#breakupblog

Predictably, he finally texted 10 days after saying he would leave me alone. A text of reasonable length. “I know I said I wouldn’t bother you but...” he did anyway. “You’ve done nothing to deserve this.” “I’m truly sorry for being dishonest.” “I’m not looking for a response.” “I hope everything great happens for you going forward.” This generic package tied with a "hope all is well” bow. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist.

I told him again that he wasn’t sorry. He may actually be sorry I’m hurt, I just don’t believe he’s sorry he hurt me. He has never seemed or cared to understand why these deceptions bother me so much - the way it makes him look to me, the way it makes all the time we’ve spent together a farce, the way it makes everyone right, the way it makes her right. I hate it, and I hate that it doesn’t bother him. It’s partially my fault for allowing him to continually ask for forgiveness instead of permission. I have always come around. Why wouldn’t he expect me to do the same this time?

I am just so tired. I have waited so long for things to change while everything only continued to get worse. I pointed that out one of the times I tried to end it. We went from spending every weekend out together to him hiding any traces of being with me. He rejected all invitations to spend time with me and my friends or do anything in public. He parked a few blocks away and walked over to my house, as if the people he thought were watching would notice his vehicle but somehow wouldn’t notice him. We fought the first time. I told him it was okay after that, because I wanted that badly to see him.

I told him I would not absolve him this time. He said he didn’t want that. He only wanted me to know he was sorry and felt like a piece of shit. I told him he had no reason to feel bad about it now if he didn’t feel bad about doing it in the first place. “You have no idea how I felt when doing it but okay. Just keep thinking you know how I feel.” He also said he “hopes I find what I’m looking for.” Whatever he thinks that means. Probably finding someone else to be with, not believing that I have absolutely no intentions of ever dating again. Partly because I love him, and partly because I’m terrified of wasting any more of my time on men who won’t love me back. I’d rather be alone than face this level of disappointment again.

Damn, ‘Good On Paper’ was such a fantastic movie! Dangerously hilarious and brutally honest about trusting your instincts when it comes to romance.

It’s been exactly a year since I left you behind. Some days, I still miss you. Most days, I still love the idea of you. But with each day that passes, I love you a little less. I hope I eventually get to a point where I don’t think of you at all. That’s when I’ll know that I’m truly over you. But for now...I’m moving on, one step at a time.

Fornever yours,

I gave you my heart a lifetime ago. Now I’m taking back everything you broke, one piece at a time.

I swear to God, the days are getting hotter in Cape Town. 

February’s supposed to be the hottest month of summer here. And yet, the first week of March is almost over and I’m browner than a bar of chocolate. 

Still, I’m not complaining. 

It’s awesome being home again. 

Since I last wrote a breakup blog, a lot has happened. Firstly, C messaged me to let me know that the two teachers who were meant to replace me and her at our old school quit randomly because of this coronavirus business. She and AS let N know that I might want my old job back. So N messaged me and made an official offer from the school, which I accepted. So once my work visa comes through, I’ll probably go back to my old school in China. 

I know what you’re thinking. I made such a big stink about leaving that school for all sorts of reasons, particularly the one where I felt like my teaching skills had no meaning whatsoever. 

What can I say? I’ve had a lot of time to think about things and it would honestly be easier to stay at a school I know and save up some money for another year before I move back to South Africa permanently. That’s if this global coronavirus epidemic ever gets resolved. It’s left me in a precarious position, at least professionally and financially. 

Now it’s a waiting game. South Africa is doing what it always does and slowing down the process for me getting another visa. N keeps texting me and urging me to ‘speed things up’ with the visa process. But really, what does she expect me to do? Bribe someone? Use blackmail mayhaps? I’m literally doing everything humanly possible on my end to get a new job and no one else seems to be playing ball. All I seem to get is added pressure which I can’t assuage in any sense. I’ve told N that if the school needs to find someone asap, then they should go ahead and do that. So we’ll see how everything turns out. 

The sad part is that I’m not sure I really care anymore. Obviously, it will be great to have any job, even my old one, at this point. But I’m just tired of holding up my end of the bargain and not getting the same treatment back. 

Secondly, I may or may not have confirmed that X is dating again. And all because I simply had to Facebook stalk her for old times’ sake. 

This happened on Wednesday last week before my appointment at a local police station to apply for a background check for my visa. 

I scrolled through X’s most recent posts and found one from close to Valentines last month. There seemed to be a lot of pics and videos with her and this new girl I don’t recognise. Most of the pics of the two of them seem platonic. But then there’s another picture of them at what looks like a really romantic holiday resort in X’s hometown. 

The real kicker is that X called this girl ‘bae’ in one of her posts. 

And. That. Fucked. Me. Up. Hard. 

I tried to play it off, I swear I meant to. 

But I just couldn’t do it. 

Something in me snapped. And suddenly, it was like we were breaking up all over again. 

Just when I thought there was no way X could possibly hurt me any more than she already has. 

I guess I was wrong on that front. 

What pisses me off the most is that she gets to move on first. 

She’s the one who lied to me repeatedly and used me for money. But she gets to date again and move on like she deserves to be happy in the first fucking place. 

That just really gets my goat. 

X basically had a year to stop being in love with me, long before I knew that she’d already moved on from our relationship. It’s only been 7 months for me and it still feels raw and painful on any given day. And now X is just over me and our relationship, like we never happened. 

Like I meant nothing to her. 

Honestly, it just fucking sucks. 

So yeah, I spent most of Wednesday morning pissed off about that and then emotional and weepy for most of that afternoon because it was Candice’s 20th death anniversary as well. So I bought flowers and visited Candice for a while in the cemetery, just lapping up all the lovely misery of the day. 

I went to a low place thinking about it all. 

I’m beginning to think that I’m destined to love bad women. 

There’s my mom who I love despite the fact that she’s basically a cartoon in human form with no real feelings about anything or for anyone. Then there’s Candice who was my best friend in my formative years who also bullied me and made my life incredibly miserable for half of 6th grade. 

And then of course, there’s X too and everything I’ve blogged about her in the past six months. 

So yeah, that was extremely fun to think about in the last couple of days. 

I’m also beginning to wonder if I’m just a broken toy now. You can wind me up and I’ll still play a silly song and move my limbs around a bit. But there’s no spark or life in my eyes and my smile is hard and plastic.

Don’t get me wrong, I am really happy and at ease these days. That isn’t the problem. 

My problem lies in how little fucks I give about anything that seems to be happening to me right now. In the past, if something good or bad happened, I had some kind of strong reaction to it.

But now...I’m brushing everything aside with a sardonic ‘meh, what can you do?’ There doesn’t seem to be any point in putting up a fight anymore. 

I think X broke something vital inside of me; that part of my heart that wants to give a fuck about something, anything really. And whenever I think about opening up my heart to someone, I instantly retreat into my silly jokes and ridiculous whims. 

I guess my therapist was right after all. What X did to me was an emotional trauma and I’m still gradually recovering. 

Maybe I just need more time? 

I’m becoming very snarky about my celebrity crush on Ariana Grande of late too. I’m taking potshots at her music and making unkind jokes about her stage persona. I think this is me trying to distance myself from my feelings because my crush is starting to fade. 

I’m trying to keep the fantasy alive though. Listening to her songs on Spotify still give me a great sense of solace. And when I lay my head down to sleep every night, I still see her behind my closed eyelids, as herself or as Cat Valentine. 

But the picture’s beginning to dim and I’m forcing myself to keep her imprinted on my mind. Because if she’s not there, if no one’s there in my heart, what else is there left for me to do? 

I’m scared that if I let her go, I won’t be able to write again. I know that’s dumb, but Ari really did bring my writing back to life somehow after a whole year of inactivity. 

I’m still not done with my latest Cabbie drabble. Time travel is hard to write about, especially when I want to be deep and clever about it. At least I’m getting better with nailing Cat’s facetious narrative in my stories. 

That girl is as thick as cement. But she sure is pretty...

Maybe I just need to go with the flow and feel whatever I feel, no matter how silly or embarrassing it is.    

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be in Cape Town for. This coronavirus business is getting really scary now that there are two confirmed cases in South Africa.

China and Italy really made love to the pooch big time...

My old school isn’t even open yet and they already want me to come back to China asap. I just wish I knew for certain if I’ll be going back in a month or if there’s going to be a hold-up with my paperwork. 

I’m honestly over it all. 

As for X, more power to her and ‘bae’ I guess. Although it would be in her new girlfriend’s best interests to watch over her cash more closely while X is around. 

You really can’t trust anyone anymore when it comes to money. 

Alright, bitter ex-girlfriend diatribe is over now. I’ll type a few sentences into my Cabbie drabble which will probably make Cat look like even more of a sexy dumbass. And then I should try to get some sleep. 

It’s a strange dichotomy for me: being stressed out about the future and relaxed during my time off. 

I just hope it all comes together in the end. 

Someone up there likes me a lot.

Now I’m home on holiday and enjoying time spent with my family, friends, binging Showmax and Netflix and daydreaming about Ariana Grande.

It hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns though.

My job situation going back to China is still uncertain thanks to the viral outbreak happening there. And my work visa runs out at the end of the month. I finally told my new boss that she has to honour the contract we both signed and continue with processing my work permit like she was meant to the entire time.

So we’ll see what happens on that front.

I’m finding that I care less and less about what happens from here on out.

I’m oddly resigned and content about where my life is at these days.

I’ve never felt more free and nonchalant about the future.

Don’t get me wrong, I am worried and stressed.

But for the first time in my life, it feels like everything’s laid out before me and I just intrinsically know that everything will work out the way it’s meant to somehow.

I still have things to sort out while I’m home and people I want to spend time with. Hopefully I’ll get to do it all in 3 weeks before reality kicks in again.

Oh joy.

I had a disconcerting dream about X last night.

I’m not sure where it stemmed from. But all of a sudden, other people in my dream were telling me that X still loved me and wanted me back. I think even X said something similar in text messages she’d sent me.

It was fucking weird and had my brain in a tizzy in the dream. I found myself doing an emo walking montage through the streets in my neighborhood, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with this brand new information.

There was a part of me that felt guinely torn about what to do. I actually felt that way because I knew I still loved her in the dream.

That’s when it finally hit me:

X hurt me.

She lied to me, on several occasions and without hesitation either.

She cut me off emotionally and even physically whenever it suited her.

She always ran away from conflict and never engaged with me whenever we fought.

Whenever I had genuine struggles in my life, she was incapable of offering any real comfort or guidance.

She had no trouble taking from me and not giving enough of herself.

Why on Earth would I want someone like this in my life?

It was completely absurd.

Once that realization occurred to me, I didn’t feel so torn anymore.

That’s when I woke up.

I still felt a bit weird about it after I woke up. But then I just zoned out and started fantasizing about Ariana while my mom and I went to the Traffic Department to renew our drivers’ licences.

It’s nice being able to spend time with my mom in small doses, she’s less annoying that way. I like staying at G’s apartment even more, P’s bed in the second room is super comfortable!

I’ve been trying to do some writing for an old Kpop fanfic I started nearly 7 years ago, but it’s going slowly. I’ve still got Ari on the brain in a big way.

I felt kinda bummed about Ari on Saturday while stressing about my Chinese work visa stuff. So I cheered myself up by writing her a love letter.

It felt good putting all of my feelings into a letter. It helped to unclog my lonely heart in some ways, so I feel better now.

It is what it is, just a dumb celebrity crush.

I don’t know if it’s helping me move on from X or keeping me from moving on from X.

But for now, it’s keeping me buoyant and happy.

I don’t really miss my apartment in China. It’s nice bumming at G’s place and being in my home town again. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed home after all this time.

A part of me thinks it would be nice to just say ‘fuck it!’ and come home now. But I haven’t saved enough cash to come home and even look for my own place. So all I can do is hope that things work out with a job back in China and I can stay there one more year and save up some money for the future.

As fun as it is perving on Ariana Grande and even imagining what it would be like to fool around with her and even be in a romantic relationship with her, I know I’m not ready for that level of commitment in my reality.

I finally told CH last week that I don’t want to fool around with him anymore and just be friends. I was relieved when he said he was cool with it. We haven’t really spoken much since then, but not because I’m avoiding him. I’m just enjoying my ‘me time’ I guess. But I’ll text him more tomorrow and check in.

I napped earlier, so I’m probably gonna be up pretty late tonight. I probably won’t write much, but just indulge in my ‘Ariana’ time which consists of watching videos of her on YouTube or consuming fan fictions about her.

It’s weird how much I look forward to my ‘Ariana Time’ these days. She lit a fire inside of me and it’s heating up my senses.

I think I may be moving beyond this blog finally.

That doesn’t mean I’m over X though.

Granted, it’s getting close to six months since I told her to beat it and take the scenic route.

I still think about her sometimes, and often on a gangrenous loop.

I’m at the airport now and of course that makes me think of trips I took in the past to be with X to make our long distance relationship a little less, well...distant.

It was always me going the extra mile for our relationship. I was the one who was willing to risk everything, including my relationship with my family, for X.

And it was all complete bupkis.

I guess I’m still kind of bitter towards X despite my best intentions.

I hope my feelings will become less conflicted where she’s concerned.

It hasn’t been all bad though.

Well...it’s been pretty bad for the world in general with this lovely coronavirus outbreak.

It has not been fun being trapped in my apartment and going outside in a face mask and gloves when it was absolutely necessary.

Or going outside to stop myself from getting cabin ever.

Yeah, that happened a lot.

I’m not good at being alone with my thoughts indefinitely.

That’s probably what exacerbated my already ambivalent feelings towards X.

Such fun times.

It’s been so fun that my work visa processes got delayed before they even started. And all because every educational insituation in China has pretty much shut down indefinitely because of the coronavirus outbreak. Which means I don’t yet have a new job waiting for me.

And I just extended the lease on my apartment in China, which I did in good faith.

So I kinda need to have some revenue coming in if I’m going to pay rent next month...

Hence why I’m at the airport. I’m finally going home to see my family. There’s no way in hell I’m staying in China right now when my life is literally in danger.

In hindsight, I should’ve just given China and everyone who gave me bad advice about my visa process a big old ‘fuck you - later, bitches!’ a month ago and just gone home like I planned.

Instead, I spent close to 15,000 RMB on booking flights and then changing them multiple times to accommodate everyone else.

From now on, I’m not going to bother planning ahead with anything anymore.

It’s like that old maxim: ‘Life happens when you’re busy making other plans.’

I’m trying not to stress about the fact that my Chinese work visa will run out next month. All I can do is hope and pray that God points me in the right direction and that I actually listen to his guidance.

I have to believe that everything will work out the way it’s meant to. And if I end up coming back home this year instead of next year, so be it.

I’m kind of resolved either way: whether I stay in China another year or go back home.

That is kind of the beauty of X breaking my heart six months ago.

She’s stopped me from getting too attached to things and people. So it makes it easier to cut the cords when it’s time for me to leave and walk on a different path.

For now, I’m really excited to go home and see my family with an extra week under my belt. It’ll be nice to get my pay cheque tomorrow, so I’ll at least have a little cash during my vacation.

I’ve been writing up a storm lately and it’s all thanks to Ariana Grande. I finished my Cat and Robbie story and even wrote a tiny little Cat and Tori drabble on Friday night.

I’m getting used to this unexpected celebrity infatuation.

It’s easier than having real feelings for someone.

I know it’s not love.

And yet, I love the idea of falling more in love with my own fantasy of Ariana/Cat and me.

It feeds my creative hunger and it keeps me bouyant during the long and uncertain days that reality is offering me lately

I know the fantasy can’t last forever.

Eventually, I’ll run out of steam and go back to fantasizing about Ariana from a safer and saner distance.

She’ll probably get replaced by someone else who’s just as alluring, if not more.

I’m trying not to think too hard about it.

We all cope in different ways with heartache and loneliness.

If it keeps me occupied and writing more than I’ve written in a year, then Ariana can drive me a little crazier with every minute that goes by.

Just 4 more hours before I get on my final flight to go home. I brought a hard copy of ‘Big Little Lies’, my sleeping mask and my sleep supplements with so I can get some decent rest on the plane.

I started watching the new ‘Charlie’s Angels’ movie on my earlier flight. I’m starting to think that I like Naomi Scott too - she a damn snacc...

I hope my friends who are still in my city will be ok and safe in the coming weeks.

It might be hard for me to come back to China in a few weeks because of the coronavirus. But I’m gonna take it one day at a time and enjoy my time with my family.

I’ve missed them so much, especially my siblings, ever since I broke up with X.

One of my cousins is getting married and another cousin is 7 months pregnant. So I’ve got to do some shopping for them while I’m home.

I’ve been out of the loop with so much stuff lately. It’s time to reconnect with the people I love again.

Weirdly enough, a small part of me hopes that X will be ok and safe during this coronavirus hysteria.

Then again, her dumb ass has been known to swim in dirty ocean water and give herself weird rashes, so there’s probably not much hope there.

Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about crushing out on a sexy dumbass like Cat Valentine...

The worst thing that happened to her was getting a butterfly stuck in her ear in an episode of Victorious.

Seriously, how did that happen to Cat???

I guess the butterfly likes her ears more than I do, lol.

Maybe that’s just my type: pretty but dumb.

Or I’m just easily swayed by a pretty face.