#dafty news

BRITISH WOMEN BRACE THEMSELVES FOR INEPT SEX DUE TO BBQ TESTOSTERONE SURGE

Women across the UK are steeling themselves for bouts of brief, and laughably inept sexual intercourse with their partners as British men experience a testosterone surge brought about by barbecuing meat in the garden during the predicted weekend fine spell.

Psychologists attribute the phenomena to the ‘hunter-gatherer’ syndrome, whereby, men who have shown little or no interest in sex for years,…

Worry as More Men in Their 40s Found to be Into Superhero Comics

A DISTURBING report published earlier this week reveals a staggering amount of men in their 40s who are still reading superhero comics.

The worrying report has also established a rise in middle-aged men dressing up as heroes with more concerns revealing a hidden stash of comics has weirdly replaced porn collections.

Psychologists at the Asshole University for Male Pattern Weirdnesstold Dafty News:

People in Glasshouses to be Given Bigger Stones

THE government announced today that everyone living in, or simply visiting glasshouses, will be handed the added bonus of being allocated bigger stones, it has emerged.

The move will see an end to age-old cliches and phrases the government wish to stamp out.

Prime Minister David Cameron outlined his plans to eradicate silly sayings with his first of many revamps of the use of the English language.

Plumber Hailed a Hero After Leaving a Tidy and Satisfied Job

A 36-YEAR-OLD plumber from Nottingham in England was praised earlier this morning after fitting a complete shower unit without leaving any leaks, it has emerged.

In a bizarre and most unusual twist of events, the plumber also tidied up after him; leaving the home owner customer with absolutely nothing to do apart from put all their shampoos and shower gels inside the 90cm quadrant shower…

Valentine’s Day Banned as it May Offend Ugly Single People

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS took a new twist this morning after a campaign won a legal battle to ban the popular traditional Valentine’s Day – in case it offends ugly and single people.

The campaign, led by a group thought to be behind the banning of the word Christmas around non-Christians, made this statement outside the Court of Banning Everything and Anything:

“It’s been a long hard battle but…

Woman Recovering In Hospital From Exhaustion After Being Overwhelmed With Facebook Petition Invites

A 36-YEAR-OLD mother-of-four was being treated in hospital last night for exhaustion after receiving an incredible 6,000 invites to sign petitions on Facebook, it has emerged.

Doctors say the busy housewife almost overdosed on Facebook petition invites and warned other users on the social media site to be vigilant and take extra precaution.

Doctor Helmstein spoke to the press outside the hospital…

Weight Guru Reveals 8000-calorie Diet Guaranteed For Fast Fat-fuck Results

HEALTH guru has revealed the stunning secrets to an unhealthy lifestyle in a blueprint designed to put everyone at ease and give them that much-needed reassurance that everything will be fine, as long as you don’t look after yourself.

Add inches the easy way

Take sugar in everything – even on your pizza and chips

Drink at least 8-pints of beer each day

Do NOT take part in any forms of exercise…