#creative struggle

I will definitely finish this chapter tonight. I have the entire plot mapped out in my head."

Also me, 3 hours later:

I avoid making jewelry by knitting.

Artwork by Ben Giles

Growing up, American movies were the only ones encouraging me to follow my dreams.

‘You can do anything, just believe you can and you will!’

Naturally, this idea instilled in me shitloads of unrealistic expectations. For many years I blindly followed several dreams I had - the first was to be a painter, then a writer, a journalist, and finally a video producer & video editor.

I was trying really hard to ignore the fact that being poor, having no connections or street cred in any of these industries were factors that could potentially slow me down a lot or even terminate my dreams completely.  

After a few years, I learnt the hard way that being talented, creative, hard working and passionate about anything I do is not enough. All the strategies I tried failed miserably. A few people tried to help me along the way, but it all fell apart. Some filmmakers led me on for months to invest my time and money working for them for free, giving them my creative ideas with the prospect of maybe getting a job opportunities via them. That failed as well, because turns out it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and no one truly wants to mentor or help you in any way, because nobody helped them either so why should they help anyone else? Of course, there is also the problem that if they help you and you succeed, you become a threat and they don’t want you to steal their jobs and clients. 

It’s heartbreaking to experience these things, I’m not going to lie. Anyone who grew up poor dreams of overcoming poverty on their own, with hardwork and persistence, and become successful. So it sucks big time when you start from the bottom and then you discover that the bottom has so many fucking layers.

I wish someone would have told me more about the real world before I threw myself into working so many years for free because ‘that’s how you get a job in this industry’. You follow dream after dream, alone, and just when you start to be hopeful that there’s a chance you can ‘make it’, everything comes crumbling down.

But in a way, it’s ok. I failed hard, and I failed a lot. It made me stronger, better, wiser - and now I’m ready to try chasing a dream again.

Filmmaking has been in the back of my mind for many years. No matter how much I tried to break into that world, I didn’t manage to -  not in the UK, and not in Romania where I live now. Maybe it was bad timing, a bad strategy or the wrong places. 

In my filmmaking journey, I had many dead ends, disappointments but also tiny rewarding experiences that kept showing me that I have what it takes, I just need to put it more work and get more experience. 

From what I gathered, it’s a male dominated industry, at least locally (in Cluj-Napoca) - so this means I really need to go above and beyond to prove myself in order to be taken seriously. There aren't any internship opportunities for video production (that I know of), there are only a few established freelance filmmakers around and tight knit video production companies that you can’t get into without strong connections, street cred and most importantly, lots of experience. 

For me, it’s a very lonely professional existence. I’m not part of this tight knit underground filmmaking community, I have no way to get in, and no way to network. I don’t personally know other female filmmakers either (I only know of them). That would definitely inspire me to believe that my dream is achievable and realistic.  

My only option right now is to start doing as much video production work as possible, show people what I can do and hopefully, that would get me closer to where I want to be.

So far following my dreams sucks big time.

  ‘Dreams don’t work unless you do’

There’s one thing that helps me keep going: I know my passion for video is real. I know my creativity is real. Whenever I think about making videos, my heart jumps with joy. When I film something and edit it, I don’t care how tired I am, I can sit there and work for hours because I love it so much. Seeing filmmakers and cameramen on the street carrying their gear to a shooting location brings me joy, and I always stare at their equipment and marvel at how awesome it is (of course I wish I would have it, too). When I walk on a film set, I feel like I’m walking through paradise and I imagine all the amazing productions you could do in there.

‘The time is now’

I am even at this moment struggling about whether to post this or not, because it seems uncomfortably self-congratulatory. But I HAVE to tell you guys - the level of support, and affirmation, and pure KINDNESS that I have found in this phandom is absolutely incredible. It is, brick by brick, tearing down walls that I’ve had in me for 30 years. It is my wish that every young creative find a place like this to nurture them, much sooner than me. 

To all of you creative people, I say: Don’t let bad past experiences define your perception of your work. Keep trying. Keep risking it. Don’t ever let the negative experiences stop you. And to the beautiful people who give positive feedback and encouragement - you probably have no idea how incredibly important you are, but you are literally feeding the seeds of art. Art you see in books, video games, movies, art you stare at in galleries, art you read on a rainy afternoon, or in school, or on the internet at 1am. Art that resonates with your soul and changes your perception of the universe. When you nurture the need to create in a shy, uncertain person who is too critical of themselves, you are like a nurse at a difficult birth, and your help can literally make all the difference for that person and their art. 

Well... not intentionally

Recently the press have released first look and concepts of NBC’s next Live special Jesus Christ Superstar with John Ledgend in the title role. After reviewing some photos and clips of the press release I noticed something rather odd: these shots and ideas sound eerily similar to what I have been planning for a production of JCS* for years! Before I go into full depth allow me to clarify a couple things:

Firstly, No I do not think the creative team actually stole concepts of mine (obviously). Anything that the team and myself have planned are purely couicidental.

Secondly, I am an actor/director and have been meaning to launch a production of this show in a particular way and style with a particular company that I was working with. Nearly had it once.

And thirdly, the purpose of these posts are to keep some sort of detailed record (as rediculous as that sounds). I’m not trying to start anything, I’m not trying to prove anything. This sort of thing happens to all of us. Of course I am open to change my ideas to new ones; after many times trying to get it right I finally created a final draft that felt perfect. I just don’t want to fall into the category of being a theatre company that has no original ideas, or simply creates a plagerized mock up. (And that applies to Any production)

Will this Do anything? No, honestly it’ll just make me feel better. And it’s not suppose to do anything.

Part 1. Opening:

For many years after falling in love with the show, analyzing and researching it, concept after concept I finally felt I created a production that meant something speacial to me, something fresh but familiar, something a wide variety of audiences would enjoy and take something out of it, in other words perfect.(to me anyway)

I would soon find myself in that mode where after watching and being in various productions, there were things that I felt could be better or there was a choice that I didn’t necessarily agree with. Anybody can relate to that feeling.(especially every single actor in any production of a show Ever)

And it’s not just Jesus Christ Superstar. There are Many productions I wish to revv up. That being said JCS has been the most annoying. It seems after the UK Tour with Tim Minchin launched in 2012, it has progressively been getting more attention. Not that that is a bad thing. I’m thrilled more theaters are playing performances of JCS. And with NBC broadcasting it, hopefully it can finally become more appreciated than before. But the more I keep putting off my production, the more my ideas seem to become not-so-fresh. Or relevant. And with the broadcast coming up, the newly transferred Chicago production, And a new North American Tour coming in 2019. It feels like something is telling me to hurry it up. Or maybe to wait. Regardless it will happen. I can only try to improve right?

“Why are you hiring me? Ain’t you a designer?”