#complaining log

22.11. So things are at the point when my brain has finally awoken and I'm having mental clarity to study. Chaos mode, i haven't drank that much coffee today but i have mate tea which is almost the same and i'm drinking that currently.

I turned in my notes from this article and now I'm considering just editing my research plan for a while.

An allnighter would fix me. Coffee at 3am and techno and whatever else. It would fix all of this. But I can't do it because

these mandatory courses require detailed study diary entries for each week and i can't just do all of it in one go

these courses also require going over the peer review you'll get for some of those diary entries, so i gotta wait for the reviews before i can do more things (which means i just lie in the entries bc i don't wanna say "i'm sick of this shit let me just get my fucking academic machine on and lemme do it in one night")

these professors have surely formed the courses in a way that's just "anti-allnighter." I know it doesn't produce optimal learning experience. But neither does this level of frustration... because..

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE doing my research plan. All the time. And i need at least half a week to get my brain jammed on hyperfocus mode on one thing.. and right now i gotta switch back and forth between tasks and its 1 infuriating and 2 inefficient for me.

I'll just pray that my mental status holds on until these damn things (research ethics + university pedagogy basics) are DONE and then .. then i'll write a damn stellar research plan rework in one week.

I'm supposed to brief my future work based on my research plan on 16.4. and i'm so excited and stressed about it already. Like everyone of the Faculty of Humanities is gonna be there listening to my ramblings.

Anyways gotta complain a bit. There's so much light my goth ass cant handle it!! Like even if i have the curtains closed i got this "the sun is up you can't get anything done" -issue. I have no idea why that is. But i need the dark to concentrate and study... i need my "night mode" brain.

Day brain is an anxious wreck. Night brain is for hyperfocus.

Considering buying full blackout curtains. Yeah that could likely fix it. There's no way how i actually know how it's light outside, the body just knows and is like no it's day -> procrastinate until sunset. I'll be doomed when the sun stops setting.

i see what my main issue is

Exhibit A:

i know being around people is good for me in the long run -> but i'll get anxiety over masking too hard/people overdose

if i hermit too much i get anxiety of losing my meaningful relationships

Exhibit B:

talking of chitchat stuff makes me anxious bc of no real meaning

talking of deep shit makes me anxious bc too much real meaning

today has happened A1 and A2 AND B1 and B2!!! Also i don't want to disappoint if people close to me want to talk to me of things (meaningful or not) so i tend to over-use my social brain and lose all real brain capacity of what actually matters (studying, reading and writing)

i'm trying to read "rickels- the vampire lectures" but there's too many (horribly bad) puns and all of this is just this oedipal theory freudism stuff and i can't deal with it.

Why that is? Because i feel how outdated it is, and also irrelevant to my own studies BUT since this is such a well-known example of vampire studies i NEED TO read this.

To make matters worse it's also written very freudism-like, it keeps making random association leaps which make it very hard to read bc we're going from random topics to random topics and the point is supposedly somewhere in the middle. Supposedly, bc i don't see it.

I know this book has academic merit and it's extra annoying to be annoyed at the writing style, thematic randomness and overall '.. and???"-feeling of it all. I know it has merit and i'm trying my best to find it. It just has the "hehe lol penis" -feel to it. It stopped being funny at page 5.

i think i'm too autistic for this book, that's the issue here. I do best with 'old school' type articles. All these puns are just distracting and getting on my nerves. Like yes i noticed 'hehe lol penis' but CAN WE FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOOD HEAVENS MOVE ON ???

My gods this is TESTING ME

Plumbing renov is yet again late and i was 2.5 weeks away bc of it... for nothing. Laughs on me it starts tomorrow when i'm going back today.

I got heavy 2 weeks at work so guess i can somehow survive using the common areas.

Panic attack: 1

Jokes by universe: 2

Mood: -666

I'll be fine i'll think about this when i get my rational brain back.

Nothing keeps me from studying though !!!! I gotta just tough it out somehow xd bc i'm making one month worth of money in 2 weeks. If i've known this earlier i could've worked for 1.5 WEEKS more with this insane pace which would've been almoat 400e🙃🙃🙃 or then evacuate from the renov when it actually is xd dear gods of chaos give me strenght give me strenght !!!

..aaand parents got back from their walk and now my "what if i get interrupted"/"can't study at all when there's anyone around" -issues begin again. I just gotta close the door and stop being social. They understand, they don't interrupt me. But the possibility is usually enough to keep me from starting (until everyone is asleep and then i do my 5h-study session between 00-05).

It's all gonna be fine i just need to close the door and stay here. Why am i such a dysfunctional mess in this sense????

GOOD THINGS listed in the end. I'm going to go mad. The situation summed up:

in order to make a researcher profile to uni homesite i gotta have an email that just says city.ending.

i have been given student.city.ending email

guess can you make that profile with that account? NO YOU CAN'T

i contacted the tech support about this

they are gonna give me the city.ending email/account

BUT my current student email/acct has been cancelled. I got 30 days and then it's locked, done for.

i have applied for jobs and tuitions and so on WITH THAT STUDENT ACCOUNT!

see what i mean here?

i have tried to avoid this issue with fucking around with the settings so it would in theory re-send everything to my private email .. but do i trust it to work.. no.

the tech support has gone home when i'm writing this so i gotta wait for at least tomorrow for the ppl to come back to work and sort this damn issue out

i'm gonna go mad. that's it. that's the post.

GOOD THINGS:

the Place where i applied for teaching ppl literature is thrilled abt me but they gotta see if their education centre thingy can afford me.

they'll answer asap when they know. Pls i NEED a job from my own field give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME !!!