#andshesoars

It was like it was calling out to me and saying "You ARE Stronger", as I approached another end-cap and aisle at Hobby Lobby, yesterday. I was there to only purchase a few supplies and items that my son requested in order to make a birthday gift, as well as, a Father's Day gift for his father (my ex-husband). But, the items were piling up today as I came across a variety of decorations that I believed were necessary to adorn in my abode... A dangerous shopping method when I'm in a store like Hobby Lobby. And yet, here was another item. An item suited just for me.

Anyone who knows me, or has followed my blog, knows that I've experienced some challenging moments in my life, that at the time were devasting to me. But over time, many of these challenges made me stronger and some have even liberated me. During the last 6 months, I've hit a place that has really brought me down, hard. I felt like I could never get out of this black hole I was sinking into, no matter how hard I tried to climb out. I had one brief moment where I thought things were turning around; only to have my heart crushed to a million pieces. And I was sinking back into that hole.

You lured me in, almost immediately. You were attentive and eager to know about me. Everything you said and did seemed to fall into my "list" of characteristics of what I was looking for, in a man. You were charming with your compliments and gestures. You seemed supportive of my interests and goals. Not even a full 6 weeks and 5 dates into our new relationship, you were playfully insistent about a future with me. You made me envision such a fantasy as a possible reality.

Then the red flags began to appear. At first, they were subtle. And then, you began to cancel plans or dodge plans I attempted to make with you. Soon, red flags began to be even more apparent. You avoided my questions or statements when I was confronting you about an issue or concern related to our realtionship. You expressed little to no empathy for moments in my life that were upsetting. And when I expressed "this isn't working", you didn't offer a solution or ask what you could do to help improve the relationship. Instead, you said things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way".

We played this forgiveness dance of trying to start over. But, you continued to bail on plans to meet in person, or to talk on the phone. The excuses became more and more as I played the waiting game for you... For 3 weeks. You continued to say all the right things and kept me lured in. Until I finally said, 'enough' because, I deserve better.

I deserve a man who will do whatever it takes to show me that he wants to be committed to me. He will make time for me. He will never make me wait for him, nor, never ask me to wait for him. He will calm my fears when I question our relationship, and go out of his way to make sure I can trust his intentions. He will never make empty promises, empty plans, nor create illusions of who he is. He will be transparent and strive to keep our communication open. He will take ownership when I hold him accountable; rather than avoid or deflect. And when I try to walk away, he will fight to keep me.

"We have a limit to what is safe and appropriate." These are words I've read throughout a book by Anne Katherine, M.A., called "Boundaries, Where You End, and I Begin". It is a book I often refer to when working with clients and families about their struggles with appropriate boundaries, or even reinforcing their boundaries that others attempt to violate. In my own life, I've become increasingly intentional about maintaining my personal boundaries. Particularly with regard to dating.

Recently, I agreed to meet a man for a lunch date. The date seemed a little awkward and I assumed that we were both either nervous, or he wasn't really interested in me. When our lunch date was over, he walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. Once I got home, I followed up with him, with a text, thanking him for lunch. He replied back and we exchanged a dialogue back and forth for a bit, and he was even flirty with me. My thought was, "okay, maybe he is interested in me." And then... the off-handed comments came and the suggestive and revealing photos of himself. He even began to pressure me to send similar photos of myself. I respectfully told him that I was not interested. I also explained to him why I preferred to not engage in the sexual dialogue he wanted to engage, as well as, why I would not send revealing and suggestive photos of myself. It boiled down to self-respect and the boundaries I have established for myself when it comes to sexually related exchanges. Essentially, I do not feel comfortable with these exchanges unless it is someone, whom with, I am intimately familiar. I barely knew this man and therefore, we did not have an intimate relationship. Despite what I said and despite my explaination, this man continued to engage in behavoirs that made me uncomfortable. I eventually ended the conversation with, "Perhaps we should take a break from talking to each other..."

As this man continued to seemingly harass me, I was beginning to see that he did not have respect for me, nor did he have respect for my boundaries. This man continued to violate my boundaries despite what I expressed and explained. We all deserve respect in a relationship and/or exchanges with others, especially in dating relationships.

In an archived article I recently came across, while perusing Psychology Today, author Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., PhD, identifies 3 etiquettes when it comes to respecting boundaries.

1) "Your individual preferences, opinions, needs, and feelings (that occur within you) should be respected by others."

Essentially, what Jeremy is conveying, is, that no one has the right to tell us how to react or feel about something. Rather, we are responsible for our own feelings and reactions. However, our thoughts and feelings should be respected by others, even if their perspective is different than ours. In the situation I encountered with my date, his perspective was different than mine. However, he did not respect my thoughts or feelings concerning my boundaries, nor did he respect that I felt uncomfortable with his advances toward me.

2) "You also have the right to pursue your interests and defend your personal boundaries."

I truly think that no explanation is needed, here, as to what Mr. Nicholson meant by this... Especially the right to defend our personal boundaries. In my case, I was not afraid to defend my boundaries concering sexually related exchanges, and I ended contact with the man who was disrespectfully violating my boundaries. Mr. Nicholson described it best in his article, when he said, "You should always have the right to say no or choose not to do something. Someone attempting to force you beyond that point is coercive and rude..."

3) "You further have a responsibility to respect the perspective and boundaries of others."

In a nutshell, Jeremy describes respecting the perspective of the other person, as long as you aren't infringing on their boundaries. If you decline the other person's requests or advances, because they are violating a boundary of your own, then do so while also respecting their thoughts and feelings. While I appreciated the assertiveness of my date, and understood his perspective of making sexual advances on women were different than what I expect from a man (I believe cultural differences that played a role in this), it still was not ok, from my perspective, as he was infringing on my boundaries in through his behavior (see point #1 and #2).

I scroll through Facebook of all the happy faces. Pictures of women with their families, wishing their significant others a Happy Father's Day. Pictures of friends and family with their fathers, step-fathers, and like-a-father; wishing them a Happy Father's Day. As I scroll through these pictures, I sit here, in silence. I sit in silence because my son is with his father, celebrating a day devoted to his dad. And, I sit in silence because my father is no longer here for me to celebrate in honor of him.

Father's Day is always bittersweet each year. I celebrated my last Father's Day, with my father, 13 years ago. I celebrated my final father's day ever, with my ex-husband, 3 months before he told me he wanted a divorce. The past 4 years, I have done activities to take my mind off the heartbreak of not having the ability to physically celebrate father's day with my father, or a significant other. Today, I did yard work and found it ironic that I was doing a task that I watched my father do at his own home, hundreds of times. And watched my ex-husband do many times during the years we were married and had our house together. I was doing a task that most fathers do. As I worked on the yard and thought of the irony of me doing that yard on Father's Day, I tried to think back to the last Father's Day that I celebrated with my father. And I couldn't remember too many details.

I can't recall what I got for my father on such a special day. I can only recall that I did visit with him. I remember he was very ill and laying in his recliner. No doctor could determine what was causing the excruciating pain he was experiencing. I recall a conversation about testing he had to undergo; to determine if he had cancer. But, I can't remember a single detail of how I spent that final Father's Day with him. And, this devastates me. It devastates me that I don't have memories of those final months I got with him. And now, I wish I could recall every moment I did get to spend with him.

As each year passes, Father's Day becomes foreign to me. The only thing that keeps me aware that the day exists, is that my son asks me to take him to shop for a gift and card; for him to give to his father. This task becomes more difficult each year as it is a reminder of the separation of what was once my family, and that I don't have a tangible reason to celebrate.