#dearmatthew

It's like hovering over the edge, keeping

peace,

held above our heads like a trophy,

whilst we balance, wobling on one foot underneath

the crushing weight of perfection.

why does it matter if we are broken?

what does it matter if there is noise?

I'm constantly stuck between looking to the future,

And worrying about the past.

Christ is coming, this is sure,

But should I be looking forward and making choices

for the life I could live,

Or just stay stagnant.

I am so worried I could make the wrong decision,

And I want to be in the kingdom so much,

Every time I turn to You, the ache softens, the weight lifts, peace settles like morning light quiet, steady, always there.

And yet, I wander. I chase the noise, the fleeting, the hollow, forgetting how easily I can rest in You.

How fickle I am, Lord, that I trade Your presence for the rush of lesser things, that I call on You in my emptiness but neglect You in my plenty.

Still, You are patient. Still, You are near. Still, Your love does not waver, though mine flickers like a candle in the wind.

Let me be different, God. Let my first thought be of You, not my last. Let my soul reach for You, not just in my stillness, but in my every breath.

I have knocked on this door a thousand times,

bruised hands, aching heart,

whispering prayers into the wood,

begging it to open.

But God has stood at my side,

gentle, firm,a hand on my shoulder,

a quiet "not this My daughter",

woven into every silence.

And I have tried to unlatch the door myself,

to rewrite what was never meant,

to gather fallen leaves

and call them a garden.

Yet He has made it clear,

again and again,

through closed roads and restless nights,

that love does not live here.

So I will unclench my hands,

release the weight of longing,

and walk where the light spills golden,

toward the love He has chosen,

greater than I could have chosen.

Not just good, but holy,

not just fleeting, but eternal,

a love that leads to salvation.

He will only ever give me

You are my heart's contradiction:

love that feels like drowning,

its so easy for me to get caught up in the rhetoric,

in the noise of “men are the worst,”

to let that narrative

settle in my mind.

but when i spend time, like i did today,

with good men, who want to know me, build a friendship,

with no other intentions

its just such a pleasure.

it has completely made my day,

to have such a special relationship with

people who have lived a completely different life from my own

to learn from and grow and laugh with.

It feels rare,

but it’s such a privilege.

I am thankful for them

the good men who remind me

what kindness and sincerity

can look like.

it seems almost cheap,

this "knowing me". like

it cant be genuine for some reason.

"youre a deep thinking"

"youre definitely strong and I sense you have many an interesting story"

i know all this, you haven't captured my attention

by trying to understand this twisted complex mind.

maybe i hate it, because im worried that nobody ever can.

seamus came as close as anyone ever has

and i only just realised that i held so much back because

i felt like too much. like i was too much, and

nobody would ever stay.

i think thats why i have realised how much i need my Father,

who knows everything, my thoughts, the hairs on my head

and loves me in spite of it all.

because this petty, weak, failing, fleeting, human love

isn't anything to write home about.