#cosmo-ren

I’m probably actually exaggerating how much of a mess it is, but at the same time I am almost constantly internally screaming over my relationship status and the wonderful people that are mixed up in it. I won’t give names for the sake of privacy, but to help keep things more coherent I’ll call them A and E.

(some of you will probably be able to work out who they are, but ah well)

(also, for the record, all three of us live in completely different countries and have never met in person yet)

So... I’m technically single. Technically. I do not have a confirmed Significant Other or Others, I’m not dating anyone, I’m not in a romantic relationship.

Technically

At the same time I’m quasi-engaged to A. This is after having a squish on them that turned into a crush as we grew to be close friends over the past 2 years, encountering several bouts of serious heartbreak and hurt (one of which was the result of me asking them to be my official SO and them, after two weeks of avoiding the discussion and flip-flopping, saying no), and a generally messy relationship on a number of levels. But I love them dearly still, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.

The quasi-engagement started as an almost-joke? I really want to get out of Australia. I really really want to get out of Perth specifically. Too many bad memories. So A joked about me coming over and marrying them for the visas and I, the fool with the crush, immediately accepted the idea. This was about... 6 months ago now? I’d mentioned before that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, and we were saying ‘I love you’s on a more than daily basis, so it wasn’t completely out of the blue, but still.

So we’ve been talking about it for ages now, and A has been saying to their friends that they’re engaged, and I’ve been using the whole thing as my happy thoughts, and together we’ve been planning things like geode cakes and who gets to be the ring bearer and stuff. Yes, there’s been a few hiccups... including a point where I started looking for engagement rings and A slightly... freaked out. We’re still kinda on cautious terms in regards to it, which just confuses matters more.

And then there’s the situation with E. 

....situation might not be the right word to use there, it makes it sound like a bad thing when it’s really not. E is probably the best thing to happen to my life so far and I don’t think I’ve ever made a closer or faster friend. We are extremely alike and mutually supportive and help each other cope with life far better than we’d ever manage alone. I think we’ve only come close to actual disagreements twice. One of those was a slight misunderstanding that was quickly resolved, and the other was the result of my jealousy/hurt/anger because of something else, and we still talked through it as best we could.

I love E more than anything.

(And A, if you’re reading this, please don’t get jealous. You’re still the one I want to marry)

Lately E and I have been having a bunch of conversations. Neither of us really feel anything specifically romantic towards each other, but when we say ‘I love you’ it tends to be not entirely platonic and a little more nebulous. As in ‘No romo, but I’d totally kiss you’ and then things have evolved from there.

So that puts me in the position of wanting to smooch both my best friends. Both of which are happy for me to use them as an ‘Oh, sorry, I’ve already got a datemate’ excuse if anyone tries to hit on me, and honestly, that’s how I already see them.

Because there’s also the option of, rather than one or the other, I just pick both. And I am entirely happy with that. Where I’d ideally like to be in 5 years time is living with both A and E in a small flat in London in an odd polyamourous relationship where cuddles are plentiful and we go out and watch street theatre on the weekends.

The only issue with this is that they’re both a liiiiittle jealous of each other over me, but dammit, they need to learn to share.

I, personally, already consider them both to be my SOs. I spend the vast majority of my days talking with them, I love them more than I can voice, and I would go to the ends of the earth and back again just to make either of them smile. They are both extremely significant to me so I don’t know what else to call them.

I mean, other than my best friends. That’s something that won’t change. If your SO isn’t your best friend (or at least one of your best friends) then you’re not doing it right.

But yeah

Whenever someone asks my relationship status, all this and a billion other things run through my head. But I’m still technically single.