Abuse disguised as Love
I knew I had to make a post in honor of teen dating violence awareness month. February is national teen dating violence awareness month; one month out of the year to raise awareness about dating abuse and help educate younger generation about relationship violence. I wasn’t aware of this when I was a teen because so much has changed with social media and different movements since then (I feel old now) I am not even sure if it existed. I wish I had known however because this is when I started being drawn to dangerous men. If you asked me what made an unhealthy relationship I would easily be able to tell you or give examples. If you were to ask me what made a healthy relationship however, it was another story. I would’ve most likely said “oh I don’t know, stuff you see in movies, what I want but can’t have... it’ll never happen for me” a statistic that makes me cringe is nearly 1 in 10 teenagers have been physically abused by a partner within the last year (men and women) I have come a long way within the last ten years or so since I was a teen. When i was 19 I got a purple butterfly with the dv ribbon tattooed on my hip; to simplify an abusive relationship I had been in a year earlier. The guy doing the tattoo asked me what it meant and I told him I had a boyfriend who wasn’t so nice. This was my first real boyfriend, the first man I had sex with and the first guy I ever said “I love you” to. He was verbally, physically and sexually abusive but at the time I didn’t know it. All I knew was he’d call me fat, make me do sexual things against my will, and I was afraid of him because he hit me with a gun. I knew it wasn’t right and that’s why I ultimately broke up with him amongst other reasons. Needless to say, I got the butterfly tattoo because I promised myself never again would I let a man mistreat me. Little did I know what life had in store only two years later... I’ve done several articles on dating abuse so I will not go fully into it however I wanted to address relationship behaviors that are actually unhealthy but easily disguised. Abuse isn’t always obvious and can take many forms, from mental & spiritual to physical. It’s easy to confuse abuse as love especially when we’re younger and so badly want to be accepted. Abusers are master manipulators & try to convince you it’s your fault or they only act a certain way because “I care about you.”  My ex used to justify taking my phone, yelling at and trying to prevent me from having friends as “it’s only because I love you so much.” But jealousy and controlling behavior isn't love and it's important to distinguish the real thing from a potentially harmful, dysfunctional relationship. Oftentimes people only assume they can be abused if their partner hits them, so it’s not uncommon for toxic patterns of gaslighting and put downs to slip under the rug. Other examples are 1. Constant worrying about where you are may manifest as concern, but keeping tabs on where you are 24/7 and acting like a parole officer isn’t cute. 2. Put downs disguised as jokes. Always making mean “jokes” at your expense is not cool. Gentle teasing is one thing but embarrassing you in front of other people is not OK. 3. Claiming you’re the only one they have. This makes you feel guilty if you ever feel the need to escape the relationship. A lot of abusive partners even threaten suicide/homicide when things escalate. These threats although usually a manipulative tactic, are to be taken very seriously.  4. Moving too fast. Quick involvement is a well-known red flag/characteristic of domestic abuse. 5. Not letting you be independent or make your own decisions. They might claim they only want what’s best for you but really, this isn’t the case unless the best is them. A healthy relationship is interdependent and each person has the right to their own freedom as long as they are respectful. 6. Bribing you with money or gifts. A classic example is the bouquet of roses after a man hits his wife. He shows his sympathy after the fact, then acts like it never happened the next day. Don’t get caught up in fancy gifts or what your partner promises you in the future. Make decisions based on how you feel, now; not how you wish things could be. Abusers aim to keep their victims in a fog. This fog includes fear obligation and guilt. If you constantly feel afraid & responsible for your partner’s happiness, you need to take a step back and reestablish some boundaries. I hope by sharing my story and encouraging others to do the same I can make a difference in the life of at least one person. I encourage coming together to discuss these issues that unfortunately affect many people. I suggest parents talk with their children about healthy relationships, host a fundraiser at your school and volunteer in your community. I believe school should be less about math and history (although that stuff is good to know at times) & more about real life situations, relationships & communication. So spread the word! Your voice matters. Take action now towards preventing partner abuse in your community.
