#dddk

The day went exactly as it usually does: Doug and Kirill work together to save another victim of the current crisis, get caught up in a fight against a crazed Anthem-user, win said fight, then go out to celebrate.

And their usual celebration?

Going out for a few drinks.

Or, in Kirill’s case, getting one drink and losing his mind due to how much of a lightweight he is.

The constable was face-down on the counter, resting his head on his right arm as his left hand spun a barely-touched glass of water.

“You alright, Constable Vrubel?”

Doug always did look out for Kirill, even if he had a weird away of showing it.

“Yeah!” The purple-haired male chirped, head unmoving. “Jus’ godda finish m’wadder s’ I can ged an’udder dr’nk.”

The brunette sighed, “You’re sure that you want another? This would be your second Old-Fashioned… You’ve barely touched your water, and you’re barely upright.”

Kirill narrowed his eyes at his partner. “Tha’s n’t fair! I-I’m good, i c’n handle m- alc’hol.”

Doug couldn’t help the airy chuckle that escaped him. “Constable Vrubel-“

“Stop c’llin’ me th’t ou’side ‘f work.”

“Fine, Kirill,” the detective replied curtly. “Personally, I think you should go home.”

“Nooooooo! ‘M okay!” The constable whined, lifting his head from the bar top, revealing a red mark on his forehead. “I c’n keep g-goin’!”

Doug locked eyes with Derrick, who was placing a second Old-Fashioned on the counter, the man understanding what the detective meant immediately.

“Closing time!” The ex-officer announced, gently drying pint glasses. “Start finishing up, everyone. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“Alright, Derrick’s closing up, let’s go, you.” Doug beckoned, rising to his feet and gracing a hand on his partner’s back.

Kirill whined in protest as his second drink was taken from the counter and quickly downed by Deanna, who grimaced in the process.

“You heard him, buzz-cut, get moving.” She barked, tapping the side of his water cup.

The constable wasted zero time and began to chug the water, not realizing how parched he was. After that cup was drank, he got a refill from Derrick.

Soon enough, Kirill was stone-cold sober once more. (WHY DONT WE JUST PRETEND THAT THIS IS ACCURATE) He sat on the stoop of the bar, pouting and glaring at his partner.

“What’s up with you?” The brunette asked with a cocky smile.

“You know what’s up,” Kirill murmured. “You cut me off, bastard…”

“I wouldn’t have gotten you to leave any other way, now would I? You still haven’t even left the bar yet.” Doug replied, gesturing toward the concrete steps.

“And you know what, I don’t think I will leave the bar! Bastard…”

The detective sighed as he stepped closer to his partner. “Kirill-“

“No! Don’t you start with me! I’m staying put, and that’s final!” The purple-haired male upturned his nose and closed his eyes, refusing to look at Doug.

Doug sighed while kneeling down. “Sometimes, it’s like herding cats with you.” He scooped up Kirill and threw him over his shoulder. “If you want to act like a toddler, you will be treated as such. Now come on, I’m taking you home.”

The constable yelped and clung onto the brunette as his partner began walking away. “Doug! Put me down! Can you even hear me? Put me down you- HYEAH!”

The detective paused dead in his tracks, just having previously squeezed at the back of Kirill’s thigh to get him to shut up. “Kirill? Did I hurt you? Are you hiding an injury from m-“

“It’s nothing! Just forget it!” The purple-haired male yelped as he squirmed.

“It’s not nothing. Sit still, I need to look at your leg.” With a stone-cold stoicism, Doug poked and prodded at the thigh in question, eliciting choked giggles from the officer on his shoulder.

“D-Doug i’m- pfff- fine! It’s okay, im alrIGHT-“ Kirill yelped once again as he felt a swipe behind his knee. “Doug st-ahaha-“ he slapped two hands over his mouth, praying his partner had not heard.

Unfortunately…

“Wait, wait, wait… are you- are you ticklish?” Kirill could practically hear the evil in Doug’s voice as his eyes grew wide. “No! I’m not! Don’t touch me! No no- nohohoho!”

“Oh my god, you are!” The detective gushed as he began to pinch at small section’s of the constable’s thigh. “Ohhh, you’re usually so tough! How ironic is this?”

“Dohohohoug! Wahahahait! Puhuhuhut mehehe dohohohown!” Kirill whined as he gently slapped at the broad back beneath his palm. His hands balled into fists as he felt scribbling behind his knee. “AGH! DohohohoOHOHOUG!”

“I wish I had known about this sooner. You would’ve been much easier to deal with… at least I know how to get you to behave now.” The brunette mused, continuing his assault on the back of his partner’s knee.

It was almost too cruel.

Kirill’s face was contorted into a bashful smile as all of his co-workers started at him fondly— and if you were Deanna, menacingly.

“Dohohohoug! Puhuhuhut mehehe dohohohown!”

“That’s a negative. Until you learn to behave yourself, I have to resort to drastic measures.”

In one swift movement, the detective wrapped both hands around his partner’s hips, squeezing with a ticklish vigor. Kirill squealed and began to pound his fists against Doug’s back.

“DOHOHOHOUG! NAHAHAHAT THEHEHERE! HYEHEHEHAHA!”

“Ohhh, did I find a sensitive spot, constable?”

“YEHEHEHEHES! PLEHEHEHEASE DOHOHOHONT!”

“Please don’t what? Goodness, you need to start acting your age.”

“TIHIHIHICKLE MEHEHEHE! TIHIHIHICKLE M- WAHAHAIT WAHAHAIT! NOHOHOHO-“

“Ohhhhhh, tickle you! Of course I can. Thank you for using your words, Kirill. Now then, let’s get you home.”

The purple-haired officer whined in agony as he continued to laugh himself hoarse. His mindless pounding against Doug’s back did nothing for him, and he could only writhe in agony until his partner decided to have mercy.

Their coworkers watched in amusement as Doug cracked a rare smile of pure menace. Unfortunately for Kirill, his apartment was a long way home from the bar…