are you okay mun? i'm worried about you.
Due to parent death mention and stuff regarding it, my response will be under the cut.
I'm not, nor have I been. Dealing with a death is hard. Dealing with the death of a mother is hard. Watching her die is hard and I won't deny that it screws me up inside. There are things about it that I won't go into here that haunt me. The look of death and the noises that accompany it are burned into my mind. Caring for her with the futility of knowing what's to come. There's a solemn futility that devastates you in ways you can't really shake or describe. Feelings that bore into the soul that, unless you've experienced it, I don't think others understand. She lived with me, and the eerie silence makes me feel like garbage. I'm in that stage where it feels like she'll be home any second, but I know that will never come. That I'm completely alone in the world when I'm in this house, and it's all so overwhelmingly crushing right now. I take peace in knowing I got to tell her goodbye, but now I can never talk to her again. I can never hug her or spend time with her. I grieved someone while they were still alive, and I would not wish that on anyone. I have to shoulder everything by myself now, and it sucks. There are so many uncertainties in my life and so much I still have to do. This house is a mess, my life is also a mess. I have a lot of time now, so much so that I don't know what to do with it all.
I'm lucky to have a lot of support, from family, coworkers, friends and you guys. I appreciate it more than you all know. I want to reach out, but it's so hard to be vulnerable when I've been hurt a lot in the past and people have weaponized those vulnerabilities. I appreciate everything that's been said, every kind word means so much to me right now.
I'm trying to hang in there. Some days are worse than others. Today happens to be that day. I don't want to burden anyone, so I've tried to distract myself with escapism instead. It's worked until today. I think it's just a down day for me.
I'll be alright. That's what I have to say. I've been through a lot in life, and I know more than anyone that once you're at the bottom of a pit, the only way you can go is up.
