#conforming

I don’t know wtf I’m doing.

I’m a scared kid. I give advice on some stupid tumblr blog, but irl, I’m not really out. Most of my friends are cishet and think I am too. I present super hyper feminine because I want to conform. I shrink myself down 24/7. And yet for some reason I feel qualified enough to give you advice on this blog.

Monogamous/Monoamorous (monogamy/monoamory): being or aspiring to be in a gamous/amorous (marital/enamoured) relationship; performing monofidelity or a singular interpersonal partnering (couple); someone who enforces amatonormative assimilation, reinforces romantic-love structure supremacy, or dynamicize natalist formation (compulsory monogamism nationalism).

People say it's easy to fit in;

It isn't. 

It's meant to make life easier;

It doesn't. 

It causes stress and worries, 

Overthinking every action;

That's what it does. 

Conforming can be needed;

Say the thing to get the job, 

Work this way to resolve that, 

Put on this tone to calm them, 

All worries, 

Scripts to follow;

Play pretend to fit in

Just as everyone does. 

It is hard.

It helps me to remember that what we see outside is factually not 99%, just our own anecdotal sample. Some larger than others: I live in one of the most populated, traveled-to cities in the world and see a royal shit-ton of people every time I go outside — yet another reason I join the few masking.

(I get it that in other, less crowded places things look different; that's a contributor to confusion online. My city problems may not make sense to someone in the suburbs, but we're in the same discussion without any context.)

OTOH, I look at the data and know that outside, I won't see the invisible others. Those who are IC, have LC, etc. Of course they/we group online, since that's the only place to safely be and discuss.

I also know that people, even those who are informed, value social norms. E.g. Dr. Fauci going to some event and removing his mask because others were, then getting covid. And here's a good thread: https://twitter.com/Helenreflects/status/1641003804584972289

So I think a combination of a few factors contribute to those still masking; any single one may not be enough:

being closer to the nonconformist end of the spectrum to begin with (i.e. "I care about people; less so what they think.")

being informed, scientifically-literate

cultural (conforming, but to a different group)

those who've experienced chronic illness (not just the physical aspects but also how others react short and long-term...

and the resulting distrust built up from that: lack of, or lack of trust in the strength of safety nets — social and financial

likewise, those who've experienced gaslighting (this term is overused lately, but having experience with that can lead to personal high valuation of fact-checking and record-keeping, and again a lower regard for what some others are doing or saying)