#datingabuse

I found this. I feel like this really speaks to why I’m having trouble getting through a disagreement in my new relationship without being extremely hard on myself. I’m really used to being wrong. I’m sorry. 😔

Have you checked out our latest blog post? Click the link in our bio to read about dating abuse and what you can do to help stop it. @amend_together #EndDVNow #datingabuse #YWCANash https://www.instagram.com/p/B_k5-A4lbYLtmFWKcYV1xO6U0BpHFerp6E8skY0/?igshid=yzue9qx50d0h

I knew I had to make a post in honor of teen dating violence awareness month. February is national teen dating violence awareness month; one month out of the year to raise awareness about dating abuse and help educate younger generation about relationship violence. I wasn’t aware of this when I was a teen because so much has changed with social media and different movements since then (I feel old now) I am not even sure if it existed. I wish I had known however because this is when I started being drawn to dangerous men. If you asked me what made an unhealthy relationship I would easily be able to tell you or give examples. If you were to ask me what made a healthy relationship however, it was another story. I would’ve most likely said “oh I don’t know, stuff you see in movies, what I want but can’t have... it’ll never happen for me” a statistic that makes me cringe is nearly 1 in 10 teenagers have been physically abused by a partner within the last year (men and women) I have come a long way within the last ten years or so since I was a teen. When i was 19 I got a purple butterfly with the dv ribbon tattooed on my hip; to simplify an abusive relationship I had been in a year earlier. The guy doing the tattoo asked me what it meant and I told him I had a boyfriend who wasn’t so nice. This was my first real boyfriend, the first man I had sex with and the first guy I ever said “I love you” to. He was verbally, physically and sexually abusive but at the time I didn’t know it. All I knew was he’d call me fat, make me do sexual things against my will, and I was afraid of him because he hit me with a gun. I knew it wasn’t right and that’s why I ultimately broke up with him amongst other reasons. Needless to say, I got the butterfly tattoo because I promised myself never again would I let a man mistreat me. Little did I know what life had in store only two years later... I’ve done several articles on dating abuse so I will not go fully into it however I wanted to address relationship behaviors that are actually unhealthy but easily disguised. Abuse isn’t always obvious and can take many forms, from mental & spiritual to physical. It’s easy to confuse abuse as love especially when we’re younger and so badly want to be accepted. Abusers are master manipulators & try to convince you it’s your fault or they only act a certain way because “I care about you.”  My ex used to justify taking my phone, yelling at and trying to prevent me from having friends as “it’s only because I love you so much.” But jealousy and controlling behavior isn't love and it's important to distinguish the real thing from a potentially harmful, dysfunctional relationship. Oftentimes people only assume they can be abused if their partner hits them, so it’s not uncommon for toxic patterns of gaslighting and put downs to slip under the rug. Other examples are 1. Constant worrying about where you are may manifest as concern, but keeping tabs on where you are 24/7 and acting like a parole officer isn’t cute. 2. Put downs disguised as jokes. Always making mean “jokes” at your expense is not cool. Gentle teasing is one thing but embarrassing you in front of other people is  not OK. 3. Claiming you’re the only one they have. This makes you feel guilty if you ever feel the need to escape the relationship. A lot of abusive partners even threaten suicide/homicide when things escalate. These threats although usually a manipulative tactic, are to be taken very seriously.  4. Moving too fast. Quick involvement is a well-known red flag/characteristic of domestic abuse. 5. Not letting you be independent or make your own decisions. They might claim they only want what’s best for you but really, this isn’t the case unless the best is them. A healthy relationship is interdependent and each person has the right to their own freedom as long as they are respectful. 6. Bribing you with money or  gifts. A classic example is the bouquet of roses after a man hits his wife. He shows his sympathy after the fact, then acts like it never happened the next day. Don’t get caught up in fancy gifts or what your partner promises you in the future. Make decisions based on how you feel, now; not how you wish things could be. Abusers aim to keep their victims in a fog. This fog includes fear obligation and guilt. If you constantly feel afraid & responsible for your partner’s happiness, you need to take a step back and reestablish some boundaries. I hope by sharing my story and encouraging others to do the same I can make a difference in the life of at least one person. I encourage coming together to discuss these issues that unfortunately affect many people. I suggest parents talk with their children about healthy relationships, host a fundraiser at your school and volunteer in your community. I believe school should be less about math and history (although that stuff is good to know at times) & more about real life situations, relationships & communication. So spread the word! Your voice matters. Take action now towards preventing partner abuse in your community.

Abuse, babies. #datingabuse #women #feminism #hit #donthitwomen #humanrights #pinterest #healthyrelationship #relationships (at Moorhead, Minnesota)

Dating abuse is a social issue that impacts people of all identities, ages and backgrounds. Among those who experience stalking, physical or sexual violence, most experience a form of it for the first time before the age of twenty-five. It’s upsetting to say, one in four young people will or have undergone sexual/physical violence. Sexual assault and intimate partner violence are an epidemic. On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, stalking, or physical abuse or in the U.S. — this accounts for more than 12 million men and women over the course of a year. Nearly 29% of females and 10% of males in the United States have experienced physical attack, rape, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. Most female victims of domestic violence were previously victimized by the same offender. From 1994 to 2010, roughly 4 in 5 victims of domestic abuse were girls. Around 15% of women and 4% of men have been injured as a result of intimate partner violence in their life. Women ages 18-24 and 25 to 34 generally experienced the highest rates of violence. 24.3% of women and 13.8% of men ages 18 and up (in America) have been victims of severe physical battery in their lifetime. People who are abusive tend to think it’s their right to restrict their loved ones and enjoy the feeling that exerting power provides. They traditionally believe their needs are more important than anybody else’s, so they use tricks and tactics to eliminate equality and fairness to make their partner feel less love for themselves, and more for them.  Abusive behavior is learned behavior. People can see it displayed in their own homes growing up with dysfunctional familial systems. In other situations, they may learn it from their peers or pop culture (patriarchy). A lot of people have witnessed abuse growing up and make a decision to not become abusive themselves whereas others continue the cycle. Outside forces such as (substance) addiction may make abuse worse, but these do not cause abuse; it is always a choice. Surprisingly, anybody can be an abuser and anyone can be a victim of abuse. Most people who have never been involved in a violent relationship commonly ask the question as to why a person wouldn’t just leave. These people do not understand that ending a relationship with abuse involved is far more difficult and complicated than it appears. There’s a lot of reasons why a person may choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Some factors to consider are: pressure, conflicting emotions, distrust of authority/adults and reliance on a partner. Leaving intimate partner violence is the most life threatening time for a victim, and when rates of homicide are highest. Once a victim decides to leave, they are threatening the abusers sense of power which can cause the abusive partner to retaliate. Aside from danger, a victim could be afraid of what will happen when they leave. They may have low self-esteem since their partner has been putting them down on a daily basis for so long. They might not know what a healthy relationship is and they feel a strong sense of longing and attachment to their partner. It becomes more complicated when they have kids and a family or house with them. The person being abused remembers what the batterer was like in the beginning of courting, and they wish they would go back to who they “used to be.” It’s also common to have fear that their peers such as family and friends, will judge them out of doubt or shame. Disability, lack of resources and money, and cultural/religious reasons also play a big role in why people stay in abusive relationships. It’s rare for domestic violence to end right when the victims gets out of the relationship. Frequently, a person tries to escape or terminate the relationship but it doesn’t work out that way. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to threaten, harass and stalk their [ex] partner because they will feel a loss of control. After the person escapes or tries to seek help, it’s important and crucial to create a safety plan. 1/5 of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within 2 days of obtaining the order and 1/3 are murdered within the first month. A blame is repeatedly put upon the victim since assumptions are made they wanted the abuse, since they entered the relationship. This is unfair and not true. Ending abuse isn’t a matter of a person “just leaving” it’s a matter of them being able to escape safely and then the abuser must choose to end the abuse also. If this doesn’t happen a person may choose to take matters into their own hands by going to court, or involve other forces like law enforcement to hold them accountable for the damage they have done. Domestic violence is willful intimidation, battery, assault, and/or other dysfunctional behavior. A systematic pattern of power and control is perpetrated by one partner against the other. It can include sexual, physical and psychological violence, and emotional/verbal abuse. The severity and frequency can vary however, one constant component are consistent efforts to maintain power and control during the relationship. Domestic violence is a social [health] issue affecting individuals in every community. Domestic abuse can result in injury, trauma, and in some cases, death. The devastating consequences of intimate partner violence may last a lifetime.

Hey, thanks for writing in! This sounds like it could potentially be a form of technological abuse. If you are feeling unsafe or as though your partner isn’t respecting your wishes, know that it is not OK for them to continue what ever that behavior is. One thing that you could consider doing is having a conversation with him and being very clear and straightforward with you communication. Let him know that this is a behavior that you will not tolerate. Another option is to block his phone number. This is a more serious step but it is something that many people who experience this have done before. If you would like to safety plan around this concern you can always call the Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 866-726-3014. 

Yes you can call anonymously.