Aug 8, 2025
I feel so out of touch with myself
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#project hail mary
#catblr- #the amazing digital circus
#pride month- #wlw
- #heated rivalry
#lana del rey- #the vampire lestat
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#jacob anderson#sam reid#amc tvl
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#jacob anderson#sam reid#amc tvl
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I feel so out of touch with myself
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Growing up with abusive parents is wild. Imagine you having a super evil side that you can feel influence all of your actions but its not your shadow self, it’s your mother so it’s 10x worse.
actually was having an okay night and started getting ready for bed at a reasonable time and then i read something triggering and now its 1:33 am and ive been up for hours obsessing and dry sobbing. i feel so worthless why cant i ever just have a good day i hate this fucking disorder
i keep seeing men that look like my dad at work and it feels like a bad omen. like im genuinely really scared it'll be him one day
Lil dialogue (gawsh I've been awful about doing these)
Oh she's scared. She wants to protect me from things that feel dangerous. Driving out to Princeton to try some pianos. Going out to visit Aries.
I heard her. I held her. I thanked her. I showed her how much I can handle and all the good I'm trying to bring her.
She was still scared. I asked what she needs and she reminded me of the dream I haven't noticed I keep having about "my little sister," (probably me) being in a terrible situation that affects her horribly and no one (her parents) seems to see it .
But it's not a thing in the present that feels terrible to us, I don't think. I will stay on top of looking out for things in the present, but I am pretty sure it is just the past that feels like it's breaking us sometimes.
Idk, but I think having a piano will help 🤷🏻♀️
Also having another amazing spring day with Aries tonight will probably help. He impulsively said he wanted to see me last night when I unexpectedly canceled my rehearsal. And then we both admitted it was way too last minute even though it would have been great. He ended up hanging with his son until like 10:00 p.m. anyway. But he really wanted to see me and that feels great. I just don't always love how those 10pm phone calls go when we're both so tired. But he was still a good friend to me on our call and I'm looking forward to seeing him.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Impressive cptsd breakdown, coming out of it, and some thoughts. The way previous traumas make the eviction just thousands of times more traumatizing, because im retraumatized in a million little ways is like.
Idk. This is cptsd. Sometimes I doubt I have it in this like, "I don't wanna be the person who everyone thinks they're faking or setting themselves up or something that their life is literally unbelievably bad", not that its okay to think that abt people, but internalized bullshit y'know. But no. Like. Thats just it, I have internalized bullshit, and some people just have wild lives, and society is a mess so that makes sense. And my brain is affected by the compounded years of intense trauma.
I NEED YOUR SAFETY