praises.

“You’re so pretty... You’re so cute... You’re so hot... You have the most incredible body,” as he appeared to blink in what looked like disbelief. For once, I actually believed a man’s compliments on my body...

 “I was trying to talk to you all night,” he said as I stared back in disbelief reminding him that his hands were on all the other girls as well. “You have so many dang friends, I didn’t know how to get alone... and then you disappeared, I couldn’t find you.” We continued kissing through all this recapping and sure enough, he blessed me with that same, firm hair pull.

We ended up laying on the floor towards the end, him teasing me with the words, “I really want to eat you out” - BUT OF COURSE, I was on my period at a time when I’d never been more willing to do it. His lips were so luscious and our tongues had already become well-acquainted at this point. He told me to lay on the floor and his hands just explored my lower abdomen and superficial pelvis... it felt beautifully similar to the scene in “Pretty Woman” where Richard Gere goes from playing the piano to playing Julia Roberts’ body....  it was just pure bliss, I’d never been so happy to be in a hotel bathroom at 7am. And as we ached over the fleeting minutes, eventually we heard James fumbling for the bathroom knob, I doubled over in giggles as I fumbled for clothes to cover my mostly naked self. “I’m not done exploring you yet...” he said with a tone of sadness as we departed, again not realizing that I was plotting to return to him. I wasn’t done either.

I’m going to stop writing soon, but I ended up going back to his room (sans James) after Jody left. We had about an hour, “You just always leave me. I booked my flight for 11:30 after you left. I didn’t think I’d get to see you again.”

We kissed slowly, obviously running on depleted energy reserves, and eventually ramping up to the same enthusiasm as earlier that morning.

“I wish I had a video of you doing that,” alluding to my practically-rehearsed minx crawl over his supine body. To which he countered with the masculine version when it was his time to be on top. However, I think I reached a completely new capacity of physical attraction as I laid on the bed with him standing, holding my hips. Every time his hips thrusted forward, his chest and delts contracted with each pulse.... I’d never been with a physique like that, ever. I don’t know what came over me but eventually I was going down with an enthusiasm I hadn’t felt in years, genuinely wanting to kiss him just everywhere. I was lasting a lot longer than usual. I could feel him squirming and just when I thought he was going to finish - he blurted “I just want to fuck you” as he simultaneously tossed me to the head of the bed and held himself over me - it was performed so swiftly and smoothly that I officially have a newfound sexual respect for guys who do Judo. It almost felt like a couples tango... I just laid there, sprawled out in complete disbelief, realizing that I reallyyyy wanted him back in me. We wrestled with the idea but there were no condoms left and I wasn’t on birth control - I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from discussing the significantly decreased likelihood of getting pregnant when on your period, but luckily he reminded me that we’re a couple of strangers, a couple of mature adults. Eventually time caught up with us  and with rosy-cheeks we left his room. I lamely asked if we could hold hands to which he said, “of course.” I could feel his smile next to me in the elevator and gave each other a quick kiss before he headed to the lobby and I sped off to the Venetian to clean up my things before check out.

 At one point we were just laying there and he said those perfect words, “this is all I really wanted.” I didn’t fully believe him, but I nodded in agreement because it truly felt wonderful.

And then he pointed out that moments like ours don’t happen very often. He was so adamant about our connection, about those late night/early morning hours...

I remembered the single-girl struggles that I’d endured for the past couple of months -- the inherent reluctance, the guilt, the lack of intrigue...

It was so easy to romanticize nyc that I’d assumed that’s how every saturday in the city played out...

Everyone keeps talking about going "keto" or "intermittent fasting"...

Photography -- specifically for human subjects

Musically inclined

Understanding what it means to be of a dual-identity

Reverence and awe for religious beliefs

Enjoys watching/playing basketball

Respects what I do as a clinician

Shows kindness to people

Aubrey