#day1287

Bow - Progress

New #dailycraft about Transmog Items. Sketchbook: #fanart made by a fan, for fun, for those a fan. /cheer! #warcraft

Hi.

So, it’s day 1287, and I haven’t written anything in 385. More than a year. Wow.

Life has been crazy, to say the least.

To sum it up, I’m a disappointment to my parents because I refused to get into college to get a masters degree in something that they wanted. It sucked for a while because well, we couldn’t stop fighting about it, until eventually the admission dates passed and they couldn’t fight me anymore. I’m not proud of being a disappointment, but I didn’t want to give in either. I just knew it wouldn’t make me happy. I still feel like shit for being so useless though. And I wonder every day of my life if I made a mistake, but I guess it’s too late for regrets.

I got a job. I found it incredibly amazing the first few months, and it’s not like it completely sucks right now, but I’ve been there for 10 months and some things are just a bit sucky. But whatever, it could be worse, I guess. It does take a lot of my time though, so that part actually sucks a lot. And it’s not well paid so that sucks as well.

My fight against my compulsive behaviors is still strong. I haven’t relapsed on trich, which is amazing considering how long it’s been, but I haven’t stopped scratching my nose either. On top of that, I’ve felt like shit for a long time. I was convinced by a friend to go to a party (which I usually hate) and I tried MDMA on that party. I took half a pill and then like 3 hours later I took another half and the first half wasn’t so bad but with the second half I was completely gone. It didn’t feel bad though, in fact, it felt completely good. I felt free and relaxed. I did make out with two guys and one girl the same night though, so that was a bit awkward, mostly because they all knew each other. It was funny though. And then I attended another party with the same friend and I only took half a pill and smoked some weed but it was enough to make me happy. It’s ok though, I don’t really feel the need to do it often. It’s just good fun in the moment. And my friend is always taking care of me and making sure I don’t do anything stupid so that’s great.

On a brighter note, I came out as bisexual (!!!!) to all of my closest friends aka my high school friends. And surprisingly, they were all supportive and understanding. I was so scared but now I feel so good and relieved. It’s great. I never thought I’d get here. I still haven’t told my parents though. And to be honest, I don’t think I ever will. I’m not strong enough to be rejected by them. I just don’t want to give them another reason to believe I’m a disappointment. I mean, I can deal with my siblings, they would have to get over it anyway, but I can’t deal with my parents. I just can’t and it sucks because I’m free outside but then I come back home and I’m lying again and I feel so tense and frustrated.  I truly hope I get the courage to talk to them one day.

And to end this post, I got a matching tattoo with my best friend. It’s a hummingbird. We both loved the design and it represents a lot of things about us so that’s pretty cool.

Anyway, I’ve done a couple of things this last year. I’m not proud of all of them, but that’s how it is. I guess I’ll try to update this blog more often from now on.

That’s all.