#dayninetyone

Urgh, today was just...meh.

I had a bad night of not sleeping well and giving myself anxiety over my young tots at school and their inability to focus well in class these days.

It was hard to focus at school. Even my third and fourth graders were not playing ball today either. I honestly don’t know when they became so unmanageable, they’re driving me crazy. I might just have to make them do tests every day to get them to calm down.

I had a second cup of coffee just to keep myself afloat during the day. H had a meeting with SB’s parents this afternoon while I had class and told them what had been going on in class with him. H actually brought me over to the communal table in our office after my class ended so that SB’s parents could apologize to me. I was touched by the gesture all things considered and even SB was less of a gremlin in class today. I have to monitor him from now on, which is going to be a lot of extra work for me. But I made my bed when I decided to out SB and his shitty behavior to my school, so I’ll need to be a responsible teacher for the foreseeable future.

I felt strangely pensive thinking about X today. A lot of good and bad memories kept playing on repeat in my head all day; blame it on a shitty night’s sleep if you will. I always get weird and moody when I’m sleepy.

Weirdly enough, I got obsessive thinking about my ex KA too. It’s probably because I accidentally stumbled onto her profile on LinkedIn while replying to a message from someone else on there. A part of me still wishes I could talk to her in a friendly way like the good old days. But I messed things up royally after we broke up and it might just be kinder to leave the poor girl be after all the shit I put her through.

So I resisted the urge to LinkedIn-stalk my other ex-girlfriend. Why am I seriously hung up on two people that I broke up with in the first place??? Maybe it’s because I never actually wanted to break up with either KA or X.

With KA, I got tired of waiting around for her while she studied abroad. And with X, I got tired of her using me for money and as some kind of emotional crutch. In KA’s case, I stayed in love with her for nearly three years after we broke up.

And with X...I’m not really sure how I feel about her.

Some days, I can get through a whole 24 hours thinking I might actually be able to forgive her for the shit she put me through. But then, I have days like this where I really don’t know how I feel about anything anymore.

I remedied this by hitting the gym for the first time in two months. I took it easy since I just recovered from a chest infection and used my KT tape for the first time. My new gym friend, DY, popped by to see me and we chatted for 40 minutes while walking on the treadmill.

The combination of exercising, listening to rap music on repeat and chatting to a new friend, actually helped my mood a lot. It might be time to re-open my social calendar and be around other people again. I’m going to a Christmas party next month and trying to organize a Christmas lunch/dinner for me and my foreign colleagues. Things are finally slowing down at work, so I might be able to get proper rest again.

And proper rest needs to start with me not stressing about work or obsessing about my exes. I’m single for God’s sake, I need to start acting like it instead of like a lovesick teenager. Surely none of my exes are crying over me (I hope CH, my one and only ex-boyfriend, isn’t crying over me either).

So why should I spend another minute moping about what’s already past?

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Mondays have been a weird trigger for me ever since I broke up with X on a Monday night. It’s only been three months since my reintroduction to the single life, I should give myself a little more credit for managing to keep it together around other people.

No one ever said that fixing a broken heart was easy. So I guess I should keep trying to figure it out and working through it in my own time. DY sent me a job ad for a school down the road from me, so I’ll check that out too.