"We have a limit to what is safe and appropriate." These are words I've read throughout a book by Anne Katherine, M.A., called "Boundaries, Where You End, and I Begin". It is a book I often refer to when working with clients and families about their struggles with appropriate boundaries, or even reinforcing their boundaries that others attempt to violate. In my own life, I've become increasingly intentional about maintaining my personal boundaries. Particularly with regard to dating.
Recently, I agreed to meet a man for a lunch date. The date seemed a little awkward and I assumed that we were both either nervous, or he wasn't really interested in me. When our lunch date was over, he walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. Once I got home, I followed up with him, with a text, thanking him for lunch. He replied back and we exchanged a dialogue back and forth for a bit, and he was even flirty with me. My thought was, "okay, maybe he is interested in me." And then... the off-handed comments came and the suggestive and revealing photos of himself. He even began to pressure me to send similar photos of myself. I respectfully told him that I was not interested. I also explained to him why I preferred to not engage in the sexual dialogue he wanted to engage, as well as, why I would not send revealing and suggestive photos of myself. It boiled down to self-respect and the boundaries I have established for myself when it comes to sexually related exchanges. Essentially, I do not feel comfortable with these exchanges unless it is someone, whom with, I am intimately familiar. I barely knew this man and therefore, we did not have an intimate relationship. Despite what I said and despite my explaination, this man continued to engage in behavoirs that made me uncomfortable. I eventually ended the conversation with, "Perhaps we should take a break from talking to each other..."
As this man continued to seemingly harass me, I was beginning to see that he did not have respect for me, nor did he have respect for my boundaries. This man continued to violate my boundaries despite what I expressed and explained. We all deserve respect in a relationship and/or exchanges with others, especially in dating relationships.
In an archived article I recently came across, while perusing Psychology Today, author Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., PhD, identifies 3 etiquettes when it comes to respecting boundaries.
1) "Your individual preferences, opinions, needs, and feelings (that occur within you) should be respected by others."
Essentially, what Jeremy is conveying, is, that no one has the right to tell us how to react or feel about something. Rather, we are responsible for our own feelings and reactions. However, our thoughts and feelings should be respected by others, even if their perspective is different than ours. In the situation I encountered with my date, his perspective was different than mine. However, he did not respect my thoughts or feelings concerning my boundaries, nor did he respect that I felt uncomfortable with his advances toward me.
2) "You also have the right to pursue your interests and defend your personal boundaries."
I truly think that no explanation is needed, here, as to what Mr. Nicholson meant by this... Especially the right to defend our personal boundaries. In my case, I was not afraid to defend my boundaries concering sexually related exchanges, and I ended contact with the man who was disrespectfully violating my boundaries. Mr. Nicholson described it best in his article, when he said, "You should always have the right to say no or choose not to do something. Someone attempting to force you beyond that point is coercive and rude..."
3) "You further have a responsibility to respect the perspective and boundaries of others."
In a nutshell, Jeremy describes respecting the perspective of the other person, as long as you aren't infringing on their boundaries. If you decline the other person's requests or advances, because they are violating a boundary of your own, then do so while also respecting their thoughts and feelings. While I appreciated the assertiveness of my date, and understood his perspective of making sexual advances on women were different than what I expect from a man (I believe cultural differences that played a role in this), it still was not ok, from my perspective, as he was infringing on my boundaries in through his behavior (see point #1 and #2).
While dating can be frustrating, it is also nice to have someone by my side. However, I am unwilling to compromise my integrity, self-respect, or my boundaries in order to gain companionship. I believe no one should have to compromise those things in order to gain approval or acceptance by someone else. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I stood up for myself, rather than to cave into something that made me feel invaluable. I hope more people can recognize the importance of boundaries and use them as a way to create healthy relationships with others, especially in newly dating relationships.
