#day19

The world turned blurry and he shook his head. He had left the dinner as soon as his food tasted odd, making a hasty excuse- but he knew that someone would trail him. He had to focus enough to shadow-walk, it was the only thing that might save him. He focused on Velaris and one word- HOME- there was no place in mind, only a feeling. A feeling he had not felt since that night. 

He crashed into an unfamiliar garden and heard a shriek as he slumped against the tilled soil. A hand grasped his and the familiarity let him relax. He was safe. He had made it home. 

*********************

Elain tended her garden in the dusk light, the Riverhouse empty due to the rest of the Night Court being at the Hewn City. She decided not to visit this time, sure that Azriel would also be there and she could not stand to be near him. It was quiet, the silence only being broken by the gentle rustle of leaves and the welcoming chirps of the birds. The days were starting to turn cold again and she had wrapped herself in a warm sweater as she set out to till the garden beds. 

The shadows around her started to ripple and she froze. His shadows. Those were definitely his shadows. Why was he here? They had stayed as far away from each other as possible since that night and even though her pain had turned to resignation, she had no interest in seeing him again. As Gwyn and Nesta constantly reminded her- she deserved someone that would not give her gift to another female- so that it didn’t go to waste. She deserved a male that did not run away when the emotions got too much. She deserved better than him. 

She steeled herself- preparing to tell him to go. To tell him that he was not welcome here, but as he appeared those thoughts flew from her mind. Something was wrong, something was gravely wrong. Azriel swayed and then dropped to his knees, his breathing uneven, his eyes wild and unfocused. She had never seen him like his. She sprinted over to him as he slumped into the soil, her hand finding his and gripping it tightly. 

“Az…Azriel…what happened? Who did this to you?” 

He let out a grunt, one of his hands reaching out into the air for…nothing. Delirium. He was seeing things. Was she safe with him? She took her hand away and he whimpered, as pain bloomed on his face. She gulped and then placed her hands under his shoulders, trying to drag him that way, but he was too heavy. She looked at his wings and then to his feet…maybe…maybe dragging him by his legs would work better. Whatever was wrong with him- he needed to be inside, where it was warm and she could care for him, protect him. 

She made slow progress, but there was no one here to help and she could not give up on him. Even with everything that had happened. He was here and he desperately needed help. When she finally dragged him into the kitchen of the Riverhouse, she let out a sigh. She rolled him towards the fire, settling him close enough that he would stay warm and still he shook. Why? Why was he shaking? 

“Az…oh c’mon Azriel- tell me what happened.” 

“They…they put something in my system…I…I can’t think straight. Please…please don’t leave me.” 

He grasped her hand tightly, his eyes wild and he shook his head. His free hand clutched his head, as he squeezed his eyes shut and he desperately tried to stay with her. She could see in every bit of his body that he was fighting whatever had done this to him, but it was too much and he was losing. She was terrified of what might happen if he passed out again, so she settled on the floor next to him and pulled his torso into her lap. Cradling him. Sheltering him. She could go back to hating him after this wore off. 

“Talk to me, Azriel. I need you to stay awake. It’s just us and I can’t leave you to go get help. Stay with me.” 

“The colors- they’re so pretty…you’re so pretty.” 

His hand reached for her cheek, cupping it gently and then ghosting the air around her face. His eyes focusing and unfocusing. He didn’t know what he was saying and she could not let the hope grow in her heart that he meant any of it. He must have been drugged. 

“My shadows brought me home. Home is you.” 

“You don’t know what you’re saying. Why don’t you tell me about the shadows? How they came to you.” 

“No. No. If I tell you what they made me do, you won’t be able to look at me the same. I need you to look at me like I am a good male, like I am worthy. I’m so dirty and bloody, Elain- but you…” 

“I promise- I won’t look at you any differently, Azriel. I need to keep you awake- talk to me.” 

He looked like a small child, terrified that his parents would reject him from a small mishap. She knew that his past was not pretty from the little he had told her before, but she would not survive him telling her that she was beautiful when he had never said it in his right mind. That would haunt her worse than anything else he could say right now. 

“You are safe, Azriel. I promise. Just stay…just stay with me. I’ll get you through this.” 

“The shadows…they were my first friends. They came to me in the dark, gathered around me as I sat in that cell. Day after day. They told me things- stories of what the world was like outside. They brought me gifts, hopes. I learned from them what dawn was, what a sunrise could be. I learned that outside my cell and outside my father’s home- there was a great wide space. A world that had beauty. I was too weak at first. They snuck me food, water- anything to give me strength. Then…then they started sneaking me out in the night. They helped me see the world, sneak into the places I was never meant to be. I learned how to be quiet, how to hide, how to blend into the world. My shadows kept me company. And they protected me, Lainey. I only got sent to Windhaven because the shadows started fighting back.” 

His shadows writhed and she held him more closely. A smile spread on his face as he played with the shadows between his fingers and then projected them on the floor, manipulating them into various shapes. A flower. A crown. A broken heart. She gulped. Was that his heartbreak? Hers? Both? Neither? She did not get to think about it long as the shadows curled around her, caressed her. 

“They like you. They’ve always liked you. I’ve always liked you. I didn’t mean to, Lainey. I didn’t mean to.” 

Tears streamed down his cheeks as his shadows continued to play. She found herself wiping the tears away and trying to figure out how to move him away from that night. She did not want to hear about that night. If he was not brave enough to say this while he was himself, she could not accept this now. 

“What did they make you do, Az?” 

“No. No. Not that. I promised I would never say anything about that. Rhys’ father made me promise- when he trained me- that I would never explain how they made me.” 

“I’m good at keeping secrets and his father is long dead, you can tell me.” 

“He’s dead? He’s really gone? Why do I still have the shadows? He told me the shadows would leave when I was no longer in service of the Night Court- when I didn’t need to hide from the world anymore. Any time he could find me, detect me…they- they tortured me. And then they taught me how to torture. He said that I would know how to break people best because I had endured so much. I’ve killed…” He studied his hands, holding them in front of his face- tears still falling. He shook them for a moment and then hastily wiped them against his armor before bringing them back up. “Did I hurt you? Is the blood from you? I didn’t mean to…I never wanted to hurt you.” 

“I’m whole. You…you’ve never hurt me.” 

“No. I have. I know that I have hurt you. But it wasn’t with a blade. Truth-Teller. Rhys’ father gifted it to me because…because…it called to me? It was meant for me? And it craves blood- he said it craves blood- and my job had…has a ready supply. I’ve wanted to walk away from it for so long. I’ve wanted to just be me. Why can’t I just be me? What is so wrong with me? You…you see me. I…no one else ever has. Except my mother. My mother sees me, but she’s scared. She’s scared of what writhes under the surface- you’re not. Why are you not scared of me, Lainey? You should be. You should be terrified of what I can do to you. What I’ve done to so many.” 

“I…I don’t know who deserves it anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing. This is the only home I knew until…I asked the shadows to bring me home. And they brought me here. This isn’t home. I shouldn’t be here. I…I should go. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be with you.”

He tried to push himself up, crawling out of her lap and she scrambled to grab him as he tilted towards the open fireplace. It threw both of them off balance, as they crashed into the cabinets and she grimaced. He was unsteady, but determined. Why did he need to get away? She threw one of his arms over her shoulders and rammed her body against him. Maybe the drug was wearing off enough that she could limp them to her room, that she could get him into bed to sleep this off. 

“I’ll help you leave, Az. Just lean on me.” She lied smoothly as he staggered into a wall, breaking a vase and causing a painting to fall to the ground. She would give anything for one of the others to be here, to help him- because she could feel that he was spiraling. That there was something he was trying to say- some secret that he needed to keep, but he could no longer do that in this state. 

“During the war. The first one. I infiltrated enemy armies. I brought them to their knees with a few well placed assassinations. My shadows always guided me home then. They kept me company on the nights when I had to sleep in the graves of other fae- to hide from those that hunted me. I became a myth. I became a rumor. And…I thought…I thought that I, that Rhys, that he might let me be real with you. I want to be real. I don’t want to hide in the shadows anymore. Please don’t put me back in the shadows. I’ll be good, Lainey. I promise I’ll be good.” 

His pain. His desperation. The way that he crashed into the wall, pulling her with him and he cupped her face so that she could see every emotion that played there. He could hide nothing. She searched his face and she let the words settle over her. 

“Who said you can’t be with me?” 

He shook his head and ground his teeth, trying to pull away, forcing her to catch him again. Only being able to guide him to the ground with a bit less of a thump, as she crashed down across his body. A groan left him and she checked him for injuries. Maybe there was something on the wall that had hurt him. He kept shaking his head as she settled over him and was able to confirm that there was nothing else- just his drug addled state. She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. 

“Who said you can’t be with me?” 

“Hi…him.” 

His hand lifted and her head jerked to follow where he pointed. Rhys stood at the end of the hallway, his gaze dark and focused solely on Azriel. Azriel attempted to hide behind her and she stared at him. The realization washing over her. Rhys had told him to stay away and not to tell her, not to explain any of this to her. And he had just disobeyed Rhys and he could not protect himself- in the state he was in Rhys would tear him apart. No one deserved to be harmed when they were like this and her resolve settled. She would get him to her room, let him sleep this off, and protect him. Damn the consequences. And damn Rhys. 

“I…I wasn’t supposed to tell. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me again.” 

“He won’t hurt you- Az. I won’t let him.” 

“He’s too strong. He’ll hurt you. I can’t let him hurt you. Let him hurt me instead. I can take it. I can take it, Lainey. I messed up. It’s my punishment. It’s what I deserve. Go- leave me.” 

“I’m staying. You’re going to be safe and when…when this wears off- we’ll face him together.” 

“Face who?” Feyre’s voice broke in as Rhys continued to glower at them and she weighed her options. He was her sister’s mate, but she believed Azriel. She believed every word he had said since he had landed in the garden- out of his mind with whatever they had given to him. He had no way to filter his thoughts, even though he had tried. She needed someone to help her get Azriel to a place where he could sleep this off. So she took a steady breath and met Feyre’s eyes. 

“Rhys. And I don’t know why…or what happened, but he’s been drugged and he’s in no condition to fight. Please- help me, help him. Feyre…” 

Other footsteps sounded in the hallway. Too many. There were too many people witnessing this and Elain knew, she knew that Azriel would not want anyone to see him this way. But his shadows…his shadows had brought him to her. She shook her head. She could think about that later. Right now- she needed to put space between Azriel and Rhys until Azriel could explain everything that had happened to land him here. Azriel needed to be able to fight for himself. She was not foolish enough to believe that she could convince Rhys to let this go, she just needed to buy sometime. 

To her surprise, Cassian appeared and scooped Azriel up. He settled against him and Elain let out a breath she had not realized she was holding. Cassian was safe. Azriel thought or knew that Cassian was safe. He carried him effortlessly towards her rooms and her eyes went back to Feyre. She had not moved to help, she stood frozen. She had seen this before, when Rhys and Feyre were communicating telepathically. She was listening to Rhys’ side of this story- instead of seeing the utter terror that one of the most feared Illyrians to ever exist had displayed in front of her mate. In front of his High Lord. 

“Elain- the situation…is complicated.” 

“Fuck. you. There is nothing complicated about his fear. About him shrinking away from Rhys. About your mate threatening him at some point- maybe many points in their lives. It’s not complicated. You just don’t want to see what is in front of you.” 

She turned on her heel and then sprinted for her rooms. Azriel had not been able to tell her the truth, but she could put the pieces together. She could guess when this had originated and even though he didn’t deserve it, she would not let him be harmed. She would give him a chance to explain when he awoke and then she would judge if he deserved…if she could give him another chance. 

Night burst around her and she let up a scream, feeling Rhys’ hands grab her for a moment, trying to pull her away. Why? She didn’t know, but she could only imagine it was to weave his tale first. And then…then the shadows were upon them and Rhys jumped back. The shadows surrounded her, building a wall between them and she stood- glaring through them. She was terrified that he was not even going to be safe to sleep this off here. Where could they go? Where could she take him? There was no way he knew what he was saying, but Rhys didn’t seem to care. He seemed to be more concerned about what else Azriel might say. 

“If you want a chance at redemption, at forgiveness- you will let him sleep this off. And then you will- both- come clean. Or so help me, I will tear this court apart piece by piece. I will torture you the way that your family has tortured him. He kept your secret for nearly a year, he would have kept it longer. Whatever mission he was on- he’s compromised and they did this to try to kill him. And you’re just worried about your own precious reputation.” 

“Elain, I did what was best for this court. For you.” 

“And what about, Az? Is he not also a member of this court? He’s terrified of you. And that’s best for no one, Rhysand. And you fucking know it.” 

“Go, Lainey. I’ll stand guard. He’s worried about you.”