#creative healing

but after that? the fire remembers itself.

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I stood in front of doors closed,

a road to a future I believed in.

I saw myself in a faraway place,

a land of another tongue,

a love of forever,

and everything I wrapped my life around.

It’s been lost to me,

yet always lingering

in the back of my mind,

wondering

if that future

will ever come back to me.

I spent lonely nights

lost in dark thoughts,

in hospital rooms

and beeping sounds.

My heart hurting

more than the pain

I was in.

I spent mornings trying to eat to live

and throwing up the food that wouldn’t stay down.

I slept in a bed unfamiliar,

tears wetting my skin,

wondering how it could end,

and where I begin again.

I’m still on the mend—

a body trying to heal,

and a heart

that holds

and lingers.

I have never felt so lost,

so broken

as the last two months—

and yet,

I persisted.

I fought to see the beauty

in the world:

the photos,

snapshots of what I see

in life’s perfections,

the writing as my word and my soul,

the way it still reaches

even people I don’t know.

I found bonds in creativity,

and that’s the base

of who I am

and where I find myself.

I know I am seen.

I know I am loved.

And I won’t lose myself

to my circumstances.

I always knew I had strength

to follow who I am—

but hardship showed me

life doesn’t break

So I've told myself for years that I can't draw. When I was younger (middle and high school) I drew A LOT and wrote A LOT. Those were my creative outlets to distract myself from a terrible home life. I started out drawing anime. I didn't draw anything original. I would copy my favorite anime characters. Notice I did NOT trace. I would look at the reference picture and draw it on on another piece of paper. I never passed the work off as my own. I was very up front that this was art that I copied. I liked doing this, as I wasn't allowed to take art classes growing up. Other people and myself bought drawing books to teach me how to draw. Because and I quote from my mother herself, "Art will get you nowhere". So this method helped me learn how to create characters. Later on, I started to venture away from that and draw my own art. I just never liked it because it was never as good as the art that I copied. It just always looked weird to me. I also got bullied for it in school. Like HEAVILY bullied. I had to hide my art, and then couldn't talk to my mom about it because she was extremely bias against art skills and also .........said anime was teaching me black magic........so really didn't like her seeing me draw anime. So you could say I have some trauma around drawing lol.

Well my therapist was telling me that I should start with some doodling. Don't give myself a project just doodle every now and then and praise myself for doing it. My best friend also scolded me yesterday when she heard me say that I'm not good at art and never was and this BITCH pulled out from her cabinet samples of my old works!! Like...she freaking kept them, art I did 11? or so years ago! She said she loved the style so much that she even wants to frame them and have them tattooed on her.......that just I don't know....made me think that maybe I could draw again. I want to. It's something of mine that got left behind so many years ago that I'm sad that never got to flourish because a terrible parent made me feel bad about it and peers at my school mocked me for it.

So today.......I went to a restaurant. While at that restaurant....my phone died repeatedly lol. It's old as hell and needs to be replaced. It just kept shutting down and restarting the entire time I was out for lunch. I did bring a journal with me to write down some notes as I researched some things for my fanfiction and novels but that went out the window so.....I drew......I really didn't know what to draw and I was thinking of my throne of hell story so I kinda drew something that looked like alastor. These are not amazing please but I am proud of myself for doing it and attempting it and it's making me want to draw again. I still have my drawing tablets I bought awhile back. I never was able to color things. Color theory just goes over my head honestly but I can take it one step at a time now that I know that I really can do this.

🌟 Golden Harmony Kaleidoscope Aesthetic 🌟

NEVER—and I mean never—make fun of someone’s passion. You have no idea how many storms a single little obsession can hold back. How many lonely nights it fills. How many heavy thoughts it drowns out. Passion is the one thing a person can cling to when the world feels too loud, too sharp, too cruel.

That hobby, that fandom, that costume, that sketchbook, that playlist on loop? That might be the only thing keeping their heart steady. The only thing that makes them feel like themselves. The only thing that reminds them there’s still color and warmth and magic left in the world.

So don’t laugh at the thing someone loves. Don’t belittle it. Don’t roll your eyes. Because for some of us, that passion isn’t just a pastime—it’s the lifeline that saves us when everything else tries to pull us under.

Threads of Connection installation

Hey guys, just wanted to share with you a recent exhibition that I visited at The Art House, Wakefield. Threads of Connection, is a textile installation by Saroj Patel, the installation was a community collaboration, bringing together local residents to explore themes of community, cultural heritage, and storytelling through fabric-based sculpture. Patel is a British Indian artist, often working with ritualistic and cultural traditions, using textiles to express both happiness and the complexities of identity.

Stepping into Threads of Connection was like walking into a tapestry of shared histories and emotions. The suspended, cascading textiles feel both delicate and powerful, with each strand representing a story, a memory, or a moment of togetherness. The vibrant colors and intricate details invite you to pause and reflect on the beauty and collaboration that contributed to the creation

The exhibition to me isn’t just about looking, it’s about feeling. It reminds us of the importance of community, the strength in collaboration, and the beauty of human connection. Whether you have a background in textiles or simply appreciate art that brings people together, Threads of Connection is worth the visit, offering you a deeply moving experience that leaves you feeling inspired.

Message for Some of Y’all

Plants | the Equator | Ice

Once again honoring the higher impulse to share a message! Should this apply to you, reflect; if not, feel free to reblog so that it reaches someone for whom it does.

If you seek growth: you’ve fed it enough, step back. The seed which you want to see burst up from the earth can do so inherently on its own - it only needed some care and tending, not for you to try and do the sprouting for it!

If you seek peace or stillness: you risk rigidity where you are, and inflexibility can lead to unnecessary breakage and cracks. Step forth into connection, gently feed your curiosities instead of locking down and out.

Saturn Return, and my Soul Journey into 12th house Sun conjunct Mercury (in Aries) bound by the 12th house Shadow Secrets. Jupiter is Leo and Mars is softened by my conjunct cancer moon, both in my 3rd house. The kicker is Chiron simultaneously sitting over in my wounded goddess divine feminine Luna moon compelling me to build a home, a base and a clan of like minded souls. cancer and Chiron sit together and Chiron is akin to the wounded healer. I have a complex but alchemical natal make up and its been 6 years of accepting the square and oppositions in difficult places to come to terms to work with my natal astrology in a way I can become creatively involved in.

23/3/20 initiated the formal induction of my Saturn return as saturn transited to Aquarius for the first time since 92/93.

It’s a taste of the full saturnine swing coming up after the December 21st astrology grand conjunction. Saturn will be in Aquarius up to July. before moving briefly back before that grand Conjunction with Pluto/Jupiter later in 21/12/2020. (activity period from 14 April 2020 until mid-July 2020) Venus trine MC

Yeah on a tangent but one day I will be thankful this was forged. I am will using my moonchild manifesto to track the astrology and transits for my own wounded healer journey. I don’t have the consistency of a computer to hoard things as I did before the big brother fascism came full formed this year and cannot freely trust anything can be stored. I will be putting things online purely to keep a record of what may soon be lost, unable to be accessed.

Plus I’m burning my journals after I take the photos of them and upload them for a ritualistic purpose.

It’s part of this creative alchemy and trauma soul retrival quest I’ve found myself on. I note this as my Saturn is returning home for my FIRST Saturn return. I have been formally initiated for the infamous, enigmatic Saturn return that marks the passage from “adolescence into adulthood”. (Funnily last time I heard a university lecture on neuroscience, the latest research noted recent findings that the brain of a fully, functional prefrontal cortex in adult brains don’t become fully formed until age 28-30. This first sparked excitement and also uncertainty about the privilege cast to the “teenage myth”. As kids brains are still developing when things like getting a driving cars, choosing a life career, alcohol privilege and making other major life changes at those critical developmental stages are still as risky when a 12-16 year old does it. So now psychology and neuroscience knows that the adult higher order thinking that marks the turn of a mature and civil adult come in the late 20s. Not the teens. So until after 25 a brain cannot be fully assessing its choices due to underdeveloped prefrontal higher order thought processes This was fascinating in the social science side of things where we look into social constructs of society and how teenager was a made up archetype for a post war period. I remember being in my early 20s at the time and my life was no longer a race as it had been made to be prior.the schools of the latest brain neuroscience confirm my impulsive nature could change before age 30. I was hopeful. Maybe I wasn’t a gifted genius who was highly sensitive and afflicted with the contrasting “ADHD or Attention Deficit Primaily Inattentive” which could only be “treated” (as far as I had experienced), via heavy duty schedule 8 drugs. The kind of medication that calmed me down but other people wound beg me to have. Meaning in the past people in my life around me were constantly trying to turn into their party high by taking advantage of my disdain for psychostimulants. But my love and need for money back in that time. Fuck fake friends I say. Taking advantage or dysregulated prefrontal cortex with or without all my labels was still, after all, a risky business, when it comes to juggling psychopharmacology and a myriad of labels that resulted in other medicines given to me that may or may not be accurate. No brain scan or confirmation has been given that my brain is anything aside from ADHD. So my academic quest in childhood was confounded due to this.I learnt a lot about my childhood and growing up with a long list of multiple mental illness diagnosis, and the medical pharmacology given to me for those things; was beyond measurable.

But my neurochemistry was tweaked ineffably by both psychiatric pills pushed on me from age 9 and for things I may not even need. The end result of what my social science teacher termed “social constructs akin to mental illness medical model DSM labels”. My self pursuit of understanding my own brain was a hard thing to understand in the sense that prior to hearing about this from the side of academic and professional training, I had spend 12 years in expensive and possibly more damaging than beneficial treatment for “mental illnesses”. My life was a focal point for the goal I set to help women with the “borderline stigma” after I had fixed my own borderline.

Clinical psychologist was my end game until I found the trauma truth sweeping me into a existential soul contusion merged with trauma after trauma therapy went into flooding memory. Academic research and the psychology and counseling journals I spent my spare time fine combing. For answers. For my why and how. By the time I found any sense of this it became a painful limbo of dancing with my demons, coping destructively and limbo between the underworld and the reality I found my body and mind entwined in.

Now it’s even more synonymous to my own Saturn return journey and how the Saturn return is the mark of adulthood. This can be a speculative musing I make now on celestial astrology and how it aligns to our inner psychological makeup. (The Jupiter return is age 12, puberty ; and the other inner planets all mark significant development milestones in growing up. I’ll go into that more in later blogs).

Astrology is a map of the soul, psychology makeup, can be so deep too. How does it measure up to statistics? Sun sign horoscope is nothing versus the natal chart and how it corresponds to planetary magick and Kabbalah. I have been seperate in my magick and academic work but it was always my will to merge these at one stage I could research it. But now the sands of time are shifting, and Aquarius Saturn is calling for novel innovation I never could convey due to academic being seperate as spiritual, magickal practice is something I was careful to keep silence on when working with clients, peers and mentors, forget telling my psychologists or doctors who wound dismiss any test as “bipolar mania”. I remember once I read “the difference between the mystic and the mad man is the mystic knows who NOT TO TELL.

Now it’s my time to informally but officially start logging my journey into my own healing, soul mapping, I call it cognitive alchemy, gnostic psychology, soul psychology, metagnosis.. I’ve had many a name for the potential inspiration from my true will calling. But I can now forget about the archaic bonds from the academic world I was schooled to excel in by confirming. I am also a high iq gifted kid and having been labelled gifted but “adhd” simultaneously while having traumatic events left right and center is a mix of confusion for me. Teachers classed adhd as a learning disability, my in attention confused with inability to listen to simple tasks. This meant my mind never adapted to that school conditioning but my education was still installed due to the private school system somehow making my alters succeed without effort. Most of my spare time as a kid that wasn’t dissociative was reading books. By me processing my own literature in my spare time, I knew so much random stuff but hid it in order to seem dumb bc that was accepted. But in private in encyclopaedias and non fictional library quests I’d devour books. for my 10 maximum haul of borrowing books. This was a routine my mum and I went to do each week but my reading speed was beyond anything known, as I read and synthesised up to 10 books mostly in one day, from age 6 onwards.

I also stole books and hid my reading habits at school due to a deep shame of not being liked due to reading being for losers without friends, as girls bullied me over my gifted weird quirks. I was pretty but saw my self as ugly for trauma will deprive the mind of seeing it’s own true perception. I was never understood how my looks became a thing used against me by girls who were jealous until I learnt about this myself. I recently accepted and remembered this all after 3 years of integrated healing. I was doing this all on my own. the spiritual and metaphysical work is my primary tool that was keeping me here. Actually saving my suicide program from self destruct after the March 2017 incident I shall not talk about now. But I’m here now, alive, kicking, Saturn here to shove my shadow to consciousness without prompt and this change can bring me into a 30 year blueprint of setting things right.

Now in order to build a solid and functional framework and foundational life. I have a litany of secrets I need to get off my chest. I think to share my growth, my thoughts and my experiences for my own liberation of my deep dark secrets finally free to be released into the public domain.

I have no choice but to share this.

I do this co consciously as a part of my integrative process.

Maybe One day it might be a guide for someone who was as alone as I feel doing all of this self work without support. Maybe it will fade into the cyber void forever. Maybe I’ll use this as a tool to help clients in the future. Whatever this is means nothing but what the process of alchemy can do to forge my liberation from soul loss and traumatic dissociative trauma.

As a therapist I always wanted to avoid what I went through growing up. Now more so. I never want another lost dissociative mental health client who was also stuck between professional and academic pursuits being my “purpose” and having to sacrifice career and my study and research to sit in my shadow to see the shit.

In order to break the shit therapist mould I list journey through my own shit first. This meant I needed to be away from all therapy both as a client and practitioner and student for awhile. I’ve been off since the end of 2017 and now it’s clear it was neeed, how do I heal without healing my own shit first? Am I not the finest example of how bad therapists can get away with their bullshit and be paid for it but never really know who they are. I’m never doing that. I never was about that. So due to therapeutic negligence. I am finding my gift was the lesson. Those a shitty therapist who are a dime a dozen were the anti mentors I saw too often: but my purpose was to be a therapist. But a therapist who did things the way I never had.