Jul 28
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Day #71
This isn’t the place I would like to come to write. When I’m here it means I’m desperate and the feeling of being doomed is way bigger. I moved, I was doing fine at first, first week wasn’t has bad as I thought and yesterday it all came back like it never left. I can’t eat, my throat is dry and I’m struggle to breathe. I’ve taken the approach of just feel it till it goes away. And it worked for a while, for minor events but yesterday and today it’s like I’m being hit by waves. I’m facing anxiety and this feeling of death like “yeah if you kill me you kill me” and I sit here feeling and goes away for a minute and comes back punching me.
My neck so stiff I can not move, my jaw locked like it’s glued together. My lungs feel small. My heart hurts my chest is heavy . Already took my meds and I really don’t want to throw up because that means I’m taking out the meds that can make me feel better.
I feel defeated just by being here writing. I feel like all the work done is burned into ashes. I did the 333 rule. Funny enough 3 is my favorite number.
Therapist: So how do we handle stress?
Me: OVERWHELM THE SENSES!
Therapist:...no
Me: MUSIC IN THE EARS 24/7!!!! READING FANFICTION!!! KNITTING!!!
Therapist:...
Me: NO SOCIAL INTERACTIONS!!!
it felt pretty good to not be deathly anxious while outside.
usually when i go outside im so scared i feel sick. last time was yesterday while coming here actually. i almost threw up in the line through security because of how straight up terrified i was. panicked and anxious the whole day from i woke up to the moment i got to the airbnb, anxious until i was numb.
but today! i was outside without feeling like i was going to die any moment. of course there were some scary and panicky moments but i wasn’t scared the whole time. the anxiety that usually floats around me like a lingering aura and hugging me like a straitjacket wasn’t there. i feel like ive had a day of slight peace. i feel like myself at the same time i feel completely alien.
now, back at the airbnb i am anxious again, its for absolutely no reason. but its there. i’m also overwhelmed and tired both physically and mentally. but i’m not feeling bad. it’s kinda like the moonlight. it’s not a good source of light at all, but it still shines in the darkness, and is very very beautiful.
I’ve been trying so hard to advocate for myself at work lately and my mental health has been a disaster and I cried so hard not even two weeks ago trying to have the conversation with my director but finally my supervisor agreed that she would try to set up an eval and conversation with at least me and her. All I want is to move forward as a therapist, and if that can’t happen, I want someone to explain what I’ve been doing wrong. I have my degree. I have experiencing. Im already doing therapy sessions. Give me the supervision, title, and pay I deserve. My mental health is garbage right now and I feel like conquering this hurdle will help
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I’ve been having a whole day long panic/anxiety attack and I’m losing my damn mind.
I know why I’m anxious, I can’t sleep hardly at all so I’m always exhausted. (Mostly because of severe ptsd nightmares) I don’t have any consistent schedule which means no consistent pay. I’m picking up my daughter at the end of November and if I don’t have consistent pay and hours, I’m totally fucked. I already can’t afford childcare. Her dad is doing his damndest to find a way to fuck me over. He’s already put me in a ton of debt.
The “easy” answer would be: quit and find a new job.
But I’m not qualified for much, remote work would be the ideal but out here all that’s hiring for it is stuff that requires degrees I don’t have.
Sure I can do dog walking, maybe baby sitting, but idk if I’d even come close to being able to pay for all my bills and debt.
I’ve applied to a billion different places today. It’s the weekend so I won’t hear anything soon. I called my boss sobbing and she bribed me to come to work by paying me an extra $3 an hour for the night. But idk if I can keep doing this. I want to quit so badly, look for something that won’t make me so anxious I’m sick, but idk what I’d even be able to do
So I have horrible anxiety when driving. Just ducking horrible.
A while back, my phone instead of connecting to my music, connected to a podcast (distractable). I’m still ridiculously anxious, but nowhere near how I was.
I’ve tried calm music, fast music, just all kinds. And nothing has helped my anxiety.
I now understand why old people listen to talk radio. I have become an old person. (Fr tho I’m glad it works for the most part, however adds in some podcasts that the speakers do drive me fucking insane)
Pov: it's 10:30 PM, tomorrow you have school and your teacher mailed you saying that she will check your summer homework (which, in your case, is still unfinished)