#cookie farnsworth

Jebidiah Allardyce “Cookie” Farnsworth

“Blondie!”

    Cookie’s voice rang out across the camp startling Helga. She’d been halfheartedly poking at her food for the last few minutes trying to talk herself into eating it. The brown sludge was the same thing that had been on hers and everyone else’s trays three meals a day for the last month.     Helga wasn’t sure what all was in Cookie’s “vittles”, but she’d long suspected it was the beans, bacon, whiskey, and lard he so famously claimed were the four basic food groups. She even had a bet with Sweet about it.     She’d managed a few mouthfuls before her stomach had gone queasy. There was only so much grease a person could be expected to consume, and she’d reached her limit on their first day of travel.

    Grateful for any distraction Helga tipped her tray over the fire and watched in satisfaction as her breakfast slid into the flames. The small mushroom cloud of acrid smoke that wafted up in its wake was both fascinating and disturbing to see; it served to reinforce her theory as to the ingredients in the food.

    She rose slowly and stretched, hands on her lower back. Riding in a truck for so many hours a day was starting to take a toll. Helga had always been an athletic person and wasn’t used to so much sitting. She walked as much as she was able to, but it was still less than she’d have liked.

    Helga began making her way across the space that served as the crew’s mess. It was dotted with a handful of campfires, each surrounded with a handful of Rourke’s troopers.  On the far side she could see Cookie standing with the other key members of the expedition who all seemed to be having a heated discussion of some sort.

    Cookie looked up at her as she approached and crossed his arms.

    “What’s happened? “She asked wearily. By her watch it was barely six thirty in the morning and she was in no mood to settle any disputes.

    Helga sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. This could be the beginning of a long, long day, and she wasn’t sure if she were up to it. There was a motion at her elbow, and she looked over to see Dr. Sweet offering her a cup of freshly brewed coffee. The food might be shit but at least coffee was still coffee.

     “Thank you,” she breathed, taking the proffered cup gratefully. Blowing gently on the scalding liquid she turned back to Cookie.

    “Alright, tell me what the problem is.” She said dropping down on a crate beside Audrey and taking a sip of her coffee.

    Cookie stood to his full height of five feet two* inches and began his explanation.

    “Bacon and eggs or pancakes and eggs,” he stated.

    Helga frowned. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” And she didn’t. He couldn’t mean they were arguing over food. Then again, this was Cookie.

    He sighed in annoyance and fidgeted with the handcart on which he’d strapped his cauldron of delights.

    “Us here were having a discussion about breakfast, specifically, what to eat at breakfast,” He gestured wildly at both sides of the group. “One half says bacon and eggs, the other says pancakes and eggs. And that leaves us divided three for three and we need you to take a side and end the debate.”

    Helga sat momentarily stunned into silence, coffee halfway to her mouth. Then she looked around the circle of expectant faces.

    “Are you serious, right now?” she asked in disbelief. He’d called her over here for a breakfast dispute, which she half suspected was a joke. She stood up.

    “You don’t need me for this.”

    Dr. Sweet grinned at her. “Come on, girl, you got anything better to do? Give us an answer.”

    She glared at him and took a long drink of coffee before answering. “You have seven people here. How does that leave you deadlocked?”

    Mole spoke up. “Packard refuses to eat the breakfast.” He announced derisively.

    In reply Packard flicked ash from her cigarette in his direction, then spoke. “I don’t eat breakfast. All I need is black coffee and my smokes. How else would I be able to maintain my girlish figure?” She patted her hip for emphasis.

          There was a pause in which Audrey snickered under her breath and Helga realized Mrs. Packard was completely serious.

    “Well, whatever works for you,” Was all she could think to say. Turning back, she looked around the group. She couldn’t believe she going to humor them.

    “What about the rest of you?”

    Next to her Audrey spoke up. “Pancakes and eggs. My mami and papi used to make pancakes and eggs for Nena and me every Sunday morning when we were kids.” She smiled fondly at the memory.

    “Same with me.” Milo spoke up enthusiastically. “My grandpa used to make us pancakes and eggs, except it was on Saturday mornings.”

    Helga figured all this had already been discussed before her arrival and was only being rehashed for her benefit.

    Mole was next. “You cannot go wrong with the crepes. They are a bit like pancakes only better.”

     She crossed her arms and sipped her coffee as Vinny spoke up. “You know, since I came to the U.S. I’ve really started to enjoy bacon and eggs.”

    “Hell yeah,” Cookie exclaimed. “Nice and greasy.”

    Helga raised an eyebrow and wondered not for the first time why Cookie was so obsessed with lard.

    Vinny stared off into the darkness of the cave and stroked his mustache. “A light red wine goes beautifully with bacon and eggs.” He said thoughtfully.

    Helga wrinkled her nose in disgust. Just how early in the morning did Vinny start drinking anyway?

    Sweet was last. “I have to say bacon and eggs. Can’t go wrong with a classic breakfast food.”

    Cookie smacked his leg emphatically with his hat. “Okay, you’ve heard everyone. Now, what’s your answer, blondie?”

    Helga looked around the circle before answering. She wanted to say pancakes, if only to spite Sweet for pulling her into this nonsense but she’d never been the big breakfast type. She’d have given anything for some toast right about then.

    “Bacon and eggs.” She said, putting an end to the debate.

      Cookie slapped her on the back good naturedly while Milo, Audrey, and Mole groaned halfheartedly and then laughed at having lost.

    “I knew I liked you,” Cookie affirmed, settling his bowler hat back on his head.

     Helga let out a short laugh and drained the last of her now tepid coffee. “I would hope so after three years of knowing each other.”

    Cookie gathered the hand truck and started to push but stopped to look over his shoulder. “I like all y’all and just to prove it I’ll cook y’all some real food when we get back to the good old United States.”

    He started wheeling the cart again but kept talking. “Can’t cook anything special down here because I have to work with my trusty food groups: beans, bacon, whiskey, and lard.”

Zachary Gibson. Milo

Laura Harrier. Kida

Michael Keaton. Rourke

Adrianne Palicki. Helga

Isabella Merced. Audrey

Henry Simmons. Sweet

Keith David. King Nedahk.

Bill Hader. Vinnie

Andy Samberg. Mole

Wendie Malick. Mrs Packard.

Cookie. John Goodman

Whitmore. Harrison Ford