#cool jail

Part 5 of my Skyrim Prison Review series. This chapter finally breaks the "every interior looks the damn same" chain by looking at Riften, Skyrim's capital of corruption, inequality and... fishing. I think that last one might be important.

Since my last review the inner circle has grown a few notches. Joining me this time is Dunmer heartthrob Teldryn Sero, Whiterun's finest donkey Lydia, Jordan the peak Riekling specimen and the returning Inigo and Sofia. Actually getting arrested and put into the cell here proved surprisingly difficult. We first tried punching one of the homeless people on the streets unprompted but nobody batted an eye when we did. Then I tried stealing food from a nearby cart but again, nothing. So for the third attempt I thought of a real humdinger. I went into the orphanage and suplexed the old lady running it so hard that her spine broke and she died instantly. The children in the orphanage were naturally very happy and- wait, happy!? I was shocked to find them all celebrating her death! I mean she was called Grelod the Kind for Diagna's sake! I swear, kids these days are so ungrateful! Nobody even called the guards! I murdered an innocent old lady without consequence and I have no idea why. In the end we had to literally beat a guard to death to finally get in enough trouble to warrant an arrest. So much hassle, and for what? Well let's see...

Riften's cell is oddly nice, with a full bed provided in each cell as well as a desk, lighting setup and chairs (no rug though, unfortunately). It was also quite cramped inside the cell with all us inside of it due to the relatively small floor size. Had we all not decided to investigate as a group this would've likely been far more adequate of a cell. There are even multiple other cells in this jail, so it's clearly built for capacity (Maven has a lot of enemies it would seem).

Attached to the back wall was a pull ring. The ring in question somewhat blended in with the dark colouration of the walls and pulling on it opened a secret entrance and revealed a secret tunnel behind the prison walls. The actual outline for the secret entrance was quite clearly visible so identifying it as a possible escape route was easy. Normally in this situation I'd leap at the opportunity to criticise the laziness of the guards in not being able to identify the obvious avenue for escape, likely by making some joke about them being more blind than a Falmer or the like, but given the very obvious and deep-rooted corruption in Riften hold (which on fear of my life I know nothing about), it's more likely the guards know about it but are paid to turn a falmer's eye. This isn't as bad as the guards being incompetent at their jobs. It's worse. It shows just how tarnished the internal systems of this city are and is beyond shameful.

Further down the path we were greeted by... a bathing spot? Excess water flow point? Fishing training spot? Given the large Riften fishing scene I'm inclined to assume it's the latter (See? Told you the fishing would be important!). Unfortunately when we arrived there were no fish in the water or indeed fishers-in-training doing their practice reels. Perhaps they were taking the day off?

The path continued downward to eventually lead to a sewer grate (very original, Riften. Veeeeerrrry original). We sent Jordan ahead first to ensure the path ahead wasn't too mucky and/or filled with waste. He (She? It?) was hesitant at first but a quick reminder of her (His? Its?) position in our tribe proved convincing enough to put its (I'm going with its) mind at ease.

We were dropped out of the grate into the depths of Lake Honrich. Hardly the most glamourous escape but it sufficed. Inigo wasn't particularly happy getting his fur so wet but the damage had already been dealt. We took this opportunity to return to the jail normally using guard armour and a few brilliant false moustaches as disguises to look at the space outside the cells.

As previously mentioned, there are a lot of cells in this jail, significantly more than most and the building is well-designed to accommodate these large cells. Though if the rather pompous-looking man in the top left corner is any indication some of the more well-off prisoners can quite easily obtain certain luxuries for their cell. It's also worth noting that (while not pictured above because I forgot to take a visual illustration of it at the time) the prisoner belonging chest is in a wholly separate room in the jail, multiple rooms apart from where the cells are located so no optimistic burglar is picking their cell lock, breaking into the belongings chest and retrieving their beloved Nightingale Boots easily, that's for sure!

Overall... wow. This jail is something else. Much like Riften itself it's simultaneously a brilliant location that operates highly efficently or the biggest sack of Chaurus droppings I've ever encountered. Much of it's defining strengths only exist due to deep seated corruption and the influence of one particularly angry middle-aged woman making them so (which again, I reiterate, I know *nothing* about). As such I can't in good faith call Riften Jail an adequate prison.

Final score: Three Nightingale Boots out of Ten Nightingale Boots

This is the (much delayed due to work) eighth part of my Skyrim Prison Review series. In this post I explore The Chill, the only thing in Winterhold other than the College of Winterhold to hold any significance whatsoever as this jail contains much do discuss.

First arriving in the prison and we are greeted with what I can only assume to be a claustrophobe's worst nightmare. The guards had thrown the entire squad into a single tiny cell. Space to move around was effectively non-existent for us. I imagine a singular convict would fare better, but not by much. Also worth considering is our surroundings. We were tossed into a frozen cavern in the middle of nowhere and locked in a sharp metal box. Needless to say the Winterhold judiciary were making their attitudes to prison life clear. They wanted convicts to suffer.

Shuffling myself through the rag-tag squad to better observe the cell interior we see a single bed roll and lantern for illumination. This all aligns perfectly with how Winterhold want their prisoners to leave review scores of one Ancient Frost Atronach out of ten Ancient Frost Atronachs and not even risk stealing from Winterhold because of how badly they'd be treated. Needless to say there was a LOT of debate in the team as to who would receive bed roll privileges and who would have to huddle to each other for warmth. As can be expected from a squad comprised of a drunkard, a donkey, a recovering Skooma addict, a barely housetrained Reikling and a Skyrim Tumblr Sexy Man, yelling eventually evolved into its stage two form: Violence. Just before proper conflict could be instigated though I noticed something.

I still had my equipment on me. At no point did any of the authorities strip me of my gear and as such there would be no prisoner belongings chest in this prison. This can be interpreted in one of two ways. Either the guards that brought me here are largely incompetent and simply forgot to remove my belongings (which seems unlikely given the complete lack of a prisoner belonging chest) or the way I personally interpreted it which was "These guards have the biggest kahoonies in the entire country". They are SO confident in their defences that they don't even bother taking away prisoners' gear. They think even with it all convicts can't escape.

Now it is worth noting that not having their things stolen is nothing new for my companions. I am unsure as to why every hold lets them keep their gear while I lose mine, but I suspect that the answer is very complicated, personalised and more than likely involves Slaughterfish in some capacity. This aside, thanks to our shared equipment not being stolen, picking the adept lock on our cell before any blood was drawn proved simple.

Looking outside my cell I can plainly see where the confidence of the Winterhold Guard derives from. Instead of sending good men to freeze to death guarding pickpickets that also freeze to death, they hired out Frost Atronachs from the College nearby. This proved to be a very effective source of fear, muscle and worry in convicts, so much so that I temporarily deployed the Super Special Dragonborn Information Vision (S.S.DIV) that every Dragonborn has to keep track of my health, magicka and stamina (It's a dragonborn thing, look it up). The atronach was patrolling a small area with only three cells including ours and some barrels inside. Given how small I imagine the life expectancy for Chill inmates is thanks to the cold, I suppose it makes sense to not bother decorating. Once we had properly stepped outside of our cell, the Atronach got to work immediately and began an offensive on our group.

No points for guessing how it went.

A small incline to the right of the cell we were put into let out of the prison, where we were greeted with both a sharp realisation and, surprisingly, a welcome party.

Three additional Frost Atronachs ambushed us the second we stepped out of The Chill, as well as a lone Horker which appeared to be there just to feel included. This troublesome trio posed a triple threat to our squad and even managed a decent hit on me in the ensuing battle, though once again through the power of friendship, magic and Jordan we pulled through (at the cost of Teldryn's Flame Atronach).

It was following the defeat of the Atronachs that we came to a realisation. We were not in the city of Winterhold. We were not even CLOSE to the city of Winterhold. We were, as the less eloquently spoken would say, in the middle of fucking nowhere. We were dragged onto a tiny island in the middle of the ocean in freezing weather (heavy armour and all) by the guards and simply left to die. This goes beyond simple prisoner negligence or torture for military/political information. They were actively trying to kill us because I punched a single guardsman once and immediately surrendered. That is... a very commendable attitude. These guards are even more no-nonsense than the Windhelm Guards and this further supports my arguments about the aforementioned kahoonies.

In conclusion, this was easily the best prison I have seen so far. It fully commits to its cold attitude to prisoning with zero compromise, makes effective use of powerful Frost Atronachs to save on manpower, is incredibly cost efficient in terms of cell upkeep and manages to keep convicts out of the city streets better than any other hold capital by simply imprisoning them several miles away from the city itself in a sub-zero climate that would kill most escapees alone. This facility is beyond exceptional.

Final Score: Ten Ancient Frost Atronachs out of Ten Ancient Frost Atronachs

Thank you for reading this review. I hope that the conclusion to this saga arrives with a smaller gap than the last two did. This is especially important since I've saved by far the biggest for last.

The dead speak! This is part six of my ongoing series reviewing the prison facilities in each of Skyrim's major cities. I'm sorry this one took longer than the others, I just came back from a place with very poor internet and could not post for a while.

In this chapter we examine the capital of Skyrim, Solitude. Expectations for the Castle Dour Dungeons are high given its location in the imperial and indeed national capital. I'm anxious to see if it lives up to such lofty expectations or falls short and gives the Stormcloaks another reason to hate Tullius' guts.

Upon entering my cell I was presented with a notably scarce décor. There is a table provided with seating for two and a single sleeping space (are they expecting us to have friends over for lunch?). Also supplied was an adequate lighting source, an additional chair off to the other side of the cell (for all one's third wheeling needs), a waste disposal bucket, multiple sacs into which things can be placed and a pile of hay which is presumably to act as sustenance in the event a steed ends up in here for horsing around the city. I had noticed that the southern-left wall appeared to have some faulty bricking installed which I have to consider a shortcoming of the maintenance of this facility. I was about to investigate further when I encountered an issue.

He keeps doing this. It's become a recurring issue. I am here to experience this prison fully from the perspective of a prisoner and yet Inigo insists on quickly releasing me at every turn. I had asked him this time why he paid my leave and how he had acquired the funding to do so, but he responded by saying that he hadn't paid any bail at all and refused to elaborate further. I'm scared. This Khajiit clearly knows something I don't which worries me deeply.

I at this point decided "to the Far Shores with it" and did the review at whatever way I so chose. Inigo made it clear that integrity was for the feeble anyway. I examined the central room outside my cell and was greeted with a truly breath-taking sight. Apart from some choice walling which I will elaborate on later, this building is simply magnificent in terms of architecture and structure. It's a sight to behold with expertly laid out cells and a torture chamber, a feature not seen in any other prisons so far. Though the presence of a torture chamber is likely motivated by the civil war, it can also function as an effective deterrent from any hopeful escape artists trying to free themselves or reach the belongings chest to retrieve their potions of vigorous well-being or the like. The layout and structural design of this facility puts every one previously reviewed to shame, with one exception.

This wall is frankly pathetic. It obviously stuck out from the moment I arrived and exposing it to so much as a minor gust fully collapsed a person-sized chunk of the wall leading to a potential escape route. Now, I'm hardly a qualified construction worker but this does not seem well put together at all and creates a myriad of issues, least of all giving prisoners an escape route. Falling bricks may not only put the safety of prisoners at risk but unattended bricks may be used as weaponry to attack innocents. This is simply shoddy and nothing else. I had expected better.

Following the resulting path led to a greater issue. This path goes directly to the prisoner belonging chest and leaves said chest fully exposed. Now admittedly the chest, like all belongings chests, is protected by a very strong lock but the point still stands that easy access is granted to prisoners who are afforded the luxury of retrieving their aforementioned potions of vigorous well-being to keep themselves in shape during the escape should an altercation break out. This opening, much like the faulty walling that created this escape route, is also the result of shoddy build quality and upkeep in Castle Dour. It may look impressive but it very evidently folds like a deck of cards.

Beyond this lay a very short trip to the exit out into the city through a sewer drain. This exit combines the worst elements of Dragonsreach Dungeon and Riften Jail to form an utterly uninspired and uninteresting route to escape that leaves little to make the escape feel special for the fleeing criminal. Still, I suppose beggars cannot be choosers when you are escaping prison.

Emerging from the drain onto the city streets reunited me with my team who, with the exception of the ever-unpredictable Inigo had decided not to partake in the bulk of this review. They had been fortunately spared from the events that led to my Solitude arrest which may or may not have involved getting up onto a stage in the middle of a public execution and singing a song about Goblins (A song which Jordan found particularly entertaining). What I had failed to account for during my following of the escape trail was the Imperial guard finding the wall hole during my escape and following it to chase me down under a new separate charge of destroying Imperial property. This was unexpected, but not unwelcome as it showed diligence in the Imperial guards which I hadn't expected from soldiers not out in the front lines of the war.

In closing, Castle Dour Dungeons were not quite what I had hoped they would be. I had expected a gold standard of quality and while they do excel in guardsman training, interior design and torture, they fall flat in furnishings of cells and structural integrity, two areas I had expected the very wealthy capital city to excel in.

Final score: Seven Potions of Vigorous Well-Being out of Ten Potions of Vigorous Well-Being

Thank you for reading this review. Next time we examine the opposing side of the civil war and see what Ulfric does with people who feel like being just a bit too kind to the Argonian dock workers.

This is it.

This is the last in my series reviewing the prisons of Skyrim's hold capitals. Our topic this time is Cidna Mine, easily Skyrim's most infamous jailing facility. My experience in this prison is a large story filled with the good and the bad. So, how does the big daddy of Skyrim jails compare to its peers?

For the first time entering a cell, I was greeted by a staff member and told what was expected of me explicitly. She made it clear that this prison prioritises punishing prisoners with manual labour for the benefit of those in power than any form of rehabilitation. This idea is present throughout the prison itself. My greeting room (which doesn't function as a room for individuals) was only decorated with the essentials for its function. A table and sac containing items unknown. It was here that I was temporarily separated from my associates. The key word there being "temporarily"...

Sofia, who hadn't had her equipment removed (my associates' abilities to not have their things taken continues to baffle me) quickly found my location and then proceeded to show off a new skill of hers.

This woman, in all of her drunkenness, has somehow managed to master the incredible magical art of phasing through cell doors. She didn't pick the lock, she didn't teleport, she phased THROUGH. THE. DOORS. HOW?! I was shocked, and somewhat still am. She still refuses to share the secret of this ability to me to this day.

…Which made it all the more annoying when she almost immediately proceeded to do it again, all without explanation. Sometimes this woman confuses and frightens me.

Putting aside Sofia's ability to defy the very existence of metal cage doors, we were shuffled down into the main open space of the mine. A small fireplace illuminated the dark cavern, littered with pickaxes all throughout for prisoners to use to earn their very survival as the man pictured sitting at the fire told us is the case. What is plainly visible in this prison is function over fashion. The open space is able to account many prisoners at once and the lack of any proper seating/ bedding reinforces the core message of the jail. These prisoners are meant to suffer.

Moving more directly to the left we observe a more dimly lit path filled with ore veins, teeming with silver. A wheelbarrow is handily provided for prisoners to kart any silver they dig up, displaying a degree of efficiency not always seen in Nord mines.

It was while returning to the central cavern that the rest of our team reached our location. Inigo's superior sniffing service allowed him to pinpoint where in the prison I was and rally our friends to regroup. This made navigating the mine and escaping it simultaneously easier thanks to greater collective strength and harder as my friends would often block vital narrow hallways.

The opposing side of the mine was far more cramped than the first, with plenty of loose pickaxes scattered about. Under normal circumstances I'd say the liberal scattering of pointed cold metal tools would be unsafe for prisoners to be around, but seeing as the powers that be clearly do not care for the safety of prisoners at all and very rarely check on them it's not that much of an issue. After fully exploring this side of the mine, I was presented with the question of how to leave the mine.

Uraccen, a prisoner in these mines for many years that was as skinny as a pickaxe's handle and as pale as the snow was very helpful in providing insight as to the culture of prisoners in Cidna Mine, while also pointing me to someone who could aid in my departure from the mine. Madanach, a Forsworn leader who had been orchestrating the terrorist attacks on Markarth from inside Cidna Mine. However, reaching the "King in Rags" required getting past his guard dog.

The brute in question, aptly named Borkul the Beast, was built with a greater toughness than the rocks he leaned upon and a face that not even a mother could love. He guarded the door to Madanach's private room and looked to be a tough nut to crack. In all actuality that couldn't have been further from the truth. All I had to do was lie very slightly to convince him to let me through for an audience with the King in Rags.

Madanach's private space was, in stark contrast to the rest of the mine, was lavishly decorated with a full single bed, a storage chest (or potentially a prisoner belonging chest that may or may not contain Boots of the Old Gods), a desk with chair, multiple barrels, a rug to comfort the feet and plenty of food and drink. This abode is highly luxurious and clearly highlights the special treatment Madanach receives from his arrangement with the Silver Bloods. It highlights how willing the staff operating Cidna Mine are to go the extra mile for their prisoners (assuming said prisoners are high ranking members of the Forsworn with great influence over a native culture that is).

Madanach indulged us with his history, as well as that of many of the prisoners in the Mine. His story is one of oppression, corruption and injustice; three traits that the stories of many of his cellmates share also. In this our group understood the gravity of the Markarth conflict and made a mutual decision to aid in the escape of the prisoners of Cidna Mine so as to deal a blow to the corrupt sphere of Markarth. Before fully accepting our co-operation though, Madanach had us prove our loyalty to helping his cause by... eliminating one of the prisoners.

I took no pride in his assassination. As the smell of cooking flesh entered my nostrils and the emerald embers spewed from his cadaver I fought internally as to why Madanach had felt this a necessity. While yes, the man was beyond a point of benefiting his cause, killing the poor man felt like a betrayal of what Madanach himself had preached only minutes ago. Either way, the deed was done. The poor sap had ascended to Aetherius and I finally had a chance to show off the cool looking green fire magic I had learned, so I suppose it wasn't all bad.

It was after this that Madanach had stated his need to address what prisoners weren't currently burning to a chartreuse crisp in a riveting pre-escape speech. A great idea... were it not for the brief instance of mental rot he experienced on his way there that saw him compelled to forcefully walk into a wall of the narrow hallway between his room and the main cavern. I am unsure as to the explanation behind such brain rot, but the nature of the walls of the hallway were found to be very intriguing by Teldryn, who proceeded to stare blankly at the opposite wall for multiple minutes (perhaps some latant, ancient Dwemer magic at play?). Both did eventually regain their senses, but not before some gentle...ish prodding from myself.

The King in Rags addressed his subjects against the light of the central fire, its flames pitiful versus the fires of ambition in the hearts of these men. Were they not about to commit multiple counts of murder as they escaped the city I would've felt inspired. Now I just feel somewhat dirty.

An outcove of the narrow hallway connecting the central cavern to Madanach's quarters contained the site of a Dwemer ruin, one running in connection with the city above us. Knowing what dangers lie within such ruins from experience, our team steeled themselves for the dangers that may have laid ahead.

The first hurdles we encountered were some particularly large Frostbite Spiders who had nested inside the ruins (not pictured above because my girlfriend reads these posts and is afraid of Frostbite Spiders). They proved surprisingly resistant to being burned to death by my green fire spells, but were no match for my teammates' steel.

Traversing deeper into the ruins presented us with greater volumes of Dwemer steam technology, from heavy piping to active Dwemer Sphere units that posed a danger to me, for the rags I wore aren't exactly Ebony quality. Once again, my allies proved invaluable in defeating the threats before us. I only wish I could have helped more.

It was soon after that the prisoner convoy reached a halt before the exit out into the city proper. Madanach took this time to take me aside, thank the team for assisting in his cause, returning my items to me (where he got them from I'm not certain considering the evident lack of a prisoner belonging chest in my case) and presenting me with the Armour of the Old Gods (See? I knew it was in that chest from earlier!) before leading his forces outside, where my friends and I quickly followed.

Awaiting us outside was the lord of the Silver-Bloods, Thonar, with multiple city guardsmen at his side. He challenged Madanach and his allies in broad daylight and tried to put an end to the Forsworn uprising in the city.

A massive fight ensued. Spells and swords clashed in this tiny corner of the city as Nords and Bretons fought valiantly in battle for their beliefs. We decided to refrain from getting involved in the fighting in this case (much to Sofia and Jordan's disappointment). Not that the Forsworn particularly needed our help. They mopped the floor with Thonar and his men.

No, as in they quite literally mopped the floor with Thonar. an interrupted necromancy spell saw the Silver-Blood's corpse reduced to an ash pule which was brushed all over the steps of the city. This combined with all the Nord blood staining the floors proved the Forsworn did LITERALLY mop the floor with the Nords.

Soon enough the battle was over, and as what was left of the guard saw to the dead and injured I was left to reflect on my time in Cidna Mine.

Overall, Cidna Mine is an exceptional jail that has effective staff, a strong and open layout, knows what it wants to be, generates a passive income through silver mining and great luxury (provided you are a Forsworn leader). Escape is also effectively deterred by the natural denizens of the dwemer ruins that connect the city streets to the mine. Although, I do take issue with the strong lack of prisoner observation and the multiple exit points the mine has out into the city. Those limitations place it short of The Chill in my personal rankings (which may end up being a post on here later), but still very much in the top echelon of Skyrim's jails.

Final Score: Nine Boots of the Old Gods out of Ten Boots of the Old Gods.

Aaaaaaand that's it! Thank you for reading my prison review series and (hopefully) enjoying my perspectives on these locations. I'm sorry some of them took a while to make (mental health's a bitch, am I right?), but I intend to post more often now on Tumblr. Mostly shitposts and memes and whatever comes to mind (most of which will be Skyrim stuff)