I woke up before 6 this morning in a panic attack. I had dreamed I was being suffocated and I was so convinced I couldn’t breathe. I spent almost an hour trying to remember how to work through panic attacks but also trying to set my Apple Watch to check oxygen levels. (It’s an older one so I can’t but apparently newer ones can). My nose has been so sore since I had Covid a month ago that I was certain my nose was just going to fall off lol. It’s hurt literally ever since because I’m constantly blowing my nose even now but this morning I was positive my septum was just going to disintegrate. That made me think about how the nose has little hairs in it that act as an air filter. If I went full Voldemort then even if I could remember how to breathe, the air wouldn’t be clean and I would suffocate on dirt and scum and germs and god knows what all. That thought led to “am I going to die today? My dad died last year on January 26th, am I going to die this year, just a day earlier?” The panic got worse and I couldn’t stop thinking about my family. What would happen to my mom? My brother? My husband? My cat? How could I hurt them like this? Would they even be hurt? Would my cat understand that I didn’t abandon him? The only thing that pulled me out of bed for work was the fact that I work at a clinic - they could use a pulse ox to check my oxygen levels. By this point I didn’t have time to shower or anything, I pulled on my clothes, held my breath as I kissed my husband (I was afraid if he woke up he’d see how distraught I was and I’d have to tell him I thought I was dying but I couldn’t stand the thought of dying without kissing him goodbye) and then sprinted out the door. It was sleeting my whole 45 minute commute, and I think that the road and the weather are the only things that pulled me out of the panic attack. By the time I got to work I was too embarrassed to ask any of the nurses to help me and never checked my oxygen levels. I spent all day feeling on edge and exhausted and embarrassed. I had an aggressive patient come in this afternoon and I had to spend an hour and a half with him, trying to keep calm because I knew if he could see how emotional I was feeling he would get to that level too and he was already aggressive enough to scare me, his knows what would have happened. The anxiety grew some more. I finally finished my 10 hour shift and drove home in silence, the other cars scaring me on the interstate. When I got home my husband wasn’t home despite the fact he should’ve been home a half hour prior. I texted him before going inside to hold my cat and try not to cry. My husband got home about an hour late, letting me know stuff happened at work and he got stuck, and I was trying so hard to laugh with him and hear about his day but I just snapped. We went from laughing to tears just pouring down my face and he asked if I was okay and all I could say was “Dad died tomorrow.” Finally got that under control and he asked about my day and I couldn’t lie to him anymore and so I unloaded everything on him. And then I started sobbing and couldn’t breathe, which led back to my earlier panic…