Last night I was at a do and there was an alloromantic cis-woman who was interested in me. She is very attractive. I can tell she is interested with her body language, she is judging my social standing by asking me questions about what I do. It’s an old game. I’m nodding and smiling and the next thing she wants to hang out and she has my phone number.

On the drive home I’m in my head, I’m thinking what to do? I can’t be mean, it’s just not my nature--I’m an empath. Do I date her?

Hmm. I think about it. Then my gut does a lurchy thing. I don’t feel well. The idea makes me ill. I can’t. Of course, I know why...

I’m Aro/Ace. On one hand that feels so good to know my own nature...but damn the self-talk...

Me: ‘I could go back to grey land...’ ‘well, you know there's nothing wrong with that’ 

Head: ‘she is attractive...’ 

Me: ‘Not this again...!’

Yadda yadda...little mousy on the treadmill.

Then it dawned on me today that this is what is called an intersection of resistance. It’s that little point, of pressure, that in the heat of the moment makes me fight just to be who I actually am. 

Let me explain.

I am defined by the choices I make (I’ve learned this the hard way) and when you know the truth about yourself abandoning that cherished knowledge is actually a form of self-harm. It is the slow murder of the truest expression of your soul. It’s worse than social judgement, it’s pure self-loathing--and this is because I get scared of having to go through all that social ostracisation again and rejection and urgh need I go on?

Resistance can hurt, and sometimes it is so hard to just go you know, ‘I think you’re really nice and err...no’ 

(Which is why we need strong support and to reach out to a caring and nurturing community. A strong community is another aspect of resistance, but we talk more about that later) I resist because this is how I stay true to my deepest needs. I resist because if I abandon myself to social pressure, then I relinquish my dignity and the thing that makes me so beautifully human--my unique (and flawed) differences. 

This very nice human read me as a cis-normative alloromantic heterosexual guy that, of course, will be interested in her! See the pressure point...?

Still, she got my number right and that means something right? 

Nope means nothing. 

I have good and healthy boundaries. I know myself. I’m a beautiful Aro/Ace that’s just the way I’m made. 

So, I’ve decided...I come out to her if she wants to date and say ‘Sorry but no’ If she wants to hang out and be friends, that is preferable, she was nice...I don’t have to be mean, I don’t have to explain it too much. Just set up my boundaries and expect respect. 

(If someone doesn't respect you btw...you can't even be friends in my book. Always expect respect. And if they don't give it...to hell with them! heh)

Plenty of fishes in the sea and all my friends are fishes that are brave enough to swim with me.

What is home?

 Home is the place where we long to be. It is the place that when we are there, we feel closest to being ourselves. Home is the safe place, the place where cats live, a place where we cook good food. Home is the light on at night in my window with the soft music on, heaters and blankets, toasty socks and the dark freezing cold rain kept at bay.

Without home I cannot dream, if the home is not safe I cannot be. Being refers to doing, I make sure that I make ‘home’ every day. 

The heart needs to be cared for, all our feelings must be felt, acknowledged and respected. When I come home at night I reach for my nurturing gentle, shadowy friend. They understand my Aro/Ace nature better than anyone and make gentle the space-ace place once again.

Cat Mad Cat Daddy...

Humans are just so complicated. You can’t live with em and you can’t please em. Humans have no logic in their behaviours, often irrational, unpredictable in their likes and dislikes I’ve been seriously wounded by them on more than one occasion. 

As a child, these people called themselves my parents, siblings, schoolmates, teachers and any and all authority figures. I learned to not trust any of them and being an optimist I thought all of that would get better when I grew up.

Well, I’ve had some good experiences and bad ones, but the best ones were always with my cats. I’m going to name them here. Phino, Garfield, Natasha, Pangari, Layla, Nahare and Marley. 

People haven't really been understanding about my Asexual/Aromantic orientations. So I keep it largely to myself--my cat knows about it though and I can’t thank her enough, and right here on my blog--YOU GorGeous ARoSpacEAces!!

Where would I be without you?

Emotional Availability.

Relationships take so much work! They want my quiet time, my personal space, my body. They want my habits, my headspace, my capacity to dream future dreams with my romantic partner in them...uch. All in the service of appearing normal--and as a pretext for appearing a successful human being. I have to be emotionally available and present. Anything less is neglect. This has been my experience of almost all my romantic (all two of them) and sexual relationships (a series of impersonal one night stands). I get complaints of emotional unavailability. This suggests that I am broken somehow--cold. But really I wasn’t emotionally available because well...I just wasn’t interested and this whole romantic domestic bliss thing bored me to tears. I’m an aromantic/asexual.

If you’re reading this...and you are being pressured to be romantic and sexual: