Life at 40-Something

If you saw this drawer, a month ago, it would have been filled to the brim with all sorts/variety of cheeses and cured meats (think prosciutto, pepperoni (not my cat), and salami) I LOVE cheese! And I love cured meat, especially prosciutto. But, they don't seem to really like me much. Key word: inflammation. A month ago, I started the process of removing big inflammation triggers from my diet... Dairy and gluten. I'm slowly getting around to removing processed meats. But, that's been more of a challenge (I love, and I mean LOVE bacon - more than prosciutto). However, I've barely had deli meat in my fridge during the last 2 months with the exception of taking some with me on my last solo trip. Over the course of the past month, I've been trying to get rid of the items in this drawer, and I'm now down to the last of the gouda. I finished the last string cheese yesterday, and the last of the pepperoni is gone as of last night. What you see left is essentially food items that are little man's (except the Purex bowl with the red lid... That still has gouda cheese in it). Ok, the bacon is for both of us. But, it's also nitrate free and I'm justifying this as a reason to still be able to eat it.

I won't even show y'all my pantry. Honestly, it's an embarrassing hot mess. But, I am proud to say that my pantry is stocked with all gluten free foods for myself. Anything that has gluten in it, are foods for my son. Or, for the OCCASIONAL indulgence for myself (I'm looking at you white chocolate & peppermint pretzels from Aldi).

Imagine, if you will, being dizzy and disoriented at all hours of your waking day. Your brain is working double time to adjust your vestibular system in order to keep your balance. And when you workout, it is working triple time. Imagine after a workout or the end of a workday, being SO EXHAUSTED, and having escalated dizziness and disorientation. Most days, you wake up feeling depleted and tired... 8 or 9 hours of sleep simply doesn't feel like enough. Imagine doing your most favorite activity, such as hiking, and needing a full day or even two, to allow your body to recover, afterward all because your body and YOUR BRAIN (remember, your brain is working over time in order to keep your vestibular system regulated) are over exerted. Imagine working a full workday in front of 2 screens, as a mental health therapist, processing with a client or gathering mental health information from one screen and quickly typing a note or the information you're gathering from another screen. Imagine how emotionally and mentally exerting your job is... On top of your brain doing all the functions it is meant to do in order to do your job, AND your brain working overtime to adjust (again) your vestibular system. Imagine how difficult it is, after that workday, to try to go to the gym because all the professionals say it will help you... But you're EXHAUSTED! Imagine having a full night of sleep, waking up, and going to the gym to do light strength training, and to run a couple of miles... Only to feel like you could really use a nap afterward.

Yesterday's hike was a solo one and began at the D. Boone Hut trailhead (trailhead #209), over to an amazing rock shelter, and then onto an unofficial/unmarked trail that lead me to giant Huecos. Upon exiting the trail leading to the Huecos, I ventured onto Gray's Arch and then over to Rush Ridge Trail; finally making way to my car.

According to Texas Beyond History, Hueco is a Spanish term that means 'hollow' and refers to circular depressions in rock faces or deep natural cisterns in rocks. The author of Hinterlands, Jerrell Goodpaster, adopted the term Hueco based on the Heuco Tanks that pocket the rock formations in Texas. Thus, naming the trail leading to the rock formations -here in The Red, that resemble Hueco Tanks- as Hueco trail.

The trail itself is nothing exciting until you reach the actual Huecos. I don't recommend hiking this trail when it has rained or snowed. I also don't recommend taking children on this trail. You will definitely need navigation skills as there are times when you might believe you're not on the trail (but, more than likely, you're on it). Depending on when you hike this trail, it might require some bushwhacking as this trail is overgrown in areas. Please be mindful of young trees on the trail and take care to not break or damage them. Please do your best to use Leave No Trace (LNT) practices while visiting these areas.

This trail bypasses the D. Boone Hut Trail and also bypasses a steep trek on Rough Trail; leading to an easier part of Rough Trail that ultimately takes you to Gray's Arch.

Gray's Arch is one of the larger natural arches in Red River Gorge. There are multiple ways to access Gray's Arch. Some of the trails are suitable for children. Exploring around and under Gray's Arch is fun and something kids can also enjoy. Just take caution of potentially dangerous falls.

As a side note, there is a trail marked Gray's Arch Trail (trail #205). But, it doesn't take you directly to Gray's Arch. Rather, it leads you to Rush Ridge Trail; which leads you in the direction of Gray's Arch.

Just as there are multiple ways to access Gray's Arch, there are also multiple ways to access the Gray's Arch parking/picnic area once you leave the arch itself. I recommend getting a good map (or two) of the trail systems in Red River Gorge.

The trail I took from Gray's Arch was Rough Trail to Rush Ridge, and then to Tunnel Ridge Road. The hike along this trail/path has some interesting formations (you might even be able to take a side trail to a rock shelter or two), requires a couple crossings of King's Branch, and an intense uphill trek (which also includes stair climbing at two points) to an intersection that gives you the option to continue Rough Trail or to choose Rush Ridge Trail. Once hiking along Rush Ridge Trail, you will be able to access a couple of overlooks and will have opportunities of some views of Raven's Rock. The hike along Rush Ridge is relatively flat and easy. Which is a nice relief after the upward trek that reaches Rush Ridge.

My hiking resources come from a well used map that I obtained from the Gladie Welcome Center, a couple summer's ago, two Books written by Jerrell Goodpaster: Red River Gorge Trail Guide and Hinterlands (note: Hinterlands is a trail guide of unofficial/unmarked trails throughout Red River Gorge and recommended only for those who are experienced hikers), and one book called Hiking Kentucky's Red River Gorge by Sean Patrick Hill.

While hiking past the Huecos, I discovered that I could have accessed them via Rough Trail. Although I appreciated the opportunity to explore the rock shelter prior to continuing the Hueco trail, as well as, testing my navigation skills, I personally would not hike this trail again. Especially now that I know I can access the Huecos from Rough Trail.

Yesterday's venture in the Red River Gorge took us to Tower Rock Trail. This is an official trail (#229) off 715 in Red River Gorge. This is a relatively easy loop (.8 mile) that leads up to, and around the base of a massive rock pinnacle that stretches upward of 90 feet.

Tower Rock is said to be possibly one of the first rock climbing locations in Red River Gorge. While the trail doesn't take you to the top of this rock structure (as the top of the pinnacle is only accessible by climbing with appropriate gear and knowledge of rock climbing), it does take you along a trail that provides views of interesting rock formations.

Once you arrive to the base of Tower Rock, there are many notable formations around Tower Rock and even on Tower Rock, itself. As well, there are some nooks, crannies, and small passages that allow for exploring around the base of Tower Rock. My son, who is 7-years-old, absolutely loved exploring this part of the hike and I would say it would be an enjoyable and manageable hike for most children.

Although a shorter hike than I usually prefer while visiting Red River Gorge, this little hidden gem is a keeper on my hiking list for The Red.

"...sometimes you just feel tired, you feel weak. And when you feel weak, you feel like you want to just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength. And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up. And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you want to just fall flat on your face and collapse..."

I told myself, "Tonight I'm going." A promise I made time after time since the quarantine was lifted and businesses were opening up again. I would put it on my agenda and then after a long ass day of telehealth sessions, I felt too depleted to go. Kid free night, after kid free night, I'd justify why I couldn't go. "I've gotta mow the yard so I can focus on ____ over the weekend." Or, "I gotta get the grocery shopping done so I don't have to drag my kid in with me or so I don't have to do it over the weekend." Every morning, I'd wake up, too tired and too worried about the paperwork deadlines I need to meet and to not have to worry about it... Yep, you guessed it, over the weekend.

But, tonight, I kept my promise. I made it here. And almost as soon as I walked through the door, I almost turned around to walk out. Emotional feelings of self-doubt and extreme self-consciousness made me want to go. Plus, my earbuds died before I even got started here. But, I stuck it out. With one goal in mind, "stick with a basic workout". So, there I was... Earbudless and self-conscious about myself in the middle of the gym. Before things went to shit and the vertigo kicked in, I was at my most confident self and felt like a badass walking in here. But, not tonight. Tonight, I knew my limitations and could feel the 15lbs I've gained the last 8 months jiggling about me.

But, I made a promise. So, I did a light strength training session. And I did what I had been saying I'd try to do... get on the treadmill since it's safer than the pavement. But, I was going to take it easy on myself.

A glorious half mile of running. All while feeling loopy because of my vertigo and hanging onto the treadmill with one hand. Running. One of my happy places. Running. What has been my stress relief and my strength when I felt down. Running. What I said I'd never do before 2017 and what lead me to my first half marathon, as well as, 20 additional races - which included 4 other half marathons. A glorious half mile -Running- that I have been dying to do and would kill to be able to do.

I've been here before. 3 months before I ever ran my first race and 6 months before my first half marathon... With the ability to run only a quarter mile while hanging on to the treadmill handles for dear life and breathing like I might need an ambulance any minute. I've been here before as I had to slowly build my running back up after a hip strain/pull that set me back for 3 months and only having 2 and a half months to train for 3 races during the Flying Pig weekend in 2019. And I'm here again staring at this number on the treadmill and wishing I could be on the pavement instead... Dreaming of getting dressed and stretching before heading out on a cold and dark morning for a run and knowing the exhilarating feeling after finishing that run with the cold in my face and the sweat dripping from my body.

I've never felt so self-conscious about myself as I have now. But to run, even for only a half mile, puts me in such a different mindset that I can't describe. I'm here and I will be crossing a finish line soon.

What a great read. I remember the time when I once aspired to complete a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail. I was 21 and I had spent MONTHS reading about the AT. I spent over a year planning for it; acquiring gear, practicing how to load my pack, taking said pack on hikes with me, planning how to budget for this adventure, and planning my agenda for this hike. While reading this article, I remember reading about Emma Gatewood when I first developed a fascination with hiking the AT. When I read about Emma Gatewood, I was amazed by her ability to complete a thru-hike of the AT with the little bit of items that she took with her.

My life got away with me and I never made that thru-hike. And as I get older, I ponder if I'm too old to take another chance at planning and hiking the AT. This morning, I was reminded of Grandma Gatewood and her age when she first thru-hiked the AT... All with nothing but a shoulder bag an army blanket, a shower curtain, a change of clothes, and wearing a pair of Keds. This article also reminded me to never give up on my dreams.

Let's have a moment of transparency. I begrudgingly came into the gym tonight. And as I slipped (I mean yanked) on my gym clothes, reality hit me. My running tank is too tight and my ankles are swollen. I've ate like shit all summer and I have barely made any effort to keep up with my workout regimen through the summer since the Flying Pig. My failure to follow through with my physical health goals are evident in the snugness of my gym clothes, the swollen look in my body, and the ever-growing number on the scale. How did I let myself go? Well... Over-extending myself with life demands and trying to find balance with things I enjoy, along with battling heartbreak and one dating set back after another. These things took the breath out of me over the last few months. And, I just couldn't muster the motivation or energy to get myself back on track. No matter how many times I told myself, "tomorrow I'll make it happen", I ended up failing to follow through by tomorrow. Or, I would keep up a day or two and then fall out.

It was like it was calling out to me and saying "You ARE Stronger", as I approached another end-cap and aisle at Hobby Lobby, yesterday. I was there to only purchase a few supplies and items that my son requested in order to make a birthday gift, as well as, a Father's Day gift for his father (my ex-husband). But, the items were piling up today as I came across a variety of decorations that I believed were necessary to adorn in my abode... A dangerous shopping method when I'm in a store like Hobby Lobby. And yet, here was another item. An item suited just for me.

Anyone who knows me, or has followed my blog, knows that I've experienced some challenging moments in my life, that at the time were devasting to me. But over time, many of these challenges made me stronger and some have even liberated me. During the last 6 months, I've hit a place that has really brought me down, hard. I felt like I could never get out of this black hole I was sinking into, no matter how hard I tried to climb out. I had one brief moment where I thought things were turning around; only to have my heart crushed to a million pieces. And I was sinking back into that hole.

"He probably thinks I'm crazy, by now" I think to myself as the phone, on the other end, rings. One ring, two rings, three rings, four... Voicemail. I had assumed by today, I was blocked.. I had left him text message after text message for the last 5 days. Pouring my heart out, asking 'Why?', apologizing, and saying so many times that I hoped the best for him. I even went to the lengths of desperation of reaching out through another source of communication. But, there was never a response. Since my last reply to a text conversation we were having - no response. For 5 days - no response. This phone call was my last attempt to make contact. But, I already felt as if I was bordering on harassing, crazy, stalker-woman. The beep from the voicemail prompts me to leave my message. Now was my chance to leave a message and say something so profound that it would hopefully elicit a response from him. I wanted an answer. I wanted to know if there was a chance to fix what happened. At worst, I wanted closure. But, my message was nothing but a tongue-tied and confusing presentation of words and thoughts that ended with choked up words and a 'good-bye'.

After I hung up, I shook my head and asked myself, "Why did this situation have me so affected?". Any time a relationship has ended with a man, over the past 4 years, I never took it very hard. I usually accepted that things ended. But, this situation shook me to my core.

As I sat and reflected on why I was behaving and reacting like a borderline psychotic person (I'm truly trying to be funny here), the words from a good friend rang in my ears "you were invested in the relationship". And she was right.

From the moment this man and I met, there was a connection that is beyond describable. The spark between us was instantaneous. And, from the moment we met, we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable; sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, dreams, goals, and wanting to be with each other at every moment we had available. Unlike past relationships or encounters I had with men, I went into this situation with my walls down. I wanted to take a chance... he was saying and doing all the things that made me think it was safe to take that chance. I was ready for this person. He was exactly what I needed in my life and I was willing to take every chance with him that I was afraid to do in the past, with other men. Yes, I was definitely invested. And that is why I was reacting the way I am.

I am grieving for, and, feel rejected by a person who lifted me up so quickly and so passionately. And then, he dropped faster than he lifted me up. He disappeared without a word or reason. He tossed me aside like I no longer mattered. And, I'm left feeling devastated. I try to reason with why this happened. I process through all of this; questioning myself, feeling dismayed, bargaining for another chance, feeling angry and vacillating between hoping he will reach out to me and not caring if he ever gives me the time of day.

I would like to think that I left the ball in his court. But, I'm unsure if he will even pick up that ball. I question, do I let this all go and move on? Do I give up the fight, or do I keep fighting? I try to grasp for any answer to help make sense of my world that appears shattered and crushed. How do I recover from this after spending 4 years of healing and gaining strength from my divorce; only now to be left feeling like my heart was torn into million pieces by this recent person? I took a chance on one person and I think to myself "look where it left me".

But, look where it also took me. A few weeks of my world seeming brighter than I have experienced in a very long time. And so, with a hurt heart, I thank him. I thank him for momentarily making me smile. I thank him for every moment he gave me- to make me feel like I mattered. With a heavy heart, I try to let him go with the hopes that maybe one day we will cross paths again, with the ability to forgive, and perhaps give things a chance again. In the meantime, I attempt the journey to heal my heart, thanking him.