#convincement

I have some exciting news that I wanted to share with you.

This last Sunday, January 14th, I was officially welcomed as a Member of my local (liberal unprogrammed) monthly meeting of the Religious Society of Friends (also known as Quakers) and, by extension, the Religious Society of Friends at large. This community has also endorsed me for ministry as a chaplain. I experience this as a source of great joy and have found a deep sense of peace, integrity, and Truth in my convincement.

This journey has involved several years of discernment with Catholic communities, Quaker communities, my spiritual director, therapist, and some close friends - including many of you, dear internet friends. It is not a decision I have made lightly or one that has been at all easy.

I feel that finding a home in the Quaker tradition has made me more grounded and intentional in every area of my life, and, I feel, a better husband, a better chaplain, a better son, brother, uncle, friend, and all around better human being. I have also felt deeply welcomed as a married gay man, as our Meeting supports all “loving bonds between two people regardless of their gender.”

To summarize: this means that my primary religious and spiritual community is now in this tradition. I still maintain so much love and gratitude for my Catholic roots and continue to be involved in some parts of Catholic life, as this will always be a part of me. For me this journey has not been about rejecting the Catholic Church at all, but rather feeling drawn by God to a different spiritual community.

(That being said, there are, of course, many things that I have long rejected about the Catholic Church and continue to do so. But I digress.)

Thank you for all the ways, both big and small, many of you have supported me throughout my long journey of finding a religious and spiritual home, even if we’ve never directly interacted.

In Light and gratitude,

1. Before asking a favor or start a painful conversation, smile and praise the caller. Just try not to overdo the dose, it will sound artificial.

2. Imitate gestures, facial and verbal expressions of the people whom you are talking to. Research demonstrates that copying the conversation partner, without playing the mimic (of course), increases the chance of persuading him.

3. Bring vacation souvenirs, enjoy a status on Facebook, offer a ride ... Gifts and Favors create a need for repay the kindness.

4. In a discussion with a chief interlocutor or a people difficult to handle, enter your objections pretending to accept his proposals. Example: "I agree with that, but we also need to consider ...".

5. Look for elements in common, like the football team, musical preference, name and origin, to establish greater intimacy. The affinity ensures more success for requests and discussions.

6. If you want to convince someone that X surpasses Y, point of the X qualities, but above all highlight the defects of Y. There is evidence that our brains better guard negative aspects of a person or product.

7. When defending a thesis, do not waste time enumerating thousands of arguments. Keep focus and give subsidies to the major. This avoids the impression that you have superficial knowledge of the subject.

8. NEVER use expressions like "hmm ...", "let me see ..." and any other that might denote uncertainty and hesitation. The fluidity of speech is important to bring credibility.

9. Always give reasons for your arguments. For example: you increase your chances of being succeed when you say "Can I get ahead because I'm in a hurry and my wife is in the car?") than if you simply ask ("Can I go ahead? I`m in a hurry!").

10. In a discussion, always put yourself as superior or use privileged information forum. Examples: "My teacher, who is a PHD said..." or "So, when i was in London I saw...".

11. Never go into a discussion when you are tired. The brain takes a lot of energy and when you get tired, multiplies the risk of tangle and give in.

12. If you really want to convince someone to do something, be sure to seal the commitment in writing. There is evidence of that commitment through an e-mail or ticket has a greater chance of being fulfilled.

13. If you want to ask for a favor and suspect that the other people will refuse, start asking for something harder. Example: If you need $ 10, start asking for $ 30. If the caller refuses, you question if he can not have at least $ 10. Doing this you get a higher chance of turning a rejection into a "yes."

14. Appearance matters. Research indicates that the way you dress and the adequacy context raise the confidence in who gives the speech.

15. In more complex discussions, learn from the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: try to expand or generalize the ideas of the other to find loopholes or to invalidate them. Besides that, try to make him agree with each of your arguments before you cast off. This tactic forces him to accept your conclusion.