#copingup

“There’s a time to inhale, there’s a time to exhale, and a time to just SCREAM it all out.”

We all at one point have been depressed or attacked by our own anxieties. It has been one of the longest discussion, and frankly, I don’t see it ending anytime soon. I for one had always been suffering with constant anxiety attacks which (if you think of it) is stupid because my life is not bad at all. The case is just, I can’t help myself to overthink things and expect the worst to happen. 

I’ve always tried to talk to people about this but all they did, or at least most of them, is to tell me that I am being too much to myself. That I am just making myself suffer (like this is satisfying, as if). But what hurts the more is when people tell me that I am just being like this to get attention. Like, who the flower wants to be frequently having a hard time just breathing because of holding back tears in public places?! No one told me that it is okay to feel this way sometimes, that I should not be ashamed. Worst is, people left me(and are leaving me) because of having these sorrows. 

Knowing this makes me more sad each and every single day, but because of this, I grow more and more concerned with those people who are having anxiety attacks (who are having it worse than me). If people aren’t accepting and understanding in my case, doesn’t mean other people should feel as misconstrued. 

I am writing this in attempt of letting at least one who is suffering to know that it is okay, you don’t have to be ashamed. You have a heart and it is bound to be hurt at one point and it doesn’t have to be your fault. 

THERE’S A TIME TO INHALE

Sometimes, our worries should be just kept inside. It is like the thing about noises; the more noise you let in the more you will not be able to hear your own. 

One more thing, I’ve learned through the years that not everyone is actually truly concerned about you and your worries. Sadly, there are people who are actually only there to dig up your dirt and I think it is only smart for you to not let them. 

I got nothing more to say about this. 

THERE’S A TIME TO EXHALE

I am going to be honest here, this can go two ways. It can mean that there are times that you just need to have someone (who you truly,deeply trust) to listen to you. They don’t have to say anything or give you that million-dollar-greatest advice(which sometimes, it is actually annoying when people act like they always know what to do and everything they know applies to everyone, including you). Or at least, just have an outlet. Say, write something, create, paint, give yourself a treat, travel, or go some place where you can find peace and just breathe. I used do this, whenever I can’t handle things anymore I go to a quiet place and just listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes it helps to be with someone who you think can handle to just be with you there, sitting. I think it is healthy to be able to acknowledge that there are some concerns that are not that big of a deal and all you need to do is just let them out of your system in a way that is most effective to you. 

However, this can also mean that there are times that we get concerned about things that are actually petty(hurts, but true). It takes time and practice to learn how to identify them (trust me, this is still a huge problem of mine). But, to be honest, this would save us a lot of tears and precious time. Sometimes, there are thoughts which, the moment they come in...we need to push out.

 THERE’S A TIME TO JUST SCREAM IT ALL OUT

There are some incidents wherein it will all just be too much. If you are someone like me who is uncomfortable talking about your anxieties, I know that you are more likely to suppress all of your darkest thoughts. I am not going to pretend that I am an expert, that I can understand everything and everyone but in my case, it comes from my fear of being judged, even when people actually reassured me already that they won’t. It always feels like I am never allowed to feel this way; to be weak, vulnerable and sad. They see me as a strong woman and so should I always be. I have no right to be down. Some people makes me feel like I am crazy whenever I talk like this. Which is totally effed up because having anxieties is very far from being crazy!  But, most of the time, I do not want to talk about these things to anyone because I do not want to suck the life out of anyone. I have this feeling that if I truly burst, people who I care about the most would leave me which will just make me feel worst. 

Therefore, it usually results to a monster inhabiting my heart, consuming my brain and sucking my soul into nothingness making me a very dysfunctional human being. These are the times I decided, it is okay to just asdfghjklzxcvbnm! Run, scream, cry, have a breakdown, scream, just do whatever it takes to cope up and get your own shit together. 

Being away, it only made my anxiety worse. Not to mention being on a country where I can not talk to anyone, go anywhere, do what I want...scream. To be away from the people who are actually the reasons why I am still striving. I can only count on one hand the mornings and the nights where I did not burst into crying before I start the day or end it. There are times that it is just too much, this is definitely one of those. But it is okay. I’d rather be like this than nothing at all. As a famous story said; “Pain demands to be felt”. There are times that you just need to understand yourself, that you can not handle it anymore. Break something if you must XD. One good thing about hitting rock bottom is there is no other way than to pick yourself up. 

I have no idea if this would help anybody. But please know that I am sending you my virtual hugs. We have each other. It’s okay....

SCREAM

Chempo pala pagyaya ko sa roommate ko kagabi kasi may bad news palang darating ngayong umaga kasi for sure mahihirapan ako makatulog!! Hahahahaha

Yun lang, galing kasi kaming graveyard shift kaya ayun, nakatulugan ako. Nakasubsob sa boobs ng gf niya pfft am going solo again 🥴🥴🥴

   I have been imprisoned in my own home for a year now due to the community quarantine, anxiety, worries  because I am scared to go outside. Straggling to accept the “New Normal”. So many question in my mind, “How am I gonna move forward”, “Is everyone okay?”, “Do I have to sanitize every time and clean all the things that has been used outside?”. Sometimes I talk to myself and telling her “Don’t be paranoid girl”. I have been reading books and eat a lot because of the stress and now even my body is struggling to lose fat. 

  One day I saw a post in social media of my friends from other country. They look so free, no face shield or mask on. I comment to her post and said “Is your country free from corona virus now?” She respond to me “No, but we are vaccinated already and just only a small positive cases of corona virus.” I envy her and her country on how fast and manage the pandemic so responsibly and quickly. I sent her a private message about what’s going on in my country and she told me “Corona-virus is REAL! We take it seriously and our country handle it quickly so it don’t spread fast. When the vaccine has been release everyone cooperate to be vaccinated and no one say no. Now we are free to travel around our cities without even wearing face mask, but other cities still required to wear mask.” How I wish it would be the same in my country. But of course different country, different government, and different policy. 

    This Pandemic, I have learned that we need to be motivated for us to cope up with the things happening around us. We have to be discipline and learn from what is the universe is teaching us. Now I am taking care of myself and accepting the new normal, that is why I enrolled in school even though it is only online class just to make sure I will keep myself busy and become more productive during pandemic to lessen the anxiety and worries. 

The masterclass is going to take place in Dubai on 28th February, 2019.

The masterclass is going to take place in Dubai on 28th February, 2019.