#condiment man

He got his things and left. He left a note saying he needed a fresh start, and then took off. He didn't leave the name of the city he was moving to. He didn't know.

That was how he became a barista at a Lexbucks in Gotham with a tiny loft apartment. And for the first time since he was 15, he was happy. Really, truly happy. He made friends in an astronomy club, and got together every other Friday withe people to watch old movies.

He was about to start a management program at Lexbucks. He would be 'needed' by Clockwork every Monday for an unknown amount of time (it was hard to tell time when CW paised as needed. Sometimes Monday lasted weeks, if he thought it was warranted.)

Clockwork being Clockwork, that sometimes meant he needed to solve some ghost issue, or fix a paradox, or come over for dinner, or take a vacation. (Was there a portal in his closet? Yes. Yes there was.)

He saw Frostbite once a week too, Gotham being closer to the Far Frozen, and was learning Greek- both ancient and modern- from Pandora.

He was finally going to ask out Eduardo from the bookstore across the street today.

That meant, of course, he was shot right outside his apartment. Danny left for work around 3 AM; his apartment was pretty close to the edge of Crime Alley, he was the store opener and they started serving customers at 4 AM. A match made in hell.

He heard the gunshots before he felt them, and reflexively turned invisible to change into Phantom. The drive by shooting ended as quickly as it began, leaving Danny to curse and change his shirt. Dammit.

Ah well. Gotta love Tuesdays, right?

Next Tuesday was when Condiment Man walked into the Lexbucks. Probably to try and rob it, but it was difficult to understand over all the giggling from his regulars.

"Bring Gotham to-"

"Sir, this is a Lexbucks. Please just order your coffee, tea, other drink, or something to eat."

Condiment Man gaped for a moment. "I- I don't want coffee. I want villainy."

He nodded. "Fair. But this is a Lexbucks. No villainy, just coffee, tea, sodas, food. No evil available except the evil inherent in corporations."

"I. Um. Ok?"

After a moment, Danny cleared his throat. "So about your order?"

"Um. Well. Can I order you to join me in my quest to bring Gotham to its knees?" He asked nervously.

"Kinky." He said, and Condiment Man sputtered. "But no." His calm demeanor changed in the blink of an eye. "Get your hand off the trigger for that mustard right now, or you'll be cleaning every inch of this place with a toothbrush until it sparkles!"

Condiment Man yelped and left. The locals- regulars and newbies- started laughing. He was pretty sure somebody started crying. His tips were glorious.

Maybe Tuesdays weren't so bad after all.

XxXxXx

"I got a hit on Danny!"

Jazz spun around. "Really? You're sure, Tuck?"

"About 50%, the video is pretty grainy. But you tell me somebody else who deescalates villains with sass."

"Where?"

"That's the problem. They were using a VPN. It's somewhere in the US, probably Gotham, Metropolis, or League City- Gotham Rogues get around sometimes."

Jazz's face started to fall. "Tucker, thank you, but- it's been 5 years. Are we sure his face didn't totally change? I mean, remember Vlad's before and after?"

He sighed heavily. "Jazz, we failed him. I failed my best friend. I missed that he was hurting for 3 years before he ran. No matter what that note said, I was probably part of the problem. Give up on him of you want. But I'm gonna keep looking."

God, those notes had been like kicks in the teeth. If it was Vlad, he'd say it was orchestrated. But it was Danny. He very much did not blame them. He didn't want to go. And what was carefully not said, but pieced together when they compared the note left for him, Sam, Jazz, and the elder Fentons was they were the biggest reason he left.

XxXxXx

"I, the Baffler, will bring chaos and confusion to Gotham's streets with your assistance, Undead Coffee Person!"

That was, oddly enough, better than Inviso-Bill. Still. "Hey man, this is a Lexbucks. And I have a name."

He seemed delighted. "Wonderful! What is your villain name?"

"No, no, no villain name. I'm not a villain. Just a barista. My name's Jack. What's your order?"

The baffler seemed. Well. Baffled. "But aren't you going to join me in my life of crime?"

Danny sighed heavily. "Dude. I just wanna pay my bills. Coffee, tea, what do you want?"

"You can pay your bills with crime!"

The Baffler seemed so honestly pleased it was hard to get angry. Just a big guy in a dumb costume, and Ancients he missed his dad. But then he shot the cash register. "See? Crime!"

Danny snarled and, quick as a blink, The Baffler's hamds were frozen to the counter. "You have ice powers?!"

"And you have dumbass powers, you knockoff Riddler. I'm calling the cops."

XxXxXx

"You must be truly desperate to come to me for help," Vlad said with amusement plain on his face.

Sam narrowed her eyes, and Tucker scowled. "Yeah, well, we need untraceable cash, and you're the kind of guy to keep that on hand."

"And why do you need it?"

Sam grit her teeth, but replied, "let's just say if we find what we're looking for, the number of halfas might be back up to 4."

His eyes flashed brightly. "Well, then. How much do you need?"

XxXxXx

"Together, we will bring Gotham into the next ice age!" Mr. Freeze roared.

Danny narrowed his eyes. "Doctor, this is a Lexbucks. What do you want to order?"

"You, too have powers of ice! Together, we can bring Gotham into the cold!"

He sighed. "Ok. So frozen. Small, medium, or large?"

"I- I am ordering destruction, not coffee!"

Danny pointed to the menu. "Do you see destruction on the menu here? No. No, you don't. Your order?"

He gaped. "Chai latte? Mocha cappuccino? You seem like a smoothie kind of guy, want one of those?"

Mr. Freeze cleared his throat. "What kind of smoothies do you have?"

XxXxXx

"Are you seriously going behind my back with Plasmius?"

Wraith stood, arms crossed with a scowl. "Oh back off, you're nowhere near as scary as Phantom. Or even Skulker." He snapped.

Batman cleared his throat. "I'm told you have information about an incredibly dangerous illegal meta in Gotham?"

Sam shook her head. "I wish I could say I couldn't believe this. He's your brother."

Jazz swallowed. "You don't even know for sure if this is Phantom. This could be a legitimate threat."

"Every time I start to wonder why he left, all I have to do is remind myself about-"

"Sam."

"He's our best friend, Tucker! And she just might've gotten him thrown into Arkham, because Batman doesn't believe in rehabilitation!"

And another argument began.

XxXxXx

"I'm so sorry, Jack. I really like you, I do! It's just..." Eduardo trailed off, shaking underneath Danny's jacket.

"It's ok. You didn't sign up for getting kidnapped by the Penguin in a sick job offer."

He smiled a little shakily, and Danny hugged him tightly. "I'll see you around, ok?"

"Thanks, Jack."

Why the hell was he so broken up over a guy who didn't even know his real name?

XxXxXx

Thursday began at the sight of the Joker prowling around. Danny let his jaws drop and released a hiss that made fully grown ghosts back the hell up, following it by the unearthly rattle he learned from Fright Knight.

The Joker backed up. Swallowed. Put on his trademark grin, and stepped back in. Albeit a little further from the front counter. "Now, now, kid, I'm a clown! Kids love clowns, yeah?"

Another hellish hiss echoed from behind the Joker. He paled, then stiffened as a massive blue hand was on his shoulder. "Perhaps this isn't the best place for you."

The Joker laughed shakily. "Hey, pal, I'm-"

Plasmius' glowing eyes flashed, and the Joker's started glowing red. The clown's face fell slack. "This isn't the best place for you."

"This...isn't the...best...place....for me." The Joker slurred.

"Leave." Commanded the vampire ghost.

The Joker staggered out drunkenly. Plasmius turned his attention to the counter. "Can I get a large black coffee? With a shot of espresso, please."

Danny cocked his head and tried not to laugh at Kristen's face when the fruitloop sat next to her. "Sure. Kristen?"

She looked at him, wide-eyed. "He's not going to hurt or overshadow you. Right, Plasmius?"

"Of course," he agreed magnanimously.

Plasmius drank his coffee at the store. He bought a blueberry donut. Gave him a $500 tip. "The number hasn't changed. Call me, and we'll see about moving you before Batman and his friends crash the place."

"I can fly, you know."

"He has multiple jets. And besides, from what I've heard, Wraith is helping him track down the big, scary meta."

"Thanks for the warning, Plasmius. I'll think about it."

The elder halfa nodded and left, phasing through the door.

Jazz was hunting him. Jazz was hunting him. His sister was- it wasn't fair. He left her the entire territory of Amity Park. She had the undivided love and attention of everyone in Amity Park. Inside the roll of $100 bills was a business card.

He pocketed it, and yet another super came in. Plasmius was right. They were hunting him. Red Robin frowned at the menu.

"Hey, do you still have the mint hot chocolate?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Small, medium, or large?"

"Large, please." Red Robin waited in silence while his drink was prepared. "So, Jack Walker isn't your real name."

Danny shook his head. "Nah. If you're going to arrest me, might as well just call me Danny."

He observed him carefully, then nodded. "I'll see you around, Jack. Try to keep out of trouble."

XxXxXx

"He isn't a threat!" Tim snapped.

"You deliberately disobeyed me! We agreed not to approach the person who can use mind control!"

"You agreed, B. Wraith, just leave him alone, ok? He just wants to make his coffee and leave every day."

"Is he my brother or not?"

"Does it matter? He left." Tim snapped. "That guy is just trying to make a living. He's not going to hurt anyone who doesn't start trouble."

Jazz embraced both Sam and Tucker, feeling real, true hope for the first time in years. "It's Danny! Guys it's Danny, we can bring him home!"

"None of you are leaving until we can bring him in for questioning."

Jazz's face hardened, then she agreed. That was alright. She had a secret weapon. Two of them, actually.

XxXxXx

"Jack, you've got people asking for you."

Danny groaned.

"Sorry Jack, you're the one who made the rule about people in weird suits with guns."

"Yeah, fair. Thanks."

He stepped out behind the counter, and froze. "Danny?"

He swallowed. Blinked to make sure he was seeing what he thought. "Mom? Dad?"

For the first time in 5 years, he was embraced by his parents. He didn't feel bad about the tears. He couldn't. "Let's go home, baby. Let's go home."

"I can't. I- I'm not..."

"It's ok, Danny. We know now. About Phantom."

"I'm so sorry we made you feel your only recourse was running away."

XxXxXx

He had started to get the idea Jazz might be hunting him in a violent way. The only violent thing was the force of her hug, and the way her nails dug into his shoulder to keep him close.

Danny couldn't quite understand her over the blubbering, but that was fine; he had always been a sympathetic crier. Although the way all of the bats, Constantine, and Superman were shifting awkwardly, trying not to watch them while watching them, was pretty funny. It got worse when Sam kicked Batman in the knee and joined them. Then there was Tucker, and his mom, and- his dad was squeezing them tight enough to pick them up a few inches.

It took a ridiculous amount of time to get them all to stop crying- and Danny included himself. He had a good 5 years of believing he did nothing but harm to his human(ish) family to cry over.

"So just to be clear. You are not a villain."

"Yep. Used to be in the hero game, even."

"And you're not going to start being a villain."

He chuckled. "No, I won't."

"For now, your stay in Gotham is fine, though you should start using your legal name. If you don't like Danny Fenton, you can always legally change it. Can we call on you if we get a ghostly threat closer to home?"

"Absolutely."

"Wait! Danny, you're going home, though, right? With us?" Jazz asked hopefully.

"I'd like to visit," he said quietly, "but Jazz- I scare humans. Pretty badly."

"The ghosts negotiate with you, they listen to you! And people- look, now that Phantom's not there stopping fights by talking to ghosts before they start, or helping the new dead solve their murders- well. Phantom has been missed."

"Jazz, you do all that too. And you calm humans down way better than I ever have, so-"

"Danny," Tucker interrupted, "please, buddy. You don't have to stay, just come for a week. Things are different now. Promise."